Title: That Damn Happiness Clause
Writer: Azure K Mello
Disclaimer- I don't own the shoes I'm currently dancing in what's the likelihood I own anything in Joss' universe? I own the original novels. . . I bought them in Borders, and I own the DVDs. I don't however make money off of this I just seem to spend a lot on it. I in no way intend to infringe copyrights. I'm just entertaining myself, honestly, I'm shocked that anyone's read it.
Note: As I said to Poison just the other day, I thought this was going to be pure fluff. In fact I thought it was going to be my very first fluffy series. It turns out I was wrong.
Setting: somewhere during the Bachelor Party, some conversation is mangled out of said ep. This has nothing to do with Buff's time line at all.
Warning: SLASH Angel/Doyle. Spike/Xander. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Also rather heavy mentions of abuse. Extreme angst. So extreme I'm crying, but I've had a little to much White Zinfandel.
Thanks to Poison for being the fastest Beta I've ever had!
Section rating: R
Part 9/?
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"Tell me a story?" said Xander as Spike wrapped himself around the boy. They were just in that place before sleep wherein one can feel their whole body with superhuman keenness.
"What would you like to hear, pet?"
"Who were you before you turned? Who turned you? Angel right? And while you're telling the story can I interrupt?"
"Sure you can. But are you sure you don't want a fluffier tale this one's kinda miserable?"
"I want to know if you want to tell me."
"Ok then. Long time ago, 1856. I was born William James Theodore Idol."
"No, Stop it, Spike. You aren't saying you're Billy Idol. . . are you?"
"Yes, but that comes later. At this juncture in time I'm just the oldest son of a lord. But anyway, my two sisters and my brother died when we were young, consumption didn't care if you were rich. As the last child living my parents indulged me. They both loved me more than anything. I wanted to be a professional student for the rest of my life. I went to Oxbridge." Spike said all of this in a posh accent, Xander wasn't sure if Spike even noticed.
"Oxbridge?"
"It means Oxford/Cambridge."
"So which did you go to? Or can you not remember? How long ago did you say this was?"
"I went to both. Oxford Law and Cambridge Medical. I wanted to be too educated to have a real job and I was fast on my way there. This was. . . well, I was turned in 1880 and I was 24 at the time. But anyway. Yeah, so I'm well on my way to being too erudite for words and I'm a complete swot but I impress myself. And life was grand. I can stop here if you like that was the cute nice tale of me. "
"Go on."
"Ya sure? Ok. So my Mum gets TB and Daddy is afraid to be anywhere near her thinking he might become ill. So I spend all my time with either her or Cecily Addams. This lovely girl. And I was pretty sure I had TB but I hadn't told anyone so I thought the best way to deal was to get rip roarin' drunk. So I went down to a pub."
"I thought pubs were for lowlife?"
"Pubs are for *everyone* the bloody Queen's even frequented a few. So I go to this pub and on the way back I meet this guy. Beautiful creature, of course I didn't appreciate it at the time."
"Being turned made you gay?" said Xander with a smirk.
"No, it's not like that. We can't ever reproduce via sex and so sexuality becomes null and void."
"So all vampires are bi?" asked Xander raising an eyebrow.
"No not even that. It not that we are attracted to both sexes it that we're attracted to neither. We honestly don't think sex first person later. Does that make sense? And I'm not saying there is no libido or whatever, it's just that we aren't attracted to the sex? And I kinda get the feeling you're extremely vampiric in that way. Did you ever care. Was Cordy girl first and girlfriend second? God I don't know if I can make this clear."
"Actually I think I got it and I think I might agree on the whole vampire-esque me thing."
"Ok, so I'll go on. So this guy, to make a long story short, rapes me. And no matter where I go or what I do he still finds me, every night. It seemed like he could smell my scent. And I hated him because no matter how much he said he loved me it didn't stop the fact that it was rape plain and simple."
"Spike, if you don't want to-"
"S'ok, pet, this is a long time ago. It doesn't hurt anymore." Xander could see from his eyes it was a lie but if Spike wanted to tell him he wasn't going to make the man stop. He ran his fingers in comforting patterns over Spikes body. "So yeah, one night he says to me he's gonna make me see a whole new world and I tell him that I love Cecily and, unless he is willing to physically force me to stop seeing her, there was no stopping it. We'd been going out for a while though in those dates a date was a date and holding hands meant everything." He said sarcastically. "She didn't want to tell all of her friends just yet. She wanted to see where it was leading first. And I said this to him and he said, fine go to her party and ask her to marry you if she says yes I'm gone. So I go to the party and she tells me in front of everyone that I'm beneath her. And after that I practically ran to Angelus just wanting someone to love me no matter how fucked up it was."
"How could you?" Xander's words trailed off and he just stopped.
"There is a large difference between being raped and having sex. You of all people-" he stopped seeing Xander go ashen. "I'm sorry, that was so fucking out of line. I shouldn't have said."
"I know you know everything about me, I shouldn't be shocked when you point out that my father whored me out to half the men in my family. And, hey, incest is funny right? Well I guess our fathers are more similar than I would have said." he lapsed into silence and held Spike painfully close. "There's no point in pretending that you don't know everything about me."
"I don't, luv, I don't know any of the real important stuff. I don't know you, I know your life story. That's not the same."
"Yeah?" asked Xander doubtfully.
"Not in the least, pet, wanta know everything about you: favorite movies, why we brought that stuffed hippo with us, why you're here."
"Because I love you, the Hippo's name is Norbert and you better give him his props, and the Power Ranger's last movie was highly under rated."
"Oh dear, I've found myself a PR freak."
"VR Troopers was way better but since they took that off the air I've made do."
"You are so fucking cute." Said Spike kissing a soft line down Xander's chest and back up his jaw.
"Thank-you."
"For what?" said Spike looking into his eyes.
"For taking this slow. I know you must want-"
"I've had enough sex to last me 'til I'm dead. Most of which was either unwelcome or meaningless. What I want is you, forever and ever. So when the moment's right it'll happen until then this is perfect." He said licking Xand's shoulder. "Go to sleep now, we already called Triple M and he knows we won't be into work. So go to sleep to dream."
"Always the poet, my William."
"I was a poet, a bloody awful one."
"I know."
"How?"
"Your father published all of your work post mortem we read it in sophomore English. William Idol. It wasn't that bad. You didn't know?"
"No. Do the Sunnydale guys?"
"They have no idea. I liked some of it. It might not have been fluid but it was heartfelt."
"I never killed my father. I tortured everyone at the party except Cecily, she was so hurt that she became the demon Halfrek. I turned my mother to save her but she was so mean to me that I staked her meself." He said finally slipping back into his cockney voice.
"And when did you pick up the street urchin accent?"
"Within the first five years. I was sick of Angelus referring to me as "My lordship"."
"But you're real voice is so pretty." Said Xander playfully.
"Yeah?" asked Spike with a smile. "Ya think so?"
"Yeah, Will." He said with a smile.
"Go to sleep, you dolt." Said Spike but his words were warm and affectionate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waking with a start Spike sat up causing Xander to moan at the lose of contact. Slowly the boy opened his eyes and looked up at the blond. "Whassa matta?" he asked sleepily.
"Drusilla was prophetic, she had the sight and I always had visionary dreams, I assumed it was from sharing her bed for so long. Xander, I don't mind being your rent boy but I'd like to be in the know about it."
"Spike, I'm very not awake. But I can assure you that you're not my whore. Love you. Picked you."
"It doesn't matter. I'm yours, ok? But I just want to know the deal."
"I am just as much yours as you are mine. What was the dream?"
"You were a vampire groupie and you wanted me to bite you and I wouldn't because I was afraid I would drain you. So you left me for Penn!!!" he burst into sobs.
"It was a nightmare, nothing more. Biting would hurt-"
"In a good way." Interrupted Spike.
"And anyway. Who the hell is Penn?"
"He's Angelus' golden childe."
"That's nice. Angel can have him because the only golden boy I see is right here in my arms." His words were warm but his eyes were cold. Spike knew however that the coldness was not caused by a lie: it wasn't for him. His Xander loved him. "We should go to work. But you look really fucked up and kinda crazed, so why don't you get sleep and I'll be back in this bed as quick as a Jack can."
"Sounds really good, luv."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey," said Xander as he walked through the door. "What's the what?"
"There's nothin' goin' where's the blond?" asked Doyle.
"Home, sleeping. Where's Mr I'm-so-evil-let-me-brood-over-it-while- doing-my-hair?"
"He's doing his hair." Replied Doyle with a smirk. "How was the 'dale?"
"Hell, remind me to never go back again."
"Oh? How are your friends?"
"They're not. . . my friends. I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default. Uhggg. Why can't there be something to kill?"
"No vision, no walk ins leads to naught to kill."
Xander threw himself in a chair and picked up the book he'd been reading for the past few days. It was all about the psychological development of languages both human and demonic. It was surprisingly interesting. And he thought he was done with the book reading. But being with Spike made him feel under educated when faced with the learned man.
Angel walked in and smelt the tension in the air. Upon observing the boy's crumpled and edgy stance he nodded to Doyle who quietly left. "Hey, Xan, what's the matter? Why are you so angry?"
"I'm not angry at *you*."
"I never said that. Is Spike ok?"
"Why would you care, Angel?"
"Oh, so what did he tell you?" asked Angel softly.
"What are you going to deny it!?"
"No, I'm sure he cleaned it up for you. He must have made me look a lot better than I am because if he told you the whole truth I would be dust by now."
"Yes, I'm sure that's true. You say you were cruel but I don't think you realize just how much you hurt him. I can't be angry at you. You're not him, or you are but you can at least hold back. But the next time I hear you even joking insult him I don't know how angry I *won't* be."
"Does he still?" An angry laugh interrupted Angel's question.
"You made him. You're his father, his creator, his captor, and his god, his eternal mate. And you're about to ask me if you still matter to him? If you still captivate his mind? Is whatever the fuck beat or raped into him still the god's honest truth to him? Shame on you. I'm not even a vampire and I understand that a sire is something sacred. You think a few years lost and then some pleasantries can fix all you've done? Nothing I can say or do can help him. There is a place inside of him that I can't touch because you own the key. And you threw the key away because it just wasn't good enough or important enough for you. I don't even think you can help him. It's done. I just hope that you and *Penn* had a good time breaking him in because that's all the positive that's come out of it. No matter what angle you look at it from." He got up so quickly his chair fell over. "You threatened Cecily, didn't you? No one would ever push cute, human, innocent, loving William away. You gave her the whole vampire spiel and she ran. He still believes it, that she just hated him. He still believes it because you told him it was true. And if you said that it was true, well then it had to be. I'm not going to point it out. What good could it do now? You're not the same person. He's a part of you yes, but you're still you. So what good could any of it do? There is no way for you to invalidate this past. And no number of saved innocents can redeem you for this. And maybe that is so selfish to say, that what you did to another soulless creature was your biggest sin. Fuck I don't know, all I do know is that a childe is supposed to be special not some toy for you and your prodigal son." He exhaled noisily, angrily and shrugged a tired shrug. "You know where we are if we're needed." He said and fled the office.
Doyle who hadn't gone far wandered back in. "You didn't stand up for yourself. You just let him say all those awful things."
"He didn't even get close to awful. Whatever he knows about Spike's past with me is, I assure you, the tip of the iceberg. In some ways you're very lucky because at least your past faults aren't still walking around, still trusting you not to hurt them, though you already have." Angel got up and reached for his coat.
"Where are you going?"
"To talk to Spike."
"Angel, I hate to play the bastard role. But if what you say is true and what Xander says is true then this is just too little too late. Let the boy be with him. I don't think he realizes just how good for Spike he is. Now do you want to tell me the nitty-gritty details?"
"Do you want to hear them?" asked a bewildered Angel.
"Not really but you need to tell someone and I'm your someone."
"Are you sure?"
"That I'm your someone?"
"That you want to hear. It's just it's not good. We did so many horrible things to him. God, I scouted him out. All he was a pretty face and a pure soul to fuck with. I was his sire, that's not how it's supposed to work."
"Yeah, what's the thing with the sire/childe thing Xander went on about?"
"Just as he said. A sire is the world to their childer. And while the childer love and revere their sire their sire is supposed to love and protect them. It's a special bond, the only type of love that's accepted in vampiric circles. That's why it's such taboo to kill one's sire and why if a vampire gets "out of hand" by vampire standards it falls to the sire to dust them. Minions can be made, they have so very little of your blood. And you can use them and belittle. But a childe is sacred. I made sure I feed William enough of my blood to make him my childe. Minions' emotions are stunted, you could hurt them physically or scare them into obey but emotionally they didn't get hurt. And I wanted someone who would be completely dependent on me for their happiness, someone with all the feelings of a full fledged vampire. So I made William so beautiful, and pure, and happy, I made him because he was perfection and what is better to sully than perfection? He was nothing but an animal to me. I didn't see him as my childe though I always called my sweetest childe, I never loved him. And while I didn't see him as a childe he saw me as his sire. He loved and obeyed me, he believed blindly in me. I would leave him for days sometimes weeks with his *loving big brother* I haven't seen Penn in ages. He was a puritan when I made him. You have to respect my grasp on irony if nothing else. I would come home to a boy with no skin laying in a salt bath. And I would laugh. One time we left him chained to a tree in a park no one ventured into. The tree was nice and leafy, no chance of him becoming dust. Ten days later I went to get him. All of his skin had bubbled off with his sun burn. It was followed by another salt bath. He hated me so much but he wouldn't leave, he loved me, and I made damn sure he was too scared to. And when I got him just well enough to walk I would throw him out of the house and tell him he displeased me and that he was no childe of mine. He would grovel and beg to come home. Made him swear on a bible that he would be good. He lost all the skin on the palm of his hand. The things I did to him. And worst of all, when I got my soul, I just left. No thought for his welfare. I left him with *Penn* and he stayed for sixty years before realizing I wasn't coming back for him. I made him so that he couldn't be alone and then I left him. Xander's right, nothing else I did compares with what I did to William accept maybe turning Drusilla so that she would forever be torment with the sight. But at least Dru never knew what had happened to her. Nothing I did to humans compared because at least they could die."
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The coolness of Spike's skin made Xander shiver but he just snuggled closer. Spike smiled when he felt the boy. "You smell good, all angry like you're spoiling for a fight." He said softly nearly purring the words.
"Just been brooding."
"About?"
"You, you dolt."
"That's not a very nice thing to say to the man you're cuddling to death."
"Why did you let him do it all to you?" said Xander tracing scars on Spike that were vary too reminiscent of the ones all over his own body.
"I know it's hard for you to understand. But he is my sire, and he loves me."
"Now, yes. Then, no."
"Please, Xan, this is my sire we're talking about. He always loved me. He just had a really hard time showing it. He always called me his sweetest childe."
"Did he have a hard time showing it with Penn?"
"That's low, Xander."
"I love you so much it hurts, Spike and I just wish that you would realize that what he did wasn't fair. That you are better than Angelus. Fuck, you're better than Angel! And I just wish." His words tapered off. "You're the most amazing person in the whole world."
"Yeah?" asked Spike with a smile. "So d'ya yell at Angel?"
"Oh yeah."
"Make ya feel better?"
"A little."
"That's good."
"When was the last time you ate anything real?"
"Not pigs' blood? Few days ago, mugger, didn't kill him. Why?"
"Just wondered." Said Xander as he ran his teeth roughly over the cut in is lip. He tasted the blood and kisses Spike. Spike gasped. A tongue darted out to taste the life liquid on Xander's mouth. They broke apart when Xander needed to breath. "That," he panted, "was to stave off the nightmares. See you stopped."
"You are so odd. In a good way though. You sure you have a pulse and aren't one of the undead?"
"I just wanted to give you something. A gift of blood given freely. Isn't that something? I think I read that once in a demony book."
"It's a pledge." Said Spike softly as though in awe he looked away from the boy but Xander saw the tears in his eyes.
"A pledge?"
"You belong to me." Said Spike looking up at him with a smile. "You're mine."
Writer: Azure K Mello
Disclaimer- I don't own the shoes I'm currently dancing in what's the likelihood I own anything in Joss' universe? I own the original novels. . . I bought them in Borders, and I own the DVDs. I don't however make money off of this I just seem to spend a lot on it. I in no way intend to infringe copyrights. I'm just entertaining myself, honestly, I'm shocked that anyone's read it.
Note: As I said to Poison just the other day, I thought this was going to be pure fluff. In fact I thought it was going to be my very first fluffy series. It turns out I was wrong.
Setting: somewhere during the Bachelor Party, some conversation is mangled out of said ep. This has nothing to do with Buff's time line at all.
Warning: SLASH Angel/Doyle. Spike/Xander. Don't like, don't read, don't flame. Also rather heavy mentions of abuse. Extreme angst. So extreme I'm crying, but I've had a little to much White Zinfandel.
Thanks to Poison for being the fastest Beta I've ever had!
Section rating: R
Part 9/?
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"Tell me a story?" said Xander as Spike wrapped himself around the boy. They were just in that place before sleep wherein one can feel their whole body with superhuman keenness.
"What would you like to hear, pet?"
"Who were you before you turned? Who turned you? Angel right? And while you're telling the story can I interrupt?"
"Sure you can. But are you sure you don't want a fluffier tale this one's kinda miserable?"
"I want to know if you want to tell me."
"Ok then. Long time ago, 1856. I was born William James Theodore Idol."
"No, Stop it, Spike. You aren't saying you're Billy Idol. . . are you?"
"Yes, but that comes later. At this juncture in time I'm just the oldest son of a lord. But anyway, my two sisters and my brother died when we were young, consumption didn't care if you were rich. As the last child living my parents indulged me. They both loved me more than anything. I wanted to be a professional student for the rest of my life. I went to Oxbridge." Spike said all of this in a posh accent, Xander wasn't sure if Spike even noticed.
"Oxbridge?"
"It means Oxford/Cambridge."
"So which did you go to? Or can you not remember? How long ago did you say this was?"
"I went to both. Oxford Law and Cambridge Medical. I wanted to be too educated to have a real job and I was fast on my way there. This was. . . well, I was turned in 1880 and I was 24 at the time. But anyway. Yeah, so I'm well on my way to being too erudite for words and I'm a complete swot but I impress myself. And life was grand. I can stop here if you like that was the cute nice tale of me. "
"Go on."
"Ya sure? Ok. So my Mum gets TB and Daddy is afraid to be anywhere near her thinking he might become ill. So I spend all my time with either her or Cecily Addams. This lovely girl. And I was pretty sure I had TB but I hadn't told anyone so I thought the best way to deal was to get rip roarin' drunk. So I went down to a pub."
"I thought pubs were for lowlife?"
"Pubs are for *everyone* the bloody Queen's even frequented a few. So I go to this pub and on the way back I meet this guy. Beautiful creature, of course I didn't appreciate it at the time."
"Being turned made you gay?" said Xander with a smirk.
"No, it's not like that. We can't ever reproduce via sex and so sexuality becomes null and void."
"So all vampires are bi?" asked Xander raising an eyebrow.
"No not even that. It not that we are attracted to both sexes it that we're attracted to neither. We honestly don't think sex first person later. Does that make sense? And I'm not saying there is no libido or whatever, it's just that we aren't attracted to the sex? And I kinda get the feeling you're extremely vampiric in that way. Did you ever care. Was Cordy girl first and girlfriend second? God I don't know if I can make this clear."
"Actually I think I got it and I think I might agree on the whole vampire-esque me thing."
"Ok, so I'll go on. So this guy, to make a long story short, rapes me. And no matter where I go or what I do he still finds me, every night. It seemed like he could smell my scent. And I hated him because no matter how much he said he loved me it didn't stop the fact that it was rape plain and simple."
"Spike, if you don't want to-"
"S'ok, pet, this is a long time ago. It doesn't hurt anymore." Xander could see from his eyes it was a lie but if Spike wanted to tell him he wasn't going to make the man stop. He ran his fingers in comforting patterns over Spikes body. "So yeah, one night he says to me he's gonna make me see a whole new world and I tell him that I love Cecily and, unless he is willing to physically force me to stop seeing her, there was no stopping it. We'd been going out for a while though in those dates a date was a date and holding hands meant everything." He said sarcastically. "She didn't want to tell all of her friends just yet. She wanted to see where it was leading first. And I said this to him and he said, fine go to her party and ask her to marry you if she says yes I'm gone. So I go to the party and she tells me in front of everyone that I'm beneath her. And after that I practically ran to Angelus just wanting someone to love me no matter how fucked up it was."
"How could you?" Xander's words trailed off and he just stopped.
"There is a large difference between being raped and having sex. You of all people-" he stopped seeing Xander go ashen. "I'm sorry, that was so fucking out of line. I shouldn't have said."
"I know you know everything about me, I shouldn't be shocked when you point out that my father whored me out to half the men in my family. And, hey, incest is funny right? Well I guess our fathers are more similar than I would have said." he lapsed into silence and held Spike painfully close. "There's no point in pretending that you don't know everything about me."
"I don't, luv, I don't know any of the real important stuff. I don't know you, I know your life story. That's not the same."
"Yeah?" asked Xander doubtfully.
"Not in the least, pet, wanta know everything about you: favorite movies, why we brought that stuffed hippo with us, why you're here."
"Because I love you, the Hippo's name is Norbert and you better give him his props, and the Power Ranger's last movie was highly under rated."
"Oh dear, I've found myself a PR freak."
"VR Troopers was way better but since they took that off the air I've made do."
"You are so fucking cute." Said Spike kissing a soft line down Xander's chest and back up his jaw.
"Thank-you."
"For what?" said Spike looking into his eyes.
"For taking this slow. I know you must want-"
"I've had enough sex to last me 'til I'm dead. Most of which was either unwelcome or meaningless. What I want is you, forever and ever. So when the moment's right it'll happen until then this is perfect." He said licking Xand's shoulder. "Go to sleep now, we already called Triple M and he knows we won't be into work. So go to sleep to dream."
"Always the poet, my William."
"I was a poet, a bloody awful one."
"I know."
"How?"
"Your father published all of your work post mortem we read it in sophomore English. William Idol. It wasn't that bad. You didn't know?"
"No. Do the Sunnydale guys?"
"They have no idea. I liked some of it. It might not have been fluid but it was heartfelt."
"I never killed my father. I tortured everyone at the party except Cecily, she was so hurt that she became the demon Halfrek. I turned my mother to save her but she was so mean to me that I staked her meself." He said finally slipping back into his cockney voice.
"And when did you pick up the street urchin accent?"
"Within the first five years. I was sick of Angelus referring to me as "My lordship"."
"But you're real voice is so pretty." Said Xander playfully.
"Yeah?" asked Spike with a smile. "Ya think so?"
"Yeah, Will." He said with a smile.
"Go to sleep, you dolt." Said Spike but his words were warm and affectionate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waking with a start Spike sat up causing Xander to moan at the lose of contact. Slowly the boy opened his eyes and looked up at the blond. "Whassa matta?" he asked sleepily.
"Drusilla was prophetic, she had the sight and I always had visionary dreams, I assumed it was from sharing her bed for so long. Xander, I don't mind being your rent boy but I'd like to be in the know about it."
"Spike, I'm very not awake. But I can assure you that you're not my whore. Love you. Picked you."
"It doesn't matter. I'm yours, ok? But I just want to know the deal."
"I am just as much yours as you are mine. What was the dream?"
"You were a vampire groupie and you wanted me to bite you and I wouldn't because I was afraid I would drain you. So you left me for Penn!!!" he burst into sobs.
"It was a nightmare, nothing more. Biting would hurt-"
"In a good way." Interrupted Spike.
"And anyway. Who the hell is Penn?"
"He's Angelus' golden childe."
"That's nice. Angel can have him because the only golden boy I see is right here in my arms." His words were warm but his eyes were cold. Spike knew however that the coldness was not caused by a lie: it wasn't for him. His Xander loved him. "We should go to work. But you look really fucked up and kinda crazed, so why don't you get sleep and I'll be back in this bed as quick as a Jack can."
"Sounds really good, luv."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey," said Xander as he walked through the door. "What's the what?"
"There's nothin' goin' where's the blond?" asked Doyle.
"Home, sleeping. Where's Mr I'm-so-evil-let-me-brood-over-it-while- doing-my-hair?"
"He's doing his hair." Replied Doyle with a smirk. "How was the 'dale?"
"Hell, remind me to never go back again."
"Oh? How are your friends?"
"They're not. . . my friends. I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default. Uhggg. Why can't there be something to kill?"
"No vision, no walk ins leads to naught to kill."
Xander threw himself in a chair and picked up the book he'd been reading for the past few days. It was all about the psychological development of languages both human and demonic. It was surprisingly interesting. And he thought he was done with the book reading. But being with Spike made him feel under educated when faced with the learned man.
Angel walked in and smelt the tension in the air. Upon observing the boy's crumpled and edgy stance he nodded to Doyle who quietly left. "Hey, Xan, what's the matter? Why are you so angry?"
"I'm not angry at *you*."
"I never said that. Is Spike ok?"
"Why would you care, Angel?"
"Oh, so what did he tell you?" asked Angel softly.
"What are you going to deny it!?"
"No, I'm sure he cleaned it up for you. He must have made me look a lot better than I am because if he told you the whole truth I would be dust by now."
"Yes, I'm sure that's true. You say you were cruel but I don't think you realize just how much you hurt him. I can't be angry at you. You're not him, or you are but you can at least hold back. But the next time I hear you even joking insult him I don't know how angry I *won't* be."
"Does he still?" An angry laugh interrupted Angel's question.
"You made him. You're his father, his creator, his captor, and his god, his eternal mate. And you're about to ask me if you still matter to him? If you still captivate his mind? Is whatever the fuck beat or raped into him still the god's honest truth to him? Shame on you. I'm not even a vampire and I understand that a sire is something sacred. You think a few years lost and then some pleasantries can fix all you've done? Nothing I can say or do can help him. There is a place inside of him that I can't touch because you own the key. And you threw the key away because it just wasn't good enough or important enough for you. I don't even think you can help him. It's done. I just hope that you and *Penn* had a good time breaking him in because that's all the positive that's come out of it. No matter what angle you look at it from." He got up so quickly his chair fell over. "You threatened Cecily, didn't you? No one would ever push cute, human, innocent, loving William away. You gave her the whole vampire spiel and she ran. He still believes it, that she just hated him. He still believes it because you told him it was true. And if you said that it was true, well then it had to be. I'm not going to point it out. What good could it do now? You're not the same person. He's a part of you yes, but you're still you. So what good could any of it do? There is no way for you to invalidate this past. And no number of saved innocents can redeem you for this. And maybe that is so selfish to say, that what you did to another soulless creature was your biggest sin. Fuck I don't know, all I do know is that a childe is supposed to be special not some toy for you and your prodigal son." He exhaled noisily, angrily and shrugged a tired shrug. "You know where we are if we're needed." He said and fled the office.
Doyle who hadn't gone far wandered back in. "You didn't stand up for yourself. You just let him say all those awful things."
"He didn't even get close to awful. Whatever he knows about Spike's past with me is, I assure you, the tip of the iceberg. In some ways you're very lucky because at least your past faults aren't still walking around, still trusting you not to hurt them, though you already have." Angel got up and reached for his coat.
"Where are you going?"
"To talk to Spike."
"Angel, I hate to play the bastard role. But if what you say is true and what Xander says is true then this is just too little too late. Let the boy be with him. I don't think he realizes just how good for Spike he is. Now do you want to tell me the nitty-gritty details?"
"Do you want to hear them?" asked a bewildered Angel.
"Not really but you need to tell someone and I'm your someone."
"Are you sure?"
"That I'm your someone?"
"That you want to hear. It's just it's not good. We did so many horrible things to him. God, I scouted him out. All he was a pretty face and a pure soul to fuck with. I was his sire, that's not how it's supposed to work."
"Yeah, what's the thing with the sire/childe thing Xander went on about?"
"Just as he said. A sire is the world to their childer. And while the childer love and revere their sire their sire is supposed to love and protect them. It's a special bond, the only type of love that's accepted in vampiric circles. That's why it's such taboo to kill one's sire and why if a vampire gets "out of hand" by vampire standards it falls to the sire to dust them. Minions can be made, they have so very little of your blood. And you can use them and belittle. But a childe is sacred. I made sure I feed William enough of my blood to make him my childe. Minions' emotions are stunted, you could hurt them physically or scare them into obey but emotionally they didn't get hurt. And I wanted someone who would be completely dependent on me for their happiness, someone with all the feelings of a full fledged vampire. So I made William so beautiful, and pure, and happy, I made him because he was perfection and what is better to sully than perfection? He was nothing but an animal to me. I didn't see him as my childe though I always called my sweetest childe, I never loved him. And while I didn't see him as a childe he saw me as his sire. He loved and obeyed me, he believed blindly in me. I would leave him for days sometimes weeks with his *loving big brother* I haven't seen Penn in ages. He was a puritan when I made him. You have to respect my grasp on irony if nothing else. I would come home to a boy with no skin laying in a salt bath. And I would laugh. One time we left him chained to a tree in a park no one ventured into. The tree was nice and leafy, no chance of him becoming dust. Ten days later I went to get him. All of his skin had bubbled off with his sun burn. It was followed by another salt bath. He hated me so much but he wouldn't leave, he loved me, and I made damn sure he was too scared to. And when I got him just well enough to walk I would throw him out of the house and tell him he displeased me and that he was no childe of mine. He would grovel and beg to come home. Made him swear on a bible that he would be good. He lost all the skin on the palm of his hand. The things I did to him. And worst of all, when I got my soul, I just left. No thought for his welfare. I left him with *Penn* and he stayed for sixty years before realizing I wasn't coming back for him. I made him so that he couldn't be alone and then I left him. Xander's right, nothing else I did compares with what I did to William accept maybe turning Drusilla so that she would forever be torment with the sight. But at least Dru never knew what had happened to her. Nothing I did to humans compared because at least they could die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The coolness of Spike's skin made Xander shiver but he just snuggled closer. Spike smiled when he felt the boy. "You smell good, all angry like you're spoiling for a fight." He said softly nearly purring the words.
"Just been brooding."
"About?"
"You, you dolt."
"That's not a very nice thing to say to the man you're cuddling to death."
"Why did you let him do it all to you?" said Xander tracing scars on Spike that were vary too reminiscent of the ones all over his own body.
"I know it's hard for you to understand. But he is my sire, and he loves me."
"Now, yes. Then, no."
"Please, Xan, this is my sire we're talking about. He always loved me. He just had a really hard time showing it. He always called me his sweetest childe."
"Did he have a hard time showing it with Penn?"
"That's low, Xander."
"I love you so much it hurts, Spike and I just wish that you would realize that what he did wasn't fair. That you are better than Angelus. Fuck, you're better than Angel! And I just wish." His words tapered off. "You're the most amazing person in the whole world."
"Yeah?" asked Spike with a smile. "So d'ya yell at Angel?"
"Oh yeah."
"Make ya feel better?"
"A little."
"That's good."
"When was the last time you ate anything real?"
"Not pigs' blood? Few days ago, mugger, didn't kill him. Why?"
"Just wondered." Said Xander as he ran his teeth roughly over the cut in is lip. He tasted the blood and kisses Spike. Spike gasped. A tongue darted out to taste the life liquid on Xander's mouth. They broke apart when Xander needed to breath. "That," he panted, "was to stave off the nightmares. See you stopped."
"You are so odd. In a good way though. You sure you have a pulse and aren't one of the undead?"
"I just wanted to give you something. A gift of blood given freely. Isn't that something? I think I read that once in a demony book."
"It's a pledge." Said Spike softly as though in awe he looked away from the boy but Xander saw the tears in his eyes.
"A pledge?"
"You belong to me." Said Spike looking up at him with a smile. "You're mine."