Authors note: sloppy, quick, short and I still haven't gotten my spell check fixed, oh well! Cartman centric, oh and I don't own sp don't sue.
I Hate her.
More than anything.
She's rude, manipulative, snippy, violent, and sarcastic and above all down right, to the core, mean!
And I hate her.
So much that I married her.
I forget the plot, but I think it was to piss off Kyle, I gave her flowers, read her poetry… and she beat the shit out of my fragile body.
So it was on- I called her a 'self absorbing, pre-Madonna hoe, and I didn't need to waste my time on her!'
My efforts were greatly rewarded- she kissed me, and I wore a smirk all week.
It pissed Stan off completely, and when Stan pissed, Kyle's mega pissed
And I'm happy.
We would date, exchange insult and acts of violence on each other… it was magic.
Then years later she started going soft, she wanted what her brother had with his little faggy boyfriend, she wanted to get 'married'- god she pisses me off.
But she proposed in a manner I couldn't refuse, and by that I mean she kneed me in the groin and said so eloquently 'you need to learn, you can either shit or get off the F pot, Dumbass'
And really how could I refuse.
Not only a vile insult, but a strong act of violence to complete her gesture, it was almost romantic…
And we married quick, I graduated from collage and got a government job to support us.
She said she'll never forget how sweet (pshh sweet, not a word to describe Eric Cartman thank you very much) I was on our wedding day, a gazed into her eyes with as much hate as I could muster (I pictured Jew-boy's face for that extra venom) and told her "my dear, your ugly and as my wife you fit the part, because with your outside's as they are- your insides are worse, but now law instigates paper work is involved if you and I should ever get enough sense to part" (I'm such I romantic, aren't I?)
Her brother cried, not because his sister was married because 'we' were now related and there was no way around it, he would have to interact with me, and I would be cruel.
It's years sense then, many years and I've since moved up the ladder- how does president sound thank you very much, and I've made a name, for being the evilest son of a bitch you should ever know (worse than Bush I've been told- that always boosts my ego).
And I cant help at look at my wife who thought I was asleep and had been dangling a knife inches away from my adomon- that I think I loved this women.
Yes, like I've said, I hate Shelly Cartman.
And I love her ever more!