AN: With many thanks to my brand spanking new beta Ayiana2!

Just to point out, apparently I made a big mistake assuming women could enter the special forces. Did not know they couldn't and am sorry. I will fix that in the next chapter.

Im sorry it took so long to get this posted. IfI could spend all my days writing if Icould. Sadly theres a lil thing called A levels which stops this.

Thanks to all who reviewed/are reviewing/will review.

Andi

Chapter 3: The British are Coming!

Oh Man, was Sam Carter pissed. She was in a whole new world of furious. In fact, she'd bypassed furious and gone straight to a "Please tell me I just entered the Twilight Zone, or ate some of that wacky stuff on that moon that makes me hallucinate" place, where she said nothing and stood quietly in shock.

Vic Melling reminded her of her father. If her father had been British, upper class and camp as a row of tents. Her father didn't wear designer shoes. He couldn't tell his Gucci from his Chanel, and he sure as hell would not publicly humiliate her.
Hence the quite obvious fact that Victor Melling was not her father.

But he did have that patronising, critical manner that made her want to take a P90 and jam it somewhere uncomfortable. She had rage issues.

The first meeting had been more than awkward; it was so awful that it made her want to squirm just thinking about it. And having Jack there for moral support "and/or to kick his ass" made it even worse.

"Mr. Melling." She nodded, smiling as he entered the private plane, standing next to the Colonel.

"I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill, I'll be leading this operation. This is the leading lady herself, Major Samantha Carter." O'Neill was at his most charming, and gestured towards Sam with pride, at which she blushed slightly. He winked at her, and nodded his head towards the older man, whose eyes had narrowed as he critically analysed her.

His eyes went slowly down and then travelled back up. Strangely it wasn't lecherous. It felt more like some sort of alien scanning device, and she half expected him to inform her that she'd somehow grown two heads, or lost half a brain. He said nothing, but snorted derisively. She decided to try again.

"Nice to meet-" She headed towards him, but he cut her off.

"Turn around." He gestured. "Slowly. " He added as she did as she was told. Sam caught Jack's eye. He had just switched from Colonel Charming to Colonel "I want to hurt this guy-where's my gun?"

"Well, I've had worse." Vic relented. "Complexion isn't bad, eyes are lovely." Sam raised an eyebrow wearily. Beware men who talk about "eyes the colour of blue river stones". When that happened, she tended to get kidnapped and traded with.

"Hair is atrocious. Body may be a problem-got many scars?" Sam's smile faded as she took a mental inventory.

"18" Jack supplied after an awkward pause. "That I've witnessed, I mean."

"Well, your hair, however, is perfect." Vic nodded at Jack, who grinned, saving that comment to tell Danny.

"We're going to have to do some work then." Vic settled himself elegantly into a chair as the pilot announced they were going to take off. Sam just looked at him.

"Well Samantha, tell me about yourself." Vic started, almost warmly. "Colonel, you don't by any chance have a Cabernet Sauvignon onboard do you? I had quite a hurried arrival, and flying doesn't do much for my complexion."

"And wine is going to fix that?" Jack asked, bemused.

"No, but it'll calm me down." Vic said slowly. Jack shrugged and went to check.

"Samantha?"

"Major Sam Carter, PhD, astrophysicist for NORAD." She said on the edge of civility.

"Hmm. What are your interests?"

"Interests..." She said thoughtfully, editing out all about her life that was classified, as Jack entered carrying a tray.

"Yes, Carter... Those many, many things that you do when you're not working." he set down the tray. "It's a choice between Champagne and Whisky."

"Well, Whisky at before lunch would not be classy. Although, considering this champagne, we might have to take the chance." Vic sighed.

"So which is it?" Jack almost growled.

"Champagne." He was promptly handed a glass, and Jack sat down next to Carter.

"Samantha...your interests..." Vic prompted.

"It's Sam." Jack answered.

"Oh, I don't think so!" Melling laughed derisively. "A girl with a boy's name will never win a beauty pageant." He turned to Sam. "You really think a man will get just as much satisfaction from calling out a boy's name instead of a girl's?"

"Do I want to ask why I would need anyone to be calling out my name?" Sam sighed.

"Samantha, please understand. Not only do we need to teach you how to be a woman, but you're going undercover, so think of this as another persona."

She shrugged, and nodded in resignation. "Sit up straight." He barked. "So what are you interested in?"

"Motorbikes, Hockey, my vintage car, spending time with my family, and saving the world on a regular basis." Her mouth twitched a little in a small smile.

"I am somewhat less than amused." He rolled his eyes. "Motorcycles, cars...organised sports?" He tried to keep the disgust out of his voice. "Let's try something salvageable. Your family? You're married I take it?"

"Well apparently I've got an atrocious hair style and a problematic body - who on earth would marry me?" She smiled pointedly.

"There's a couple Offworld who've tried." Jack whispered. She giggled. - Something that was not missed by Vic.

"Why must you take everything so PERSONALLY? I am trying to transform you into a butterfly." He whined with the air of a martyr.

"So when you said family you meant..." he prompted.

"My brother, niece and nephew, my father, and my team."

"Your team consists of whom exactly?"

"Colonel O'Neill, Daniel and Murray." She replied, gesturing towards Jack, who smiled inwardly. Sure, they all knew they considered each other family, but it was nice to be counted. Although the idea of being seen as a brother by her was somewhat disgusting.

"Three men? You're a military woman, who is intimidatingly intelligent, and spends all her time with three men? I just CANNOT understand why you are still single!" he said sarcastically. Jack took a deep breath. Sam briefly put an arm on his hand.

"Were you trying to make a point, Mr Melling?" She asked through her fake smile, a sure-fire way of telling how much she hated him.

"Yes, love. It is this precisely: Your name is Samantha Freeheart, you enjoy luxurious bubble baths, Chinese food and work for an underachievers program to help kids with their math homework. You hope to become a paediatrician, and what you want more than anything else is World Peace. Comprende?" He sipped at his champagne triumphantly.

Sam groaned whilst Jack looked at her in sympathy. She rubbed at her eyes and pleaded silently with her CO. He responded with a "Sorry but I've got orders" eyebrow raise and head nod combo. She nodded and shrugged.

"What now?" She asked, attempting to remain calm and polite, but sounding more like Cassie on a bad day.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to get some beauty sleep before we start your transformation. I suggest you do the same, love. Lack of sleep is never a pretty thing."

With that he swept past them to the back of the plane, where he reclined fully on the chair, and pulled out a pink silk eye mask. Jack and Sam blinked in surprise.

"Sir?" She pleaded.

"I'm so sorry Carter." He attempted to smile reassuringly. "It'll be fine. We'll land, and Danny can bug him and T can scare him."

"Sir, We're friends right? I've been a good 2IC for the most part?" "Of course, the best. Why?"

"I need you to do me a favour." She whispered, moving her head closer to his.

"Name it." He whispered back.

"I need you to protect something. I have a feeling, an intuition you know? Vic is going to take it. It's very important. You need to promise you'll guard it with your life."

"Promise." he nodded solemnly as she started rummaging around in her bag, looking up cautiously to check Vic didn't detect the rustle. Jack watched, bemused. He half expected her to pull something crazy out her bag, like a baby, or a naquadah reactor. Instead she pulled out a large brown bag, and passed it over. He felt its weight in his hand, making his arm ache. He unrolled the top and opened it. Looking in he smiled. Grinned. He wanted to laugh so hard that he would roll on the floor. But he wouldn't. Because it was Carter, and, well...He loved Carter. So he could let this go. But he would remember it. Because in that bag was Sam's only chance of sanity. About half a kilos worth of chocolate bars. He would protect it for her. He stuffed it into his bag, nodding seriously at her. She smiled and settled down to sleep, trusting her CO implicitly with matters that were so important that they included chocolate. Jack, for some strange reason, was glad that she'd trusted him with this.- T that she trusted him to understand her neuroses.

And if he happened to get peckish later...Well, he could always blame the Strange British Fairy.

SGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGSGGSGSGSG

AN2: this is the part where i beg for reviews.

Oh, and about the "fairy" jibe and the "camp as a row of tents" thing. Do NOT send me emails saying how I am against gay people or something. Firstly because its moronic, secondly because 50 of my friends are gay, and thirdly because if i was describing a very straight person, i may have said "straight asa flag pole" or something. So dont waste your time replying unless its something I can fix or gloat about! Thank you for your time. Here endeth the rant.