One Thing in Common
He wasn't coming back. He had lost him forever. His last friend, had died simply falling through that Veil. You have to accept this and move on, there's nothing you can do that will change that. Remus Lupin chanted those words over and over under his breath trying to sooth his pain away.
It didn't go away, it worsened with every thought, every word that rushed through his head. And somehow he felt it'd never leave him, his last friend's memory would never leave him, he didn't know if that was either good or bad. Remus felt alone and left behind, left behind by all that had once cared about him.
All of them had left him. One by one. First James and Lily, then Sirius. Hell, even Peter had left him. Chosen him over Voldemort. He knew it was very selfish to think so but each and every one of his few friends had left him some time during his life, he had only one sixteen year-old boy left. A boy that slept a few rooms away. Harry was the only reason for him to continue living.
All his friends on the other hand, where probably in somewhere better, free from the werewolf. The one they wouldn't trust, the one they thought once to be on league with Voldemort. Thought to be a traitor. They hadn't had any faith in him. And Remus had to understand them. In fact he gave them reason, why would anyone trust him, a werewolf.
He tried to escape his own thoughts once more, but found he couldn't. Living with barely any money, not being able to work, not even being able to walk in the streets had done that to him, but he felt he deserved that. He was a danger to all of those around him. A danger even to himself really.
He felt trapped and cornered inside his own mind,with all those thoughts that he tried so hard to escape though they were never truly gone, they always found a way to get right to the front of hishead again. They always did in the end. And one thought led to another. One painful thought led to a even more painful one.
It was early in the morning. Or rather, very late at night. Remus wasawakenned by his nightmares once more. Nightly, as if in ritual, he watched Sirius run to the Ministry, he watched him receive the final strike from his own cousin and be thrown into the Veil. He watched but was unable to help, the only thing he could do was hold Harry back, hold him away from the Veil, before he too fell through. Always the same dream. The same nightmare.
He, shakily, stood from his bed and reaching for his nightgown he crossed the room and walked into the Hall heading for the kitchen. Carefully avoiding eye contact with what once had been Sirius' door. Still was his after all. Being back was difficult for Remus, and this was one of the main reasons.
The lack of him was unbearable. The house had been wrong to begin with, but Sirius had made it feel a bit more like home, now it was nothing but an empty house with bad memories. But Remus had no where else to go, and he had to be were Harry was. The boy needed him there. And Remus deep inside felt that he too needed Harry there, by his side.
But everything reminded him so much of Sirius. And yet, it had nothing to do with him, it had nothing to do with his eager personally, his goofiness. So many memories circled those walls, those rooms, this house. And they scared him to death nowadays.
He could still hear himself comforting Sirius, for he felt useless being locked away in the number twelve, in his point of view. Remus never thought him useless. In fact being alive seemed bloody useful for him now. If only Sirius had seen that before.
Remus closed his eyes. Tears threatened to spill yet once more, but he would not have it. He would not cry, not again, for something that couldn't be changed, wouldn't be changed, ever. People depended on him. Everyone was counting on him to be strong. Most of the times Remus wondered if he could. But he had. Harry needed him.
He reluctantly opened his tired eyes, emotions locked away, locked tightly away, buried deep inside him where no one else could see them.
He got to the kitchen door and reached for the doorknob, turning it slowly, unwilling to do any noise that would awake the Weasleys, or Harry.
But apparently he was not the only person awake at the house. Someone too seemed unable to sleep. Sitting on the darkness of the kitchen. Someone gazing into it's own cup of coffee, Remus could smell the caffeine from far away, the cup tightly fastened on his strong grips.
This someone had an unique smell. Remus realized when his werewolf senses took over, he smelled strongly of potion ingredients, as if he had just come out of the apothecary. It was a greasy haired, hook nosed, someone who sat, lost in thought, in the kitchen.
"Oh. Sorry," Remus said truly surprised. He didn't think anyone would be awake at this time. And nor did he wish to interrupt a pensive Severus Snape.
"Don't be," came his dry response.
Remus spun on his heels, facing the door, his mind was set on going back to his room. He'd conjure his own cup of coffee upstairs. At this way he didn't have to endure Snape's taunts, this way he wouldn't need to try and remained calm in order not to explode at Snape.
"I'm the one that should be apologizing." It was something that no one, has ever, expected to hear from the Potions Master own mouth.
"For?" Remus asked curiously turning to face the kitchen at its lone occupant again.
"Everything," he replied still gazing into his cup. "For Black. For not being able to discover his plan beforehand. And especially for holding that grudge against you and him for so long."
"Severus, there's no need," Remus reassured the man lightly, his voice somehow soothing in Snape's ears. "Don't put yourself through this, it won't make this better."
"Look who's talking," came his dark retort.
"Believe me I tried not too."
"Make that both of us."
Remus walked to him, and facing his back he squeezed the Potions Master in a small sign of comfort,. He wished he had had as much when his friends first started dieing. Though he didn't know the man would be feeling responsible for his death, it had nothing to do with him really.
He moved to the sink and helped himself with a mug of coffee. The scent of caffeine took his mind out off the little sleepiness that threatened to engulf him. He wished it would. Wished he'd have at least one decent night of sleep. But he never had.
"I don't wish to intrude, nor to sound tactless, but why? Why are you reacting like this to his death? After all it is common knowledge that you disliked each other, greatly I must add," Remus commented and asked taking a seat opposite to the Professor.
Severus thought against answering, for self preservation.
"You didn't answer my question Severus," Remus pressed on.
He's already dead, Severus Snape thought darkly. Fuck everything, it wouldn't change anything if Lupin knew. Nothing could change what happened.
"That's what I wished you to think," at last he replied. "You and everyone else," he added quietly.
"What? What's what you wished me to think?"
"That I hated him. That I sent him over the edge for hatred," Severus tried to explain. Remus looked at him nonplussed, trying to figure the man out. "Does Evans and Potter ring a bell?" Remus still frowned in confusion. How one could be so daft was beyond Snape. "Well, let me give you an example that's right before our eyes. Weasley and Granger."
Several moments of silence followed this remark.
"You loved him," Remus blinked in surprise, as comprehension dawned him.
"I always thought that love was such a strong word," Severus said, casually rubbing the bridge of his nose. "But yes one could say so. I did love him."
"But why did you fight him then? Why didn't you try to get close to him?"
"Because I lost hope the day I discovered your secret, all those years ago," Snape confided staring blankly at the wall before them. "Didn't you ever wonder why I hated Potter so much? Because Potter was the one to save me instead of Sirius. Because it was Sirius who had tried to kill me at first. Because Potter put him against me from the start.
"I felt so low, not being able to even become his friend. I hated what the four of you had, I could have given anything to be even in Pettigrew's shoes at that time. Being brought up the way I was there was only one thing left to do, bring him hell. It was the only way I'd be close to him without him knowing how I felt."
Remus continued blinking in surprise. Since when Severus Snape start to be so open about his own feelings. Since when did he talk about it so easily. Remus suspected that there was more to his coffee that it appeared, probably mead.
"I miss him, as well," the Potions Master finally said.
"Make that both of us."
"The way he just sat here, in this same spot, brooding and always with a mug of tea in his hands. The way he'd put Dumbledore against the wall to try and get out of this wretched house, to try and find out what secrets was he hiding. The way he would simple glow when the Potter kid crossed the threshold. Oh his smile," Snape finished with a faraway look.
He seemed to be remembering every small detail. Every single part of Sirius that had been lost when the Lestrange woman launched him to the Veil.
"Boy you had it bad," Remus attempted a light joke.
"Don't play around about this, I'm not in the mood." Though Remus could see a small, almost unrecognizable, twitch in his lips.
"Have you ever." Snape cast him a dark look. "Sorry," Remus replied softly.
"Don't be." A sense of déjà vu overwhelmed Remus, who smiled slightly.
The End
Wrote this a long long time ago whenwe had just learned Sirius had died, hope you enjoyed and review please I'd love to read your thoughts about this!