A/N: This is for Gala Dee and J, who love this fic even more than I do. You're my girls and I love ya!
When I woke the next morning I realized that I was still wearing Joanne's shirt. My eyes hurt. I had cried myself to sleep curled up around a pillow, wishing it had been Joanne. I was already used to sleeping next to her.
I felt like hell. Nothing made sense anymore. My entire world had been turned upside down.
As I made my way across my apartment in my bare feet I shivered against the cold. I never thought I was going to be warm again.
I didn't want to ever have to leave my apartment. The outside world hurt too damn much. It was easier to just curl up on my couch and ignore the fact that other people existed. But nothing I ever did was easy.
I had to work. I had to at least pay the rent. I didn't really need electricity, and I had grown accustomed to a cold shower in the mornings. It helped wake me up.
I wasn't sleeping anymore. I would just lay in bed and wish that Joanne was with me. The dark circles under my eyes were getting harder and harder to hide with make up. Finally I just stopped trying. It wasn't as though I had anyone to impress.
I was still working at the café, although I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand working in the place where I first met Joanne. And on top of that, my slime ball manager kept trying to get me to sleep with him. The bastard made me sick, really.
As I charged into the café one Wednesday, late for the fourth time in two weeks, I knew he was going to have something to say.
"You're late again, Maureen." He was standing behind me, breathing on my neck.
"I know, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again." I slid away from him slowly, trying to act as though he didn't disgust me.
"That's what you said last time. Is everything okay at home?" He was trying to seem concerned. I knew he wasn't.
"Everything's fine, really. I just split up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago and I moved into my own apartment. I'm just trying to get used to living on my own."
I regretted the words the second they left my mouth. It sounded like an invitation for him to hit on me. His arms slipped around my waist and he pulled me back against him.
"If you need something, anything, feel free to ask. I'm always here for you." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep calm.
"Well, there is something you can do for me." I said softly, turning in his arms. He leaned in to kiss me.
"You can go to hell." My knee made contact with his groin an instant later and I was walking out of the café.
"Maureen!" He yelled after me angrily.
"I quit!" I replied, not looking back.
One more thing to add to the 'Reasons Why Maureen Should Never Leave Her Apartment Again' list.
Now I had no way to pay the fucking rent. It made me want to find April's old drug dealer and forget all of my problems.
I made my way through the streets of Alphabet City in a fog, lost in my own thoughts.
It was Wednesday. Usually I would be looking forward to going out with Joanne. But of course I had to go and fuck that up.
I shivered against the wind. My entire body felt like ice. My eyes closed slowly and I took a deep breath. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let myself. Crying didn't solve anything. It just made your eyes swell and your make up run.
I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt someone bump into my shoulder. The next thing I knew I was on my ass on the cold cement.
"Damn, are you...alright?" I held my breath, hoping against hope that I was imagining Joanne standing in front of me. When I opened my eyes she was kneeling next to me, concern written all over her face.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I scrambled to my feet and brushed myself off, avoiding her eyes.
"Are you sure?" I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to know that she was doing better than I was.
"Of course. I'm fine, Joanne. I promise." Finally I looked at her, flashing her an over confident grin.
She looked good, dressed in her lawyer attire. Black, form fitting dress pants, a white dress shirt, a tie, suspenders, her stiletto doc martins, and a long black trench coat.
I could just imagine grabbing her by that tie around her neck and pulling her in for a kiss. Her eyes searched mine for a moment.
"How have you been?" She asked nervously. I noticed that she was attempting to carry about five different folders in each hand. I don't know how she didn't drop any of them when we bumped into each other.
"I've been...okay. How about you?" I asked, taking some of the files from her and walking with her towards her law firm.
"I've been good. Working a lot." She emphasized her point by nodding down at the files in her hand. I nodded silently.
We continued to walk next to each other, an uneasy silence hanging between us.
"Your shirt!" I stopped and turned to look at her.
"What?" She gave me a confused look.
"Your Harvard shirt. I still have it. I completely forgot about it."
That was a lie, really. I had worn the shirt to bed every night for the past two weeks. She nodded with a small hint of what I hoped was disappointment.
"Yeah. I forgot you had it. I don't wear it that much so I haven't really been looking for it." She seemed so in control of her emotions, so logical and rational.
"I can bring it by tonight if you want. I mean, if you aren't doing anything." It was my way of finding out if she was seeing anyone. She smiled slightly.
"Nothing planned. You don't have to bring it by if you don't want to." For a small second she looked like the vulnerable little girl that I had held in my arms a few weeks ago.
"No, it's okay. Really." I smiled softly. She smiled back.
"Well, I should get to the office. I'll see you around seven thirty?" She took her files back slowly, our hands brushing together for a brief second.
"Sounds great." We stood there for a few seconds, just looking at each other. I could feel my heart racing.
"I'll see you then." She turned and walked off, leaving me to stand there watching her walk away.
I practically floated back to my apartment. I couldn't believe that Joanne was talking to me again I wasn't sure if she wanted to try a relationship, but maybe we could be friends. Even that would be great. I just wanted to be around Joanne again. I felt alive. I've never felt that way before. Nobody could make me smile like Joanne.
When I finally got home I made my way up the stairs to my apartment slowly. I didn't want to be there alone. I thought for a few seconds standing outside my apartment, looking from my door up the stairs to the loft.
I don't know what I thought talking to Mark would accomplish, but before I could stop myself I was standing outside the loft, ready to knock. I hesitated, wondering what I was going to say to Mark.
"Don't just stand there. Either open the door or get out of the way." I turned to see Mark standing behind me, his bike on his shoulder and his camera in his hand.
Without another thought I pulled the door open and walked inside, moving out of the way so that he could get inside.
The sounds of Musetta's Waltz echoed hauntingly from behind the closed door of Roger's bedroom.
Mark set his bike down in the corner and sat on the couch with his camera. I stood by the door, unsure of what to do.
"What do you want, Maureen?" He wouldn't look at me.
"I thought maybe we could talk." I said quietly. He laughed softly.
"Talk about what, Maureen? You left, you didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. What could you possibly want to talk about?" I closed my eyes and took a step farther into the loft.
"Mark, we were friends before we started dating. We used to talk without getting angry or having sex. Why can't we just talk?" I walked across the loft and stood in front of him. He sighed and looked up at me sadly.
"Because you cheated." Mark said simply. I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up in frustration.
"Before that. Don't you remember when we were in high school and we would hang out all night just talking?" I sat on the couch next to him, curling my legs up underneath my body.
"Yeah, I remember." He said, setting his camera aside. I was shocked for a brief moment. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Mark set his camera aside.
"What happened to us? We used to be such good friends." I put my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes. He put his arm around my shoulders gently.
"We started dating. And then everything got crazy." Mark answered, brushing my hair back out of my face. He was so warm, so familiar. I felt almost safe.
"Is that what you wanted to talk about? The way things used to be?" Mark's voice was gentle in my ear. I sighed deeply.
"Where did we go wrong? Everyone thought that we were going to get married right out of high school and have about a thousand kids." I laughed softly. Oh how things change.
"We came to the city with Roger, we both got wrapped up in our own lives, then Roger met April and everything got all fucked up. And then I started ignoring you." He sounded sad.
"Well I was going to every audition in an attempt to be 'discovered'." Our relationship wasn't Marks fault.
"I should have payed more attention to you." He rested his cheek on the top of my head and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I sighed and lifted my head off his shoulder.
"Look, Mark..."
"Do you think maybe we can try again?" He looked so desperate, his blue eyes big and full of hope. I closed my eyes again and bit my bottom lip nervously. I didn't want to hurt him. I don't know why he couldn't understand that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. It was hard for me too.
My eyes pleaded with his, begging him to move on.
"Mark, please..."
His lips were on mine before I could stop him. My hands were immediately on his chest, pushing him away from me.
"Come on, Mark. Cut it out. I don't want to be with you." I jumped to my feet and paced the loft, my arms crossed over my chest.
"What the hell, Maureen?" Mark said angrily, running his fingers through his short blond hair, shaking his head. I just looked at him.
"You cheat on my for months, refusing to let me touch you at all. Then you move out because you decide that you don't love me anymore. Two weeks later you show up at my door and act all cuddly and start asking questions about how we ended up here. What the fuck do you want from me, damn it?" Mark yelled, moving to his feet.
"I want you to be my friend! My friend, Mark! We've always been friends. Why can't we be friends now?" I was upset now, once again on the verge of tears.
"Because I love you!" He yelled at me, taking a step closer.
"Well I love someone else!" I yelled back, swallowing my tears. I wouldn't cry in front of him. Not now and not ever again.
"Who?" His eyes burned into mine.
"Please, Mark. Let's just drop it, okay?" I didn't want to tell him. He didn't need to know.
"Who, Maureen?" I sighed, preparing myself for his reaction.
"Joanne." The loft seemed to echo silence. Roger even stopped playing and was most likely listening at his bedroom door.
"What?" Mark's voice was low, angry.
"I'm sorry. I fell in love with Joanne." My confession was once again met with deafening silence.
Finally Mark uttered the two words that I had longed to hear only months ago.
"Get out." He forced out between clenched teeth.
"I really am sorry." I met his eyes slowly.
"You think that means a damn thing? You left me for another woman and all you can say is 'I'm Sorry'. Just get the fuck out Maureen."
I nodded, turned, and walked out. I ran down the stairs to my apartment and slammed the door. A copy of 'The Village Voice' was on the floor. I skimmed it, using it as a distraction to keep my mind off of my problems. I screamed when I read the latest news.
"That bastard." I muttered, dropping the paper on the floor and walking to my room in search of a sheet of paper and a pen.
Benny was closing down the Eleventh Street lot. MY Eleventh Street lot.
Ok, so it wasn't exactly my lot, but I had so many memories there.
I had done so many protests there, fighting for what I believed in, what I thought was right.
After finally finding a piece of paper and a pen I sat on the couch and started my latest protest. Benny was never going to forget this protest.
My mind welcomed the distraction. The only thing that mattered, at least for a few hours, was just me and my creativity.