"Every author's fairy godmother should provide him not only with a pen but also with a blue pencil."
-- F. L. Lucas in Style
KP: Little Red Ridding Hood
I.
Ron smiled as his little red headed daughter eagerly bounced up and down on her bed staring at him. For a four year old she was about normal in her energy level. "Alright little one, time for bed." Ron smiled at his daughter as she turned to him with a clear sign that she was ready to pull out the dreaded Puppy Dog Pout.
"I want a story!" Ron sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. Kim had warned him against telling his daughter stories late at night but for the life of him he couldn't remember why. With Kim currently dealing with work related issues it was up to him to put their daughter to bed and this did seem to be the best way. After all things did quiet down after one of his stories so it should be fine.
"Alright just one story but you got to promise to go to bed ok?" His daughter nodded a smile on her face as Ron grinned at her. "Ok well I guess I'll tell you the story about a young girl named Little Red Ridding Hood. Now it is a little known fact that Little Red's first name was Kimberly and she lived..."
"Isn't every one of your characters named Kim Daddy?" Ron blinked at his daughter shocked out of his story telling mode with this odd question.
"Now Katie, are you trying to say that Daddy is an unoriginal author who can only reuse the same characters over again in predictable situations with easy to foresee endings?" Do his annoyance his cute but traitorous daughter nodded her head up and down. "Ok then would you like to tell the story?"
"No." Ron made a face at his daughter happy and energetic reply to his question as he shook his head. Kids now days!
"Then how about you let Daddy tell his story without being interrupted." Pausing he looked at his daughter to make sure she was listening to him. The two bright green eyes stared back up at him with that same little smile on her face that her and her mother seemed to have at moments like this. Shaking it off Ron continued with his very well written, or told in this case, story. "Now where was I...ah yes let's see I was talking about Little Red. Now Little Red was called that because of her signature bright red cape and hood which matched her red hair. Actually in a lot of ways she'd probably be called Little Red despite that but I doubt she'd be called Ridding Hood at the same time."
Pausing Ron looked up at the ceiling contemplating this. "Daddy?"
With a startled look he broke out of his silent contemplation looking back at his daughter. "My bad...anyway Little Red Ridding Hood was given a task by her mother one day..."
II.
Little Red Ridding Hood, also know as Kim, gently pulled her recent creation from the oven. Waving her hand in front of her face to clear the black billowy smoke she stared down at the very dark and hard loaf of bread that was currently stuck to the metal pan. Resolving to separate them later she made her way to the basket and set the loaf aside to cool. Smiling she inventoried the items within to make sure that all her mother wanted her to carry was inside.
"Kimberly Anne what have you done to my oven!" The stricken cry of her mother caused Kim, a shorter and easier thing to say then Little Red Ridding Hood of course, to spin around to make certain that there was no danger. Seeing her mother standing before the oven she smiled.
"I just felt like baking a loaf of bread for Nana, that's all Mom."
Her mother for her part just turned and gave Kim a disapproving glare. "How many times have I told you to never attempt to cook in my kitchen? That's what the kind Wood Cutter's family is for!" Kim blushed as she looked down uttering a quick apology before setting off on her trip.
Grabbing her trademark, by law mind you, red cloak and hood she threw all the food in her basket ready to set out on her trip. She looked forward to helping her Nana out while she was sick just like she loved to help out the local villagers. Sadly she had to help them out a lot since most of them were an ignorant lot unable to aide themselves in the most basic ways. Part of being a teen fairy tale heroine she guessed. "Bye Mom I'm on my way to Nana house."
Her mother poked her head out of the kitchen wiping her soot covered hands on her face and thus spreading it over her cheeks. Looking firmly at her daughter she uttered a dire warning. "Make sure you wear your hood or you'll catch your death of cold."
"Yes Mom." Kim sighed as she rolled her eyes used to this sort of mothering.
"Oh and Kimberly watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. Some say the wolf is a threat after all to young maidens who wander the woods alone. Others say that's just the local politicians wandering around trying to scare us into voting for them. So watch out."
"For wolves or politicians?" Kim looked back in confusion at her mother wandering what the meaning of this warning was.
"Politicians of course. Wolves have some decency after all." Kim shrugged her shoulders and promised to be careful as she set out on her trip.
As Kim skipped along the road enjoying her nice carefree walk she admired the way the birds chirped and the wind rustles through the leaves. It was a really pretty little path to walk through after all. Sadly it was not to remain so as a rather odd rabbit jumped in front of her blocking her way.
"Seriously Red you shouldn't go this way. Seriously!" Kim frowned as she looked at the rabbit with its odd white mullet on top of its head and beaten down clothing. Even a common animal should have dressed itself better.
"Why Mr. Rabbit shouldn't I go this way?"
To her shock the rabbit just stood up on its hind legs making a guitar motion with its hands. "Name's Motor Ed Red. Seriously! Ah Yeah! Seriously rocking. Seriously!" As the rabbit fell to the ground completing its solo performance Kim just frowned the more.
"Ok...Mr. Motor Ed why shouldn't I go this why?"
The rabbit now finished with its attempts to play a nonexistent musical instrument stood back up looking her, or at least trying considering its height, in the eye. "Cause of the Big Bad Wolf. Seriously."
"What Big Bad Wolf?"
"The Big Bad Wolf. Seriously."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
Kim nodded her head as she walked around the rabbit. "Thanks Mr. Motor Head I appreciate the advice."
"That's Ed Red! Seriously!" Kim shrugged her shoulders as she walked on hearing the fading fake guitar noises. Once again free of the annoying local wild life she admired the way the warm sun felt as it beat down on her upturned face. To her shock a rather hairy face dropped down in front of her blocking her nice view of the sun.
"Little Red you must turn back!" Kim frowned as she stared up at the monkey currently hanging upside down in front of her. It was a common fact that all monkeys are horrible little freaks of nature that served to plague mankind only. For some strange reason though, despite all reason mind you, she had never really felt much fear at the sight of monkeys. Sometimes it was sad what television could do to the mind.
"And why would that be Mr. Monkey?"
The monkey for his part just looked the more offended as he stared back at Kim. "My name is Josh Monkey. Please I am too much of a great artist not to be recognized on sight."
Kim frowned as she looked at the monkey. "You're an artist Josh?" The monkey nodded eagerly at her as he produced one of his works.
"This is my finest one yet. I call it Banana Heaven." Kim frowned at the crude drawing of a banana on a plank of wood in front of her. Shaking her head she decided to ignore it.
"Well Josh can you tell me why I shouldn't go forward?"
"Because of the Big Bad Wolf." Kim let out a snort at this as she prepared to move forward. The monkey though only got in her way. "Careful young maiden the Big Bad Wolf will eat you up in one quick bite if you continue this way."
Kim smirked as she looked up at the monkey. "Please I know sixteen different styles of Kung Fu plus I won every regional cheerleading competition I took part in. No stupid wolf is going to stop me." Kim smirked as the monkey only got more irritated at her.
"Careful for 'pride cometh before the fall' and falls hurt Little Red!" The monkey nodded his head up and down as if he had just given sage advice to her. Kim just walked around him prepared to keep going on. "Wait Little Red wouldn't you rather hear about the current movement in modern art towards a less defined set of preconceived standards which deviates from previous models of..." Kim hearing enough started running trying to get away from the now dangerously boring monkey. It was minutes later that she finally came to a stop slightly out of breath.
"Little Red you should turn back." Letting out a moan of frustration Kim looked down seeing a blue turtle staring up at her. It was a very odd looking turtle, by turtle standards of course, as not only was it entirely blue but its front feet were freakishly small. Very small mind you. On its right cheek it sported a rather ugly scar and its mouth was screwed up in a wicked looking grin. Its image was completed with a baby sized mullet pulled back in a pony tail. Yes a very odd looking turtle.
"And you would be?" Kim had learned her lesson from the last few crazy animals after all.
"Why Little Red you wound me. Of course I am the great and powerful Dr. Drakken. King of the turtles and ruler of the ponds." The turtles started to cackle at this throwing back its head in what it must have though was a villainous laugh.
Kim sighed as she scratched her red hair currently hidden by her red hood. "Ok Drakken mind telling me why I can't go down this path and I swear if you say the Big Bad Wolf I'll kick your turtle like biscuit across this path and then make turtle soup out of you." Smiling Kim leaned in close to the sweating turtle her eyes sparking with anger. "And I'm a very bad cook by the way."
"Yes tales of your horrid cooking are legendary among the wood land creatures." Kim flinched her joke coming back to sting her. "And all I say is there is a very hairy creature down this path which will hurt you very badly if you continue along this way."
Kim groaned as she shook her head. "Whatever I'd rather face a crazy wolf then deal with you lot anymore." With that she walked past the turtle heading down the path.
"Wait wouldn't you rather join me for Karaoke night. I'm always a crowd pleaser after all." Kim ignored him as she took off at a run. Soon enough she reached a rather nice clearing and spotted a rather odd sight.
Now it wasn't every day that anyone, even a fairy tale heroine, spotted what Kim was currently seeing in the clearing. Before her was a rather green, and hairy, wolf sunning herself on a lawn chair out in the meadow. In her hands she was reading a copy of 'Wolf Grooming Weekly' and was humming some unknown tune. Kim clearing her throat approached ready to end this annoyance she had been warned about to this point. "Are you the Big Bad Wolf?"
Sighing, the wolf looked up at her in irritation a distasteful expression on her face. "Listen Princess the Big Bad Wolf is the name my mother gave me. My name is Shego. Learn it and use it something I'd say about fashion if I thought you had a chance."
Kim looked down at her dress caught by surprise at this casual dismissal before looking back up with irritation. "What's wrong with my clothing?"
"If I have to tell you then there really isn't a point is there Princess? Now move your fat little legs out of my way and let me get some sun."
Kim frowned as she forced her anger down glaring at the green wolf in front of her. "Aren't you suppose to eat me or something?"
"Not while I'm on my break Princess now get on your way." Kim shrugged her shoulders deciding to take this lucky break and avoid a fight. Starting out once again she bypassed the wolf and headed along her way.
III.
Kim looked up at the sky sighing watching the fluffy white clouds float by. She admired the way the cotton like clouds seemed to drift in the wind with a barely noticeable motion on this slow and calm day. Her eyes brightened though when she heard a familiar thunking sound just down the path. Hastening her steps she cleared the wood coverage and grinned when she saw what she had hoped to see.
"Ron!" The person in question was a young blond haired man with brown eyes currently overseeing the cutting down of a tree. Of course he was not personally attacking it instead allowing his trusty pink rodent the honor of taking down the mighty giant. The woodchips coming from the tree testified to the rodent's progress.
"Wha!" The boy instead of turning around and greeting Kim let out a startled cry flinging the rodent in the air in surprise. The rodent still focused on its last task came back to earth even as the boy turned around. Two things made contact with the ground at this point as the noble woodcutter finally saw his guest. "KP? What are you doing here?"
Kim let out a giggle as she pointed towards the polka dot shorts currently showing as the woodcutters pants pooled around his ankles. "Enjoying the view apparently." She smiled as her oldest childhood friend, ok only childhood friend, looked down with a start as he pulled his pants back up. Grinning she walked forward and took a sit on the nearby stump reaching into her basket to grab a bit of cheese. "Rufus?"
Her soft cry gained the attention of the rodent who rushed over with an eager wag of its tail and leapt the remaining distance to Kim hand. Giggling she watched as the rodent ran up her arm and settle on her shoulder to eat the recently nabbed cheese. When the woodcutter cleared his throat again she turned back to him ready to listen. "Um...KP not that's I'm not happy to see you here but why are you out and about in the woods alone."
Kim frowned in the woodcutter's direction a puzzled look on her face. "What's wrong with me being in the woods alone Ron?"
"Well you are a girl." At this the noble though very unwise woodcutter pointed at Kim's chest.
Frowning Kim fought down her flash of rage at being considered weak as she looked at Ron. "Last I checked it's usually me saving you from the dangers of the wood. Correct me if I'm wrong of course."
Ron chuckled nervously at that as he rubbed his head still looking at Kim. She smiled at the familiar way the boy always seemed to manage to calm her down with that simple innocent look. Grinning she reached up and started to scratch Rufus's chin as Ron cleared his throat again. "Good point. New question what are you going here?"
"Delivering food to Nana of course." Kim grinned at the way Rufus eagerly purred in pleasure at her attention as she continued to scratch his chin.
"Nana's sick! Where will I get my lemon squares from now?" Kim looked up at the desperate cry from Ron.
"No big Ron, Nana will be fine." Smiling she looked in his direction a grin on her face. "Besides if you want lemon squares so much I can always have Nana teach me how to make them. I'm sure she'll be happy to and you can enjoy some whenever you visit my house."
A panicked look came over the very foolish woodcutter as he started to rub the back of his head again. The nervous laughter this time did not bring an affectionate look from Kim as she stared back at him daring to say what she knew he was going to say. Of course the woodcutter said what she knew he was going to say. "I don't think that'll be a good idea KP."
"Why?" The icy tone in her voice even caught her by surprise but he deserved it this time.
"Well...I mean there are issues with your cooking...I mean medical issues. Can't your Nana just teach your mom to cook it instead?" His hopeful grin died as Kim glared even more at him.
"I can cook just as well as anyone. Anything's possible for a fairy tale character! I'm Little Red Ridding Hood after all I think I can manage to cook some stupid lemon squares." She stood up ignoring the annoyed grunt from Rufus as he slid off her shoulder and glared at Ron for interrupting his pleasant break. His teeth hurt after all and having his chin scratched always seemed to help.
Ron, the noble woodcutter in case you forgot, for his part just kept walking into it. "Come on KP its not like it matters if your cooking is bad. It's not like anyone cares anymore."
Kim stiffened even more as she glared at Ron daring him to continue. "No lemon squares for you!" Turning she walked away not looking back as the woodcutter cried out at his mistake.
"Ah man!"
IV.
Drakken surveyed his assembled host of evil before him. There was of course the brains of the operation, him of course, and his trusty sidekick who provided the brawn. Nothing in the woods challenged Shego after all who wasn't afraid of the Big Bad Wolf. To his left sat his hyper cousin the rabbit, a story best left for another time, and to the side sat the monkey boy. As everyone knew monkeys were pure evil and no evil mastermind would be complete without one. Yes his team was assembled but his mission had been a failure.
Turning with irritation towards his still tanning green furred companion he let out an annoyed turtle grunt. "Shego why didn't you stop her!"
"Who Dr. D?"
Drakken fumed at the insolent tone used to address him as he popped his legs into his shell and started to shake with furry. "Little Red Ridding Hood. Who else would we want to stop?"
"The woodcutter?"
"Bah the buffoon doesn't matter. Only Little Red must be stopped."
"If you say so Dr. D."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
Another vein popping grunt of furry came from Drakken before he could calm himself down. "Why didn't you stop Little Red Ridding Hood?"
"Oh that. I was on my break so I let her go by."
Drakken finally lost it as he popped completely in his shell and let out a mighty roar. That done he popped up slightly more calm. "Shego must I remind you of the evil overlord sidekick relationship?"
"Sure."
"See that's what I'm talking about. Just pure sass is all I get from you and sometimes I wander if you even care about our evil enterprise. Why this very moment Little Red's Nana could be dinning down on a delicious dinner and you don't even care. I hope you two care at least." Turning he viewed his other two companions who had been staring at him with barely concealed laughter.
"Seriously? I care. Seriously Red must be stopped. Seriously." Drakken grinned as always his idiot cousin was up for a fight.
"I'm still confused on how denying an old woman her lunch basket is going to help us?" Drakken turned to glare at the monkey whose failure to see the plan showed some serious faults in using him. Was he a defective monkey?
"Enough talk! Let's just go and kidnap the old woman so we can set up a trap." Nodding their heads in agreement Drakken's animal loyalist followers set out on a trip to perform much evil. It was a short walk of course before they finally reached the house and sneaked in through the front door.
Drakken turned back to his companions noticing that like usual Shego had dropped behind. Sometimes help could be so hard to find. "Alright let's attack this old woman already..."
"What are you mangy creatures doing in my house?" Drakken turned in surprise as he saw an old woman standing before them an angry glare on her face as she messed with the hearing aide in her ear.
"Are you Little Red Ridding Hood's grandmother?" She nodded once as Drakken started to laugh evilly. "Get her boys!"
With that Drakken's loyal monkey follower and his idiot rabbit cousin leapt at the old woman. Drakken had expected a quick victory at this point but was not expecting who actually won. Instead of knocking the woman down she simply grabbed both woodland creatures in midair and tossed them into the open oven. As Drakken gasped in shock she then turned her attention towards him. "I've been hungering for Turtle soup lately."
Drakken staring up at the woman started to back up with his little legs before turning around and screamed as he tried to run back towards the door. In shocked horror he watched as the old woman launched herself over him and landed by the door closing it. Unable to stop he hit full force into it and blacked out.
Drakken groaned as he opened his eyes again trying to figure out where he was. Looking down he felt hot steam hitting the underside of his belly and tried to figure out why. He knew the hot steam was coming from the boiling pot of water but he didn't know what it was for. "Ready to be turned into soup?" Looking back he suddenly remembered what had happened as he let out another scream of horror.
"Shego save me!" Even as he screamed the old woman, still muttering to herself, took a seat in the nearby chair and slumped down snoring. As a green wolf emerged from the bedroom a smile on her face Drakken still continued to scream. "Dear God Shego, I'll give you anything just save me from this crazy woman."
"Anything?"
Drakken turned gaping at his henchwoman standing before him. Instead of waiting for a comment she just reached out and yanked him down dropping him once again on the floor. "How?" Drakken shocked question came out as he stared up at the green legs in front of him.
"Simple I just replaced her daytime medication with her nighttime medication. Something you should have thought about Turtle D." Drakken shook his head seeing his other two companions walk sheepishly out of the oven as Shego shoved the old woman into the broom closet. A knock on the door startled them all as Shego turned back towards him and his demented duo henchmen. "Quick under the bed I think our little Princess has arrived."
V.
Kim was still in a ticked off mood as she knocked even harder on the door in case her grandmother was having trouble hearing her. Cupping her hand to her mouth she tried a different method to get her attention. "Nana it's me Kim. Remember Little Red Ridding Hood."
"Come in dear." Kim frowned as she heard the acknowledgement from her grandmother but not liking the way the voice sounded. Something was off about it most assuredly. Shrugging her shoulders she stepped into the house spotting her grandmother snuggled soundly in her bed looking in her direction. Smiling Kim waved at her grandmother as she walked towards her.
"Hey Nana I brought you something to eat."
Her Nana made no move as she just pulled the blanket tighter around her face. A mumbled voice came out as Kim stopped to look at her. "Come closer dear so that I might see your face better."
Shrugging Kim walked forward noting her Nana's hands first. "Why Nana what big hands you have."
"The better to grab...I mean hug you with."
Kim shook her head as she looked towards her Nana's face. "Why Nana what big ears you have."
"The better to hear you with dear."
"Why Nana what strange eyes you have."
"The better to see you dear."
"Why Nana you really need a shave."
"The razor broke dear and stop being rude."
"Why Nana what big teeth you have."
With that the figure in the bed finally stood up throwing back the sheets and revealing herself. "That's it Princess I can't stand it anymore. You and you're stupid questions are getting on my nerves. You want to know why my teeth are so big. The better to eat you with my dear!"
Kim just smirked as she stared up at Shego getting into a defensive stance. She was unprepared when a blue, very small, and scaly hand grabbed her from under the bed. As she fell Kim gave out a startled cry.
VI.
Ron head came up a sense of alarm flashing through his body. Staring at his noble axe, also know as Rufus, the woodcutter voiced his concern. "Rufus buddy you hear something?"
The rodent in question just shook his head as he tried to get a large wood chip out of his teeth. Ron not reassured looked in the direction of Kim's Nana's house. "You want to take a break and grab some lemon squares buddy?"
Rufus enthusiastic nod was all the noble woodcutter needed as he set out in search of Little Red Ridding Hood and her elusive grandmother. It was a hard trip with the path at times having stones covering it but in the end the woodcutter made it to the house. As he approached he could see a smoking hole in the roof and his heart started to race. Running towards the house he opened up the door dreading what he would see. "KP!"
"Yeah?" Ron blinked as he saw Kim helping her grandmother off the floor as the remains of her red cape blew in the wind from the open door. Ron looked around noticing several animals lying on the floor in states of clear unconsciousness. He even saw the Big Bad Wolf with a rather odd looking black piece of stone shaped in the form of a loaf of bread resting on top of her head.
"What happened?" Kim just smiled at him motioning him to follow her.
"Nana we'll be outside for a bit. Ok?" Ron noticed that Kim's Nana didn't respond but instead just started to haul the blue turtle off towards the kitchen. "Come on Ron."
Now outside Ron was finally able to ask the most pressing question. "Are you ok?"
Kim at this just laughed as Ron stared up into her green eyes looking for any signs of pain. The state of her hood did little to comfort him as it hung on by a bare thread. "Come on Ron I know sixteen styles of Kung Fu. A few woodland critters are hardly going to stop me and besides only the Big Bad Wolf really knew how to fight. Shame I had to hit her with the bread I was saving for Nana."
"Oh...so I guess I was worried for nothing." Ron blushed as he looked past his friend towards the sky mentally hitting himself for panicking like that.
"Did you come here to rescue me?" Ron blinked as he looked back at Kim unfamiliar with the tone she was using. For some odd reason it sent pleasant shudders up his spine.
"Well...I guess."
Ron noticed Kim just smiled before moving in to hug Ron. Blinking in confusion he enjoyed the feel of his best friend against him before she pulled back. "That's why you're my hero Ron."
Blushing Ron looked past Kim to something else. "Well you're my hero KP. After all you're The Little Red Ridding Hood."
A small chuckle brought Ron attention back to Kim as she looked at him through half lidded eyes. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"Well then you know what a hero gets at the end of a mission well done. Right?" Ron frowned as he shook his head. Smiling more she leaned in even closer her face barely an inch away from his. "A hero always gets a kiss at the end of the story."
"A..." Ron never got to finish the sentence as Little Red planted a firm kiss on his lips.
VII.
"...and as they stared up at each other the young heroine gave the hero a chaste kiss on the cheek. Of course after that they lived happily ever after until the next story of course." Katie stared up at her father with suspicion as he finished the story. It felt like something had been cut out of that story.
"Is that the real story Daddy?"
Her father coughed slightly as he went red which just confirmed what Katie suspected. Her father was easy to read. "Well I might have shortened a few things here and there. Got to go to sleep right?" Her father yawned at that as his head leaned back.
Smiling she waited as his head leaned back even more before coming back to look at her. "Do you know what the moral of the story is?"
"That small rodents make good axes?" She smiled as the puzzled look came over her father's face as he tried to process that one. As happened every time his mind instead chose to shut down and his head plopped down right on her bed. Smiling she leaned in to check to make sure he was asleep and when she saw the trail of drool she knew she had won. Jumping up she ran over to grab a blanket and drape it over her sleeping father before patting him on the head. "Slept tight Daddy."
Jumping down she headed downstairs towards the kitchen and the ever elusive cookies. She never got this chance with her mom after all and she intended to stuff her self full before her mom got home. "I love it when Daddy tells me stories." Grinning she continued on her way towards her sweet rewards.
The End
A/N: Katie is evil! Honest. Zorpox lives on in that little kid after all. Anyway here's hoping you enjoyed this little story and my try at adding yet another fairy tale to the KP fanfiction archives. Seriously I searched and I think only Zaratan has written anything else like a fairy tale in the KP fandom outside of yours truly. Anyway this took a few hours to write, many hours actually, so if you liked it show your appreciation and drop a review.
On other fronts no progress on other fronts. Yep!
Disclaimer: I don't own KP or Little Red Ridding Hood.