Authors note: I know some of you are convinced that Dean is alive somewhere. I hate to tell you this but he is indeed very dead so his story will only be told in flashbacks and memories. Please don't hate me. Sometimes life doesn't give you second chances.

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Chapter 3 : Begging for an explanation.

Sam was stunned, absolutely stunned when he looked at the man who called him by name. This man before him was painfully thin, clean shaven, with his hair buzzed to almost non existence. What struck Sam the most was the absolute lack of hope and joy in his eyes. Even as Sam sat down across from him until he opened his mouth Sam was not yet convinced it was his father. This man looked so lost. Sam looked at his eyes and saw the truth. The great John Winchester sitting in front of him was a man reduced, demoralized, and destitute of all things that mattered in the world.

"Dad….." Sam said again unable to find words to say anything else. As John looked up at him he gave Sam a sad smile that barely registered on his face.

"You'd better call your brother and let him know where you are. You know how much he worries about you." John's voice was hoarse from lack of use. Sam was stunned by what his father said and for a moment hope reared it ugly head again. Then Sam remembered the obituary and what the Doctor had told him. It was obvious his father had never dealt with Dean's death adequately and so therefore was still assuming Dean was still alive somewhere else.

"Maybe that's the only way he can deal with it," Sam thought to himself. The pain of knowing Dean was dead seemed too much for his father to handle. Sam was at a loss of words to say next. Should he pretend that Dean was alive somewhere on a hunt, or should he talk his father as if he knew Dean was dead? He wished Doctor Katchen were still around so he could ask his advice. The last thing he wanted to do was cause his father further pain but if he didn't ask him what happened to his brother he may never find out the real story.

Sam had to know what happened to his brother.

"Dad what happened to Dean?" he asked as gently as he could manage. Fear and loss flashed suddenly in John's eyes and for a moment Sam regretted asking his father the question. Seconds passed and what little remained of John Winchester seemed to disappeared again in the man who sat now in front of Sam. Sam clung to the hope that somewhere inside his father's memories was the real story of what happened to his brother. He tempted fate again.

"Dad please, you have to remember. What happened to Dean? I have to know." Sam lowered his head so his eye level matched his fathers. Sam held his breath and looked intently at his face as he waited for John to return to himself. For a moment John almost panicked. He looked at Sam with wide eyes that suddenly brimmed with tears.

"I never meant anything to happen to you boys." John looked past Sam as if he was looking to a different world. "I never thought …" Sam looked into his fathers eyes and knew he had lost him again as John sat still, staring blankly in front of him. Sam reached over and gently touched his hand. The reaction was immediate and not what Sam expected. John grabbed his hand back as if Sam's touch burned him. Sam sat back shocked by his father's reaction.

"Jesus what the hell!" he mumbled to himself before getting up out of the chair and walking a few feet away. John sat holding his hand giving Sam a distrustful look. Sam turned around and looked back at his father.

"Don't you ever touch me again." John voice was low and full of anger and fear. "You got me once but you will never get me again." Sam was shocked and confused by his father's behavior. As he started back towards the table John suddenly jumped up from his seat glaring at Sam. Sam held up his hands and stopped moving towards his father. Glancing around Sam saw several of the orderlies look over in their direction. As they started to approach Sam waved them off.

"It's okay. It's okay." He said to the orderlies not wanting to frighten his father further. They stopped but continued to watch the pair closely. Sam gestured towards his father's empty seat.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Please sit down again." He spoke with a soft and non threatening tone to his father. John continued to eye him suspiciously but returned to his seat.

"Dad you have no reason to be afraid of me, I'm your son. I would never hurt you. I'm here to help." Sam once again sat in the chair across from his father. John folded his hands and lowered his head.

"You're not my son, my son is dead" his voice spoke with grief-stricken pain. Once again Sam wished the Doctor were nearby.

"Dad it's me. It's Sammy." He was almost pleading with his father to see him.

John raised his head and once again examined the face in front of him. Recognition came slowly but it eventually came. He gave Sam a bigger smile than the first time.

"Sammy is that really you?" Sam could hear the relief in his voice.

"Yeah Dad it's me, how you doin'?" Sam smiled back. John looked around at his surroundings.

"They think I'm nuts son. Can't say I can really blame them." he chuckled for a moment then he stopped "How the hell did you find me?"

"I got a call from your Doctor. They started calling all the numbers you last called on your cell phone and apparently I was the last once. They had to do some research cuz I haven't had that number in years but they finally found me." Sam explained.

"Then I guess that explains a few things." John said once again laughing to himself.

"What's that Dad?"

"Why the hell you never answered any of my phone calls. I just assumed you were still pissed as hell at me and was ignoring them."

"But you kept calling me anyways Dad, even when I never answered, why?" Sam asked

"Because I kept hoping that some day, some day, you would forgive me and answer. Because sometimes I was so damn lost I didn't know if I was coming or going. Because I missed you and just wanted to hear your voice again." John's confession shook Sam. "Because I knew I had lost one son and prayed everyday I hadn't lost my other son and then you never answered and I knew it was my entire fault."

Oh my god Dad, it's not just your fault. In the beginning I did ignore your calls just as I ignored Dean's calls as well. I was just so damn angry at you. I thought if you really didn't want me back then I didn't want to come back either. My stupid pride Dad, all these years…" Sam's voice trailed off as his own tears welled up in his eyes. This time John reached across the table and took Sam's hand. Sam felt his father's gentle squeeze and returned it.

"What a pair we are son. In the end it cost us the things that are most precious to us. It cost us each other. It cost us Dean." John's voice trembled at the memory of Dean's death.

"Dad, Dad don't let it kill me..., Dad please..."

Sam watched as pain and memories clouded his father's eyes again. John turned his head unable to face his youngest son any longer. Sam had the right to ask what happened to his brother but John didn't know if he could bear to watch his remaining son's eyes as he finally learned the truth. Memories of that awful day flooded his consciousness.

He was captured and held hostage by minions of the demon that had killed his wife. Dean, being the hunter he was, ignored the obvious dangers as he tried to rescue his father. What Dean didn't know, and had no way of knowing, was that John was possessed by the demon that killed his mother, when he rescued him. Trapped inside his own body John could only watch as the demon tortured his son. The joy the demon felt as John's pain radiated through his body was pleasure beyond anything it had ever known. When it was sure it had caused maximum suffering it left John's body leaving him laying on the floor next to his dying son. John crawled to Dean and gathered him up in his arms. Blood flowed from the terrible wounds the demon had inflicted on him. That John had inflicted on him. Dean's eyes opened and locked on his fathers.

"Dad…" his voice barely a whisper. His eyes wide with fear as he sensed his body weakening. He began to struggle.

"Easy son. Don't try to talk." John clutched him tighter trying to will away the pain. Dean started gasping for breath as blood began to fill his lungs. "It's okay son, I've got you. It's okay."

As Dean's breaths began to weaken, John thought about all the things he wanted to say to his son. He wanted to beg forgiveness for all the times he wasn't the father he should have been. He wanted to tell his son how proud he was for the man he had become. He wanted to apologize for forcing him into a life of vengeance instead of the life he should have had. He wanted Dean to know how sorry he was that he drove his brother away never to return. Instead he said the one thing he should have said so many years before.

"I love you son."

With his last breath Dean heard his father's words and rewarded him with a gift he didn't deserve. He looked up at his father one last time and smiled before closing his eyes forever.

John suddenly began sobbing as he struggled with pictures in his head. Sam got up, ran around to his father's side, and knelt down in front of him.

"Dad what is it? Tell me." Sam's eyes brimmed with his own tears now as he watched his father fall apart.

"Sammy I'm so sorry…..." he said gasping between sobs.

"It's alright Dad. It's alright" Sam tried to comfort his father but was at a loss as to what to do under the circumstances. His father was strongest man he had ever known and to see him, as he was right then, was un-nerving to Sam. As he tried to calm his father down he was unprepared for what his father confessed to next.

"I killed him Sammy. I killed your brother."

Sam stood back unable to believe what he father was saying. His mind reeling as it digested words too terrible to imagine.

"No Dad no, that's just not possible." It had to be a lie. His father was obviously distraught and didn't know what he was talking about. Sam knelt down in front of his father again waiting for some sort of further explanation. When John stayed silent Sam reached for his fathers face and looked into his eyes again. For a brief moment Sam thought he was going to get all the answers to his questions but that hope was dashed quickly as his fathers eyes clouded over and he retreated back inside his mind again.

"Oh Dad…." Sam leaned over and hugged his father to him and they stayed that way until Sam finally pulled away. He pulled his chair closer to his fathers and sat next to him hoping John would come around again. After an hour of painful silence, Sam got up, gently rubbed his fathers head, and left him sitting in the visiting room. Heading out of the ward he stopped at the Doctor's office and knocked on the door.

"Come in" Sam heard the Doctors voice call from inside. Looking up as the door opened the Doctor waved Sam to the chair in front of his desk again noting Sam's distress immediately.

"I tried to warn you about your father's condition. Was he able to answer any of your questions? He opened John's file again and started to write some more notes as Sam leaned back in the chair.

"What happened to him Doctor Katchen?" Sam took a deep breath. His father's words still echoing in his head.

"I'm not sure Sam. There seems to be several years missing between now and when your brother died. I've been in contact with a few other people who's numbers were also in your fathers cell phone. There's a woman, a Missouri Mosley, who lives in Lawrence Kansas. She and I spoke briefly earlier today after I spoke with you. Apparently she and your father have been friends for quiet some time and remembered you and your brother. Perhaps you should speak with her. I can give you her number if you want. She also suggested that you stop and visit her on your way back home. She wanted me to tell you that's where your brother is buried." The Doctor wrote down Missouri's phone number and handed it to Sam.

"Next to my mother probably." Sam spoke softy as he took the offered paper. He knew Dean wouldn't actually be in the grave next to his mother's anymore than is mother was actually in her grave. Fire had a way of destroying a human body leaving only fragments and certainly an explosion wouldn't have left much of his brother either. John explained once many years ago that the reason their mother had a grave was at the request of her family so they had a place to visit. Perhaps they had done the same about Dean though Sam doubted his father had had any contact with them after all these years. Truly Sam had as little memory of his mother's family as he had of his mother. He chalked it up to one more thing missing in his life.

"Doctor it's getting late, do you think I can stop by again and visit my father tomorrow?" Sam grimly asked almost not willing to face John again.

"Do you think it will help?" The Doctor didn't want to raise any false hopes of a quick cure. John Winchester was a very ill man and his son was a very desperate one. Until his father started to get better Doctor Katchen held out little hope Sam would do him any good just hanging around. Sam looked at the Doctor and knew the answer immediately.

"Doctor I want to stay but if you think there's no point to it then I'm just gonna head back home tomorrow. I just wanted….I just needed, you know, to find out what happened to my brother. My father told me some things but I can't believe they are true."

"And what was that Sam?" maybe Sam could be of some help after all, the Doctor thought.

"He told me he killed my brother. I just can't believe that Doctor Katchen. My father would have never harmed either one of us. Put us in dangerous situations, sure, but actually kill one of us. I just can't believe it."

"But if what your father told you was even remotely true, Sam, then that would certainly explain some of your father's behavior. Guilt is a powerful crippling emotion. Clearly your father is having trouble dealing with your brother's death whether he is the cause of it or not. Do you want my advice?" The Doctor put down his pen leaned over towards Sam.

"You're gonna tell me to go home aren't you?" Sam said looking back at the Doctor.

"Yes you should go home but I think you need to make one stop first."

"What you mean is, you think I should stop in Lawrence, don't you?" Sam mulled the idea before waiting for the Doctor's answer.

"Yes Sam. Perhaps you can use this trip as some sort of closure for you. Talk to your father's friend. Go visit your brother's grave and say your good byes. This loss is traumatic and you need to find a way to deal with it or you will end up like your father." The Doctor explained.

"I'm gonna call my wife and tell her I'm coming home early. I'm not sure I want to stop in Lawrence, Doctor Katchen. I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet, maybe someday. Will you promise to keep me up to date on my father's condition?"

"You have my word Sam." Sam stood up satisfied he had done all he could for his father. Still he hated to go back home without knowing the whole truth behind his brothers death. He offered his hand and the Doctor took it solemnly.

"Son your father is getting the best treatment possible. I promise to do everything I can to return him to the father you once knew."

" I know you will Doctor Katchen. I'll check with you in a few days okay just to see if there have been any changes in his condition."

"I look forward to your calls." The Doctor watched as Sam headed to the door, his hands tucked in the suits pockets.

As Sam walked out of the hospital he clutched the piece of paper the Doctor had given him. Part of him wanted to call this woman and part of him wanted to leave Pennsylvania and forget he ever answered the phone that morning. It was late and he was exhausted by the day's events. Desperately needing some sleep he decided he would make that decision in the morning.

Tbc

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Authors note: Okay so I added a touch of canon to this chapter just to tie it into my story. Thanks for reading.