Joanne and I walked into the building, still holding hands. I felt strange being there with Joanne. In all the time that we'd known each other, she'd' never been to the loft. I always met her places when we would go out. Or we would hang out at her place. I didn't want her to see where I lived.
We met Benny outside my new apartment
"Hey Momo, who's your friend?" He asked, looking Joanne up and down.
"Joanne Jefferson. I'm an old friend of Momo's." I fought to hide a smile. She was never going to let me forget about that.
"Are you two going to be living together?" I didn't like the way he was looking at her.
"No, she won't. She has her own place. It's just me." I gave him a half smile. I didn't really like him, but he was helping all of us out a lot.
"Here's your key. There's a couch and a bed in there already. If you have any problems, let me know. Although, I doubt I'll do anything about it." He was being sarcastic, attempting to be funny.
It was almost sad. Benny could never just be himself. He would try and act 'too cool', like Roger, being lout and uncaring and rude. Of course, nobody can stand it when Roger acts that way either. Then Benny would try and be sweet and lovable like Collins. Everyone thought that he wanted something.
By the time he met Allyson he had no idea who he was. He had become a chameleon, a mirror almost. Just reflecting what everyone around him felt. I guess he and I are alike that way.
Never letting anyone see who we truly are, always acting like everyone expects. That's probably why I'm so hard on Benny most of the time. I feel like he sold out. Now that he's married, he's not the same old Benny that I knew. He acted like a complete jackass.
Then again, I always seemed like a complete bitch. Guess I'm a hypocrite.
"Should we go get your stuff?" I turned and looked at Joanne. Her eyes were wide. She seemed almost afraid to be here.
"Nah, I wanna check this place out first." I said, sliding the key into the lock. I pulled the door open and stepped into my new apartment.
"I don't like it." Joanne said as she walked in behind me. I rolled my eyes and turned to look at her.
She seemed so out of place standing there, her arms crossed over her chest in distaste. She looked like a lawyer visiting her drug addicted client, who she just caught shooting up.
I wondered for a second if our relationship was going to work. If Joanne couldn't understand that this was me, that I didn't need a nine to five job and lots of money to be happy, then maybe it wouldn't work.
Pushing away all of my fears I reached out to her. "Come on, Jo. This place is great. You haven't even given it a chance." I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout, taking her hands in mine.
"Fine." She huffed, rolling her eyes.
That was the first time I used my pout to get my own way against Joanne. I didn't realize that I had done it until later that night, sprawled out on the thin ghost of a mattress that Benny had called a bed.
I hadn't done it on purpose, it just happened. I was used to using it against Mark to get my way. He always fell for the pout. I didn't want that from Joanne. I wanted this to be different. This had to be different.
The apartment was about half the size of the loft and just about as run down. It was pretty much a big open space, the living room and kitchen together in one big room. The single bedroom was off to the right, with no door, the bathroom to the left, thankfully with a door.
I went there first, hoping that it didn't look the same as the bathroom in Mark's loft. It wasn't. The walls were cleaner, no small spots where the blood just wouldn't come out, and there was a mirror above the sink.
I turned to look at Joanne, smiling. She was standing in the middle of the apartment, hands on her hips.
"I like it." I said, walking to her and slipping my arms around her waste.
"I guess it's okay." She mumbled, leaning back against me.
"I'm gonna go upstairs and get my stuff. Do you want to come with me?" I placed a small kiss on the back of her neck. She sighed softly.
"The sooner we get you out of that apartment, the better." The look in her eyes was playful.
"Well then, let's go." I took her by the hand and lead her out of the apartment and up to the loft.
My stomach was rolling over itself and my pulse was racing. I felt like I was walking directly into hell. I didn't know what to expect.
Would Roger be sitting by the window with his guitar? Would Mark be out filming? Would Mark even be out of bed? Would they be fighting? Would Roger be high?
I didn't want Joanne to have to see what was most likely happening in the loft.
"You might want to stay out here. I don't know what might be happening in there." I said, turning to look at her.
"No, we're doing this together." She said, leaning her head on my shoulder for a second.
"Okay, but I'm warning you, it won't be pretty." I pulled the door to the loft open and stepped inside slowly. Mark was on the couch, his camera in his lap. He looked like he hadn't slept all night.
"Maureen, you scared the hell out of me. You can't just run out of here like that. I was worried." In an instant Mark was on his feet, pulling me into a hug. He reeked of alcohol.
"Mark, get off of me." I pushed him off of me, shuddering. He stumbled backwards, barely able to stand up on his own.
"You have nothing to worry about. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself." I walked around him to the kitchen, grabbing my only glass and handing it to Joanne as I walked passed her. Mark reached out and grabbed my arm gently.
"Don't touch me, Mark." I pulled away from him, walking off to the bedroom.
"But you're my girlfriend." Mark sounded confused. He could be so dense when he was drunk.
"I'm not your girlfriend, Mark. We made it official last night, but we haven't been together in a long time." I stood in the bedroom door, my duffle bag in one hand and a pair of my leather pants in other.
"Maureen, I love you." I rolled my eyes.
"No, you don't. You love being in love. You love having a reason to live. You love playing the martyr. I'm sorry Mark. It's done, it's been done, it's going to stay done." I stuffed my pants in the bag, turning on my heels and walking back into the bedroom.
I don't think he even noticed Joanne standing there.
"Come on, Maureen, we can talk about this." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"There's nothing to talk about, okay! I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. This relationship wasn't working. I'm sorry to be such a bitch, but you just aren't listening." I turned and looked him in the eye.
"Maureen, please, we can work this out. Can't we just talk about this?" He took a step closer to me.
"MARK! You need to listen to me. We are no longer a 'we'. I'm moving out." His eyes searched mine for a moment before my words finally worked their way through the haze of alcohol that fogged his brain.
"Fuck you, Maureen. Go to hell." I heard him stomp across the loft and then the door slammed.
"DAMN IT!" I threw more clothes into my bag.
"I try to make this easy on both of us, I try to be nice and let him down gently. But no. Everything has to be a fucking fight." I stopped packing for a second ant took a deep breath, one hand on my hip and the other on my forehead.
"Maureen?" I turned and smiled at Joanne.
"Hey baby." I said with a small smile. She walked over to me and slipped her arms around my waste.
"You okay?" Her voice was gentle in my ear. I smiled and leaned my head back on her shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I gave her a small peck before pulling out of her arms and continued packing.
"You sure?" She took a pair of my jeans and folded them neatly before putting them in my bag. I stuffed a handful of mix matched socks in after her.
"Is that all you have?" She looked around the bedroom.
"All the clothes I have, yeah." I started looking through the bedside table.
"Guess I don't need these." I said with a laugh, pushing the condoms aside. I took my empty wallet, grabbed the one tube of lip gloss I owned and stuffed them in the bag with my clothes. I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked out, Joanne following.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I turned and saw Roger walking out of his room.
"Joanne, can you take this down stairs for me? I just wanna make sure I've got all of my stuff." I said, handing my bag to her.
"Sure. Do you want me to start unpacking for you?" She asked, putting the bag over her shoulder. She glanced at Roger and then back to me.
"Nah, I don't have that much to unpack. I won't be long." I gave her a quick kiss before she walked out, blushing.
"So what, you're a dyke now?" Roger asked crudely as I walked to the bathroom to get what little make up I owned.
"Fuck you, Roger. No, I'm not a dyke." I put my lipstick in my pocket.
"But your fucking that girl? Is she the one you've been cheating on Mark with?" I hated Roger. I knew he was still angry about the night before. So was I.
"I'm not sleeping with her and I didn't cheat on Mark with her. Go to hell." I turned to walk out.
"It wasn't enough for you to sleep with a bunch of guys, was it?" Roger said with a sadistic laugh. I turned on my heels slowly, my eyes on fire.
"What?" It came out as a low growl.
"You're all over women now. I guess men just weren't good enough for you, huh? Get bored?" He was smiling at me now, leaning back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.
"Fuck you, Roger." I stalked out of the loft and made my way down the stairs to my apartment hurriedly. I tripped down the last three stairs and twisted my ankle.
"FUCK!" I yelled, hobbling into the apartment.
"Are you okay?" Joanne asked, jumping up off the couch.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just...owww, this really fucking hurts." I complained, dropping onto the couch, rubbing my ankle.
"Awwww, come here." Joanne said, sitting next to me and putting an arm around my shoulders.
"Don't, Joanne. I'm fine." I said, pulling away from her.
"Maureen?" Her brow knitted together in confusion.
"What the fuck are we doing, Joanne? Who do we think we're kidding?" My voice sounded angry, harsh, as though I was accusing her of something.
"What?" Her voice was soft, scared.
"We're too different, Joanne. This is not going to work. We can't be together."
'I don't mean any of this. Please know that I don't mean any of this.' I begged silently. Her eyes met mine in a flash of anger.
"What are you saying, Maureen?" Her voice was suddenly confident, filling the small apartment.
"I think we're going to fast. I'm not ready for a relationship."
'I love you. I only want you. Please, don't leave me.'
I don't know why I couldn't tell her what I was really thinking, really feeling.
"Fine. I should have known this wasn't going to work anyway. You're not the relationship type." And then she was gone, stalking out of my apartment and out of my life.
I've never been good with my emotions. I don't like letting people see the real me. It gives them to much of a chance to hurt me. I thought I was ready to let somebody in. I wanted Joanne to be that somebody.
But what if Roger was right? Maybe I was just getting bored with guys and I was using Joanne as a distraction.
I didn't want to hurt Joanne. She meant to much to me.
The echo of her doc martin's faded slowly as she made her way down the stairs and out of the building. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried, alone again.