Plans
Elvish:
Ada: Father
Naneth: Mother
Author's Note: I wanted to give a special thank you to all my reviewers especially G.A. Clive for sending me four messages! I'm not going to have an author's not at the end for reasons you'll see, at the end… there's something special there I don't want to disturb. Okay, well yeah… I'm sorry for the delay in this but because of the special thing I wanted to get it just right so it took a little longer than I would have liked. As always feedback of all kind warmly welcome. Until Next Time!
Fiery Mango
Elrohir, son of Elrond, twin to Elladan, slayer of orcs, wargs, the forces of evil, etc. etc… was not amused. The reason he was not amused; a certain Legolas, son of Thranduil, slayer of giant spiders, corsets, horrid plan maker extraordinaire.
"Oh come on, 'Ro, you know it could work…" The wood elf was practically bouncing up and down in his seat.
"Well… it could… if it is what I think it is… but why would you want it to… I still do not get the point…"
Aragorn looked incredibly confused. "I still do not get the plan…"
"Fine, I shall explain it one more time…"
"Mmmfrylip."
"Your welcome. Alright. Well, Frenit wants to have children with me."
Three nods.
"And I want him to stop wanting to have children with me."
Three more nods.
"He can not want to have children with me if he is already having children with me. So, we are going to make it so he 'is' having children with me, that way the children he wants to have with me have already been made and we do not have to go through the process of making said children he wants to have with me."
…
"We are going to pretend I am pregnant."
"EWWWW!"
"LEGOLAS!"
"MPHFRIGIG…"
"Dan's right, that is wrong on so many different levels." Aragorn made a face.
"Well it is better than him trying to impregnate me." The prince crossed his arms and leaned against the headboard.
Elrohir grinned. "You do know we will be teasing you with this for centuries…"
"Well, I do not see you coming up with anything."
"You did not ask us." he narrowed his eyes. "And I do happen to have an idea, you did not ask for it, so I did not state it."
"… I am sorry… what is your idea?"
"Well, you have a head injury… and what happens to people who get head injuries?"
Aragorn seemed to be catching on. "They… get … headaches!"
"No."
"They… get… sore…"
"No."
"They… get… hormonal…"
"DILUSIONAL! THEY GET DELUSIONAL!"
"Oh…"
"Oh, I see what you are saying. If Frenit tries something I can just act like I do not understand and my head is bothering me so he will leave me be."
"Mmmfili, Meruuuu… Murda… Mphirre, Mlyriff."
"If, Ada finds out he will not be mad, do not worry, Elladan, everything will be fine."
At that exact moment Elrond and Frenit happened to walk into the room.
"Oh, my darling! You're awake! I am so glad to see that you are alright! I hope that you are back in your head."
"I am sure she will be fine, now you two best be off to bed." Elrond smiled gently. "And you, my dear, should be off to the servant's chambers, and you two." The smile melted into a face that could have burned the skin off of Sauron himself. "In my office. NOW."
Legolas got to his feet. "Off to bed we go!" He smiled stupidly and began to walk but was soon stopped as Frenit lifted him up and carried him out. He looked helplessly over the man's shoulder mouthing 'Help me!' as the elves and ranger winced.
When they arrived at the bed chamber he had not moved from Frenit's arms. Much to his horror the king carried him down and set him on the bed before closing and locking the door.
The room was dark now, lit by tens of candles arranged neatly around the doors and bed and smelled vaguely like the oils from before. The balcony was open, giving a beautiful view of the waters of Rivendell, reflecting a full moon and stars.
Legolas blanched and quickly snuggled under the covers tucking them up around himself as a sort of wall.
"Well my dear…" Frenit smiled that mischievous smile that made the prince want to rip off his lips. "We are finally alone… and Lord Elrond said to relax you…" He pulled of his shirt. "How about…" Then the pants. "Another massage." Finally the socks leaving only the king standing in his underwear.
"Err… no thank you I am feeling quite alright."
"Oh?" He had shut his eyes once the pants were on the floor but Legolas could hear and feel Frenit climbing in next to him.
"Yes, really I think I would just like to sleep…"
"Oh? Say, is that a new gown?" An arm snaked around his waist.
"Yes… this gown is of lovely Elvish make… it is comfortable… and soft… and cool… and… pretty…"
"Usually you like my massages… are you sure you are well? How do you feel?" He felt kisses being placed along his neck.
That was it, desperate times called for desperate measures… Legolas combed his mind for something crazy. He was having a hard time until something clicked. An old song his Naneth used to sing to make him laugh. He took a deep breath and began to sing.
"I… feel… pretty…"
"What?"
"Oh… so… pretty…"
"Sweetie are you feeling alright?"
"I feel pretty and witty and GAY! And I pity… any girl who isn't me today!" He smiled it was working, the hand came off… he began to sing louder and faster getting out of bed and twirling around and around the room, giggling like mad, singing louder and faster.
"I feel charming! Oh so charming!"
"Darling…"
"It's alarming, how charming, I feel!"
"Maybe you should sit down…"
"And so pretty… that I hardly can believe, I'm real!"
His twirling took them onto the balcony. He did anything and everything he had ever seen any woman do, dancing. He leaped into the air, the kicked his legs, he moved his arms, he played with his skirts, he even added a back flip for good measure. All the while repeating those two verses until he could remember the next. Frenit had taken a seat on a stone bench and looked on confused as he started the new singing.
"Who's that pretty girl that mirror there?"
Frenit furrowed his brow and looked around. "What mirror… where?"
"Who could that attractive girl be?"
"Who… what? Where…. Huh?"
"Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me! SUCH A PRETTY ME!" He had to wrap this up Frenit looked half amused and half worried, also he was getting tired and his head was starting to ache. So he added a few more flips before facing the waterfront of Rivendell and Frenit and belting out a finishing verse.
"I FEEL PRETTY!... AND WITTY! AND GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" He finished with a flourishing curtsey before skipping back into the chambers and cuddling down under the covers again.
Frenit came in looking at his 'wife' with a slight smile on his face. "I'm glad you feel it… because you look it…"
Oh, valar, it hadn't worked.
"I always think you look pretty… you know I have a guess… that if we were to have a child when you feel pretty and I think your pretty… the baby would be the most beautiful ruler…"
"FRENIT, FOR THE LOVE OF THE VALAR MAN, LISTEN TO YOURSELF!" The dam burst. Legolas sat up right and resisted the urge to smack the human in front of him. "EVERY SINGLE THING I DO YOU HAVE TO RELATE TO HAVING KIDS!"
"But…"
"BUT NOTHING…. I DO NOT NOW, NOR WILL I EVER WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH YOU!"
"But… but why?" The king then gave the prince the most pitiful heart broken look he had ever seen. And he had seen a lot. Tears welled up in his eyes, his posture slumped, his lip jutted out, and he looked as if someone had just fed his heart to a warg. All cruel words died on his lips and he tried to find a way to fix that face, though his mind was screaming at him.
"Because…"
I am not your wife.
"Because…"
I am a man.
"Because…"
I do not have the organs required for such a process.
"I am already pregnant and once is enough."
Or that works…
The face vanished in an instant and Frenit launched himself on Legolas, kissing his neck and hugging him all over. "Oh darling that's wonderful! I can not wait, I am going to be a father! Now you get some rest, you two," he looked at the elf's stomach. "I am going to be up all night, I just know it!" He gently laid him down and with a quick peck on his stomach was off again into the bathing chambers, singing happily to himself. It was at that moment that Legolas knew it.
He was doomed.
He, was not the only one realizing their fate. Across the palace Elladan and Elrohir were getting the scolding of their life… scolding was really not the right word for it. Scoldings didn't shake walls and break ear drums… unless they were coming from Lord Elrond. The ancient Lord had been screaming his lungs out at his twins for the past twenty minutes in Elvish, leaving the two to wonder how their Ada could go that long without air.
"AND IF I EVER, EVER, CATCH YOU TWO DOING SOMETHING SO COMPLETELY MORONIC, EVER AGAIN, I SWEAR THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE OUT OF DOORS FOR THE REST OF YOUR ETERNAL LIVES!" He finished speaking, not really speaking, speaking didn't shatter glass with it's volume, to them and sat down massaging his temple, thoroughly annoyed.
"I have yet to figure out a punishment suitable for you two…" He sighed.
"Ada, we did not mean to honest!" Elrohir pleaded.
"Mmf! Mllyfrififphrit!" Elladan offered helpfully.
"I know you did not mean it, and I know that you love me, but thousands of people could die just because you left a door open… all that Legolas and Aragorn have done will be in vain, they will have been women for…" His head snapped up and he looked at his sons, a wicked grin spreading across his face. "You will join them."
"What?"
"Mmfon?"
"You will be joining them. You two will act as sisters visiting from another land. I will hold a ball, and you will follow them around till then, during then, and after then. You will keep them safe and make sure nothing happens to them… at all…"
"What?"
"Mo."
"Dan's right there's no way in all of Arda you can get us to do ahhh!"
"MMMH!"
"WE GIVE WE GIVE!"
Elrond Let go of their ears and smiled. Good… now, I need to find you boys corsets…
Aragorn couldn't take it. After three and a half hours of girlish giggling he was about to snap. He didn't even know it was possible for a sentence to consist of Legolas, every other word and still make sense. He was three seconds away from ramming his head into the wall just for some silence.
"Nu-uh, he likes me better!"
"Nu-uh, he likes ME better!"
"No, way!"
"You're both wrong I'm his favorite.'
"After me!"
"Oh your all talk, he really loves me…"
"No me…"
"No. me…"
"NO NONE OF YOU!" The ranger turned around from where he had been lying on his side. "HE WILL NOT EVER LIKE ANY OF YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL STUPID, STUPID, PRATS WITH FEWER BRAINS THAN A PIN POINT!"
Fwethia broke the stunned silence. "What makes you so sure?"
"BECAUSE HE IS ALREADY SEEING ME!" The words left his lips before he knew they were even in his mind.
Excited gasps and envious glares were all he got in response… until Hetla spoke up.
"Did you kiss?"
"Yes."
"Where?"
"The lips."
"How many times?"
"Lost count." What was wrong with him… well at least they hadn't said the L word for a span of five seconds… a new record.
"What was it like?"
"Did he start or you."
"Was there tongue?"
"How long…"
"When was it?"
"Did you like it?"
"Did he like it?"
"What did he taste like…"
"Was it like, birds and rainbows or flowers and sunshine…"
It was going to be a long night.
There are four very special people that have been reviewers to the end and always ready to give constructive criticism, advice, or anything else they can think of… thanks to you… guys… This chapter is for you all…
G.A. Clive: Oh man, what can I say… you're amazing! I squeal with delight every time I get something from you… (which is often…) Thank you so much for all of the wonderful letters… I can't wait to hear more from you in the future…
PrincessSammO: I can't even begin to thank you enough for all of the wonderful out put you've given. I now have a million more ideas I wouldn't have had if it weren't for you… and fanart! Are you kidding me… I kind of want to vomit with joy… Oh dear, you're just that awesome… squee giggle yay… You are a wonderful, wonderful person and I am so glad that I've gotten to talk to you. Thanks again!
Psalm 136: Thank you so much for all of your positive feedback, I am amazed with the quickness in your responses and such. I put Elrond in just for you… (he and the twins will be in much more in the next chapter promise)I am amazed that someone who's written such wonderful work takes the time to review every chapter… more squee giggle yay… Thank you.
KayCee: I'm sorry, I know that you've heard this speech a thousand times, however, I gotta say it again. You are amazing. You are astounding. You are… you… You're like a sister to me… I love you… blah blah you rock… Okay, yeah thanks for everything here and elsewhere. All my love.
This chapter is dedicated to you.