Special #1
The Saotome Brothers
in
"The Case of the Contrary Jewel"
starring SCOTT D. MENVILLE as Kenma Saotome
CHARLIE ADLER as Ranma Saotome
LAUREN TOM as Shampoo
DIANNE PERSHING as Nabiki Tendo
JUNE FORAY as Cologne
ERIK VON DETTEN as Ryoga Hibiki
LYON SMITH as Tatewaki Kuno
ADAM WYLIE as Mousse
LACEY CHABERT as Ukyo Kuonji
GREY DELISLE as Akane Tendo
KATH SOUCIE as Kasumi Tendo
TERRY MACGOVERN as Djinn
GREG BERGER as Kenma's Internal Monologue/Detective Voice
RENÉ AUBERJONOIS as Soun Tendo
ED GILBERT as Genma Saotome
MICHAEL SINTERNIKLAAS as Hiroshi
JACKSON PUBLICK as Daisuke
music by JG Thirlwell & Kenji Kawai
animation by TMS Entertainment
The city of Nerima, Japan. They say it's tough here...but in order to survive, I had to be a whole lot tougher. Name's "Monkey" Saotome, but my pals call me Kenma.
That includes my brother. People call him Ranma. He's a good guy, but in the brains department, he's a couple cards short of a full deck. And yet, he somehow managed to get TWO girls. How is this? Don't ask me; I'm still trying to figure out how it happened to ME.
I might give 'im a bit of ribbing, but don't get it twisted. I care a whole lot about my brother-far as I'm concerned, he's some of the only family I got. If you been keepin' up, you'd know our old man is a lazy bum who'd rather mooch off our hard work instead of tryin' to make somethin' of himself. Genma "The Bottomless Pit" Saotome...Shifty S., El Sleazeball Grande. Those are just some of my more polite nicknames for 'im, but the rest I can't say in polite company. As for dear ol' Ma? Well, she's at least better off than her crappy husband, considering we met her recently.
But I've been ramblin' a little too long...you're probably wanting to know where the trouble started. Well, it all kicked off one morning. Ranma and I were headin' off to school, and of course, we had to bring along a certain pain. People call her "Akane"...Ranma calls her "uncute".
What do I call her? Well, I can't say THAT in public, either.
As Kenma and Ranma were on their way to school—Ranma, was, as always, running atop the fence—they overheard an approaching bicycle bell. And the all-too-familiar shout of "NIHAO!"
Ranma ducked out of the way as Shampoo leapt off her bike and barreled right into Kenma, knocking him off his feet and sending him tumbling to the ground (like a certain stuffed tiger did to his red-shirt-clad friend every day after school).
"Bet'cher happy to see me, huh?" Shampoo asked, tugging at Kenma's cheeks.
"Shure! Happier than a doshen clamsh!" Kenma grunted. "But I got shchool t'get to!"
"School?" Shampoo scoffed as she released Kenma's cheeks from her grasp. "PBBBT...! That's too-too boring! C'mon, we can go on a da~te!"
"And I would normally be all over that," Kenma said. "But if I don't get to school on time, I'll be stuck cleaning toilets for the whole week."
Yet another of Principal Kuno's demented declarations, undoubtedly. Clearly he'd made it up to annoy Ranma, but if it annoyed other students who showed up late? He didn't mind punishing them, too! Their aggravation was like entertainment to him.
"...aw, okay," Shampoo relented. "Go on t'school. But just for that, you owe me two dates to make up for it~!"
"I'll come through; I always do!" Kenma responded with a wink as he headed off, Ranma keeping time with him.
Akane just rolled her eyes as she picked up the pace and ran behind them.
You're probably curious about the beauty on the bike, right? Well, her name's Shampoo, and unlike the product she's named after, I can't get her outta my hair—but why would I want to? Shampoo's a little forward, but she's a peach. Great cook, very sociable, and always willing to hear me out...unlike some people who treat ya bad and cook worse!
Well, none of us even knew it at that time, but the love in Shampoo's heart would soon turn to icy-cold hatred...
That afternoon, Ranma, Kenma, Ukyo, Nabiki and Akane were on their way out of school. Ranma, as usual, was walking atop the fence. Kenma was puttering along on the Magic Cloud.
"Just what is it between you and Shampoo, anyway?" Akane grilled.
"What, like at the moment?" asked Kenma. "Distance. Time. Polygamy. Pick your poison."
"Kinda like what's going on between you and me and Lum, Ranma-honey," Ukyo grinned.
"Well, I think it's gross," remarked Akane.
"You're just saying that because you haven't even figured out your own issues," smirked Ukyo. "The two guys chasing after you are one who thinks he's a modern-day Miyamoto Musashi, and the other who could literally get lost on the way to the bathroom in his own house!"
Akane's face went red with irritation, and steam shot from her ears. "Upperclassman Kuno's just a nuisance! And Ryoga's just a friend!" she insisted.
"Yeah, a friend who wants the benefits," Nabiki smirked.
"If you'd just gone along with the stupid engagement, this wouldn't be an issue," Akane glared at Ranma.
"...nah, it would still be an issue," Ranma responded. "Besides, you ain't what I'd call pleasant to be around."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Akane catechized.
"It means that you go ballistic whenever people don't just bow their heads and letcha do whatever," responded Ranma. "And if you happen to do something wrong or lose some fight? The old men would round on me and spout off some BS that basically amounts to: 'Since you're her fiancee, you have to help defend her honor, and if she gets mad, then you MUST let her beat the shit out of you, but if you even think about getting even with her, we'll yell at you unless you accept being a punching bag!' Th' way I see it, I lucked out not being engaged to ya, or else I'd probably be contemplating some very dark thoughts."
"Are you saying you would've killed her, or killed yourself?" asked Kenma.
"...yes." Ranma stated grimly.
It was eerily quiet for a few minutes after that. Fortunately, the silence was broken up by a slowly growing sound.
"Does anybody else hear—" Kenma started.
POW!
The next thing he knew, his face was mashed into the front tire of Shampoo's bicycle.
"Why are you under my bike?" asked Shampoo.
Kenma was about to explode, but he inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. "...I wouldn't be under your bike, if you hadn't crashed it into me..." he finally spoke, forcing the words out like he was clenching his teeth.
For some strange reason, Shampoo began glaring at Kenma. "Then if that's all the business you've got with me..." she began, grabbing him by the shirt.
DOUBLE-WHAMMOWSKOWITSKI!
"HIT THE BRICKS, AND LEAVE ME BE!" she yelled, uppercutting Kenma straight into low Earth orbit.
Naturally, this left everyone surprised, including Ranma, Nabiki, and Ukyo.
"OK...what the hell was that?" asked Nabiki.
"I don't quite know..." Ukyo replied. "...but I've got a feeling it's gonna lead to big trouble."
As Kenma soared skyward, it left him ample time to ponder/monologue.
Blabberin' blatherskite...what in Japan was THAT all about? This morning Shampoo's sweet as an ice-cream sundae, and this afternoon she's all cold and no sweet! Did I do something wrong? Or did something happen to her? OK, Kenma...first thing to do is try to find something different about her. Wouldn't be the first time you've dealt with personality-altering objects...
I've been flying for quite a while, haven't I? Better call for backup before I hit the ground.
"NIIIIIM-BUUUUUUUS!"
In a whoosh of golden wind, the magic cloud came soaring to the rescue and caught Kenma right before he could splash-land in the koi pond of the Tendo Dojo.
"Thanks for the save, bright-eyes," Kenma complimented. "But like I said to myself a couple minutes ago, there's something going on with Shampoo. She isn't acting like herself, and we've got to investigate why!"
He pointed northward. "To the Cat Cafe, and pronto!" Kenma declared. The magic cloud puttered a response, and turned north, soaring off in that direction.
MEANWHILE, A FEW MINUTES AGO...
After Kenma got smacked skywards, Ranma decided that the next move would be to investigate, and start at the Nekohanten. After all, who would know better about Shampoo than ol' Granny Cologne? (Probably Mousse, but Ranma wasn't ready to try crossing THAT bridge.)
So he informed Ukyo that he was gonna go ask the old ghoul if anything had happened, and set off while Ukyo headed back to her place for work.
Nabiki walked home with Junichi, leaving Akane to walk home by herself.
The old ghoul probably knows what's going on; she's a tricky one like that, Ranma pondered. Had this happened a while ago, Ranma would've just rolled up his sleeves and gone after Shampoo himself. But experiences had taught him that sometimes you needed to use your head to get answers instead of your fists. And of course, this was one of those times.
Pushing the door open, Ranma strolled into the restaurant, and was immediately met by a bespectacled boy with long sleeves, long hair, and glasses with lenses three feet thick.
This guy's name is 'Mousse'. When he gets splashed with cold water, he turns into a duck, but he's real good at actin' like a Dodo! He's got glasses the size of magnifiers, yet he's still as blind as a bat half the time...sure would explain how he can't see Shampoo's got about as much interest in him as a dog in a flea.
"What do you want, Kenma?" snapped Mousse. "Shampoo isn't here."
"Wrong Saotome, lunkhead," Ranma retorted. "Anyone ever toldja you need to update your prescription? Two words: La. Sik."
Mousse adjusted his glasses, and saw who he was talking to. "Oh...hey, Ranma. What brings you here?" he asked.
What'd I tell ya? Guy's a friggin' chump.
"Something's up with Shampoo," stated Ranma. "And I figured if anyone would know, it's the old ghoul."
"Did someone mention me?" inquired a leathery old voice from the kitchen. The side door opened, and out emerged the very small, long-haired old woman dressed in green and carrying her walking stick. "Ah, son-in-law's brother. What brings you to our fine establishment?"
"I had some questions," Ranma explained. "And you might be the one with the answers for 'em."
"Ask away, then, boy."
Ranma sat down and looked the old woman right in the eyes. "Something is different with Shampoo."
"Different how?" asked Cologne.
"For one, this afternoon she acted like she couldn't stand Kenma," explained Ranma. "She crashed her bike into his face, and then punched him straight into the sky."
Cologne raised an eyebrow in curiosity. This definitely didn't sound like her great-granddaughter's usual behavior around someone she liked. Was she getting into that ridiculous tsundere behavior or something?
"And the look she shot him?" Ranma continued. "Hoo-wee! It was like the concentrated freezing power of the entire arctic itself was channeled into that withering glare!"
Angry, violent behavior...but Shampoo wouldn't usually do this sort of thing...Ah! Unless...
Flaaaash-backin'!
That morning, after Shampoo returned from her little bicycle outing, she walked in on Cologne, who was polishing a small pile of old jewelry and trinkets.
"I'm home, great-granny!" Shampoo called, before getting a look at the pile. "Whoa...! Those look so beautiful~!"
Cologne gave a wry chuckle. "I used to wear 'em back when I was your age," she responded. "In that day, most fellas couldn't keep their mitts offa me. But that's then, and this is now. Help yourself to any that might interest ya."
She picked up her cane, and pogoed away, leaving Shampoo alone with the table full of jewelry.
Glancing across the selection, the purple-haired girl suddenly took notice of a tiny, locked box on the table, and picked it up.
"What a funny box..." she muttered as she took a look. "There's a lock on it."
The lock, of course, didn't last much longer after Shampoo broke it off and opened the box. Inside of it was a small, green brooch that seemed to glow with an ethereal light.
"This brooch is so pretty!" Shampoo gushed, and she put it on.
Flashback sequence is now complete.
It figures... thought Cologne. Of all the baubles in that pile, she just HAD to find the box containing the Reversal Jewel, of all things! I thought it'd gotten lost for good! And judging from how Shampoo is acting, she must've put it on with the smile facing upside down.
"Well?" Ranma asked, jostling the Joketsuzoku elder from her thoughts. "Would you happen to have any ideas on why Shampoo's acting so oddly?"
If I told him I didn't know, odds are he probably wouldn't believe me, thought Cologne.
And so, she proceeded to inform Ranma of the Reversal Jewel and its abilities.
"...so that's what's going on with Shampoo?" the black-haired boy blurted.
Cologne nodded, before she reached into her left sleeve and pulled out an envelope. "And here's a little something to make sure you keep it between us," she responded as she slid the envelope over to Ranma. He caught it, turned it towards himself, and opened it up.
Inside the envelope were several yen bills that added up to ¥11,222,560 (in USD, it's $79,961.25). Ranma was undoubtedly flabbergasted; he'd never dreamed he would ever lay eyes on that much money in his entire lifetime.
"How did you get this?" he asked.
"The cafe's very lucrative," responded Cologne. "As well as a few odd jobs I dispatch Mousse on. Nothing you need to worry about."
"Ooookay...but why can't I tell Kenma?" asked Ranma. "I thought you wanted him and Shampoo to be together?"
"Think of this as a blessing in disguise, youngster," Cologne explained. "When chased, one runs. And when one runs, the other can not help but pursue. It is the way of human emotion."
"...but Shampoo and Kenma were already together," said Ranma. "This just feels kind of unnecessary."
"Well...it's a sort of insurance policy," Cologne continued. "This is to make sure that the boy is very invested in winning Shampoo over. And when it's said and done, the deal will be sealed."
"So you're just going to let this play out?" asked Ranma. "It'll be impossible for him to win Shampoo over if she only wants to cave his face in with her bare knuckles."
"Almost forgot to mention: when the brooch is turned right-side-up, it increases the love that the wearer already feels," explained Cologne.
"So every time she comes back, you'll turn it right-side-up; is that it?" Ranma inquired.
"Yep," Cologne nodded. "Now enough questions, alright? Besides, I know you need that money. Soun isn't exactly bringing home a paycheck, and I reckon that Nabiki girl has more than a few debts lodged against you that you've been needing to pay off."
Ranma glanced awkwardly off to the side, before he shook his head and pocketed the envelope. "Well, this has at least been...informative," he admitted. "But I think I'm due to head back to the Tendos."
"Do drop in again sometime, won'cha?" asked Cologne as she went back to work.
"Sure, sure," Ranma said as he got up and left the back office.
AT THAT MOMENT, IN THE MAIN DINING ROOM...
Shampoo was wiping down tables when Kenma walked into the restaurant.
"Nihao! Welcome to the—" Shampoo began as she turned to face the potential customer, only for her face to drop into a coldhearted scowl when she saw who it was. "...oh. It's you. What do YOU want? I'm busy here."
"What I want, Shampoo, is to figure out what's going on," responded Kenma. "Ever since this afternoon, you've been seriously pissed off at me, and I don't even know why. Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to make you mad?"
"Yes," Shampoo sniffed. "You came into my life."
Kenma was a bit taken aback by this. Wow...that kinda hurt, actually, he thought while he stumbled a little as he backed up.
"If that's all, then take off and go play in traffic," Shampoo snapped. "Some of us have to earn a living."
"I don't understand; you only started being mad at me this afternoon!" Kenma exclaimed, trying to salvage things as best he could manage.
"Maybe that was how long it took for me to wake up and smell the coffee," Shampoo retorted. "And that was when I realized how much I couldn't stand you."
"Look...whatever I did, I'm sorry, okay?" asked Kenma, getting on his knees. "But could you at least tell me just WHAT I did? That way I know what I'm apologizing for!"
"If you have to ask, you'll never know," Shampoo retorted as she took up an empty plate and smashed it over Kenma's head. "NOW GET OUT!"
And seconds later, the redheaded boy was thrown out, landing on his face.
"Blabberin' blatherskite..." Kenma grunted as he pulled himself up. "Whatever's going on, it doesn't make sense. And considering Shampoo would sooner crush my hands than tickle 'em, I have a feeling that it'd be safer to keep my distance until I figure out what's with her. But who knows how long THAT'D take?"
"Something buggin' you, Kenma?" asked a husky-sounding voice from nearby. Glancing over, Kenma saw who the voice was coming from.
The brunette is my first gal, my numero uno: Nabiki Tendo. Sure, she looks like an angel...but she's the devil in disguise. But brother, WHAT A DEVIL! Legs that go on for days, an ass that just won't quit, and the rest of her? A body that could drive any guy-and a few gals-absolutely wild. Sure, she tends to be a bit greedy, but it's all part of surviving life in this crazy town.
At this point, seeing her was nothin' short of a blessing.
"You could say that," Kenma replied.
"Wanna talk about it?" inquired Nabiki.
"If you're willing to listen," said Kenma.
Nabiki gave a nod and two thumbs-up, and so Kenma told the bizarre story of Shampoo's sudden switch while Nabiki hung on every word. By the time he was done, they had reached the Tendo Dojo.
"...and then, she threw me out," finished Kenma. "I know SOMETHING is wrong, but I don't quite know just what it is."
"Sheesh! That's awfully cold of her," winced Nabiki. "And they call me the 'Ice Queen'. Any idea what could've happened?"
"None whatsoever," responded Kenma. "Although...before she threw me out, there was something I noticed wasn't on her before. Might be a clue, might not be."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What would that be?" she inquired.
"This weird little brooch near her neck area," stated Kenma. "It was turquoise-colored and kinda shiny."
"I've probably been renting one adventure film too many..." responded Nabiki. "But maybe that's some kind of ancient Chinese relic."
"But how is it on Shampoo, if that's the case?" Kenma pondered, before they heard approaching footsteps at that moment. Coming towards the curb was Ranma, and he was clutching an envelope in his hands.
"Looks like we'll need to table that discussion for later," Nabiki replied. "Ranma's got something for us."
They both headed over and crowded around the black-haired boy. "So, what's this thing?" inquired Kenma.
"The old ghoul's bribe for supposedly keepin' my mouth shut," replied Ranma, before Nabiki grabbed the envelope and took a peek inside. The second she saw its contents, she suddenly found it very difficult to form coherent words in her mouth, and could only make incoherent babbling noises while her eyes twitched and her legs quivered.
"Nabiki? Are you okay?" asked Kenma, waving his hand before her eyes. The only response he received were more gurgling noises. "Glaghk...graaagh..."
"Is...is she okay?" Ranma queried.
"I think she's having a cash-gasm," Kenma responded. "I doubt she's seen that much money in her life."
Suddenly, Nabiki rocketed into the air with a shout. "EEEEEE-YAHOOOOOOO!" she bellowed out before floating down to the ground. "Dinero, simoleons, clams, scratch, moolah, buckaronis, wampum, lucre, dough, loot, shekels, gelt, rhino, gravy, boodle, greenbacks, coinage, cabbage...MONEY~!"
"...so, what did the old lady tell ya?" asked Kenma as he and Ranma went indoors.
And Ranma explained the whole thing: the Reversal Jewel, Cologne's shifty scheme...everything. Of course, listening in was a certain little black piglet.
So, with that brooch, I could give it to Akane as a present—then she'd be head-over-heels in love with ME! thought Ryoga. Then she throws Ranma to the curb and gets with the guy who's always been in her corner, the one supporting her ALL along! Then I won't have to keep hiding in this dopey piglet form anymore! Oh-ho, Ryoga, when it comes to planning, you go above and beyond!
Unfortunately, Ryoga wasn't the only one who was listening in; Mousse had also been dispatched, and was eavesdropping to snag this information for his own purposes.
A jewel that turns hatred to love? If I could get that, AND put it on the right way, Shampoo would FINALLY realize I'm the right guy for her! And poor widdle Kenma would be out on his butt!
From underneath the house crawled the Kuno family's manservant, Sasuke Saragakure, clutching a notepad and a pen.
"Master Kuno will be intrigued by these findings, no doubt..." he smirked as he hid himself under an empty basket and skittered away.
... ... ... ...
ONE EXPLANATION LATER...
"So THAT'S her little scheme, huh?" Kenma asked, his face reddening. "Well, I'll show the old biddy! Nobody, but NOBODY, plays Kenma Saotome for a chump an' gets away with it!"
"Whoa, brol It won't do much good to march off all half-cocked!" insisted Ranma. He then turned towards the camera. "...did I just say that?" he asked, in disbelief, before turning to face his brother.
"And why not?" inquired Kenma. "I've been played for a patsy, not to mention I was tricked to think I did something wrong!"
"...think about it, Kenny-baby," explained Nabiki. "If word about this jewel gets around, it'll bring all the weirdos out of the woodwork, and it'll get you and Ranma into an even bigger mess of trouble."
Kenma lifted his hand to expunge a retort...but he found that he had nothing to retort with; Nabiki's statement was spot-on.
"...okay, you make a good point," he relented. "But still, we hafta do SOMETHING to handle this problem!"
"We will, but we're gonna need a plan first," replied Ranma. "Besides, getting that Reversal Jewel won't exactly be a snap if Shampoo's always on-guard."
"True," replied Kenma. "But what if she WASN'T?"
"Do I detect the simmerings of a plan churning in your brain?" inquired Nabiki.
"Bits and pieces, but they're slowly taking form," Kenma stated. "For one, whenever Ryoga and Shampoo turn into their cursed forms, their clothes don't stay on, right?"
"...yeah..." nodded Ranma and Nabiki.
"Well, if we turned Shampoo into her cursed form, then she wouldn't be wearing the brooch!" Kenma said. "Her clothes would fall off, giving one ample time to remove the brooch from her outfit!"
"So all we'll need to do is turn Shampoo into her c-c-...cat form," Ranma gulped, trying to suppress the urges of fear that crawled up and down his spine.
"Don't worry, bro," said Kenma. "I'll handle the cat, you handle the water, and Nabiki & Ukyo will get the brooch."
"Sounds like a relatively simple plan," commented Nabiki. "Here's hoping it goes off without a hitch."
MEANWHILE, AT THE KUNO RESIDENCE...
Sasuke was giving his report to one Tatewaki Kuno, who listened intently.
"A 'reversal jewel', eh?" Kuno queried. "No doubt it could be what I need to undo the black magic of that repugnant sorcerer Saotome, and free my pig-tailed angel from his spell, as well as the fair Akane!"
"Of course, Master Kuno," nodded Sasuke as he got up. "I'll have your sword readied at once."
"By all means," Kuno replied, smirking to himself as his manservant exited the room.
You thought yourself so clever, so untouchable, did you not, Ranma Saotome? he thought. Well, you certainly weren't counting on the daring ingenuity of the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High putting a damper on your foul plans! This time, victory shall belong to the incomparable Tatewaki Kuno!
EYECATCH BUMPER:
Kenma in the middle, while the screen is split in half, with one Shampoo on each side. The left one is smiling warmly, while the right one is coldly glaring.
At the bottom left of the screen is the special's logo, with the words "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS!"
BUMPER 2:
Ranma, Kenma, and Ukyo are in a standoff with Ryoga, Kuno, and Mousse. The logo of the special is at the bottom of the screen, with the words "AND NOW...BACK TO THE SHOW!"
The next afternoon, the Saotome Brothers, as well as Ukyo and Nabiki, were heading to the Cat Cafe, ready to enact their plan.
"Are you sure this is gonna work, Ranma-honey?" inquired Ukyo.
"Sure it'll work," said Ranma. "And nothing's gonna stand in our way."
"Not today!" Kenma punctuated his brother's statement, keeping his hands in his pockets.
ELSEWHERE, IN ANOTHER PART OF JAPAN...
Ryoga was trekking down a sidewalk as he noticed he was surrounded by dozens upon dozens of people, all in a hurry to get to and from place to place. Spotting a man reading a newspaper, he ran over and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, but where's the Nekohanten?" he asked.
The man gave him a bemused look. "I dunno, but I know it's not here. This is Susukino, buddy." he replied before he went back to his newspaper.
Ryoga plotzed and fell over. "Damn it! This stupid sense of direction!" he groused.
Back with our main four, they drew closer to the Cat Cafe, confident that this would go off without a hitch. Too bad that in Nerima, most best-laid plans rarely go off perfectly.
"Hold, vile fiends!" bellowed Kuno as he emerged, clad head-to-toe in cumbersome, ancient shogun armor. "Let those women be, or thou shalt taste the fury of my blade!"
Ranma squinted for a few seconds. "...no way, is that Kuno?" he asked. "What's with the scrap-metal overcoat?"
"This, varlet, is the Kuno Family's warrior armor!" Kuno bellowed. "Forged by a great blacksmith whose name has been lost to the annals of time, it has been passed down from generation to generation...and I am the latest to wear it—to wield its fearsome power!"
"You look like you went clothes shopping at a junkyard, dude," Kenma replied. "Not to mention it looks insanely heavy."
"To the untrained eye, it looks cumbersome," Kuno scoffed. "But to a trained warrior like myself, this is mere child's play!"
"OK, then, Kuno-baby," said Nabiki. "Give it your best shot. Go on, and try to attack either Ranma or Kenma."
"Gladly," Kuno smirked. "AND NOW, FOUL SORCERERS, YOU SHALL KNOW YOUR DOOM!"
And he began charging—or at least, he was trying to. Due to how heavy all that metallic armor was, it only let him take one step every few minutes. Not to mention, each step left him incredibly winded. By the time he took his fifth step, he'd been sweating enough to fill two buckets, and there were quite a bit of sloshing noises that could be heard with each movement he tried to make.
Ranma and Kenma glanced at each other, then back at Kuno.
"Maybe I'll knock him over," said Ukyo. "Put him out of his—as well as our—misery, y'know?"
Ranma shrugged. "By all means, Ucchan. Go for it." he said, stepping aside.
"Thanks," Ukyo smiled before she stepped up, knelt down and picked up a rock. She tossed it up and down a few times to get a feel for its weight; then she drew her arm back, and pitched it straight at Kuno's chestplate.
The rock whizzed like a tiny bullet and shot right through the armor, knocking Kuno right out of it and sending him flying into a brick wall. The armor, despite being without a wearer, continued to stand where it was like a statue. A statue filled with two buckets' worth of sweat, but a statue nonetheless.
"...that...did...not...hurrrrrrrt...~*" Kuno groaned as he passed out, a new lump crowning his skull and tiny planets orbiting his head.
"Y'know, it's funny," said Kenma.
"You mean what just happened?" asked Nabiki.
"No...well, yes, what just happened was pretty funny, but not what I meant," Kenma explained. "Usually it takes a few minutes longer to deal with this guy. But this time it only took three minutes."
"Maybe we're getting better?" suggested Ukyo as she rejoined the group.
"Could be," shrugged Nabiki. "Anyways, we're burning daylight. We better get going before something else throws a wrench into the plan."
And off they went.
MEANWHILE, AT THE CAT CAFE...
"What? Whaddyou mean that Kenma's coming to propose?" asked Shampoo.
"That's right!" Cologne nodded. "Aren't you ecstatic?"
Shampoo glared like she had heat vision. "Personally, grandma, I'd rather be boiled alive while being force-fed asparagus!" she shouted.
"Ah, right, the brooch..." muttered Cologne, as she took her staff and knocked the brooch off. The second it was gone, Shampoo returned to her normal self.
"So Kenma's really coming to propose?" Shampoo beamed.
"That's right, honey," Cologne winked. "Th' both of ya are finally gonna be together forever."
Shampoo let off a sudden squee of delight. "Aiyaa~! This is so sudden...I'd better go get myself ready." she realized, before rushing up the stairs.
Cologne watched her great-granddaughter race upstairs, and then went under her desk, before pulling out Duck-Mousse from his carrying cage.
"Mousse, I'm going to give you a little job to carry out," she informed him. "If you can get it done right, then I'll be willing to completely overlook all of your idiotic attempts to get with Shampoo."
"WAAAK! WAAAK! WAAAAK!" Mousse squawked, flailing his wings, but he ceased flailing when Cologne ever-so-slightly tightened her grip on his neck.
"And I may just be willing to talk to my contacts in China about procuring some water from the Spring of Drowned Man," Cologne added. "If you do this right, you wouldn't have to go flapping about the town park in search of breadcrumbs, or living in fear that I might eventually have Shampoo serve you as the lunch special."
A cold sweat ran down Mousse's face. He immediately nodded in reply, and Cologne smirked.
"There's a good little duckling," she remarked. "Now, your job is to find Ranma and the others, and delay them, with one caveat: you are NOT to harm Son-in-Law. If you do, then all bets are off. Simply separate Kenma from his friends, so that he may have a better opportunity to go on ahead."
Mousse relented and nodded again before he grabbed his coat and ran into the bathroom. One splash of hot water later, he was back to his human form, and out the door.
No doubt Ranma has told Son-in-Law and that mercenary girl, and they're on their way, thought Cologne. Well, I say let them come. Once son-in-law is here, everything shall be ready—and then it will be too late for him to try getting out of it.
That being done, Cologne sent off the last of the 'wedding invitations', and got started on preparing the main room for the ceremony.
Back with our group, they were still on their way to the Nekohanten.
"Any other obstacles we should be expectin'?" asked Ukyo.
"Considering the kind of shit that usually happens?" replied Nabiki. "I'd say either Kuno's wacko sister, Happosai on another of his panty raids, or..."
Suddenly, a smattering of smokebombs were dropped before the group, exploding on contact!
"...or Mousse," said Ranma, while coughing at the smoke. "Almost forgot Mousse."
"That is your mistake, Ranma Saotome," declared the nearsighted boy. "And it's gonna be your last!"
"Alright, bifocals," Ukyo said as she drew out her spatula. "Now you're getting yours!"
"I got you, Ranma," said Kenma as he managed to see a nearby sidewalk and led Nabiki over. "Just gotta get Nabiki to a safe distance, and I'll be back in the fight."
"No way!" Ranma replied as he avoided a flying chain aiming for his neck. "Ucchan and I can handle this. You and Nabiki, get to the cafe."
"...alright; good luck, dude." said Kenma as he led Nabiki away.
Ranma sighed, and turned back towards the confrontation he was currently locked into.
LATER, AT THE CAT CAFE...
Cologne had managed to prepare an enormous wedding feast, which was being eyed at and drooled over by all the guests who'd come to attend.
"Hide under the tables," she instructed. "And don't come out until Kenma says 'I love you' to Shampoo."
The guests were a little confused by this, but they didn't want to jeopardize the chances of getting to partake in the wedding banquet, so they went along with what they were told.
Shampoo returned downstairs, now dressed in a golden-yellow floor-length cheongsam, wearing hair decorations and some lipstick. "Well...how do I look, great-grandmother?" she asked, doing a little spin.
Cologne looked her up and down. "Like how I used to when I was your age," she smirked. "If you'd have grown up in my childhood, those village boys wouldn't be able to look at'cha without trippin' all over their fool selves! In a word, perfect!"
She led Shampoo over to a loveseat in the middle of the restaurant and sat her down. "Remember, child; you mustn't smile or speak until he admits his love for you." Cologne explained.
"Well...alright," Shampoo nodded. "But Kenma already loves me. What's with all this fanfare?"
"It's just a bit of insurance, is all." Cologne assured her great-granddaughter. "I'd better go join the others; that fried chicken smell is drivin' my stomach wild, and I need to distract myself."
And she shuffled off under a nearby table, leaving Shampoo by herself on the loveseat.
Two minutes later, the door swung open, and there, standing in the doorway wearing a fedora and suit, was Kenma.
"...hey...Shampoo..." he panted as he came inside and took a knee. "...if it's not too much trouble, could I get...some water? It took me a while to get here...and I...am parched..."
Shampoo handed him a small cup and a pitcher full of ice water. Kenma took the cup, filled it, and poured it down his throat.
"Ahhh...re-freshing," he sighed as he wiped his face off and joined the chinese girl on the loveseat. "So...Shampoo, I came here for something very important. But considering how you've been acting towards me recently, I don't know if you'd be willing to listen."
Shampoo remained stationary on the seat, but inwardly she was confused. How I've been acting? What does he mean?
"I mean, ever since you got that brooch, you've been so hostile towards me; I mean, yesterday you purposely ran me over with your bike, and sent my skyward with an uppercut!" Kenma went on before taking another drink from the pitcher. "From how you acted, I started to think that you hated me now. But that's just it: the thing is, I love you. And...even if you don't feel the same way anymore, nothing's gonna change about how I feel."
Shampoo was trying to keep this up, but in the end her emotions won out. As Kenma finished talking, she immediately wrapped him in a bear-hug.
"IT NOT TRUE!" Shampoo bawled, switching back to her broken English. "SHAMPOO NEVER HATE KENMA! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! SHAMPOO LOVE KENMA WITH ALL HER HEART!"
Suddenly, all the tables in the front flung their cloths off, revealing dozens of people underneath. A split ball on the ceiling broke open, revealing the word 'CONGRATULATIONS!' written on its banner. Amidst the crowd, Nabiki slipped in and managed to blend in.
There was cheering and applauding heard all around, and a few people even took pictures. Kenma paid it no mind, however, as he continued to face Shampoo.
"...then where'd you get that brooch?" he asked.
"Found it in great-grandmother...I mean, I found it in great-gramma's collection of old trinkets," Shampoo replied as she returned to her proper english dialect.
"That's what I thought," Kenma said as he hugged Shampoo and gave her a little kiss on the forehead. "Now, please excuse me. Your grandmother and I need to have a civil little chat."
Shampoo nodded as she wiped her eyes, letting Kenma walk to the back of the restaurant. Once he arrived, he immediately kicked the door to the kitchen open.
"COLOGNE, YOU DRIED-UP OLD BAT!" he thundered. "GET OUT HERE, THIS INSTANT!"
A few seconds later, Cologne arrived in the kitchen. "You bellowed, son-in-law?" she asked.
"Damned right I did! And do not call me that; I am NOT your son-in-law!" Kenma spat. "You played with my emotions and made me believe that I had done something wrong! And if there's one thing I absolutely LOATHE, it's being played for a chump!"
"How was I supposed to know you wouldn't get swept up by some hussy at the last minute?" Cologne retorted.
"Because Shampoo, Nabiki and I have a mutual understanding," Kenma glowered. "But you couldn't just get rid of the brooch and be done with it, couldn't you? Noooo, you had to turn this into some tawdry scheme to rope me into marriage. And there's the second problem: I'm not OLD enough to be married, I'm still a teenager! The whole situation is that Nabiki, Shampoo and I will date for 6 years, and once we get to 22, then we get married. But once again...you just had to meddle in things."
"Can you really blame a grandmother for wantin' only the best for her granddaughter?" asked Cologne.
"Maybe not, but I can blame her for making things more complicated than they're supposed to be," Kenma replied. "You've BEEN meddling ever since you came here, and I'm really mad. First it was that Phoenix Pill nonsense...then it was that Breaking Point...but the mayhem stops here!"
"I couldn't have said it better myself, Bro," said a voice. As Kenma turned around, he saw Ranma and Ukyo coming into the kitchen behind him. The spatula-wielding girl threw something to the ground in front of Cologne's staff; it was the beaten, bruised body of Duck-Mousse, his glasses broken in one frame and his tongue dangling from the side of his beak, not to mention both eyes were blackened.
"Mousse..." Cologne shook her head. "That's what I get for trusting HIM to get a job done..."
"Is this really the best you had to throw at us, Granny?" inquired Ukyo. "Personally, I'm disappointed, but that's neither here nor there."
"Y'know, old ghoul, I'm definitely sore at you right now," said Ranma. "I ain't been at first, because I thought you only wanted the best for my brother an' Shampoo...but then, you go and pull THIS garbage."
"You little blabbermouth..." glowered Cologne. "Why, I oughta—"
But Kenma cut her off. "You oughta be ashamed of what you did. I don't care WHAT intentions you had; what you did was nothing short of repugnant," he spat, his words like poison. "I'm gonna tell you something, granny, and you better remember it: sometimes the best thing you can do is sit back and let things grow for themselves. Don't try making shortcuts to the endgoal, or else you're just gonna get screwed over in the long run. And personally, I'd appreciate it if you didn't butt into my life or your granddaughter's love life ever again."
He turned to face Ukyo and Ranma. "Guys? It's time to go," he said as he exited the kitchen. "Shampoo? ...you take care of yourself, alright? You might be a little forward, and have a tough time understanding the concept of personal space...but you're a good person," he told the chinese girl. "Besides...I imagine your granny has some 'splainin to do."
Grabbing the trays of noodles and fried chicken, Kenma dumped them both into carryout bags, and let Ranma, Nabiki, and Ukyo catch up before they exited the restaurant.
"...what did Airen mean?" asked Shampoo, turning back to face Cologne.
"Shampoo, I don't know what he could be referring—" Cologne began, but she was cut off by her great-granddaughter slamming one of her meteor hammers in front of her.
"Great-grandmother...tell Shampoo truth. NOW." she glowered.
And as Cologne explained what had happened, Shampoo's eyes grew wet with tears as her fists quivered. Seeing this, the guests of the restaurant decided that the smart choice would be to leave right away, and did just that after grabbing as much food and drink as they could.
"So all this time...Kenma thought I hated him...because of what YOU did?!" Shampoo yelled, her eyes like fiery coals.
Now Cologne felt lower than a centipede's heels. "Shampoo...please, try to understand; I did this for YOUR sake..." she started.
"NO! I WANT YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY LOVE LIFE!" Shampoo thundered. "曾祖母…我恨你! [Great-grandmother...I HATE YOU!]"
Then, the teary-eyed, purple-haired girl ran upstairs, the last thing heard being a door going SLAM! By this point, everyone else had cleared out of the Nekohanten, leaving Cologne all by herself, in the proverbial mire of the mess she had created and let grow out of control.
With a sigh, she got started on cleaning up after the 'ceremony'. With only herself sweeping, it was definitely not going to be such an easy job.
AND SO, AN HOUR LATER...
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN KENMA ALMOST GOT MARRIED?!" bellowed Soun and Genma.
"That's all I'm saying on that matter, because I knew you two would react in your normal, explosive manner." Nabiki replied as she left the living room.
"The nerve of that boy!" Genma remarked. "Doesn't he realize he's got a duty, just like his brother?!"
"Honestly, Saotome, children are a strange lot," agreed Soun. "Where is he, anyways?"
"...I don't know, actually..." Genma replied.
The boy in question was up on the roof of the dojo, gazing up at the sky and eating the fried chicken he'd taken from the restaurant in quiet contemplation. The events that had transpired over the past day and a half were still fresh in his mind.
Well, I know I definitely can't trust Cologne anymore; she's just too shifty, he thought to himself. But what about Shampoo? Can I even trust HER? I mean...I know I love her, but...
His thoughts were interrupted when he overheard someone's footsteps approaching. Glancing behind, he saw that Ranma was also joining him up on the roof.
"Hope you don't mind some company," his brother told him.
"Nah, not at all," replied Kenma. "At this point, your company is greatly appreciated."
"Cool," said Ranma as he settled down next to his brother. "...so, how're ya holdin' up?"
"Not too good," said Kenma. "After all this, I don't exactly know if the Amazons are trustworthy. I mean, Cologne went through ALL that trouble, and for what? To trap me into marrying her great-granddaughter right outta the gate. She's been doing that kinda crap ever since she reared her wrinkled head. And considering that she raised and trained Shampoo...I'm not fully sure if I can trust her anymore."
Suddenly, he felt Ranma's hand on his shoulder. "I don't know much about love, but I at least know this much: Shampoo really DOES love you," Ranma insisted.
"Yeah?" inquired Kenma, raising a brow.
"If she was only pursuing you because of her amazon code, would she have put in the effort of makin' you breakfast every morning?" asked Ranma.
"...no, I suppose not," replied Kenma.
"And she definitely wouldn't be getting up in your personal space whenever she could if she was only doing this to catch a husband for the sake of some law," added Ranma.
"Alright...that's also a great point," nodded Kenma.
"So, all I'm saying is try to have a little faith in her, okay?" Ranma vociferated.
Kenma's look of uncertainty turned to a more assured smile. "...okay. I think I can do that," he responded.
"Great. Now...c'mere," said Ranma, holding his arms out.
Kenma looked at him like he'd grown a second head. Was his brother actually offering him a hug? Ranma Saotome, the guy who wasn't exactly used to stuff like hugging, due to it being considered 'un-manly'?
"What do I gotta do, send you an engraved invite?" Ranma asked. "Take the hug already, man!"
Kenma shrugged, put his arms out, and hugged Ranma back, patting his back a couple of times.
"How touching!" snapped an all-too-familiar voice from below. "Brings a tear to your eye, don't it?"
"Truly a tender moment," replied another familiar voice. "A pity it is between two foul entities like yourselves."
Ranma and Kenma broke off the hug, recognizing both voices.
"Nice of you to finally join us, Ryoga," Ranma remarked. "Where'd you head off to this week?"
Ryoga's face flushed red. "N-none of your damn business!" he spat. "Just gimme that stupid reversal jewel thing!"
"It's gone," Kenma retorted. "Nobody's gonna see it again."
"Spoken like the lying varlet thou art," Kuno remarked. "Hand it over so that I might free the pigtailed girl from Saotome's wicked sorcery!"
Both Saotome brothers looked at each other.
"So...how you feeling now?" asked Ranma.
"Good, but you know what'd make me feel WAY better?" inquired Kenma.
"Kickin' these guys' butts?" Ranma replied.
Kenma chuckled. "Well, whaddya know? Our psychic link must be better than I thought." he remarked. "Let's get 'em."
"Right," nodded Ranma. And then, both brothers hopped down to the ground and lunged at their opponents...
A LITTLE WHILE LATER...
Kuno and Ryoga were both in hospital beds, their arms and legs clad in bandages and casts after their little scuffle with the Saotome brothers. Sasuke, naturally, had shown up to comfort his master while he was getting his bed rest; while for Ryoga, Akane had gone to the hospital to check up on him and insisted on everyone else coming along.
Ranma and Kenma, of course, were more than eager to come along, but not for any well-wishing, no sir. This was to send a message.
So of course Ryoga's blood ran cold when he heard a familiar voice: "How ya holdin' up there, Porky?"
"R-r-ranma...!" Ryoga stammered, using what little strength he had to turn his head in the direction of the boy's voice.
"Just figured we'd pay you a visit and see how you're doin', is all~" Ranma smirked as he plucked an apple from the fruit bowl and took a big wet bite out of it. "Y'know, if you keep your arms like that, people might start thinking you're a cactus."
"Y-you sneak, Ranma! Where's the honor...in fighting me with your brother?" Ryoga managed to say, before he got a second apple jammed in his mouth.
"Cram it, piggy," snapped Ranma. "Most of the time, you had my 'honor' to save you from having your little secret exposed...and you always took advantage. Well...no more of that. So once you get out of the hospital, I suggest you watch yourself...never know when I might be looking for some more payback."
"Mmmph! MMMPH!" Ryoga yelped, his heart pounding in his chest.
"Welp, I do enjoy these little chats we have, but we gotta be going," Ranma said as he went over to Ukyo. "Shall we?"
Ukyo nodded. "We shall," she agreed as the both of them left the hospital room.
Meanwhile, Kenma strolled over to Sasuke and leaned over to his ear. "Y'know, while your so-called master is out of commission, you COULD go back to the mansion and treat yourself for the day. Hell, you could probably even take a nap in his bed...but ya definitely didn't hear it from me. This conversation never happened."
Sasuke seemed to take this into consideration. "A thousand pardons, Master Kuno, but I'd better get home and tend to the garden," he told Kuno. "Those plants won't water themselves, y'know."
And before Kuno could say anything else, Sasuke took off in the blink of an eye.
His job finished, Kenma went over to Nabiki. "So...you have anything planned for the rest of the day?" he asked her.
"We could spend it having a little fun of our own," Nabiki replied. "I'll even wear that leopard-print bikini you like so much."
Kenma's face went bright red as some steam shot from his collar. "Well...with an offer like that, who'd wanna refuse?" he asked with a smile as they linked arms and left the hospital room.
So, that's our story: the long and short of it, really. It was a massive mess of mischief and mayhem, as well as misunderstandings...but in the end, the threads were untangled, and everything was straightened out. Sure, it's true that this city is tough, and in order to survive you have to be tougher...but sometimes it doesn't hurt to have your friends with ya. Because who knows? They might be your best chance of making it, when you live in a place like Nerima.
終わり/The End.