Title: That Damned Happiness Clause (34?)

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Setting: Post Somnambulist. Keep in mind that I am a strong believer in the fact that one little thing can change the course of history, hence cannon gets meddled with because life took a different path my cannon is not Joss'.

Warnings: mega angst.

Recap: Angel just killed Penn Doyle found out about Xander's rape and Halfrek just turned up in Xander and Spike's hotel room.

Doyle felt ill as he pushed the door open. He didn't like this place; had seen far too much of it during his stint as a stupid, down-and-out drunk. He had made a real effort to never come back but here he was. "For Angel," his mind reminded him, "this is all for Angel. Yer mate, lover, world. Don't be such a fucking coward."

Spotting a girl he knew from his previous life he smiled bravely. "Hello there!" he called with false cheer. His knees felt weak. Everything in him wanted to run out of the building and never return. He was beyond the time in his life where being in the place was right. He didn't belong there anymore. He felt like a dog who had been badly abused, then loved, and then given back to his old owners: he was unsure of whether or not he would get kicked again. Angel had forced his to move up in the world. And now here he was at the bottom.

"Hey, Doyle! Long time. Did someone bring you in?" she looked behind him to see if he was being held but quickly realized that he wasn't cuffed.

"I wasn' arrested," he said softly looking at the police officer, "I'm not drunk. 'M not here to sleep it off in the tank."

Unsure of what to say to the seemingly sober man the young officer said, "So can I help you with something?"

"Actually I'm looking for Kate Lockley. I need a word wit' her."

The woman flinched at the slightly frightening edge to his voice. "Perhaps, if it's personal it would be better to see her after work?"

Sighing he said, "Ye may be right. But see, I just worked up the courage t' come here. So I don' really wanna leave now."

"She can be like that," said the woman with a slight smile. "Well, she's out right now but should be back in about ten minutes. Her desk is right over there," she pointed to a cluttered desk, "if you'd like to wait."

Halfrek was wearing next to nothing and even Xander had to admit she was stunning. But Spike was less than speechless. "What the in the name of bloody hell are you doing here?"

"Hello, William!" she said happily. "I thought now would be a good time to catch up. I mean, while you're away from that frightening sire of yours. After all, he is the reason we had to break up."

"Shut up, Halfrek, and leave," Xander was feeling desperate as he knew what she was about to reveal and it wasn't good.

"What do you mean?" asked Spike slowly.

She laughed softly, "I don't know if you remember, but at a party one night I told you that you were, "beneath me"." Spike laughed dryly, softly; she had no idea how well he remembered. "Angelus told me to say it. I was so frightened, William, I would have done anything just to stay alive. I hope you can forgive me," she laughed again, "I'm sure you don't even remember it. But it's always stayed with me: because I loved you."

Spike sat silently staring at her and Xander spoke softly, "Cecily? Will you grant me a wish?" The demon studied him for a moment and nodded. "Really? You'll give me a wish? Ya promise?" she nodded again hoping that he would word it badly and she could find a loop hole to take Spike away from him, or maybe just the baby.

"Xander, this is a bad idea," said Spike flatly, still a thousand miles away because of her announcement.

But having made the binding verbal contract Xander said, "I wish that (after this wish) you, Halfrek, could never be able to grant another wish that would result in any negative consequences. Were someone to get so much as a hangnail because of the wish it would be null and void. That's what I wish."

Spike looked up with something akin to awe on his face. And Halfrek just gapped. "You did say you would," Spike said to the girl.

"You don't know what you're asking," she said in a stunned voice.

"Yes I do, I'm wishing for you to become powerless." He smiled a cold smile, "Now do it."

Her face morphed even as she sulked and a deep, inhuman voice came from her, "Wish granted."

As her face settled back Xander smiled, "Now leave."

Smirking triumphantly she said, "I can't, I'm sure that someone would suffer indirectly from it!"

"There's a door right there! Fuck off." Xander watched her sulk out and then turned to Spike, "Honey?"

"You knew," Spike said softly, "you fucking knew."

"Doyle? Good, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk," said Kate as she caught sight of the Irish man.

"Yes, we do," he agreed. "So, ye found out his secret."

"You knew?" She looked around to be sure that no one was listening, "He's a vampire."

"Yes, and one o' the good guys. He's at the front o' a war here, Kate, don't let yer personal views cloud yer judgment."

"So what you're telling me to give him a chance?" she laughed sarcastically. "He's fucking evil. You should kill him."

"No, 'm not. I'm tellin' ye to stay away from 'im. Ye don't understand what ye saw, an' ye never will. So just stay away. Ye need help wit somethin' feel free t' come see us. But don't make this a war."

"Are you threatening me?" she asked coldly.

"No," he shook his head slowly, "I'm protecting me family."

"Family?" she almost laughed.

"What upset ye more, detective? That ye realized he wasn' human or that ye realized he was gay? He must have held that boy. Killin' his own childer must have been awful. Di' he cry on the boy? Tell him that he loved 'im? Ye haven't the haziest of ideas as to what ye witnessed tonight." He got up to leave, having mad his statement.

"And how do you know what I do or don't understand?" she said, angry that he would be so presumptuous.

He let his face slide into their natural planes and watched her through red eyes. "Ye know, I was like you. I grew up surrounded by people who taught me tha' demons were all wicked, vile creatures. I didn' know what I was, I was just a good human. I taught children fer chrissakes! I was a good, god fearing Catholic. An' ye know what I did when I found out I was a demon?" she shook her head, unable to look away from his face. "I wept. And then I drank. I lost over a year o' me life, hating meself. Because I was as ignorant and blind as ye. I couldn' go t' church anymore as I was a demon and God hated me. I couldn't go back to the school because I realized I was evil and shouldn' touch children for fear they caught it. The firs' person to ever not flinch when they saw me with this face? Angel. And the really interes'in' part? Angel hasn' judged anyone recently without knowing the whole story. He hasn't written off anyone and told their lover to kill them. Vampires? Inherently evil, and yet Angel has been less evil and condemnatory than the good human cop. Angel saved lives tonight. And is now sitting at home sick with grief and guilt. Stay away from us."

He turned away from her and stalked out of the precinct while still wearing his true face. And as he left he waved to Jane Davis, a detox cop. Kate saw the exchange and walked over, "Davis?"

"Yes, Detective?"

"You know him?"

"He used to be one of our fairly regular drunks. But he was also a third grade teacher, he taught my youngest sister. Good guy. It's nice to see him on his feet."

"Yeah," Kate agreed cagily. "He works for that detective I work with sometimes."

"Really? He would be good at that. He's a really calming, unassuming, nice guy. Always great with the kids or frightened people. But, there was always something about him that made it so that you knew that you shouldn't cross him. Something that made you feel safe about leaving your kids with him: like he'd do anything to protect them."

"But, Well," Kate laughed as though she regretted bringing it up, "What about his face. . . thing?"

"Oh, I think," said Jane slowly, "That's some sort of rash or hives he gets when he's agitated. It used to break out sometimes but, it's not as though it changes him."

"I'm sorry," said Xander ashamedly.

"For what?" asked Spike sounding genuinely interested. "For lying or for me finding out?"

"For you finding out," said Xander honestly. "I couldn't change the past. I couldn't undo the badness. But I didn't want to hurt you anymore."

Spike nodded slowly. His guilt at not telling Xander that he knew that Angel had killed Mr. Harris lessened. "Thank you, for trying to protect me."

Xander smiled as he realized that Spike wasn't angry. "Sometimes," he said softly, "I wish I could turn back time and stop him from threatening her. Could kill him before he ever saw you. I wish I could give you that life back. Because when you fight with Angel you have this fatalistic look in your eyes, as though it doesn't matter. Like you wish you had died back then. And I would give anything to make that look go away, because you can seem so small at times." Spike sat silently staring at him. And Xander took the silence to mean that Spike didn't believe him, "I'd be miserable; don't get me wrong. I could do it but it would kill me. But I would do it without thinking. You could die of consumption, or maybe it would have burned itself out and you could have had kids, or been published, I donno. You wouldn't have had to have dealt with Angelus, or Darla, or Penn and in known that I would think it was worth it."

"Wow," Spike said softly, "No one's ever being willing to let me go. Some people have kicked me out but no one's ever been like that," he looked up at Xander with pure shock in his eyes. "Don't ever do that, if you get that chance, don't turn back time."

Xander smiled thinking that Spike was just comforting him, knowing that the chance would never come up. "It's ok, I know that you had to go through horrible things. I'm not upset that you might have preferred death to me."

"I's not like that," Spike shook his head as he tried to organize his thoughts out loud. "A few hours ago I would have been lying. Now I'm not." He pulled Xander across the bed to him. "You made it worth it."

"'Cause of the baby?" hazarded Xander.

"No, the baby's lovely, but no. If I had known that night that someday I could be here I wouldn't even have gone to the party. I would have gone straight to Angelus and let him turn me. Nothing matters if I get you. Penn could have beaten me for three hundred years and I would have thanked him if I had known about this ending."

"But you said a "few hours ago"? What changed?"

Spike shrugged, "You'd let me go."

"But she loved you," said Xander feeling so confused and willing himself to understand.

"She let me die."

"She was scared. Angelus is scary."

"Yeah, but what did you say when you first met Angelus? Did you say, "Please, spare me kill my fiancée?" Did you?"

"No, but it was different, my friend was the slayer."

"We were the Victorians! Even the jaded among us carried talismans. She knew what he was and she never stood up for me. C'mon, Xand, think what was the first thing you said to Angelus?"

"I shoved a cross in his face, grabbed Willow away from him and ran."

Spike smirked and ran his fingers through Xander's shaggy hair, "After that?"

"I called him overbite, threw a jacket over him, punched him in the head, and kneed him in the face twice."

Spike pulled the boy down for a slow, loving kiss and pulled back again, "After that?"

"I told him that he was gonna die and I was gonna be there when it happened."

"Yeah, I know you did."

"Do you have a file with it written in?" asked Xander gently mocking the fact that his lover had researched him.

"No, Angelus told me. You scared him, too unpredictable, too willing to save everyone by dying. I repeatedly had to talk him out of going for you, had to keep repointing him towards Buffy. You're amazing, baby. She let me die, it doesn't matter if I could go back, she would never be who I wanted. You're brave, and good, love you."

Xander laughed, nervous about what Spike might say next, "Not brave, I was scared shitless, hell even Halfrek scares me. I'm a coward."

"If you aren't frightened you're an idiot. Those firemen who run into burning buildings thinking that everything will be ok aren't brave, they're idiots. You're only brave when you're scared. Like Frodo he was scared and he didn't want to do it, that's what makes him brave, he did it."

"Baggins? The hobbit?"

"I'm trying to relate on your dorky level." The vampire shook his head, "Work with me, Xan."

"Love you," said Xander as he rested his head on Spike's shoulder.

Spike glanced at his watch, "We have to leave for the restaurant in an hour and a half, come take a nice bath with me?"