Gypsy
1640 ZULU
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
"Here they are, Colonel, the details for the challenge."
"Come in, Harriet," Mac called, not looking up from the report she was working on.
Harriet closed the office door behind her and settled herself in front of Mac's desk, folder in hand. Mac finished her writing and pushed the files aside before turning a bright smile toward Harriet.
"What did they decide on?" she asked eagerly.
"You'll never guess! An all-male beauty pageant!"
Mac's eyes widened for just an instant before she burst out laughing. "You're kidding!" she demanded.
Harriet shook her head. "Nope. They want to see the men of the JAG offices in full beauty pageant regalia - complete with swimsuit, talent and evening gown categories."
An image sprang into Mac's mind of the men in her office dressed in little pink tutus and she started laughing hysterically. It was infectious and soon Harriet was laughing as well. It took a few minutes for them to get calmed down and they carefully wiped their eyes and took slow, deep breaths.
"Well, if nothing else, we got a good laugh of it," Harriet remarked.
Mac grinned in response. "They're never going to agree to this, Harriet."
"They have to, ma'am. We answered the challenge to raise money for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society."
"Harriet, see if Jen is around, maybe she can help us." Mac picked up her phone, "I'll try calling Meredith." P.O. Coates entered Mac's office with Harriet. "Close the door, I'll put this on conference call" with that, Mac pressed the speaker button on the phone. All involved began sharing ideas on how to get the guys to say yes to a beauty pageant.
Jen turned to Mac, "How are you going to the Commander to agree to do this?"
Mac smiled, "Don't worry! If you can get your men to agree, then I'll get an Ok from Harm."
"How?" Harriet and Meredith chimed in unison.
"With this" Mac pointed and tapped her head, "With reverse psychology!"
Mac ended the conference call.
The pageant was scheduled for Saturday night, so with no time for delays, Each scurried out of Mac's office with their own plans firmly entrenched.
Jennifer Coates walked by Tiner's and Gunny's desk, stopped and asked, "Jason? Victor? Would either of you care to be my date Saturday night?
Jason Tiner was shocked by such a direct question, Victor trying to outdo Tiner, in unison they both answered "Yeah! Where do you want to go?"
Jen handed Jason and Victor the details of the beauty pageant and stared directly into eyes, "I dare you both to get up there!"
The Gunny smirked, "A challenge! You going for it, Jason?"
Jason Tiner just laughed "You're on!"
Later that evening
Thursday, 2 days before the pageant
Robert's Home
"Bud? What are you doing Saturday night? Harriet asked innocently while she walked around the family room picking up toys and little A.J. clothes.
"Nothing, Harriet, just planning to say home, watch TV, play with little A.J." Bud replied, "Why?"
"There is this fundraiser going on for the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society." Harriet explained slowly, "And the committee kinda wants JAG to help raise money this year"
"Sure babe, I'll give you a hand." Bud walked around and gave Harriet a hug. "Just tell me what you want me to do."
"Great!" yelled Harriet and kissed Bud hard on the lips. "You won't regret being a part of the all-male JAG beauty pageant." Harriet quickly left the family room and ran up the stairs to little A.J.'s room
"Beauty pageant? Harriet, Is there something you forgot to tell me?" Bud shouted out as he grabbed his cane and started up the stairs. "Do you mean beauty pageant, like showing off swimsuits, a stupid no-talent segment and formal gowns?"
"YES!"
"But, but, Harriet? My leg?" He yelled as he slowly climbed the stairs.
LATER THAT SAME DAY,
IN THE LATE EVENING
A.J. CHEGWIDDEN'S BEDROOM
"Hmmmmm! Ohhhhhhaaaa! Mmmmmm! Meri, you sure know how to give a back-rub." AJ sighed as Meredith massaged his body. She kneaded his shoulders and arms, massaged his lower back and scratched his hairy legs. "What did I do to get such attention tonight?"
"I know you had a stressful day today." Meredith whispered in his ear. It was the truth, every day since Lindsey's investigation daily events around JAG became increasingly difficult. Everyone was on edge-The fear, another investigation, only this time-changes would be made.
"AJ?" Meredith lying down and cuddling close, still massaging and stroking AJ's back. "Why don't we do something fun this weekend? Try something new? Like helping Harriet at that fundraiser, she's been organizing. You know which one-the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society."
"Sure babe! Count on me, one hundred percent, It's a good cause." AJ replied, placated by her attention, relaxed by her gentle touch. "What ever you want me to do"
"Good!" Meredith jumped up slightly and started talking fast, trying to get out all the details before AJ could react or change his mind. "The committee decided they wanted an All-Male Beauty Pageant and you're on third!"
"WHAT! THE ! $#&!" was AJ's last reply. Meredith moved in for the kill, she began kissing AJ passionately, removing her robe and proceeded to massage AJ in a more intimate manner.
NEXT DAY,
THURSDAY, 2 DAYS BEFORE PAGEANT
JAG HEADQUARTERS
COLONEL MACKENZIE'S OFFICE
Mac's cell phone rang, "Hello? Hi Harriet. How did it go? Great! How did Meredith do with the Admiral? Oh wow! Boy, can she tame the wild beast." Mac moved the cell phone from one ear to the other.
"No, I didn't ask Harm yet, he's been out of the office on a case. No, wait, I just saw him get off the elevator……….Call me back in five minutes……Thanks Harriet, this is going to be great!"
Harm entered the bullpen and greeted a few of the staff. He walked to his office, placed his briefcase and cover on the desk. He picked up his coffee mug and proceeded to the break room for a fresh cup of coffee. As he walked by Mac's office, he heard her talking to someone on her cell phone.
"Harriet, I'm telling you HE won't do it! Harm wouldn't go that far!" Mac answered, poor Harriet on the other end of the phone call started to think Mac's gone crazy. "Harriet, I know it's a good cause but…….he………won't."
"What won't I do?" Harm poked his head through the doorway. "And, if it's such a good cause, how come you're answering for me?" he angrily replied.
"It's for the fundraiser Harriet's in charge of, you know, the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society." Mac quickly replied back. "It's just that I know you and what they want this year…..a.. umm a kinda talent show-It doesn't suit you!
"Doesn't suit me?" Harm voice getting louder, "Who else from JAG volunteered?
"The Admiral, Bud, Tiner, Gunny and maybe Sturgis. But, Harm, I'm asking you, Don't volunteer! I KNOW YOU ………..this is not……..
Harm angrily interrupted "Mac, You may think you know me! But you're so wrong! I'll be there with bells on!" He turns, walks out of Mac's office, shouting, "And……..don't ever make decisions for me again!"
Mac shocked by the intensity of that last statement, never-the-less smiled to herself. She knew her flyboy all too well.
Harm stormed into the break room, mumbling to himself. He was greeted by the Admiral, Gunny, Bud and Tiner. "I see Colonel Mackenzie got to you!", the Admiral replied, "Meredith used female trickery on me" Bud chimed in how Harriet used logic and tears.
"What's so bad about volunteering a few hours?" Harm queried, as he poured a cup of coffee.
The four guys chimed in, "Guess the Colonel didn't give you all the details, Harm! It's an all-male beauty contest! With bathing suit, formal dress and a talent contest!"
"What! Whoa! Gentleman, I think we've been hoodwinked very well by the women of JAG." Harm laughed, "And the Colonel used a type of female psychology, that may bring her a few surprises" Harm stated slyly. "Tiner, what's the name of that club I found my dress whites being used as a dancer's costume?"
"Dog Tagues"
"Road trip! Come on, Tiner, there is a costume I have to find." Both Harm and Tiner left the office in a hurry.
LATER THAT MORNING
JAG OFFICE BULLPEN AREA
Sturgis Turner returned from his latest assignment, he overheard whispering and rumblings about a beauty contest. Mac noticed him from her office and walked out to greet him.
"Hi, Sturgis. Didn't think you would be back this week? How's the case coming?
"I managed to wrap up the details early and decided to stop by the office" He placed his cover and briefcase on a nearby desk. "What's up with this beauty contest? Did I miss something?"
Mac explained the details of the all-male beauty pageant and the fundraising efforts, sweetly she asked if he would like to be a participant. He declined but added: "If you got Harm to participate, I'll find a way to triple your donations." There was a devious smile on his face as he left the JAG office. "The great Harmon Rabb!" Sturgis's booming laughter could be heard through out the building, "In a beauty contest!"
SATURDAY NIGHT
NAVY-MARINE CORP RELIEF SOCIETY FUNDRAISER
BACKSTAGE OF LOCAL THEATER
Final details of the night were being furnished to Sarah Mackenzie, the master of ceremonies for the night. She neatly arranged the index cards by category: bathing suit competition, talent and evening gown. Harriet was assisting the committee in taking of admission tickets and donations. Other committee members milled around doing assigned tasks, a spirit of good-will was through out the participants.
The lights slowly dimmed, the DJ played an entrance tune. Mac walked up to the podium and began:
"Thank you for all coming out on a busy Saturday night to support the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society. I'm sure you will all enjoy the night, the contestants are ready to go………..so with out further ado…… The bathing suit competition, Introducing our first contestant -Bud Roberts!" The DJ changed the tape to play selections from "HMS Pinafore"
Bud walked out on stage dressed in an old-fashion men's bathing suit, the long striped pants covered his prosthesis, little A.J. accompanied his father dressed in a similar suit. They pranced around the stage for a few minutes. The audience clapped.
"Our next contestant-Jason Tiner" The theme song from "Peter Gunn" played in the background
Tiner strolled on to the stage dressed in a classic 60's style bathing trunk and matching shirt, he sported a cigarette holder and acted aristocratic. Once again, the audience clapped.
"The next contestant-Our favorite Marine-Gunny"
The Marine Corp anthem played as Gunny marched across the stage. He wore regulation issue swim trunks, his athletic body gleamed from a quick rub of baby oil. Gunny turned, faced the audience and flexed his muscles. The females from the crowd began to whistle and cheer. He walked slowly off stage, smiling all the way.
"Next contestant- The renowned Admiral Chegwidden"
"Anchor's Away" was the chosen background music. The audience began to giggle, quickly turned to out and out laughter. The Admiral was dressed in a black scuba wet-suit with air-tanks, flippers and oversized mask. In his right hand was an old fashioned fishing spear, a dripping plastic fish in his other hand. He just stood, dripped, looked at the crowd and flopped off-stage left.
"Now, our last contestant-Harmon Rabb"
The DJ started to play "Off we go into the Wild blue yonder", Mac gave him a dirty look, quickly the DJ changed the CD to play, "Navy Blue and Gold" Harm jogged on stage dressed in long surf shorts and carried a surf board. He stopped center stage and turned to the audience. A group of women in the back row started screaming: "Boxers" "Jammies" and in an English accent "Speedo's". A security man ran up the aisle to control the disturbance. The group of women split up and ran separate ways, the balloon with the heart boxers floated up to the ceiling. An attractive woman, who's dress included fishnet stockings and four-inch heels ran down the aisle, carrying what appeared to be a stuffed leg and yelling, "Not this time coppers!" Harm laughed out loud and announced to the audience. "Must be my fan club!" He flashed his famous fly-boy grin and left the stage.
Mac returned to the podium and introduced the fundraising committee. Alison, from the committee spoke about the Navy-Marine Corp Relief Society and the work it does. Harriet signaled from off-stage that the men were now dressed and ready for the talent competition.
Mac reappeared dressed in a deep red, low-cut evening gown.
"Our first talent presentation-Bud Roberts"
Bud started out telling jokes about being a father of a four-year old. Nervous at first, his comedy style was a hit with the crowd. Feeling overconfident, he tried an old Henny Youngman joke. "Take my wife, Please." Harriet heard the joke, huffed and walked angrily away. "Harriet! Harriet! It was just an old burlesque joke." Bud responded, chasing after her.
"That's our Bud, always the comedian. Now introducing our next talent entry, Jason Tiner."
Tiner dressed in a black tuxedo, proceed to sing an aria "Alla Luce Del Sole" His tenor voice echoed the richness of the lyrics and the intense force of his vocal sound filled the theater. Many in the audience were comparing his voice to Josh Groban's. As Tiner ended the aria:………
"Tutto sembrera migliore,
alla luce, al sole.
Il silenzio morira,
la gente che c'e si confondera.
E alla luce di quel sole
Io continuero a cercare te."
The audience cheered and clapped for over five minutes. A few stood up and yelled "Encore".
Mac returned to the podium.
"Jason Tiner, you amaze us! What a beautiful voice! And I see we have a few "Grobanites" in the house." She pointed to Tiner and allowed him to take another bow.
"Our next contestant: Admiral Chegwidden"
The stage's center curtain parted, a lone spotlight illuminated a man dressed in long flowing robes, a crown sparkled in the spotlight as he moved. A booming voice began:.
"Ay, every inch a king:
When I do stare, see how the subject quakes. I pardon that man's life.
What was thy cause?."…..
Tears started to fall from Meredith's eyes. "He's reciting one of my favorite scenes from "King Lear".
…." Though women all above: But to the girdle do the gods inherit, Beneath is all the fiends'; There's hell, there's darkness, there's the sulphurous pit, Burning, scalding, stench, consumption; fie, fie, fie! pah, pah! Give me an ounce of civet, good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination: there's money for thee."…..
Silently, Meredith's began reciting the words as AJ continued.
……"I remember thine eyes well enough. Dost thou squiny at me?
No, do thy worst, blind Cupid! I'll not love.
Read thou this challenge; mark but the penning of it.
What, art mad?
A man may see how this world goes with no eyes"…….
In a grand gesture of hands and whirl of his robes, AJ walked towards the edge of the stage and change his voice to a low, reflective pitch:
…."Look with thine ears: see how yond justice rails upon yond simple thief.
Hark, in thine ear: change places; and, handy-dandy, which is the justice, which is the thief?"…
With dramatic flair, he concluded…….his voice rising, emphasizing his final lines……..
……"When we are born, we cry that we are come
To this great stage of fools: this a good block;
t were a delicate stratagem, to shoe A troop of horse with felt: I'll put 't in proof;
And when I have stol'n upon these sons-in-law,
Then, kill, kill, kill, KILL, KILL, KILL!"…….
The spotlight dimmed, the curtain drew closed, the audience, again, resoundingly clapped and cheered.
Meredith stood up and threw kisses at the darkened stage, "You gotta love that man!"
"What hidden talent we have back at JAG headquarters. And now…..The Gunny"
Gunny entered the stage from the right, his dress: jeans and plaid shirt. In his hand was a harmonica, he raised the instrument to his lips and began to play a selection of songs ending with a soulful rendition of "Taps"
There wasn't a dry eye in the theater, even Mac was a little choked up when she returned to the podium.
"And now, last by not least: Harm!"
Harm walked briskly out to center stage, a guitar in hand. He was dressed in tight blue jeans, v-neck black sweater with a leather vest. He reached for the microphone and announced ,
"The song I'm going to sing was written by Justin Hayward of the "The Moody Blues" and is titled "Question"
He looked over to the DJ and gave him the cue to start playing the instrumental background
"An' Oh! This song is dedicated someone special."
The theater filled with the sounds of a hard rock beat.
"Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war?……….."
"Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
Because the truth is hard to swallow
That's what the war of love is for……"
The song now changed from the hard rock beat to a tender ballad, Harm looked Mac directly in the eyes, strummed the guitar and sang:
"It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way that you mean it
When you tell me what will be
And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you."
Harriet poked Mac, "Sarah, He's singing to you". Mac began to blush, her eyes not leaving Harm's intense stare.
"I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through."
Mac flashed Harm a smile, in her heart she could feel a flutter.
"Between the silence of the mountains,
And the crashing of the sea,
There lies a land I once lived in,
And she's waiting there for me,
But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused,
Between the dead and the sleeping,
And the road that I must choose."
Harm flashed Mac his famous flyboy grin, she blushed a deeper shade of red
"I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew,
Could safely lead me to
The land that I once knew,
To learn as we grow old
The secrets of our soul"
It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way you really mean it
When you tell me what will be………?
The audience clapped and yelled for more songs. Harm took a bow, winked at Mac, and returned backstage to change.
Alison from the committee went up to the podium along with Harriet. They read off the names of the donors and pledges, while the men backstage changed into their evening gowns.
Mac walked backstage and yelled, "Are you guys ready yet?"
"NO!" was the answer that was returned.
Very firmly, she replied, "I'm starting in five minutes, get your sixes out there!"
"Yes, madam" "Yes, sir" "Is that an order, Colonel?" "&#&& one size fits all" "Ready, Mac!"
Mac returned to the podium. The DJ played "Here She Comes Miss America"
"Now the event that we've been all waiting for. The evening gown competition parade!"
Bud was the first one out, he was dressed in the Madonna dress, greatly altered, thigh-high leather boots, and a long blonde wig. He strutted around like a rock star. The audience started laughing.
Next, Tiner flounced out, a sky-blue prom dress with layers and layers of netting. Underneath, he wore black combat boots with striped tights. A large bow was attached to the top of his hair. The audience started with the wolf-whistles and Brooklyn raspberries.
The next sight caused the audience to howl in laughter. The Admiral flopped out dressed in his black scuba gear, a camouflage netting tutu around his waist and pink ribbons tying his flippers on. He started dancing ballet steps, jumping and twirling around everywhere, his arms flying and flapping to the music.
Gunny was next and joined the Admiral in a very bad rendition of a pas-a-duex. Gunny was wearing a Mexican Jalisco dress borrowed from one of his sisters. The dress had layers and layers of frills and ribbons, the bodice was cut in an off-the shoulder style and Gunny padded the front for emphasis. In his hands, he carried two large fans which he used to flirt with the audience. The crowd was now laughing and yelling "More, more!" When Gunny was finished with his dance, he placed the fans on the podium.
Harm was next. Mac looked around and didn't see him, she walked stage-left and called. "What's keeping you? Harm, you're on next, hurry up!" Over stage-right, Harm queued the DJ to change the music.
Mac turned, wondering why the music suddenly changed. Harm strutted out dressed in a long sequined white evening dress, a white feather boa and long opera length gloves. He began to sing:
"Let me entertain you, Let me make you smile"
He walked over to Mac and gave her a bump and grind move
"Let me do a few tricks
Some old and then some new tricks"
He winked at the audience. Mac started to blush.
"I'm very versatile
And if you're real good
I'll make you feel good"
Harm took the feather boa and rubbed it suggestively around Mac. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Nice shade of red you're wearing Sarah." Mac got even redder.
"I'd want your spirit to climb
So let me entertain you"
Harm pulled off a glove and twirled it around his head and threw the glove to the audience. He did the same with the other glove. The audience was laughing uproariously. Tiner, Bud and Gunny were laughing so hard, they split a few seams in their dresses. "Look at the Colonel, she's one embarrassed Marine!"
"We'll have a real good time,
Yes madam!"
Harm continued to bump and grind, wiggled and waddled to the sexy music. The feather boa was the next to go, along with the high heels. An attractive woman wearing fishnets and four inch heels grabbed the thrown pair and ran out the backstage door, two security guards, one D.C policeman and a Domino's delivery boy in pursuit.
"We'll have...
A real good time!"
Harm queued someone off stage and "Rippp", his entire evening dress was pulled off. Quickly, Harm grabbed the fans from the podium to cover-up. Although he was wearing a flesh-toned Speedo, he wanted the female audience and Mac to think otherwise. The DJ change the CD to real sexy stripper music. Harm entertained with a funny rendition of Sally Ride's Fan Dance. Somewhere from inside the dress, he pulled out a cigar and added Groucho Marx's facial expressions to his routine.
Mac was frozen in place, she didn't know whether to laugh or cry but one thing was for sure, she was beet-red. Just when she though Harm was finished, he pretended to drop the fans. Mac and over half the female audience gasped and screamed-thinking the fans would drop to the floor. The fans were props and were firmly attached to the Speedo. Harm and the male audience rolling in belly laughter.
Alison and Harriet ran up to the podium, even more excited:
"We have an announcement. We're over five thousand dollars from last year!"
The crowd cheered and began to pledge more donations.
"The committee declares all the men are real beauties and are true winners and good sports."
Mac ran backstage looking for Harm, but ran into Sturgis and a video camera crew.
"What's the video camera crew for?"
"When I heard the Harm was going to be in a beauty contest, I had to get it on video tape"
"Why?", a very puzzled look was on Mac's face
"Well, when we were midshipmen at the Academy, we did a talent show to raise money for the reconstruction of an old boat house. Harm managed to get a stripper's costume and preformed a striptease. I ran a betting pool that Harm wouldn't do the strip tease. We raise a lot of money."
Mac's eyes were wide open, her jaw dropped, "And then what happened"
Sturgis continued, "We got caught in the gambling scheme and were almost thrown out of the Academy. Harm used his skills to talk the Commandant into community service-rebuilding the boat house on our off time. The Commandant's last words were "Mister, When you decide to stop playing Gypsy Rabb Lee, you should try being a lawyer. You're quite convincing."
Sturgis took a deep breath and went on: "When more and more of Harm's friends and shipmates heard about this striptease stunt, they said they would pay good money for a tape……….so………like PBS, if they contributed two hundred dollars, they're getting a Gypsy Rabb Lee Tape." Sturgis and Mac looked at each other and laughed.
Mac asked, "And Harm is OK with this video taping thing?"
"Well, Mac, there's a few details I didn't discuss with the "Gypsy Commander" yet" Stugis rolled his eyes and smiled sheepishly.
The audience was clamoring for all the contestants and participants to take one last bow on stage.
The attractive woman wearing the fishnet stockings and four inch heels ran back on stage. The stuffed leg she was carrying almost fell into the orchestra pit. Behind her, still trying to catch her, was two security guards, one D.C. policeman, a pool boy from the hotel-next door, one Domino's pizza delivery boy, a tall, Barbie-like man riding a Sedgway and five tourists with cameras. They all turned and took one last bow.
Mac walked out on stage with a big smile on her face. Harm walked up behind her, still dressed in the double fan prop costume and sporting the cigar.
Mac looked Harm in the eye and with a warning tone said: "You're in deep trouble, Mister. Just wait until I get you backstage!"
"Is that a promise?" Harm began waving the cigar ala Groucho-style
Harm looked at Mac's expression, he wasn't sure if he should run now or hide later. But one thing was for sure, he was in deep hot water with one very pissed female Marine.