Title: That Damn Happiness Clause
Writer: Azure K Mello
Disclaimer- I don't own the shoes I'm currently dancing in what's the likelihood I own anything in Joss' universe? I own the original novels. . . I bought them in Borders, and I own the DVDs. I don't however make money off of this I just seem to spend a lot on it. I in no way intend to infringe copyrights. I'm just entertaining myself, honestly, I'm shocked that anyone's read it.
Question: what a mobile called in the USA? I can never remember it and since I've been living here since I was 13 that's just sad. Sometimes I know it, but I'm really tired right now.
Setting: somewhere during the Bachelor Party, some conversation is mangled out of said ep. This has nothing to do with Buff's time line at all.
Warning: SLASH Angel/Doyle. Spike/Xander. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Also rather heavy mentions of child abuse. Extreme angst.
Thanks to Poison for being the fastest Beta I've ever had!
Section rating: R
Part 8/?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What?" asked three voices in unison. Buffy's eyes were angry. Will's confused. And Spike's were filled with disbelief and hope.
"I love him."
"You're under his vampire thrall. You don't love him. Your place is here." Said Buffy with that "I am the Slayer my word is law," look she sometimes got.
"No, I do love him, there is no thrall. Moreover my place was never here. Not with you anyway. If it had been my place I wouldn't have been so miserable."
"Xander, if you leave you can never-"
Laughter cut off her statement. "Of course I can come back. You don't own this town, Buffy. You may be the Slayer, and it's graveyards may be your playground. But I was born and dragged up right here. You're not going to stop me from coming back. The only thing you can do is make it so that I don't talk to you. But have no fear, I have no intension of ever seeing you again." He took his mobile from her. "But if I want to come see my mother there is nothing you can do about."
"Xander, I thought I said no more coming back to see Mummy Dearest."
"Shut-up, Spike." Whispered Xander.
"Why don't you want him seeing his mom?" asked Willow.
Spike snorted, "Shut-up, Spike!" said Xander again warningly but then softer. "Commo, let's go. I wanta be home before dawn."
Spike was English, the English don't use the term "home" they say house or apartment or whatever sort of a place it was. "Home" is such a Hallmark/American word, it felt sickly in his mouth. But somehow he found the expression so warm when Xander said it. The boy's use of the term "home" in front of the girls sobered Spike. He saw the hurt in Red's eyes and the anger become solidified in Buffy's. Spike wondered if they knew the treasure they had just pushed away. Somehow he doubted they did and that made him angry. While they had lost their Zeppo/scapegoat they had no idea who it was they'd been wiping their feet on all along.
He smiled sadly at the boy and just nodded. "Let's go." He said softly as Xander wrapped an arm around his waist. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They packed silently. It burned in Spike. He was desperate to scream, to ask Xander if he'd meant it, to rage about Xander's mother, and Buffy, and how could Red stand there silently! How could she? He felt like his cold skin might explode at any moment. Before he even thought about it the words were out of his mouth in a torrent. "Look, I get that you said. . . what you said, because you needed to protect me against Buffy. And I'm really thankful, mate, honestly. So let's just forget any of it happened ok?"
Slowly Xander looked up at him with tear burdened eyes. "I can't. I've just given up everything I know for you. And I can't forget that. You're the only thing I have left and I won't pretend I didn't mean it. I can't lose you. I love you so much that I just threw away all the familiar things in my world. And I'm not willing to pretend it didn't happen."
"You love me?" said Spike his tone incredulous.
"More than anything."
"Why?" said Spike truly confused. Why would the seraph lower himself.
Xander laughed bitterly. "Because you're kind to small children and animals. Because your funny and smart and you give a damn about your own little causes. And you say I'm strong, but you're stronger. And you make me feel safe and beautiful. And while you're so busy trying to prove that I'm not a loser you still manage to convince yourself that you are. You're childlike in your glee for killing and causing confusion. I think you would have just as much fun convincing Cordy that her shoes weren't in Vogue but were on sale as you would killing half of Europe. And we have these talks about things that matter, the other day that fight over the death penalty was heated and then we step back and we're discussing the coolest carebear. I love the way you leave blood in the sink. I love the fact that you know everything about me and you still love me. I love the way your hair falls into your eyes when you don't gel it. You're forgiving and fierce and you are such a good man though you're not. . ." he trailed off.
"A man?" supplied Spike.
"Well I wasn't going to say it. I love you so much it hurts. I can't bare the way you think about yourself. I hate that you know everything about me while I know so very little about you. I want to make all of that pain and hate leave your eyes because it aches inside of me that your so sad. All I want is to make you happy."
"You do, pet. You make everything ok. And I don't know *everything* about you. I don't know your favorite movie or your ice cream of choice, both of which you know about me."
"Coffee ice cream with blood and chocolate syrup is not a flavor. And who doesn't love "The Search for the Holy Grail"? That doesn't count." Said Xan sullenly while resting his head on Spike's shoulder.
"Ask me sometime, not now, and I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
"Really?" asked Xander with doubt in his eyes.
"I'm yours. Your very own open book."
Xander gently then kissed Spike. The gentle kiss progressed to something so much more desperate and needy. Hands started to wander beneath shirts and a voice in the back of Spike head was screaming that this wasn't productive to getting home. And as if to prove a point the phone rang. Breaking away to breathe Xander picked up the phone. "Hello?" he panted.
"Xander, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it." She said oblivious as always as to what her friend was doing.
"No, Buffy, you did. You meant it all. What you mean to say is that you were bluffing expecting me to choose you. You bluffed, I called end of story."
"Xander, I'm sorry."
"You made me choose. But as I said there was never a choice."
"You've proved your point: I'm a horrible person for making you pick. And the fact that you chose Spike wasn't real, right? You just did it to teach me a lesson, right? Ok. So, now come over here."
Shock could not explain what Xander felt. A dry laugh escaped his lips as he said. "No, in fact, Buff, he's the *only* thing that's real. And I have no interest in coming anywhere near you. How does it feel to know that you've driven away yet another person who loved you?" he asked and hung up. He turned to Spike his voice cold and rough with emotion. "We go?"
"We go, pet." Said Spike pulling the boy close to him. "Love you."
"Love you too." Said Xander tiredly leaning heavily into the other man. "Wanna get home now."
"Umhum. So do I." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ride back was largely silent. For the most part Xander either napped against, or snuggled with, Spike. Two hours and they were home just as the sun came up. Xander sat up and yawned widely. Instantly he missed the physical contact and cuddled back into *his* vampire. He was as possessive as something. . . really possessive. He was to tired to think or do much of anything. Spike picked him up and carried him into the apartment. He laid Xander down on the bed in the whelp's room.
"I'm gonna go get the stuff out of the boot of the car. I'll be back in a mo'." Xander nodded sleepily and Spike craned over to kiss his forehead. "Go to sleep, pet, I'll be here when you wakeup."
"Wanna watch you." He said with a yawn.
Spike just smiled. "Do whatever you like."
Within five minutes everything was out of the car and the room and apartment were vastly redecorated with objects from Xander's life. Only a photo album had no home. Spike waved it at Xander wanting to know where to put it. Eventually Xand just slipped it under his bed and pulled Spike back to him. He pulled Spike's shirt over his head and drew the blond near. Hot skin on cold. Xander sighed. "Just stay with me?"
"Always and forever." Said Spike as Xander placed his head under Spike's chin. "I land myself a nuzzler."
"Does it bother you?" asked Xander moving away. "A lot of people value personal space."
Spike dragged the boy back to him. "No fucking way. My personal space belongs to you. Use it as you see fit, and I like this use for it." Xander rubbed his face into Spike shoulder. Spike let his fingers run over the boy's back, part of his chattels he had yet to explore. When his fingers ran over scrapes and bruises he stopped. The marks were just under the boy's armpits. He looked at the for a moment and then said softly. "No more of this, ok?"
"What?"
"You don't have to play innocent and you don't need to explain just no more of this. I don't want to see any more of this."
"I have no idea what you're suggesting."
"Fine I'm a moron who's just thinking this is what I think it is, fine. Ok? It's not what it is. But as it isn't, what I think it is, it will heal and there won't be anymore anyway." Fire burned in his eyes. He wanted to kill everyone who had hurt his boy who had led him down a path were he thought it was necessary for him to do this to himself. He ran his thumb over the wounds that were maybe two days old. He swung his leg over the boy. "I'm yours but in return, your mine. And I won't let you do this to yourself. Understood?"
"It's not something I do so much as it gets done and I don't really remember. Sometimes I just need to check that I'm actually alive. And I can't be dead if I'm bleeding right?" said Xander not meeting his eyes but cuddling as close to Spike as he could with burrowing into the vampire.
"I'll make you feel alive without you having to bleed." He said stroking Xand's bare skin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ther' back, Angel." Said Doyle replacing the phone on the cradle.
"You said I "lost it" to Xander." Angel said coldly. Like a child screaming they're *not* tired.
"And you did, Angel man. What the hell happened, ye lost it. Do ye even remember meetin' Harry?"
"I remember that there were two entities here. One female and one demon. And I remember that I was completely willing to kill either one of them if they came too close to you."
"But no, you didn't loose it." Said Doyle sarcastically.
"Maybe a little."
"I've left this bed only to piss and eat for the last 48 hours."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I might never be able to sit down again but that's hardly your fault. Well it is, but I won't hold you accountable. Can I take a shower now?"
"Can I come too?"
"I was actually planin' on getting' clean."
"You're no fun."
"I'm sore in all the right places but I really need to wash."
"You smell good: you smell of me."
"I shouldn't smell of you for work. Which, by the way, we should go to today. Cordy's been holdin' the fort down on her lonesome."
"So are Spike and Xander going to make an appearance?"
"I don't think so, Spike said they needed to sleep. And that there was a lot they needed to talk about. And I think They're kinda gonna be busy fecking each other int' the mattress."
"What! Did he say that."
"Yeah, no, but from the way he was talking I would assume that ther' very much together."
"Well what did he say?"
"He just kept using "Xan" and was talking about the "unholy chosen bitch"."
"I wonder what happened."
"I'll paint cha' a picture from what I know, shall I? Buffy seems like a very possessive chit from all I've heard. Now the way Spike sounded both angry and saddened by her I would say tha' mebe she made the boy choose? I would also say from the way he spoke of the mother that things did not go well there either. So let's safely assume that Xander was crying on the shoulder that we call Spike and then Buff made him choose and here we are."
"That actually sounds eerily right."
"How was it exactly tha' ye fell for her?"
"She was blond?" hazarded Angel, he shrugged. "She was a slayer it seemed kinda poetic. And she was innocent: very naïve, everything was very black and white to her. But in the end it just got annoying. She was very much a little girl and I was a very old vampire. It was a very bad idea from the beginning and it was more the forbidden fruit aspect that got me off rather than Buffy herself. And it sounds like I used her, which. . . I did. But in her own way she used me too. I was tall, dark, and brooding: I fit the mold. She never really cared who I was."
"I get the feeling from what I know of her she wouldn't like you if she knew the real you."
"Oh, Christ, I'd have been staked long ago. If I had not over done the whole "I hate myself," thing I would be ashes."
"Why would she want you like that?"
"Pet vampire for the slayer. I was her exception to prove the rule that: demons are bad, must kill."
"I don't like her and we've never met."
"Hell, I don't like her."
Writer: Azure K Mello
Disclaimer- I don't own the shoes I'm currently dancing in what's the likelihood I own anything in Joss' universe? I own the original novels. . . I bought them in Borders, and I own the DVDs. I don't however make money off of this I just seem to spend a lot on it. I in no way intend to infringe copyrights. I'm just entertaining myself, honestly, I'm shocked that anyone's read it.
Question: what a mobile called in the USA? I can never remember it and since I've been living here since I was 13 that's just sad. Sometimes I know it, but I'm really tired right now.
Setting: somewhere during the Bachelor Party, some conversation is mangled out of said ep. This has nothing to do with Buff's time line at all.
Warning: SLASH Angel/Doyle. Spike/Xander. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Also rather heavy mentions of child abuse. Extreme angst.
Thanks to Poison for being the fastest Beta I've ever had!
Section rating: R
Part 8/?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What?" asked three voices in unison. Buffy's eyes were angry. Will's confused. And Spike's were filled with disbelief and hope.
"I love him."
"You're under his vampire thrall. You don't love him. Your place is here." Said Buffy with that "I am the Slayer my word is law," look she sometimes got.
"No, I do love him, there is no thrall. Moreover my place was never here. Not with you anyway. If it had been my place I wouldn't have been so miserable."
"Xander, if you leave you can never-"
Laughter cut off her statement. "Of course I can come back. You don't own this town, Buffy. You may be the Slayer, and it's graveyards may be your playground. But I was born and dragged up right here. You're not going to stop me from coming back. The only thing you can do is make it so that I don't talk to you. But have no fear, I have no intension of ever seeing you again." He took his mobile from her. "But if I want to come see my mother there is nothing you can do about."
"Xander, I thought I said no more coming back to see Mummy Dearest."
"Shut-up, Spike." Whispered Xander.
"Why don't you want him seeing his mom?" asked Willow.
Spike snorted, "Shut-up, Spike!" said Xander again warningly but then softer. "Commo, let's go. I wanta be home before dawn."
Spike was English, the English don't use the term "home" they say house or apartment or whatever sort of a place it was. "Home" is such a Hallmark/American word, it felt sickly in his mouth. But somehow he found the expression so warm when Xander said it. The boy's use of the term "home" in front of the girls sobered Spike. He saw the hurt in Red's eyes and the anger become solidified in Buffy's. Spike wondered if they knew the treasure they had just pushed away. Somehow he doubted they did and that made him angry. While they had lost their Zeppo/scapegoat they had no idea who it was they'd been wiping their feet on all along.
He smiled sadly at the boy and just nodded. "Let's go." He said softly as Xander wrapped an arm around his waist. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They packed silently. It burned in Spike. He was desperate to scream, to ask Xander if he'd meant it, to rage about Xander's mother, and Buffy, and how could Red stand there silently! How could she? He felt like his cold skin might explode at any moment. Before he even thought about it the words were out of his mouth in a torrent. "Look, I get that you said. . . what you said, because you needed to protect me against Buffy. And I'm really thankful, mate, honestly. So let's just forget any of it happened ok?"
Slowly Xander looked up at him with tear burdened eyes. "I can't. I've just given up everything I know for you. And I can't forget that. You're the only thing I have left and I won't pretend I didn't mean it. I can't lose you. I love you so much that I just threw away all the familiar things in my world. And I'm not willing to pretend it didn't happen."
"You love me?" said Spike his tone incredulous.
"More than anything."
"Why?" said Spike truly confused. Why would the seraph lower himself.
Xander laughed bitterly. "Because you're kind to small children and animals. Because your funny and smart and you give a damn about your own little causes. And you say I'm strong, but you're stronger. And you make me feel safe and beautiful. And while you're so busy trying to prove that I'm not a loser you still manage to convince yourself that you are. You're childlike in your glee for killing and causing confusion. I think you would have just as much fun convincing Cordy that her shoes weren't in Vogue but were on sale as you would killing half of Europe. And we have these talks about things that matter, the other day that fight over the death penalty was heated and then we step back and we're discussing the coolest carebear. I love the way you leave blood in the sink. I love the fact that you know everything about me and you still love me. I love the way your hair falls into your eyes when you don't gel it. You're forgiving and fierce and you are such a good man though you're not. . ." he trailed off.
"A man?" supplied Spike.
"Well I wasn't going to say it. I love you so much it hurts. I can't bare the way you think about yourself. I hate that you know everything about me while I know so very little about you. I want to make all of that pain and hate leave your eyes because it aches inside of me that your so sad. All I want is to make you happy."
"You do, pet. You make everything ok. And I don't know *everything* about you. I don't know your favorite movie or your ice cream of choice, both of which you know about me."
"Coffee ice cream with blood and chocolate syrup is not a flavor. And who doesn't love "The Search for the Holy Grail"? That doesn't count." Said Xan sullenly while resting his head on Spike's shoulder.
"Ask me sometime, not now, and I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
"Really?" asked Xander with doubt in his eyes.
"I'm yours. Your very own open book."
Xander gently then kissed Spike. The gentle kiss progressed to something so much more desperate and needy. Hands started to wander beneath shirts and a voice in the back of Spike head was screaming that this wasn't productive to getting home. And as if to prove a point the phone rang. Breaking away to breathe Xander picked up the phone. "Hello?" he panted.
"Xander, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it." She said oblivious as always as to what her friend was doing.
"No, Buffy, you did. You meant it all. What you mean to say is that you were bluffing expecting me to choose you. You bluffed, I called end of story."
"Xander, I'm sorry."
"You made me choose. But as I said there was never a choice."
"You've proved your point: I'm a horrible person for making you pick. And the fact that you chose Spike wasn't real, right? You just did it to teach me a lesson, right? Ok. So, now come over here."
Shock could not explain what Xander felt. A dry laugh escaped his lips as he said. "No, in fact, Buff, he's the *only* thing that's real. And I have no interest in coming anywhere near you. How does it feel to know that you've driven away yet another person who loved you?" he asked and hung up. He turned to Spike his voice cold and rough with emotion. "We go?"
"We go, pet." Said Spike pulling the boy close to him. "Love you."
"Love you too." Said Xander tiredly leaning heavily into the other man. "Wanna get home now."
"Umhum. So do I." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ride back was largely silent. For the most part Xander either napped against, or snuggled with, Spike. Two hours and they were home just as the sun came up. Xander sat up and yawned widely. Instantly he missed the physical contact and cuddled back into *his* vampire. He was as possessive as something. . . really possessive. He was to tired to think or do much of anything. Spike picked him up and carried him into the apartment. He laid Xander down on the bed in the whelp's room.
"I'm gonna go get the stuff out of the boot of the car. I'll be back in a mo'." Xander nodded sleepily and Spike craned over to kiss his forehead. "Go to sleep, pet, I'll be here when you wakeup."
"Wanna watch you." He said with a yawn.
Spike just smiled. "Do whatever you like."
Within five minutes everything was out of the car and the room and apartment were vastly redecorated with objects from Xander's life. Only a photo album had no home. Spike waved it at Xander wanting to know where to put it. Eventually Xand just slipped it under his bed and pulled Spike back to him. He pulled Spike's shirt over his head and drew the blond near. Hot skin on cold. Xander sighed. "Just stay with me?"
"Always and forever." Said Spike as Xander placed his head under Spike's chin. "I land myself a nuzzler."
"Does it bother you?" asked Xander moving away. "A lot of people value personal space."
Spike dragged the boy back to him. "No fucking way. My personal space belongs to you. Use it as you see fit, and I like this use for it." Xander rubbed his face into Spike shoulder. Spike let his fingers run over the boy's back, part of his chattels he had yet to explore. When his fingers ran over scrapes and bruises he stopped. The marks were just under the boy's armpits. He looked at the for a moment and then said softly. "No more of this, ok?"
"What?"
"You don't have to play innocent and you don't need to explain just no more of this. I don't want to see any more of this."
"I have no idea what you're suggesting."
"Fine I'm a moron who's just thinking this is what I think it is, fine. Ok? It's not what it is. But as it isn't, what I think it is, it will heal and there won't be anymore anyway." Fire burned in his eyes. He wanted to kill everyone who had hurt his boy who had led him down a path were he thought it was necessary for him to do this to himself. He ran his thumb over the wounds that were maybe two days old. He swung his leg over the boy. "I'm yours but in return, your mine. And I won't let you do this to yourself. Understood?"
"It's not something I do so much as it gets done and I don't really remember. Sometimes I just need to check that I'm actually alive. And I can't be dead if I'm bleeding right?" said Xander not meeting his eyes but cuddling as close to Spike as he could with burrowing into the vampire.
"I'll make you feel alive without you having to bleed." He said stroking Xand's bare skin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ther' back, Angel." Said Doyle replacing the phone on the cradle.
"You said I "lost it" to Xander." Angel said coldly. Like a child screaming they're *not* tired.
"And you did, Angel man. What the hell happened, ye lost it. Do ye even remember meetin' Harry?"
"I remember that there were two entities here. One female and one demon. And I remember that I was completely willing to kill either one of them if they came too close to you."
"But no, you didn't loose it." Said Doyle sarcastically.
"Maybe a little."
"I've left this bed only to piss and eat for the last 48 hours."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I might never be able to sit down again but that's hardly your fault. Well it is, but I won't hold you accountable. Can I take a shower now?"
"Can I come too?"
"I was actually planin' on getting' clean."
"You're no fun."
"I'm sore in all the right places but I really need to wash."
"You smell good: you smell of me."
"I shouldn't smell of you for work. Which, by the way, we should go to today. Cordy's been holdin' the fort down on her lonesome."
"So are Spike and Xander going to make an appearance?"
"I don't think so, Spike said they needed to sleep. And that there was a lot they needed to talk about. And I think They're kinda gonna be busy fecking each other int' the mattress."
"What! Did he say that."
"Yeah, no, but from the way he was talking I would assume that ther' very much together."
"Well what did he say?"
"He just kept using "Xan" and was talking about the "unholy chosen bitch"."
"I wonder what happened."
"I'll paint cha' a picture from what I know, shall I? Buffy seems like a very possessive chit from all I've heard. Now the way Spike sounded both angry and saddened by her I would say tha' mebe she made the boy choose? I would also say from the way he spoke of the mother that things did not go well there either. So let's safely assume that Xander was crying on the shoulder that we call Spike and then Buff made him choose and here we are."
"That actually sounds eerily right."
"How was it exactly tha' ye fell for her?"
"She was blond?" hazarded Angel, he shrugged. "She was a slayer it seemed kinda poetic. And she was innocent: very naïve, everything was very black and white to her. But in the end it just got annoying. She was very much a little girl and I was a very old vampire. It was a very bad idea from the beginning and it was more the forbidden fruit aspect that got me off rather than Buffy herself. And it sounds like I used her, which. . . I did. But in her own way she used me too. I was tall, dark, and brooding: I fit the mold. She never really cared who I was."
"I get the feeling from what I know of her she wouldn't like you if she knew the real you."
"Oh, Christ, I'd have been staked long ago. If I had not over done the whole "I hate myself," thing I would be ashes."
"Why would she want you like that?"
"Pet vampire for the slayer. I was her exception to prove the rule that: demons are bad, must kill."
"I don't like her and we've never met."
"Hell, I don't like her."