I don't know how long I stayed on the floor in Joanne's arms sobbing. I didn't care, either. I was safe with Joanne and that was all that mattered She was sitting on the floor with my head in her lap, brushing my hair out of my face with one hand and rubbing my back with the other. It felt so good to just be there with her. When I finally stopped sobbing I looked up at Joanne sheepishly, biting my bottom lip.
"I'm sorry. It's...it's been a long four months." I said with a sigh, looking away.
"Don't be. We're friends, right. And friends are there for each other." Her hands were warm on my face as she brushed away my tears. I leaned into her touch. Joanne smiled and kissed my forehead.
"Come on, let's get you on the couch. You're freezing. Did you walk here?" She stood and pulled me to my feet.
I nodded as she lead me to the couch. I took my jacket off and tossed it in the chair next to the couch. Joanne grabbed the blanket off the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders. She reached out to me.
"Come here, you're freezing. You should have called me. I would have come to get you." I snuggled up close to her, wrapping my arms around her waste and resting my head on her shoulder.
"I just needed to get out of the loft." I closed my eyes. Joanne was so soft. She pulled me closer and kissed my forehead again.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Her voice was gentle. I couldn't get close enough to her.
"Roger flipped shit. Started blaming me for April's death, calling me a whore, and then he grabbed me. Mark didn't even react until I slapped the bastard." I left it at that. I didn't want to think about leaving Mark.
"You are not a whore." Joanne tightened her grip around my waste. I sighed, biting my lip again.
"Maureen, look at me." Her voice was soft and demanding. I picked my head up off of her shoulder and looked into her big brown eyes. I was instantly lost.
"You are not a whore, you got it?" She sounded so sure of herself, so sure of me. I wanted to believe her.
"Joanne, I've been cheating on Mark for months with guys I don't even know. If I'm not a whore, what the hell am I?" I looked up at her, one eyebrow arched.
She thought about it for a second, tilting her head to one side.
"You're confused. Sometimes it happens. Whore's don't feel bad when they cheat."
She seemed satisfied with her answer and so was I. We sat like that for half an hour in silence, just holding each other. I could feel myself begin to fall asleep, my head snuggling closer to Joanne's chest. Her heartbeat was the most comforting sound in the world.
I don't think she'll ever know how safe I feel in her arms. Everything was perfect as long as I was snuggled up close to Joanne.
"Come on, hun. It's late. You need some sleep." She shifted slowly, pushing me off of her gently. I groaned, scrunching up my face and holding on to her tighter.
"Maureen, come on. There's no way we're both going to fit on this couch."
That woke me up. I jumped to my feet and yawned, stretching. She smirked at me and took my hand, leading me to her bedroom.
"Do you wanna change? That looks uncomfortable." She glanced at the tight pair of jeans and the t-shirt that I was wearing. I still smelled like work.
Her bedroom was small, with two dressers on opposite walls, a bed side table with a lamp and a digital clock, a desk with a laptop, and her bed. The room was dark, drapes pulled over the only window in the room, which was above her desk.
Joanne handed me a pair of baggy sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt with the word 'Harvard' across the chest. Instead of going to the bathroom to change, I changed in front of her. When I turned around Joanne was already in bed. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I feel like I'm in high school. Are we gonna play Truth or Dare, talk about boys and make prank phone calls?" I slid into bed, turning over on my side and looking her in the eye.
"I never really had sleep overs when I was in high school." She looked down and blushed slightly. I didn't believe it.
"Why not, I mean, I know your parents were strict, but come on. A girl's gotta have sleep overs with her friends." I was feeling a thousand times better. Being with Joanne made me forget about all of my problems.
"I didn't have many friends. I was to busy working towards Harvard." Her eyes fell on the word on my chest for a brief second. I shook my head and sprawled out on my back, turning my head to look at her. She did the same.
"Why was Harvard so important?" I was looking her in the eye. She looked sad. I hated seeing that defeated look in her eyes.
"It gave my parents something to be proud of." Joanne's eyes closed slowly and she bit her bottom lip.
I've never wanted to kiss anyone like I wanted to kiss her right then. But I couldn't.
So I put my head on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her waste. Her entire body stiffened for a moment before she relaxed. She smelled like flowers. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly.
"Why would your parents need a reason to be proud of you? You're awesome. The perfect daughter."
She laughed low in her chest, a genuine laugh that I knew I could get used to. My head bounced on her chest, which made me giggle a little.
"I am anything but the perfect daughter." I rolled my eyes before looking up at her.
"Oh, please. You're smart, you're funny, you're extremely polite, you're adorable and you went to Harvard Law School. What could your parents possibly find wrong with you?"
Nothing, that's what's wrong with you. You're perfect, I thought with a sigh. I could feel her hands in my hair, slowly combing her fingers through the messy curls on top of my head.
I think it was calming for both of us. She needed someone to hold and I needed to be held.
"When you're fifteen and you realize you're gay and your entire high school finds out, life gets difficult. Especially when your parents are called out of a very important legal meeting about the possibility of a very important client to pick up their daughter from school because she just got into a fight in the locker room because somebody called her a dyke. Besides, I'm an only child. It just kills my mother that her baby girl isn't going to get married to the perfect man and have perfect kids."
She wasn't looking at me, I know she wasn't. My heart stopped. Joanne was a lesbian. That was the first I had heard of her sexuality. She never really talked about her past relationships. I always just assumed she was straight.
Then again, I always assumed that I was straight. It's amazing what you learn when you meet new people.
I sat up and looked down at her. Her eyes were wide, almost fearful. Like she was afraid that I was going to run away. Her arms slid from my waste. I kept my hand on her stomach.
"You're gay?" My voice was shaking. She bit her lip again. It was going to be the death of me. I had never been attracted to anyone like I was attracted to Joanne. She looked so cute when she was nervous.
"Yeah, I probably should have told you when we first started hanging out. But you seemed really cool and I didn't want to scare you off by telling you I was gay. I understand if it creeps you out or something." She must have been ignoring the fact that I hadn't moved my hand from her stomach.
"Doesn't creep me out." I curled up against her again.
"It doesn't?" Joanne asked, her voice soft. I smiled and pulled her closer to me. I never wanted to let her go.
"No, it doesn't. Not at all." I felt her relax.
"I think you're the first straight girl that hasn't been creped out by my being gay." Her hand was rubbing my back gently.
"I don't know about that." I said softly, my eyes on my hand on Joanne's stomach.
"But you just said that..."
"I know. I'm not creped out. But I'm not exactly sure if I'm straight." Her hand stilled on my back.
"What do you mean?" I sat up again, pushing my hair back out of my face.
"Ummm, I like you. A lot." She didn't need to know that I had been in love with her for months.
Her eyes lit up. "You like me?" She seemed shocked.
"Yes. And it's been driving me completely insane for months." I pulled my knees to my chest and looked at her. She sat up and hugged her pillow to her chest.
"Now I feel like I'm in high school." Joanne said with a laugh.
I tilted my head to the side and gave her a confused look.
"Maureen, I've been gay all of my life. It's always been hard for me. I can't just walk up to a woman and say 'Hey, I'm Joanne. I think you're hot. Wanna go out?'. It doesn't work that way. And when I was in high school, I had a crush on one of my close friends. When she came over one night we ended up kissing. Two days later she had told everyone that I was gay and that I had talked her into letting me kiss her. I ended up being the local dyke. I've known a lot of women who think they might be gay. It always ends badly. So if you think you..."
"NO! I'm not like other women. I'm Maureen. And I really really really like you. But if you don't wanna..."
"I do. I really do. But I don't want to get hurt again." She looked so small, so hurt, so innocent sitting there curled up around her pillow.
I sprawled back out and reached out to her. She just looked at me.
"Come here. I'm not going to hurt you." I smiled at her.
"Maureen,..."
"Trust me, Joanne. We don't have to do anything. But we're friends. And you're warm. And I'm cold. Conserve heat." I smiled devilishly at her.
She slid across the bed and into my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. My arms slipped around her waste and rested on her back. One of her arms found it's way around my back and her other hand was resting on my stomach.
"Can we go slow?" Her soft, questioning voice made me smile.
"Joanne, we don't have to do anything. I understand that you don't wanna get hurt again..."
And then she kissed me. I almost whimpered. Her lips were soft and warm against mine. I felt like I could live forever.
Seconds later she pulled away and rested her head back on my shoulder.
"Creped out yet?" She asked, humor in her voice.
"No, definitely not creped out. Slightly turned on, yes. Creped out, no." She sighed. I pulled her closer, kissing her forehead.
I don't know when I fell asleep, but I do know that it was the best night's sleep I'd gotten in months.