Chapter 4: Do I really want to go?
Sam woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. Having spent the better part of the night tossing and turning, the lack of sleep was catching up with him. He couldn't let go the images of his father crying, defeated, and alone.
"I killed him, Sammy. I killed your brother."
The words echoed in Sam's head all night long. How could his father have killed Dean? What could have happened that would have made their father think he was responsible for his brother's death. So many unanswered questions. So many unanswered questions he wasn't sure he wanted answers to. He knew he had to call the one person who could help him decide what to do. He flipped open his cell phone and called home. After a few rings a tired voice picked up. Sam immediately looked at the clock and realized it was 5:00 am California time.
"Aw honey I'm so sorry I didn't mean to wake you up." He said instantly apologizing.
"Sammy, what's the matter honey? What time is it?" she said sitting up in bed switching on the light on the nightstand. Her questions were met with cold silence.
"Sammy what's the matter? Are you ok?" her heart started to race as she waited for some acknowledgement from her husband. "Sammy talk to me…."
"I saw him Jess." He said almost afraid to continue. The minute he heard her voice he knew he was going to lose it and he was right. Jess could hear him struggling to control himself.
"It's okay sweetie. You saw your Dad, is he okay?" She knew Sam was going to have a rough time with this but his breaking down was not what she had expected.
"Nooooo…" he said as he started to sob. "Jess you should have seen him. That man…I don't know who that man is but he's not my father, at least not anymore. They found him living on the streets Jess. He was homeless and wandering around on the streets. How could my Dad be homeless? Where are all his friends? How could they let him fall through the cracks? How the hell did he let his life get so fucked up?" Jessica heard the anger now creeping into his voice and then Sam fell silent. He sat on the motel bed and cried a little longer as he envisioned his father lost and alone.
"What does this Doctor say about his condition, Sammy?" Jess asked hesitantly but desperate to help her husband calm down.
"He thinks it's some form of delayed stress syndrome that maybe started after Dean died. Then he said something about Dad being bi-polar manic depressive or what ever the hell that means. Jesus Jess, he thinks my dads' crazy." Sam spoke calming down finally.
"What do you think honey?"
"I saw him, he really needs help Jess, some serious damn help. If he can't get it there I don't know where he can get it. This Doctor, he seemed to know what he was talking about, at least he had a lot of diplomas on his wall. Damn Jess, I don't know what to do." Sam sat with his head in his hand with the phone up to his ear.
"You gonna go back to the hospital today?"
"I'm not sure. The Doctor doesn't think that my being there can help Dad. If I go back again today it might even make things worse. I don't know, I want to see him again. I need to know Jess, what the hell happened to Dean. Only Dad knows for sure….." He stopped suddenly hearing his father's words echo in his head again
"I killed him, Sammy. I killed your brother."
And he started crying again.
"Sammy, Sammy listen to me everything is going to be alright. Honey, listen to me. What's goin on? Talk to me baby." Jess pleaded with Sam getting upset herself on her end of the phone.
"Jess…. He told me he killed Dean. What the hell, I don't believe that crap, not Dad. He would never hurt us, never! He'd dive in front of the bullet first if it meant we were safe. I know my father. He could never do anything like that, not knowingly." Sam barely got out the words.
"But you said yourself he's not in his right mind. What if he was sick three years ago and he did kill your brother." She had to ask even if she knew it was gonna hurt her husband.
"Stop it stop it Jess, you don't know my Dad. He would never ….." Sam went silent as images of possibilities flashed through his head. Even under a worse case scenario Sam couldn't imagine his father killing Dean, he'd bet his life on it. The silence lasted until Sam could hear Jessica calling his name.
"Sammy….Sammy honey talk to me." she spoke softly trying to reel him back in.
"You know he's been trying to call me for years. He still had my old cell phone number from when we were all together, you know the one that changed after I switch services. I was the last number he tried to call before they found him. Me. All this time he thought I wasn't answering because I didn't want to talk to him. What if he did try to call me about Dean, Jessica? Every time I didn't answer he thought I still hated him enough to ignore him……" the implications were starting to stagger him.
It was his fault. Maybe if he had just answered one of Dean's calls after he went to Stanford they would have still been speaking to each other when he got a better cell deal through school and switched plans. He remembered he kept meaning to call his brother to give him the new number but kept putting it off. His stupid, stupid pride. He could feel the regret washed over him in waves.
"Sammy you had no way of knowing, hon. You thought your father meant what he said. He's the one that threw you out. He's the one that told you to stay gone. I remember how angry you were the first time I asked you about your family, you almost bit my head off. I knew you didn't want to talk about it that's why I never pressed you. Then one day you told me about them, Dean, and your father, you were so sad I just wanted to hug you and never let you go. I was so angry at them for ever hurting you. That's when I knew I was in love with you."
"Dean never hurt me." Sam spoke in a hushed whispered tone.
"What sweetie?" Jessica asked not sure if she understood him.
"Dean never hurt me. All his life he protected me. Dad made him my protector the night our mother died. He put me in Dean's arms and told him to carry me out of the house and he did. He was four years old, Jess. As we got older and Dad wasn't around too much, if I ever needed anything, Dean was around to make sure I got it. If I was hungry, if I needed clothes, if I needed help with my homework, somehow he always was there to make it happen. Dad would be gone for weeks sometimes, and there wouldn't be food in the house, then suddenly Dean would show up with a bag full of groceries and that crazy smile of his. I never knew how he did it, and maybe I didn't want to know. He used to do stuff….get odd jobs, some maybe not too legal considering his age.
One summer we were stuck in Texas in the middle of nowhere, Dad was gone again, money really tight and he found this old lawnmower that someone had thrown away and he fixed it up and started his own lawn service. I think he was around 15, anyways, after about 3 days working in the hot sun he came home sick as a dog. He had heat exhaustion real bad, damn near had heat stroke. The temperature had been around 100 degrees outside and he was out mowing lawns for cash. I thought I was gonna have to call an ambulance when I couldn't get him to wake up, scared the crap out of me. When he finally woke up and I told him how sick he had been he just laughed and pulled out a wad of bills. He'd made enough money to keep us in the crappy motel for another week. By the time Dad got home he was better and he never told Dad what happened. I remember thinking how could Dad not realized he hadn't left us with enough money to get by. Guess he must have figured if things got tight Dean would know what to do and he was right. Dean always knew what to do. He would just take care of it, no matter what. I never really appreciated that, you know Jess. I guess I was just like Dad. I just expected Dean to handle what ever came up cuz he always did."
"Sounds like he was really cool brother, Sammy." Jess acknowledged as she heard the fondness in Sam's voice for his brother.
"I wish you could've met him Jess." He told her sadly as he remembered she was never going to have that chance again.
"I wish I could have too Sammy." she nodded on her end. In all the years she had knew Sam, he had only spoke of his brother a few times, mostly when he'd had too many at the pool hall. Those had been bitter, angry rants about how he felt his brother betrayed him by not sticking up for him against their father. Jessica felt Sam's anger at his brother slip away as the mourning process started. She let him talk and found out more about the real Dean.
The Dean who took an 6 yr old Sam trick or treating one Halloween against John's wishes because Sam had seen a special on TV and wanted to know what it was all about. John insisted he tell him the real reason behind the holiday but all Sam cared about was the pillow case full of candy that he ate for the next week.
The Dean who used to hide his report cards from what ever high school he was attending at that moment, not because he was failing, but because he was getting straight A's and had his teachers encouraging him to go to college.
The Dean who patiently taught his brother how to drive when Sam was 13, so on the off chance that the two older Winchesters ever became incapacitated during a hunt, Sammy could drive them to the hospital. A lesson even John admitted was necessary after a few hunts went bad.
The Dean who stood bloody and torn from what ever they had been hunting who always looked over his shoulder to make sure his little brother was okay.
The Dean who sat on the bed stunned as Sam angrily stuffed what few belonging he had into his duffel bag as Sam and John argued about Sammy going to Stanford.
The Dean who stood on the side of the road as Sam got onto the bus and watched as Sam drove away. The look on his brother's face as Sam glanced out the window now haunted him. Dean never waved, never said goodbye, he just watched the bus pass with his hands shoved deep in his pockets and then turned and walked away with his head down.
"Jess that was the last time I ever saw him, that day I left for Stanford. I never had a chance to explain that I didn't want to leave him, I just wanted to have a chance to go to school and have a normal life. I remember I used to imagine him joining me here in California and us having a place together. Dean getting a normal job, maybe going to school too. I thought if he gave up hunting I could keep him safe here, you know, like he used to do for me when I was growing up. He was always protecting me from what ever and now I'll never have the chance to thank him for that. What ever our life was like, he always made sure I got to do things even if he couldn't. Some where in our twisted childhood, Dean gave up on himself, gave up on his dreams, and made sure I got mine. Why would he do something like that Jessica?" Sam rambled on.
"Because he loved you baby." There it was, the answer so simple.
"Yeah I guess he did." Sam acknowledged smiling as he thought about how much Dean would have hated this "chick flick" moment. He sat quiet for a moment as he thought about his brother. Looking over at the night stand he saw the piece of paper the Doctor gave him with the number of the woman in Lawrence who apparently had know his brother and father. The number for the person who might know the real story behind his brother's death.
"Jessica, Dr. Katchen gave me a number for this woman who used to know my father. She lives in Lawrence Kansas, I guess near where we used to live when I was a baby. He talked to her and she told him that's where they buried Dean, right next to my mother. Dr Katchen thinks I need to go there to have some sort of closure. I'm not sure, but I think he's right. Dads in no shape to tell me what really happened and I have to know. If she can tell me anything…" he said fingering the paper in his hand.
"I know you do, honey. I think you need to go too," She was willing to agree to whatever was going to help Sam get through this. "but call her first. You may not need to go all the way to Kansas to get your answers."
"Yes I do Jess. I've got to go see Dean, it's the least I can do. I've got to at least say goodbye in person, you understand don't you?"
"Honey you know I'll support what ever you need to do. Call this woman and go visit your brother. Are you gonna fly or are you gonna rent a car?" Jessica quickly assured him
"I'm gonna call the airlines and see if I can re-route my way back home. Maybe rent a car when I get to Kansas City and drive the rest of the way. It's gonna cost us more money, I'm sorry hon." Sammy apologized knowing this new trip was gonna cost them even more money.
"Sammy don't worry about that, I told you we'll be alright. There's money left on the credit card, you can charge it." Jess reassured him.
"Thanks Jessica. Sorry I woke you up. Give the baby a kiss for me." Sam sighed as he felt a weight lift from his shoulder.
"Will do sweetie. Give me a call when you get to Kansas alright?" Jessica asked before she hung up.
"Love ya" Sam said as he hung up
"Love ya too." She said as she hung up as well.
Sam sat on the bed for a few minutes longer. The prospect of finding out what really happened was starting to terrify him. What if his father was right…..what if John did kill Dean? Sam had to know. He sat against the head board, dialed the number and waited for her to answer.
Tbc.