I love watching Joanne when she thinks I'm not paying any attention. Like when she gets up for work in the morning and she dances around the bedroom humming softly to herself.
Or when we watch movies together on the couch and her eyes would be glued to the screen and she would almost always be chewing on her bottom lip, lost in the movie magic.
She never caught me watching her. She never looked up and met my eyes while I sat staring at her. Sometimes I wished that she would so that she would realize that I wasn't self absorbed and oblivious like everyone thought I was.
Maybe then she would realize that I was so caught up in her, so completely wrapped up by her that I couldn't be self absorbed.
But I knew that if she did notice me watching her dance and be free one morning she would stop immediately and apologize for waking me before scurrying off to the shower. So I'll pretend to be to self important to notice her.
My protest turned into a complete disaster. Benny, being the bastard that he is, called the fucking cops. A riot broke out and I guess some people got hurt. Joanne and I got out there as quickly as we could and made our way over to the Life Café.
I was pretty pissed off about my protest. Benny got exactly what he wanted. He shut me down. I was glad to see Collins and Roger waiting for us outside in the snow. After making sure everyone knew each other we went inside and waited for Mark. I really hoped he wasn't hurt.
When he ran in a few minutes later, telling me that he took his footage of my protest to the local news station, I almost screamed.
Instead I kissed him. I'm pretty sure he expected something to come of it and I knew Joanne thought it was something more than it was. But I knew the truth. It was a 'thank you, you're the best' kiss.
I would have kissed Collins the same way if he had done it.
I watched Collins and his new girlfriend, Angel. They seemed really happy together. I could understand why Collins loved her. She was full of life. They fit perfectly together.
Mimi was adorable. I had just met the dancer and already I knew that we were going to be the best of friends.
As we sat down after pulling a bunch of tables together I noticed Benny sitting off to the side of the café with his investors.
"Benjamin Coffmin III." He looked up at me, surprised by me addressing him.
"The enemy of Avenue A." I sat and watched him move to his feet. He started rambling about not wanting the protest to have ended in a riot, but I ignored him. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say.
I slid my hand into Joanne's under the table and smiled at her. She was never a big fan of public displays of affection. She didn't like people looking at her.
So when Mark started singing and dancing on the table, something we were all used to, I was shocked when Joanne jumped up and joined the fun.
I've never seen her just let go like that. She's always been so quiet, so professional in public. When she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, running her hands down my back and then grabbing my ass I wanted to drag her off to the bathroom right then.
But Benny's father-in-law interrupted us. Apparently homosexuality is a touchy subject with him. I didn't care though. I was in love and she was perfect.
I had been worried about how Joanne was going to fit in with my old friends. She was so different from the rest of us.
She was smart, she was successful, she had a job. But she seemed to open up around us, becoming Joanne the person instead of Joanne the lawyer. She was so beautiful.
I couldn't help but crawl on top of her on the table and kiss her senseless. I was so glad that she was letting me kiss her like this. She didn't seem to care that everyone was watching us and I know I didn't care.
Once again we were interrupted by Mr. Grey. I really couldn't stand that guy.
The rest of the night passed that way, after Benny and his uptight investors left. We won a battle that night. We became a family that night. It was all about us.
We partied half the night before they finally kicked us out. I guess they don't like it when you throw food around in a drunken fit of laughter.
Joanne and I walked home hand in hand, laughing drunkly about what had happened at the Life. We busted into our apartment and stumbled onto the couch together.
"I love you." I whispered in her ear before kissing her neck.
"I love you too." She kissed me slowly, running her hands down my bare arms.
"Wait." My voice was a whispered rush as her lips moved to my neck. She chuckled softly against my neck, slipping one of her hands under my shirt. I gasped and bit my bottom lip.
"You sure, baby?" She nipped at my pulse gently.
"I'm sure, Pookie." I said pointedly, running my fingers through her hair.
"You want to talk, don't you?" Joanne asked disappointedly, resting her head on my chest.
"You make it sound like such a crime for me to want to talk to my girlfriend." I said with a small laugh. She giggled and kissed my throat.
"Let's at least go to the bedroom where I don't have to lay on top of you." She smirked down at me and then slid off of me, heading to the bedroom.
I watched her walk away and groaned inwardly. She was going to do everything in her power to distract me from wanting to talk. I stood and stretched, taking my time to let her change.
The last thing I needed to do was walk in there and have her be half naked. I knew I'd never get any talking done then.
When I got to the bedroom Joanne was sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard and the comforter covering her lap. She had changed into a tank top and most likely a pair of shorts.
"It's Christmas, baby. You're gonna freeze." I said, pulling out a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt from the dresser.
"Not if you get over here and warm me up." She said with a seductive smile.
"Not tonight, honey. Tonight I finally get to find out what's been going on in that gorgeous head of yours."
I walked out and headed to the bathroom, changing quickly. I pulled my hair back out of my face and washed off my make-up. When I walked back to the bedroom Joanne had pulled the blanket back on my side of the bed. I smiled at her and sat on the bed, pulling the blanket over my lap and turning to face her.
"What exactly do you want to know?" Joanne asked nervously.
"Everything." I whispered, taking her hand in mine.
"I was fifteen when I first realized that I was interested in girls. Before then I'd never really been interested in anyone. I was to busy working for Harvard in an attempt to get my parents attention. They both spent so much time in court and working on cases that I was left home a lot of the time. By the time I was seven I knew that I wanted to be a lawyer like mommy and daddy. Then maybe they would notice me."
I watched her intently as she spoke. Her eyes were distant, hollow. She seemed to be lost in her memories, but her grip on my hand tightened. I seemed to be her anchor to the present.
"When I told my parents I thought I might be gay they laughed it off, saying that it was just a phase. I hadn't had a boyfriend yet, Dad said that I was to young, Mom said that I needed to concentrate on my school work. But when I told them that I had a crush on my friend Kayla, they both tried to set me up with any smart, soon to be doctor that they could find. Funny how things change so quickly."
She laughed, a soft, almost mournful laugh. A small smile graced her lips.
"Kayla had been my best friend since I was five. She was beautiful. Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect skin, and she was smart. Wow was she smart. She was the first person that I told when I realized that I was gay. She was really supportive of me, until I told her that I had a crush on her. Within a week she had told everyone that I had hit on her."
Her face became stoney, angry. But I could see the hurt in her eyes. My head found it's way to her shoulder and I looked up into her eyes, begging her to continue.
"I decided then that I didn't want to be gay anymore. Hell, I didn't want to be gay in the first place, but at least it was ok because I had a friend. At least before Kayla I didn't hate myself because of it. I started getting into fights, my grades started to drop, and then my parents decided to send me to Miss Porter's. An all girls' boarding school."
She sounded so sad, so defeated, so broken. One of my arms snaked it's way around her waist and I shifted until we were both on our backs, Joanne's head on my chest. Her hand still held mine in a death grip of comfort.
"I don't know what they thought they were going to accomplish. I ended up staying in my room every night studying, graduated with about a million college credits waiting for me at Harvard and started a new life away from my parents. I decided to be a lawyer because maybe it would give my parents something to be proud of. I had a few girlfriends at Harvard, but none of them lasted. My last girlfriend cheated on my constantly. That was about six months before I met you. I had made a promise to myself that I was going to work on my career and avoid relationships for the next couple of years."
She was smiling up at me, tears shining in her eyes. Our hands twisted and turned over each others, fingers locking and unlocking, curling and uncurling. I felt my heart swell. I wanted to kiss away all of her pain for the rest of her life.
My other hand ran through her hair and down her back slowly. Her eyes closed and a small sigh escaped her lips.
"God I love you." I whispered, showering her face with kisses. She giggled softly and snuggled closer to me.
"I love you too." She said with a smile. She seemed so innocent and vulnerable and childlike.
We stayed like that for hours, just holding each other. I finally understood why Joanne and I fought so much. Joanne was a fighter. She had to fight for everything from the time she was a child.
First, her parents attention, then to be accepted as a lesbian, then to become a lawyer, then to prove herself as a legitimate lawyer and not just someone doing what her parents talked her into doing. And I was too damn stubborn to ever just give in to her.
"I'm sorry." I whispered sometime after the sun broke over the horizon.
"Wha?" She asked sleepily, her eyes still closed.
"I'm sorry that you had to fight so hard when you were younger. I'm sorry that I make you feel so insecure. I'm sorry that you can't just let go because you're afraid that something will go wrong because that's all that's ever happened to you. I'm just sorry baby."
I pressed my lips to her forehead and closed my eyes, fighting off tears. I wished that I could make her feel safe.
"Don't be sorry. Never be sorry, baby. You're perfect. You make me feel safe. You keep me sane. I love you, honeybear." Tears were welling up in her eyes quickly.
I kissed her softly, feeling her tears spill out of her eyes and wet my cheeks slowly.
"I love you so much." I brushed away her tears and she nuzzled into my touch, more tears falling.
It was the first time I'd seen Joanne cry. She wrapped her arms around my waist, clinging to me as she sobbed softly into my chest. I didn't know why she was crying and I didn't want to ask her.
She was so emotional, so beautiful. I was so happy to be there with her.
We fell asleep like that, keeping each other safe and warm, two little girls fighting against the world together.