Authors note: This chapter gave me no end of trouble. I had to remember that according to my story Sam hasn't been present for anything that happened during the first season and so doesn't know about the things he was around for on the show. Also I was getting more and more depressed as I typed and wasn't sure I would be able to finish it. Honestly I've got to finish this story up soon because I can't afford the therapy sessions anymore. Anyhow you might want to make sure you have a tissue or two before you start. Thanks for reading.

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Chapter 6 Missouri tells Sam the truth.

"Your father called me, just after it happened. He and Dean were on the trail of the demon that killed your mother." She started softly but was interrupted by Sam almost right away.

"Demon? It was a demon that killed my mother?" Sam asked frightened and yet strangely relieved that he knew, finally, what had killed his mother. "That's what Dad and Dean were after?"

Missouri hung her head. For so many years Sam had been out of touch with his family and that was his fault as much as John's, Missouri knew. She knew about the phone calls unanswered and the emails unread. She and John had had many a conversation about what Sam was up to while he was at Stanford. John hoped that Missouri could some how tap into his youngest son to make sure he was okay but she would refuse, telling him the same thing. If he wanted to know how Sam was doing he needed to go to Stanford and see for himself. She knew on at least a few occasions John had made the trip to California but stubborn ass that he was never actually spoke to his son just watched from afar.

"Oh honey, so much has happened since you left. Yes your mother was killed by a demon. It took along time for your father to track down what it was that murdered your mother but once he did he began to hunt it. Your father heard about a gun, a Colt that supposedly would kill this demon. He got his hands on the gun but it came at a high price. The demon found out about the gun as well. He commanded one of his younger demons, Meg was her name, to start killing off hunters. Hunters like your father and brother, to force your father to give it the Colt."

"Oh my god." Sam began to think back to all the hunters he had met over the years. The community was small and any loss was a blow to all.

"Pastor Jim Murphy was the first it killed," She looked down at him. "and then it went after Caleb. Neither one of them ever had a chance against her."

"Pastor Jim…..oh god." Sam was stricken, thinking back to all the times when he and Dean were little, being left with Pastor Jim as their father hunted. He was his father's best friend, or at least as close of a friend his father could have living the way he did. Caleb, he knew was a close friend as well. A terrible thought suddenly crept into Sam's head.

"If it went after Dads friends because he had the Colt, did it come after you as well Missouri?" he asked looking up at her.

"No child. You father knew he couldn't take the chance of the demon coming after anymore of his friends. He made a deal with the thing to give up the Colt. Trouble was you father knew it was his only chance to kill the demon. He was told to bring the gun to Meg or the killing would continue. John came up with a plan to give a fake gun to Meg and have Dean take the real gun and go after the demon that killed your mother."

"So Dad took the fake gun and tried to pass it off the real thing?" Sam asked shaking his head.

"Yes child and you can guess how that ended."

"It ended with getting my brother killed by the demon, right?" Sam said feeling himself getting angrier as the story went on. Only his father would do something so foolish and so risky and damn his brother for going along with it.

"Sam, that's not how it happened." She said sensing the different scenarios rolling through his head.

"When Meg discovered your father had the fake gun she captured and tortured him, and then went after Dean. Your brother had to kill her to find out where they were holding your father and was able to rescue him, but it was already too late." Missouri stopped and took a deep breath. She didn't want to continue. She knew what she said next would only bring the young man at her feet terrible, terrible pain. Sam stood up and sat on the bed next to her, his eyes filled with fear. He too took a deep breath.

"Missouri I need to know." he whispered begging her to go on. She looked over and knew she couldn't keep the truth from him any longer.

"You father became possessed by the very demon that killed your mother. It took him over completely and left your father helpless to fight back. It wanted to make your father suffer as well as your brother, for killing Meg. Your father tried to resist, but the demon was too powerful. It attacked Dean and he was mortally wounded before your father was finally able to get control over his own body. While your brother was dying, your father made the decision to end it, once and for all, even if it meant killing himself, he was going to do it and take the demon with him. The demon knew he had lost control over your father and escaped before John could kill himself." Missouri's voice shook with pain.

"Dean begged him not to do it. John had the Colt in his hand. He told me he had it pointed at his head, but he looked down into Dean's eyes and couldn't do it. I know he desperately tried to save your brother but his injuries were far too grave and Dean died cradled in your father's arms." Missouri stopped as tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks. Sam slumped over crying as well.

"Dean…" he said through his tears. They sat there for a few minutes each lost in their own thoughts. Finally Missouri spoke up again after wiping off her face with a Kleenex.

"I had a dreadful feeling that morning. All day long I kept thinking about your father and your brother, but I didn't know why. I hadn't seen either one of them in months. When the phone rang I knew. I could feel your father's emotions so clearly even before I picked up the phone. Sammy, he was inconsolable. He told me he still had the gun in his hand but had promised Dean he wouldn't kill himself. Right then I knew he was still thinking about it. I could feel how desperate he was. I made him remember his promise to Dean. I wouldn't hang up until I knew he had taken every last bullet out of the gun. A few days later he showed up at my door looking like a shadow of the man you and I both knew."

Sammy got up and moved across the room, tears still rolling down his face.

"I didn't want to believe him. When he told me, I thought it was so sort of delusion. When the Doctor told me about Dean's obituary. He said Dean had died in some sort of car accident. Something about the car exploding and he couldn't get out in time." Sammy slumped against the wall, hands shoved in his pockets as he spoke.

"Part of that is true Sam." Missouri said looking over at him. Sam looked back stunned and confused.

"Your father told me he carried Dean out to the car and drove around for awhile. He couldn't bring himself to just leave him alone somewhere but he knew he wouldn't be able to explain the wounds if he took him to the hospital. Sammy, I'm not sure you want to hear the rest."

"Yes I do Missouri, what ever he did. I need to know, please." Sam eyes beg her to finish. With great sadness she continued.

"It was getting late and he'd been driving for hours. He told he had no idea where he was when he finally stopped. You have to understand I didn't know what he was going to do or I would have tried to stop him." she stopped and took a deep breath. "I can't even imagine the frame of mind your father was in to do such a thing to your brother. He told me he made the decision when he saw how beautiful and peaceful it was. He felt Dean deserved some tranquility, finally even if it was in his death. He pulled the car over to the side of the road, moved Dean over to the driver's side, and put the car in neutral. He waited until there weren't any cars driving past, released the brake, and watched the car roll over the embankment."

Sammy slid down the wall and started to sob as he listened to Missouri speak.

'Nooooo nooooo Deannnnnn.' He screamed in his head.

"The car burst into flames on impact. Your father hid as a few passing cars stopped to try to assist. He was just another face in the crowd by the time the police got there. John said the drop was so steep, by the time the fire dept arrived, there was no nope of rescue, not even to retrieve his body."

Sam continued to sob leaning against the wall. Missouri sat within her own pain and listened as the young man mourned the loss of his older brother.

"How could he do that? How could he do that to Dean?" Sam looked up at Missouri who could only shake her head. "What kind of father would do that to his son?"

"I can't answer for your father, child. The pain he felt that day destroyed him, I know that for a fact. Even your mother's loss didn't affect him this badly and you know how he was when you were growing up, consumed with vengeance, fixated on finding your mothers killer. This time he had no one to blame but himself. Grief and pain, they overwhelmed him, Sammy. The day your brother died your father stopped living as well." Missouri reached into her pocket and pulled out another Kleenex to wipe away her tears.

"By the time he got here he was barely functional. I had to force him to eat and sleep. He sat alone in the dark for hours. When he did sleep, he had horrible nightmares about the demon and what he had done to Dean. He became obsessed with washing his hands, and no soap could get them clean enough. He told me it was because he kept seeing Dean's blood all over them. I tried to help him best as I could but he was inconsolable. He was here about 3 weeks before he disappeared without a word."

Sammy looked up at her, his face wet with his tears.

"Where did he go?" Sam asked afraid to hear more bad news about his father.

"I'm not sure Sammy. I would hear things every now and then. Other hunters would have seen him and pass the word back to me knowing I was looking for him. Finally about a year ago he totally dropped off the map. Not a sighting, not a word, nothing. My greatest fear was that he finally succumbed to the inner demon that had been hunting him since the day your brother died. It wasn't until I heard from that Doctor in Pennsylvania that I knew for sure your father was still alive. How he made it there I have no way of knowing. Since you were able to see him and see for yourself what became of him, do you think he is beyond the doctor's help now?" she asked as Sam stood up and moved back over to the bed.

"I barely recognized him Missouri and it wasn't until he said my name that I knew it was him. His voice, after all these years, still had that same power over me it always had. That ability to command and make me feel like I was 5 yrs old again. As we talked I could tell he was struggling with what had happened. He would start to talk and then the light would go out of his eyes and he would just retreat back inside himself. It was terrible to watch Missouri. My father was the strongest man I knew, next to my brother, and he was reduced to this … god I don't know what to call him. He just wasn't Dad anymore. I'm at a loss as to know how to help him. The Doctor there seemed very capable but not too optimistic about his recovery. I think he needs to be closer to home. Either here in Laurence or maybe back in California with me and Jessica." Sam spoke as ideas flowed around in his head on how to help his father.

"Sammy your father is going to need a considerable about of care. Are you sure you are ready for that? You have a young family and are just starting out. It might be better to leave him in the hospital for awhile." Missouri spoke knowing Sam had already made up his mind to bring John home to California.

"Dad would never leave me alone in a hospital Missouri. I'm going to call Jessica and see what she says, but it's not Jessica I'm worried about, it's the Doctor. Dad needs to be around family right now and if the Doctor doesn't agree with me then I will just find a doctor that will." Sam spoke more determined than ever to have his family reunited.

Missouri looked at him, saw his determination, and smiled. He may have been absent, but he never truly left his family. She also knew that his inherited Winchester stubbornness was going to win over anyone's disapproval. She reached over and placed her hand over Sam's.

"Sammy, there's one person you have to visit." She said her eyes solemn again. Sam looked at her and realized immediately who she meant.

"Dean…"

"Yes child. While your brother isn't truly buried there, it's still the place to go and remember him and make peace."

"Will you go with me?" he asked as he looked into her brown eyes.

"If you want me to….." She nodded.

"I don't think I can go there alone Missouri……" his voice quivered at the thought of standing in front of his brothers and mothers headstones. His mother's grave, he had only visited a few times in his life, and always with his father or brother. It would be the first time he stood there alone and it made him tremble at the thought. Missouri patted his hand once again feeling his fears radiate off of him.

"I'll be right there with you child."

"Thank you." He whispered as he got up from the bed. He took a deep breath and the two of them headed back down the stairs and were soon on their way. That simple journey became the longest trip of his life.

TBC