Conker's Bad Family Day
Recently, it was revealed that the Great Mighty Poo from Conker's world had somehow entered Quahog. Well, the crisis was over and everyone was sure the rift deal was over with.
As the family sat in front of the TV watching Springer, Meg entered the room and asked, "Hey, can I have the remote? Drawn Together is on."
"Drawn Together?" Peter retorted, "Oh, I love Drawn Together and slapstick random humor that very similar to our own!"
He changed the channel as Conker turned to Meg and asked, "Why do you like this Drawn Together show so much? I personally don't get it, just like I don't get my life."
"Because it has a girl who makes me look thin in comparison," Meg stated, obviously referring to Toot.
Suddenly, Brian entered the room and said, "Hey guys, I won us a contest."
"Oh boy!" Chris replied, "What did we win?"
Peter looked at the prize tickets that Brian was holding and shouted, "Wow, he got us pieces of cardboard with Rodeo written on them!"
"No," Brian retorted, "They're tickets to the rodeo, and I'm inviting the family."
Everyone cheered as Meg moped and Brian finished, "And Meg's invited too."
The whole family entered the car and drove down to the rodeo. Conker turned to Peter and asked, "Say, Peter, when are we ever gonna go to that Drunken Clam you told me about? I wanna meet your friends… and have tavern beer rather than store bought."
Peter froze for a minute and cursed, "DAMN! I knew I forgot to do something yesterday. I'll take you there after the bull fight."
"Bull fight?" Conker retorted as Peter said, "Yeah, it'll be great! They say that their strongest bull ever born is performing today! It's gonna be all bloody and gory and they say the matador may die!"
Conker gulped as Stewie turned his head to the side saying, "Oh, boohoo. So a man who's not you dies! By what I've heard, you killed a baby dinosaur."
Conker shook his head and spat, "Don't you get it? My FUR is red."
Lois gasped and said, "I completely forgot about that. Here, when we stop, I'll die your fur grey for you."
The color grey did always remind Conker of his dead war buddies, but nonetheless, he needed a safeguard, and this was it.
Finally, the family had arrived. Peter bought a cowboy hat at the first store he found so he could fit in with the scenery. Lois put Stewie in a playpen with all the other kids, much to the baby's dismay, while Chris and Meg did their own thing.
Brian walked behind a gunning range, which Stewie wanted to try out, and pulled out a cigarette. As he smoked it, a man dressed like a cowboy walked up to him and asked, "Say, partner, would you spare me a cig stick? I brought my lighter but I forgot my cigarettes at home."
Brian kindly handed the man a cigarette as the man ripped off his skin to reveal Rob Reiner underneath and said, "Now I have a good case against the tobacco lobbyists. Animals are smoking. It's perfect!"
With that, he curiously pulled out a lighter of his own and took a puff. His eyes bulged out and turned beat red as he stated, "I've never actually tried one of these before. I can't believe that I've been campaigning against them for so long. That's it, I am officially giving up chicken wings! This is my buzz now!"
Finally, it was time for the bullfight. Conker trembled with fear as Meg placed an arm on his shoulder and said, "Don't worry. Your fur is grey now."
Conker noticed the arm touching his shoulder and shouted, "Help! A hideous beast is attacking me!"
With that, a series of rapid guards came out and carried Meg off into the pigpen. "Oh boy slops!" she exclaimed as she knelt down and started eating the pig food. The pigs approached the dish to join in, but Meg snorted in a vicious fashion thus scaring them away so she could finish the slops.
The audience watched as the bull door opened and a big black bull came running into the ring. Conker stared and asked, "Is that Big Guy the Bull?"
Suddenly, a man carrying a keg of water walked by and dropped the whole keg on Conker's head. The worst part is that the grey die came right off on account of this and the squirrel's red fur was exposed. As if it couldn't get any worse, he and the Griffins were sitting in the front row.
The bull turned his gaze over to the squirrel and spat, "You, don't you dare enter this area! I hate the color red!"
Conker blinked and said, "So, it IS you, Big Guy. I thought you died when you fell down the poop sewer lid!"
The bull shook his head and said, "It may have been a great fall, but swamp water isn't enough to kill me. Well, since I do want an audience, you can stay and watch. Just don't enter the ring! I absolutely despise red!"
Conker grimaced and spat, "You know, your hatred towards red may have to do with the fact that you're a bull, but let's not forget that it's not my fault that my fur is red! Just for the hell of it all, I'm going to come in there and prove that redder is better!"
"Redder is better?" Peter scoffed.
"Wow, that was really lame," Stewie commented.
"Yeah, that really sucked," Lois stated.
"That was just horrible. 4kids writes better puns," Chris stated.
"And that's a fact," said Al Kahn from the audience only to be beaten up by countless otaku seconds later.
Conker sighed and jumped into the ring. The announcer shrugged and said, "It would seem that we have two matadors now!"
The original matador turned to the squirrel and said, "Thanks, buddy, I need help. Together, we can beat this guy."
Sadly, before the man could do anything, Big Guy ran up to him and speared his right horn through the man's flesh. Conker stared in disgust as the bull flung the man into a wall and the man's blood ran all through the area where he had landed.
Conker frowned and asked, "Hey, what's the big deal you bastard? Your score is with me!"
"He was wearing red," Big Guy explained a Conker rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile, Tom Tucker in the audience positioned his head next to his taxpayer and said, "I'm going to bet $10000 that the squirrel mascot dies."
The tax payer sighed and said, "That's a good thing, especially if you lose, because that's how much you owe me for getting you a wife."
"What good did that do me?" Tom retorted, "All that got me was a son with an upside-down face."
"Dad, I'm sitting right here," complained Tom's son as Tom laughed nervously and said, "This is awkward."
As Big Guy rushed at the squirrel, Conker ran up to a wall. Everyone thought he would die due to the dead end, but instead, he crouched onto the ground and unleashed his legendary spring jump as the bull rammed into the wall.
Big Guy's horns got stuck in the wall as Conker went behind him, pulled out a frying pan and bashed the spot on his rear end that had a bandaid on it. The bull cried out in pain and turned around, his head fuming with fury.
Lois saw the bull rush at Conker again and shouted, "I can't watch this! There's no wall to support him this time!"
Meanwhile, the other watched and cheered, "Go, bull! Make his blood splatter all over the floor!"
Before that could happen, Conker did yet another spring jump and spun his tail around like a helicopter allowing his to land in front of another wall. Big Guy rushed at the squirrel once more, only this time Conker dodged him and he banged his head against the wall.
Conker saw that the frying pan was useless, so he simply leapt onto the bull's back, grabbed him by the horns and made the big lummox run around aimlessly for 5 minutes.
Big Guy got tired of this, so he angrily kicked the squirrel off of his back and rushed at him. Conker trembled in fear and wined, "This is the end!"
Surprisingly, just before the bull could hit, he breathed heavily and fell to the floor falling asleep two second later.
"I wish I wasn't such a fat bastard," he muttered as he closed his eyes a second time.
Everyone simply stared and didn't say a thing.
Back in the car, Lois hugged the little squirrel and said, "Oh, Conker that was amazing! Where did you learn such skill?"
Conker turned to her and asked, "What? Do you mean the Spinning-Helicopter-Tail Thing or knowing that Big Guy was too overweight to last?"
That was that. Next stop, the Drunken Clam.