Conker's Bad Family Day
Today was the day when the true weirdness was sure to occur. Conker had been taken into the Griffin house and things were bound to get interesting as a result.
Conker roamed around the house and asked, "Hey, guys do you gots any beer? I'm in desperate need of some."
"I'm sure you'll find some," Chris stated, "Dad probably has lots in the fridge."
Peter turned to him and stated, "Probably have some? I practically own beer!"
"Well, what you got?" Conker asked as Peter grinned, pulled a can out of the fridge and said, "We have the famous beer from Pawtucket Pat."
The squirrel tried some and said, "This isn't bad."
He wandered off into the living room where Stewie was having a tea party with his teddy bear, Rupert. He gasped at the sight of the squirrel and shouted, "You stay away from Rupert!"
Conker noticed the kid clutching his bear and stated, "Look kid, I won't shoot him without a reason. It's not like I'm in a war where I have no choice. Besides, that bear's already stuffed."
"No, Rupert is not stuffed!" Stewie retorted, "He's a REAL bear, a REAL BEAR!"
Suddenly, a talking white dog named Brian entered the room and stated, "Still denying the fact that Rupert's a toy, I see."
Stewie gaped at his oppressor and spat, "Shut up, you infantile stupid! Rupert is not a toy!"
Brian shrugged and sat down on the couch. Playing on the TV was Seinfeld.
(On the screen)
Jerry stood on stage and asked, "You know when you're walking down the road and you notice a man being mugged right in front of you but you don't do anything? Well, you should! It's not like the police are capable of saving this man's life, are they?"
(Off screen)
Brian laughed and said, "Oh, you just can't beat the classics, eh Peter?"
He turned around to notice that a squirrel was sitting where the fat man usually sat. The dog's eyes widened and then closed half way as Brian got off of the couch, marched into the kitchen and asked, "What is this squirrel doing in our home? What? A talking dog isn't enough for you?"
Lois sighed and said, "Brian, this is Conker. He is not our new pet or best friend. He came here from another dimension and needs a place to stay. I'm sure you'll become the best of friends. Now go have a leisure conversation with him."
Brian refused to move as he stared at the woman with a little spite in his eyes.
Lois sighed, pulled out a stick, shook it around and said, "Here boy, go get the stick! You want the stick?" She threw it into the TV room and exclaimed, "Go get it!"
Brian playfully ran into the TV room after the stick, picked it up and put it in his mouth. When he turned around, he realized that Lois wasn't there, spat the stick out and muttered, "Dammit, I guess I have no choice now. Well, I could leave the room, but Lois might trick me with another stick again."
The dog sighed, climbed back onto the couch, turned to the squirrel, slowly let out his hand and said, "Hi, my name is Brian. Nice to meet you."
Conker shook his hand and stated, "Hi, my name is Conker the Squirrel. You want a beer? I can't finish my second one."
Brian happily took the beer and said, "I guess having a squirrel around isn't exactly a bad thing."
After exactly 20 seconds, Lois came back and found that Brian and Conker were drunk and having a pointless conversation about ants.
"Did you know that if you stick an ant up your nose, it will have no negative consequences?" Brian asked.
"No way! That can't be true!" Conker replied.
He reached for another beer only to find nothing there. He gasped and whined, "Oh, Brian, it's a federal state emergency! It would seem that we are out of alcohol!"
Peter shuddered and shouted, "My Peter senses are tingling! We must go to the super market for some beer!"
With that, the entire family along with Conker drove to the super market. They exited the car as Conker looked at the tall building and said, "So, this is a super market. Where I come from, we have nothing but pawn shops and fruit stands and taverns.
Peter turned to Conker and said, "Hey, me and the guys are going to the drunken clam tonight. You wanna come? I'll introduce you to all my friends. It'll be magical, more magical than the time I was in One Piece."
(In the One Piece world during a flashback)
Peter was sitting around drinking all the grog. Zoro stormed up to him and spat, "Stop drinking my grog, you fat bastard!"
"Oh yeah? Well… shut up… moss head," Peter stuttered, trying to think of a better insult.
Surprisingly, Zoro took offense to this, ran into a corner and started crying, "He called me a moss head! Only Sanji is allowed to call me that!"
Suddenly, Luffy popped up out of nowhere and shouted, "I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"
(End flashback)
Everyone went a different way in groups of two so they could cover more ground. Lois and Chris covered the house care aisle while Peter and Conker covered the aisle with beer in it. Meg and Brian decided to pick out the day's dinner.
Peter turned to Conker and asked, "How much should we buy?"
"How about 12 10-packs?" Conker suggested.
"No," Peter said, "We'll need a lot more than that. We'll need 12 16-packs."
Lois and Chris were done shopping for toilet paper and were in the mild department. Lois pointed towards a counter and asked, "Chris, honey, can you get me a pale of ice cream from the back?"
Chris walked over to the freezer shelves and reached for a pale of ice cream from the back only to be pulled in by a bony hand that was also clasping onto the pale of ice cream.
"Who are you?" Chris asked as a little toddler with a mafia outfit hushed him and said, "My name is Reborn, and the boss sent me to make you the new mafia boss. See, you get to have me and my magic bullet as partners."
Chris screamed, took the pale of ice cream and leapt out of the back of the shelf. Lois stared and asked, "Why were you all the way in the back for 30 seconds? You could have caught a cold back there!"
While Brian and Meg picked out what kind of chicken to buy for dinner, a fat kid ran through Brian with a light surrounding him thus turning Brian into a hot dog. Brian glared at him and snapped, "Turn me back, Bob from 'Braving the Elements'!"
Anyway, after a while, everyone had gotten what they needed from the super market and were ready to come home. As they drove towards home, a big hand made out of a familiar smelly substance came out of a sewer pipe, grabbed the car and flipped it over.
The group exited the car as Stewie plugged his nose and exclaimed, "Whoa! What is that monstrous odor?"
Chris stared in shock and said, "I smell a poorly planned poop joke coming on."
The owner of the hand that flipped their car over revealed himself from the sewers. His body was made entirely of poop.
Peter gasped and shouted, "HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS THAT?"
Conker slapped his forehead and uttered, "Oh no, you don't wanna know."
As a bunch of opera music played, the creature came fully out of the sewer, cleared his throat and sand, "Me-me-me-me-me-meeeee… I am the great mighty poo, and I'm going to throw my shit at you! A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish. How about some scat you little twat?"
He pulled a big lump of poo off of his right shoulder and hurled it at the group. Conker noticed that there were no B pads to help him, so he spat, "Lois, hand me a roll of toilet paper!"
"What?" Lois retorted, "Toilet paper isn't going to clean up that much guck!"
"Just give me a roll of toilet paper," he snapped, "I know what I'm doing."
Lois handed the squirrel a piece of toilet paper. The poo started throwing massive chunks at the squirrel, who simply dodged it. He dodged ten more lumps until the poo opened his mouth and started singing for no reason.
It was then that Conker hurled the roll of the poo-killing paper into the thing's mouth. The great mighty poo coughed up some poo along with the toilet paper and sang, "Do you really think you'll survive in here? You don't seem to know which creek you're in. Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear. How do think I keep this lovely grin?"
The poo flashed it's sweet corn-made teeth and said, "Have some more caviar."
With that, he threw more chunks at the poor squirrel. Conker dodged the assault only for Meg to be squashed under a pile of shit.
"Why didn't you stop that from hitting me?" she asked. There was a dead silence as she spat, "I could have been killed!" When she received no response, she growled and walked off in blind fury.
Peter stared and asked, "What's that guy's problem?"
Conker once again waited for the poo to start singing again before he tossed another roll into his mouth. The poo coughed up more toilet paper and sang, "Now I'm starting to get rather mad, you're like a niggly tickly shitty little tag nut. When I've knocked you out with all my bab, I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt?"
"Your butt?" Conker asked.
"My butt!"
"Your butt?"
"That's right, my butt!"
"Ew!"
"My butt!"
"UGH!"
"My BUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTT!"
Everyone watching this scene couldn't help but feel disgusted. Tom and Diane stood nearby while Tom announced, "It would appear that a giant piece of poo, possibly from Diane's last trip to the bathroom, is attacking people while a squirrel is fighting it off. Back to you, Diane."
Diane grimaced and said, "Reports indicate that it might have been from Tom's last trip to the bathroom."
Conker hurled yet another roll into the poo's mouth as it took a deep breath and let out a loud musical hollering noise. Conker noticed the window to an exhibit on the world's largest toilet had been smashed. He and the Griffins worked together to push the toilet outside.
Amazingly, the poo was dumb enough to sink into the sewers and poke its head up through the toilet. With that, the group used all their might to force down the flusher as the great mighty poo span around and around cursing, "Oh, you cursed squirrel, look what you've done. I'm flushing, I'm flushing! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought that such a good squirrel could defeat my beautiful clagginess? I'm going, I'm going! NOOOOOO!"
Peter grinned and said, "Now that's what I call a bowel movement," as a bunch of finishing opera music sounded in the background.
Lois turned to Conker and asked, "How did you know that your strategy would defeat it?"
Conker sighed and explained, "He's an enemy from my world, which means that other enemies must have come here too."