Long time since I've updated on this story. It's a wee bit short, but enjoy anyway.
Chapter12
January 1, 1913
What will year 1913 bring?
It was the first time in a long time Rose wrote in a diary. She once had diaries from when she was only eight years old. But sadly, all of her precious diaries were lost somewhere in the North Atlantic. It was a sad lost, since they were her most treasured possessions. But in the end, she decided to let them go. So many precious things were lost on the Titanic.
She decided to start a new diary on the first day of 1913, and begin everything all over again. She tried to keep it up, and write as much as she could, but with all the emotional problems she was dealing with, and with taking care of Colleen, she found she didn't have as much time as she wanted to write in her diary. So, in time, she stopped writing altogether, and by the time the year was over, she only wrote ten entries.
XXXXXX
Like most women of her class, she had a nanny to care for her daughter. The nanny, Hannah Mitchell, was an old, experienced nanny, who cared for Colleen in a very quiet, subdued manner.
Rose allowed Hannah to take care of Colleen for the first few weeks. But then, Rose began to feel a sense of guilt. She was the mother, not Hannah. It wasn't right to have the nanny do all the work, especially when Rose didn't have any other work to do. So from that point on, Rose started taking care of Colleen. Well, sort of. She never took care of a child before. She knew as much as nature taught a mother, but more than half the time, she was clueless. But she did get help, and she always listened to the advice Hannah gave her, and watched everything she did.
Now, Rose's life was busy. For the first time in her life, she was busy and literally tied down. It's funny, Rose always thought she was tied down by her mother, and Cal and her world. But now, she finally learned the true meaning of that, as she spent her entire day caring for Colleen, attending to her daughter's every need, revolving her life around her. Not that it was a bad thing; she loved her daughter, and she didn't mind. She just wasn't used to this at all.
Rose had never loved anyone in her life more than she loved Colleen, including her parents, Cal, Jack, and even herself. She didn't care where her little girl came from. It wasn't important. Her daughter was still beautiful, and perfect, flawless. She was the epitome of innocence, something Rose never knew existed.
Most of all, Colleen kept her distracted. Rose was still trying to sort out her emotions. She was still depressed, and although her flashbacks didn't get any worse, they were still harsh and frequent. If Rose had the time and the freedom of choice, she would have stayed locked in her room, letting everything tear at her. You couldn't do that with a baby. Rose was able to gather enough strength to push those emotions aside for the day so she could attend to her daughter. There were times when she felt like giving in, but when she thought of Colleen, she was able to move on. Looking at Colleen was enough to put a smile on Rose's face, and remind her to stay strong. Colleen was her inspiration.
At least someone loved Colleen. Rose's mother, Ruth, was another story. She didn't hate the child. But she was embarrassed and ashamed of where she came from. This wasn't how she wanted a grandchild to be. She was scared of it, worried that someone would find out the horrible truth. She knew that would be impossible; no one on the Titanic knew about the affair, except for Cal, Rose, Jack, and of course, her. And all evidence was under the North Atlantic. But she also knew that the truth always came out, regardless of how well you hide it. She was overwhelmed with worry over her precious reputation, and seeing the baby only made things worse. She only saw Colleen once, throughout her entire life. To her, seeing her disgraceful child once was enough.
And then, there was Cal. He wished he could help Rose. He knew Rose was going through as much emotional problems as he was, and she was just keeping it all inside of her. But he couldn't warm up to Rose, especially after Colleen came into the picture. He wanted to talk to her, about what he was feeling, but he felt that Rose was too far away. Communication between the two was nearly impossible.
Colleen only made matters worse. She came between him and Rose, when things were already bad. Cal, he hated to admit it, but . . . he hated Colleen he honestly did. He was ashamed for hating an innocent child but he couldn't help himself. He hated the child from the beginning, when he saw that blond hair, that nose, that chin, the shape of her eyes. She looked like her father, and her father was to be hated, since he was the root of all the problems.
Cal hoped that his attitude toward Colleen would change as time passed. It did change, but only for the worse. Colleen would spend her day crying over everything, and then spend her nights screaming. It was enough to drive a person mad. There were those nights when Cal wished he could just strangle that child, do anything to shut it up. Rose, knowing how it kept Cal up at all hours of the night, moved to another bedroom with Colleen, but it still kept Cal awake. He hated the child, but at the same time pitied it too. Pity probably saved the child from Cal.
But there was Leila. Of course, who else? Leila was so good. She wasn't part of the household. She had nothing to do with the Titanic. And that was the best part about her. She wasn't part of the problem. She didn't give him any reminders. She was good for taking his mind off of everything, while everything else around himfell apart.