A/N: Finally, a new chapter. I hope you guys are still reading. Please review. It makes me happy on the inside.
I wasted no time moving out of Joanne's apartment. I wasn't going to stay anywhere I wasn't wanted.
Waking up slowly the next morning I rolled out of bed and padded barefoot out into the livingroom. There was nothing anywhere.
I walked to the window and watched the sun come up. I wondered was Joanne was doing right then. She was probably already at work.
Before I let myself start thinking about her again I tore my body from the window and walked to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror I cringed. My eyes were red and puffy, almost swollen shut. I looked like shit.
Turning on the hot water in the sink I scrubbed my face almost raw. I needed my clothes. Everything I owned was in Joanne's apartment. As I made my was out of the bathroom and back into my apartment I wrapped my arms around my stomach.
Not only was I cold and upset, I was hungry.
"Damn." I mumbled, pulling my shoes on. I was tired.
Pulling the apartment door open I took a deep breath and walked out. I made my way down the stairs in a fog, ignoring everything else around me.
"MAUREEN!" I jumped. People really needed to stop doing that to me.
I looked up to see Mimi leaning over the railing two floors above me.
"What are you doing here?" Mimi called down, a confused look on her face.
"It's a long story. What are you doing right now?" I called back, leaning against the wall.
"Nothing, how 'bout you?" She replied.
"I'm going over to Joanne's. I have to get my stuff." I yelled up to her.
"Why?" Mimi asked, leaning dangerously over the railing.
"Because. Come with me. I'll explain on the way." I didn't want to go alone.
"Okay, let's go." Mimi said excitedly.
I wasn't sure why she was so excited to see me move out, but she was Mimi and she was happy and even if I was upset she could make me smile.
"What happened with you and Joanne?" She asked, linking an arm through mine and dragging me down the stairs.
"We had a fight." I said with a shrug.
"It was more than a fight. You guys always fight. When I first met the two of you, you were arguing." Mimi said as we reached the street.
I thought for a second, my eyes on the ground underneath my feet.
"We didn't fight all the time, did we?" I asked, looking over at Mimi. She didn't seem to notice the almost scared tone in my voice.
"Not all the time, but you have to admit, you two did have a shit load of fights. Why the hell was this one so different?" She asked, looking up at me.
A deep breath later I answered with a touch of indifference.
"She accused me of fucking around on her." Mimi laughed softly.
"That's not the first time she's ever done that. She must have said something to really piss you off." She said, pulling her arm from mine to pull her cigarettes out of her purse.
"Ug, do you have to smoke those damn things?" I asked, one hand instantly moving to my throat.
"You live in New York City and you're asking me not to smoke?" Mimi asked, cigarette hanging from her lips. I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever, just blow the smoke not at me." I said as we passed what was now referred to as 'The Maureen Theater'.
Mimi lit her cigarette and took a long drag, closing her eyes. Making sure she blew the smoke in the opposite direction she turned and looked at me.
"When's opening night?" She asked, glancing back at the theater.
"Two weeks from yesterday." I said with a smile. At least something was going right for me.
"So what's been going on with you and Roger?" I asked, looking at Mimi out of the corner of my eye. She seemed to be thinking about something.
"Roger's mad about Benny. He thinks I'm sleeping with the bastard. And he wants me to quit using." Another drag on her cigarette, another puff of smoke blown to the side.
My eyes instantly looked up and down Mimi's thin frame. For the first time I noticed how sick Mimi really was.
"What?" Mimi's voice pulled me back to our conversation.
"Just thinking." I answered softly.
"You think I should quit too?" She sounded angry.
"I think I've seen what drugs can do to a person. I watched Roger and April go through it and you're to good for all that shit." I hoped that she would see my point.
Sometimes I wondered if Roger really loved Mimi, or if he was just looking for someone to replace his April. The two were so much alike some times it was scary. But then Mimi would smile at Roger and he would smile back and I knew he loved Mimi because she wasn't April.
Mimi stayed silent for a second, finishing her cigarette. After dropping the butt on the concrete and stepping on it to put out the ashes Mimi's eyes met mine.
"It's hard to quit." She said, wrapping her arms around her small body.
"I don't want to tell you how to live, because god knows my life is fucked up as all hell, but it's something you should consider." I glanced at Mimi again. She seemed lost in thought again.
"I'll look into it." She said with a sigh. We walked in silence for a few minutes, neither one wanting to piss the other one off.
"This is my stop." I said, looking up at Joanne's apartment building.
"I'd love to stay and help you pack, but I have to go to the park." Mimi said, avoiding my eyes.
I wanted to help her. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted her to live. Pulling Mimi into a hug, I kissed her forehead.
"I love you, Meems. Don't ever forget that, alright?" I whispered in her ear. She laughed slightly, pulling back from the hug.
"I'm a big girl, Maureen. I can take care of myself." Mimi said, smiling up at me.
"I know, but that doesn't mean I can't worry about you. It's what families do." She laughed.
"I'll talk to you a little bit later, okay? I need a nap. I'm working all night tonight, and I worked all night last night." Mimi lied. I knew she wasn't going to go home and sleep. She was going to go home and get high.
"I'll talk to you later." I said, watching her walk away.
I turned my attention back to the apartment building. My brain started to pound with "what if" questions that I would never be able to find the answer to.
'What if Joanne was there when I got there?'
'What if Joanne had destroyed all of my stuff?'
'What if, what if, what if?...'
But I knew that Joanne wouldn't stay home from work and I knew that Joanne wouldn't destroy my stuff. She was better than that.
The elevator dinged and I walked off, my arms crossed over my chest. As I walked to Joanne's apartment door, a million scenarios ran through my mind of different ways that I would find the apartment. Each one ended in the two of us getting back together, falling into each others arms and promising to love each other forever.
Taking a deep breath I put my hand on the door knob, hoping that Joanne would b e on t he other side, just as upset as I was.
Finding the apartment empty wasn't a surprise to me at all. No matter how much I wanted Joanne to be there, I knew she wouldn't be. Joanne wasn't the type to sit and cry over something like the two of us breaking up. Joanne was much more logical than that. Joanne was the type to throw herself into her work and forget that I ever even existed.
The apartment was in complete order. Everything was in it's rightful place. Some small part of me wanted to wreck the apartment. She would remember me then.
Again, a million different scenarios ran through my mind, all ending in a million different fights.
No, destroying the apartment wasn't the answer. Destroying the apartment would only help to prove Joanne's theory that I was a slave to my emotions, unable to control myself.
The coffee pot in the kitchen was empty, but Joanne's coffee mug was sitting in the sink. She must have gotten up early to leave for work and drank the entire pot.
I felt like a ghost walking through the silent apartment. As I made my way to the bedroom I felt my heart contract.
Two deep, forceful breaths calmed me slightly. The bed was perfectly made, not a pillow out of place.
The duffle bag was resting comfortably under the bed, covered in a thin layer of dust. I sighed softly to myself, dropping the bag on the floor by the closet.
My clothes were hung up neatly next to Joanne's boring business suits. Oddly enough, they looked like the perfect couple.
I started stuffing clothes into my bag, ignoring my mother's voice in the back of my head telling me to always fold my clothes because otherwise they would wrinkle.
I didn't need to be thinking about my mother right now.
Turning back to the closet I was shocked to find that all of my clothes were in my duffle bag. It hurt. I felt wild and free, ready to leave at the drop of a hat without much notice, and all I wanted was to be tied down.
I didn't really need anything but my clothes, my shoes, and my bathroom things, like towels. I made my way back to the bathroom and grabbed everything that was mine.
Everything else in the apartment was something that Joanne and I had bought together. Not wanting to start another fight with her, I decided to leave all of it. Everything looked comfortable there. Hell, I was still comfortable there.
Reaching into my pocket I pulled out the key to her apartment. I needed to leave her a note, let her know that I came by to get my stuff.
I found paper and a pencil in one of the kitchen drawers and took a seat at the table. I wasn't sure what I wanted to write. I just knew I had to tell her something, anything.
'Jo,
So, I came by today to get my clothes. I wasn't really sure what to take,
so I just took my clothes. Everything else seemed like it was supposed to
be here. I'm leaving my key here too. I'm staying in the little apartment
in Mark's building. Maybe one day we can be friends again. I miss us
being friends.
Maureen'
With one last look around the apartment I put my duffle bag over my shoulder and made my way out of the place that had been home to me for so long.
As much as I wanted to stay and wait for Joanne and make our relationship work, my pride wouldn't let me. I knew that I was right and there was no way I was going to let Joanne think otherwise.
I should have know that Joanne was feeling the same way. Neither one of us was willing to give and apologize.
When I finally got back to my apartment I went directly to the bathroom for a shower. I needed to get clean and I needed to relax.
Pulling off my clothes I left them in a pool on the floor and turned the water on. The water pressure sucked and the hot water was barely hot enough to consider warm.
I shivered as I turned my face up underneath the cool water. My tears mixed with the water that was already running down my face.
I cried until the water ran cold, which was probably only about five minutes. The cold water shocked me out of my tears. I washed my hair quickly and stepped out of the shower.
Digging through my bag I grabbed the only towel I brought back with me. I dried off as quickly as I could, pulling on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved dark green shirt. Not wanting to spend time drying my hair I pulled it back out of my face before looking at myself in the mirror again.
I knew that makeup couldn't hide my sadness. If I was going to make it through the next few hours I needed to get control of my emotions. I stared into my own eyes until I saw nothing but random shapes pieced together to make my face.
My nose was to big; sharp and hawk like on my face. My jaw was huge compared to the rest of my face. I finally understood why April had killed herself. I was beginning to wonder what I had to live for. It would be so easy...
Shaking my head to rid myself of my thoughts and forcing away tears I took two deep breaths, closing my eyes. Opening them slowly I met the unwavering gaze of my reflection.
I forced a smile.
I looked like a clown.
I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the next few minutes, let alone the rehearsal I was going to be late for.
Putting off my own problems I made my way to the theater as quickly as I could, ignoring the world around me. Nothing mattered anymore.
As I made my way down the isle of the theater towards the stage I smiled as best I could. Climbing the stairs slowly I realized that everyone was already there, waiting for me.
"Look who finally decided to show up." My mask fell into place perfectly, covering the fears it knew by heart.
I stuck my tongue out and chuckled softly.
"Well, a diva always is fashionably late." I said, striking an overly dramatic pose in an attempt to make everyone laugh.
It worked.
"Somebody's in a good mood." Becca said, smirking at me.
"You know it, baby." I winked at her. Inside, I flinched.
"Alright, let's get started. We still have a lot of work to do." The director said, moving out into one of the seats in the audience.
As act one started and ignoring my feelings got harder, I pushed myself farther into trying to feel nothing.
Nobody seemed to notice that I was fighting for every breath I took.
I guess I'm a better actress than they all thought.