Author's Note: Yeah, I changed my name because it happens to be the same name I use for my DeviantArt page. It's just a lot easier this way. To my shock, there didn't seem to be enough Beast BoyXCyborg stories. So, here's another one to add on the short list. This is not meant to be a religious story. If you like it because you think it sounds religious, fine. But I'm just letting you know, it's not. I wrote this with absolutely NO INTENT of it being religious based. If you hate it because it sounds religious, you obviously didn't read this note. The story takes place right after the episode "Crash." Please enjoy! R&R, if you like.
Also, check out my DeviantArt page for story illustrations. (For some reason, I'm having problems with inserting a link so we have to do this another way. Click on my Author Name to go to my profile. Once there, click on my homepage. That'll take you to my D.A. page. Sorry for the inconvenience.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, or the song "Missing" by Evanescence. I love them both, however.
Missing
By: BBVixen
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"Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious you'll say to no one
Isn't something missing?"
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I woke up and rolled onto my back. My muscles ached from my recent battle to save Cyborg from that virus I gave him. Even though he said he forgave me, I still felt bad just knowing that I caused it. I slowly got out of bed. I was so tired last night that I slept on the bottom bunk instead of the top, like I usually do. I stole a glance at my wall clock and read the time. 5:27 a.m.? No wonder I'm still tired. I grabbed a white towel and made my way to the bathroom. The sun was barely rising and I knew the other Titans wouldn't wake for at least another two hours, giving me some serious personal time. I walked into the bathroom. With five teenagers using the same bathroom, you'd think it would be a mess. You know, like soap scum, bathtub rings, rusty knobs, piles of smelly clothes… the works. But it was surprisingly clean everyday. Robin made it like the number one rule of the Tower: Keep the bathroom clean and you can live here. I threw my towel on the nearby towel rack and striped my uniform off my body, feeling my muscles tense from the sudden exposure as my clothes fell to the ground. Here in the tower, we don't really believe in pajamas. We usually just sleep in our outfits in case of a little midnight trouble in Jump City. Sure, it was unsanitary, but when you're a superhero you have to move fast. I turned the silver knobs and watched as the clear liquid shot out of the shower head from above. I tested the water and set it to a warm temperature. Once it was to my liking I stepped in and felt the water hitting my tense body. It felt relaxing as the tiny streams ran down every crevice and curve my body made. I grabbed the shampoo, poured the gel in my hand, and lathered it in my hair. I always enjoyed the fragrant. It was strong but pleasing to my nose, almost like cologne. Robin and I had agreed to share shampoo and soap to cut down on expenses, the girls share their own. My hand eventually found the soap bar and I started to wash my green skin. I often felt embarrassed by my oddly colored flesh so I made it a number one priority to never show any other part of my body except my face and neck, but there had always been a few exceptions. Just by looking at myself made me envy the others. Starfire had orange skin, Raven had gray, and both could pass as normal. Cyborg had some of his original skin intact with his cybernetic parts, and Robin…well, he is the only normal looking one, minus the mask. But as for yours truly, I'm not even close to being considered that. I rubbed the soap in my hands and quickly scrubbed my face. After rinsing the soap and shampoo off, I turned the water off and grabbed my white towel. I dried myself quickly and wrapped the fabric around my waist. It felt soft and comforting against my body. I stepped out and reached for my toothbrush that stood in a holder by the sink. Once pasted, I started brushing my teeth. My mouth was beginning to tingle from the minty taste. My mind wondered about everything that had happened. Robin becoming Slade's apprentice and attacking us; that took a while for us to trust him again. Starfire almost marrying that…that…whatever it was, Raven and the whole romance thing she had with that strange book of hers, Cyborg almost betraying the team when he went undercover at the Hive Academy, and…Terra. I spit the foam out into the sink, rinsed my toothbrush off, and placed it back in the holder. I looked at the other four that silently stood with mine. Each one was color coded to match a certain Titan. Robin had a bright red one with a neon green stripe running down, Raven's was purple with a black stripe, Starfire's was orange with a neon green stripe, Cyborg had a light blue one, and mine was just green. I often wondered if Cyborg got the solid blue toothbrush just so that I wouldn't feel left out. He was good at that, caring about me, I mean. I respected him for that. I ran my fingers through my hair, giving it a loose spiky style. I was suddenly overcome with a feeling nausea as I glanced over my jade colored self in the mirror in front of me. It was a disgusting sight in my opinion. This was the price I faced for surviving a deadly virus. My fingers numbly traced the image of my chest reflecting from the mirror. I felt a single tear fall freely from my sparkling emerald eyes. Then, a sense of rage overcame my body, my right hand balled up into a fist, and I slammed it into the taunting mirror. Shards flew at me, lightly cutting my green flesh. My fist, however, was covered in blood. I quickly grabbed the toilet paper and used it as a bandage. I sat on my knees on the ground wincing in pain as the paper started applying pressure to my open wound. The throbbing soreness of my hand made my heart pound in my throat. My tearful eyes surveyed the bathroom. Shards of glass lay on the ground all around me, some even stained with my blood. My legs started to hurt. I stood up, a little dizzy from the blood loss, and came to realize that I had been kneeling on some pieces of glass. Tiny cuts were found on my legs and thin streams of blood freely fell down. It finally donned on me that someone must have heard the shatter and, as if on cue, my ears perked at the sound of the door opening. Hastily hiding my wounded hand behind my back, my attention turned to see the other Titans staring at me, expressions of pure fear and worry crossing their faces.
"Beast Boy, what happened? Are you alright?" Robin questioned as he attempted to step forward to me. As if by instinct, I backed away from him, only to wince in more pain as I stepped on the fallen shards behind me.
"You really are an idiot." Raven said as she levitated the pieces that lay around me and dropped them in the trash can. "Now we have to get a new mirror." She said, glaring at me.
"B.B., what happened? You're covered in blood! I can hardly tell if you're green or red!" Cyborg exclaimed sounding a little freaked out. He had every right to be.
"Friend," Starfire started, "do you require the need for medical attention? You have tiny marks all over your body." My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered I was standing exposed with only a towel for cover. My face flushed in shock and embarrassment. I'm sure they were disgusted by my skin as I was. I could feel my pupils shrink as I gazed at my teammates, their eyes holding that look of horror and fear that I hated so much.
"Beast Boy…?" Cyborg asked, stepping forward with his left cybernetic hand extended to me. My body tensed under their watchful eyes and I fell into a daze. Thoughts of how to explain the blood stained floor and shattered mirror filled my head. His cold, titanium hand connecting with my shoulder was enough to alarm me of my current situation. I looked up and saw Cyborg's eyes stare into mine. His right human eye showed full concern, while his left cybernetic eye glowed a brilliant red. Under his gaze and touch, I panicked. I had to get away from them, from their eyes that seemed to taunt me. My body started to blur and fall to the ground. Just before hitting it though, my arms and legs took on a different shape and appearance. Spots ran up both as my entire body morphed into the form of a cheetah. I ran past them all, their eyes still never leaving me. My right paw leaving behind a bloody paw print trail. The doors to my room slid open in a futuristic style and I ran in. My chest felt as though it were on fire as I tried to catch my breath. I could feel my body demanding human form as I arched my back in the air. The spots covering my form disappeared as my arms, legs, and body morphed back to human. I leaned against a wall and favored my wounded hand. The toilet paper had fallen off after I transformed and the blood was now falling to the floor. My ears twitched as I heard the faint 'splash' noise it made upon contact. Running with an open wound, especially when it was this deep, caused my hand to throb in an enormous amount of pain. I was sure that a few glass shards had managed to lodge themselves into my wound as well and I probably had way of removing them. It hurt so much that I didn't even realize my towel had fallen off during the transformation as well and I was standing there…completely nude.
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"You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
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After dressing and tending to my wounds (which took about an hour or two; luckily, there was no glass stuck inside), I went outside and sat on a pile of rocks down by where the ocean met with our little island and watched as the sun slowly rose, enveloping me in its warm glow. The cool morning breeze gently brushed through my hair and caressed my face. I thought back to the time when I was in Africa with my parents and we would sometimes watch as the sun rose over the little tribal village we stayed at. My parents…tears came to my eyes as I thought of them. I remember how my mother would always make me feel safe and loved whenever she smiled and held me. There was a certain look in her eyes, a warm look that I couldn't help but smile over. She was a loving, kind person. My dad was the same but always involved with his experiments. If I hadn't had been infected with the Sakutia virus, I would have been the spitting image of my father. Blonde hair, blue eyes…beautiful white skin. My left hand reached for the outer inside of my right shoe and brought out a small dagger. I store long and hard at it. The sunlight seemed to make the blade dance and my eyes traced the sharp edges. It had been a gift from my parents before they died. My mother protested against having one at such a young age, but since we were living in Africa (even if it was only temporary) my father thought it was good idea and taught me how to use it properly. I guess he intended the dagger to be like a back-up plan in case my shape shifting powers failed to work. Good thinking on his part. I had another use for it though. It was an accident the first time it happened, but it felt good. Almost like all my pain had vanished with just a little scratch. After that, it just became a habit to me. Normally, I'd do it in my room but I figured it wouldn't hurt to do it outside and watch the sun rise. This way I can feel at peace. I held the dagger with my left hand and pressed the blade against my right arm. Ordinarily, I would use my right hand. But ever since that incident in the bathroom this morning, it hurt to even move my fingers. The blade slowly slid across and I watched as my uniform sliced open and the thick, crimson blood emerge from the cut. I watched with interest as my blood slowly fell down my arm. My hand, unconsciously, brought the dagger to my right leg and repeated the process. The sound of the uniform ripping wasn't what interested me the most. What my ears found really fascinating, however, was the sound of my flesh cutting open. My nose favored the smell of my own blood and sea air combined. My emerald eyes danced at the sight of crimson liquid trailing down its own path, hoping to find an end and pool. My heart desired for more but I could feel my lids start to close and my elfin ears droop down.
Sadness clouded my face. I couldn't help but think of my parents every time I defiled my body in this manner. I knew they would be disappointed in me for my actions; I was. I hated myself for allowing me to continue with it every morning. Something inside me kept forcing me to do this. It was the raw anger and hatred I felt. Ever since I became 'Beast Boy,' people have always treated me differently. There were people who feared me, probably thinking I was a mutant or monster. Some hated and mocked me, abusing me and passing me off as the 'freak of nature.' To tell the truth, only four people in my life had treated me with respect and didn't make me feel like a…well, like a freak. My mom and dad. They still loved me, even after what I had become, and they weren't afraid to call me their son. Rita Farr, a.k.a. Elasti-Girl of the Doom Patrol, took me in and cared for me after my parents died. She became a second mother to me and wasn't at all frightened by my appearance. If she was, she was good at hiding it. Lastly, Cyborg. He and I have grown to become the best of friends, though we never told each other. He's become almost like a brother to me. Defending me when I'm not around, cheering me up when I feel depressed (which rarely happens), playing with me, just giving me the attention I want. He sees me as a kid, not as a green 'thing' hiding his pain and misery from the world behind a smile and laugh. The salty air hit my new wounds causing them to sting a little. Waking from my daze, I noticed that the sun had fully risen above the horizon, meaning I've been sitting out here for a little over an hour. I found my dagger lying on the rock behind me. I must have set it down without even thinking about it. I pick it up and wipe the blood off causing the blade to shimmer and dance again against the sunlight. Sheathing it back in my shoe, I couldn't help but wonder why I never seemed to slice my foot against the blade. Or at least slice a tiny hole in my sock. A question better left for another day, I figured. As long as I wasn't walking on blood, I'm fine. I stood up and made my way back to the tower I called home, all the time wondering what the other titans thought of me. It was obvious that Raven found me to be a pest, nothing more than a fly buzzing around her head constantly. Starfire is naïve, if anything. I know she means well and she's good company, but to her, I'm probably annoying as well. I'm sure she doesn't find my jokes that funny. Instead, I think she's just humoring me so she doesn't hurt my feelings. Robin's kind of hard to determine. There are times when he acts like he's my best friend. Caring and playing around with me, he even prefers me as a sparring partner as opposed to the others. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But there are times when he blames me for everything and acts like a real pain in the ass. I guess he figures I'm annoying too. As for Cyborg…I really hope he doesn't think of me as a nuisance, but I'm positive he does. I envied the dead. At least they wouldn't have to deal with the pains from living. I would wish to myself everyday that a villain would just stab, shoot, or even kill me. But everyday the Titans made sure that didn't happen. It was the last thing they wanted, I guess. I couldn't figure out why though. I could easily kill myself. It wouldn't be that hard. Just stab myself in the right place and it'll all be over. All the pain would vanish and I could live in peace, right? That's how I thought it was. Once you die, the pain and suffering just…disappears.
So, why haven't I done it then?
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"Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?"
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I would have gone to my room to change into a new uniform, but unfortunately, Robin, Raven, and Starfire were crowded around my bedroom door, trying to get me to come out. They didn't even realize I was outside the entire time. I didn't want them to see me, especially with two new cuts to explain. I walked into the garage, hoping to be alone for a little longer. I just wanted some time to myself, to think about what's happened so far. I glanced at my surroundings. Tools and rags were oddly enough shattered on the ground by the T-Car. I shrugged it off, thinking that Cyborg had been down here working on his most prized creation. His 'baby,' he so often called it. I usually wouldn't step foot in the garage unless helping him. My feet started carrying me to the other side of the room. There was a spot that was pretty well hidden, not very big for my human structure, but big enough for a cat to curl up in. I stopped at the familiar corner. There was a large trash barrel in the corner and two tires leaned against it, creating a small fortress for me. My body began to blur as I shrank to cat form and limped inside my little spot. I had been down here many times before and felt extremely uncomfortable lying on the hard, cold cement. Making sure no one was around at the time I brought a towel and placed it on the ground inside the little fortress. It wasn't much but it was a lot warmer and softer to sleep on. Lying down, my tail curled next to me, I began licking my right paw. The blood had finally stopped pouring but the pain still remained. My ears perked at the sound of a 'tinking' noise, followed shortly by several heavy 'clanks.' Similar to a metal against metal sound. A shadow cast down just in front of me and I saw his head at the hole's entrance, his one red eye glowing at me.
"What are you doing in there, B?" He asked, his voice carrying a pleasant brotherly tone. His smile seemed comforting to me. "C'mon on out. I could use some help with the T-Car." He moved his head aside and I cautiously crept out. He was kneeling on the ground, still keeping his smile on me, as he watched my body morph once more to human. He stood back up and held his right hand out for mine, wanting to help me up. I'm sure he found it strange when I took his with my left instead of my right. Being one of the strongest Titans, his grasp on my hand was surprisingly gentle as he pulled me up.
"So, you going to tell me what's going on with you?" He asked, turning his back to me and walking back to his 'baby.'
"What do you mean? Nothing's going on." I replied, trying to sound sure of myself.
"Come on, B.B. You don't expect me to fall for that, now do you?" He said once he reached his car and turned back to me, motioning with his head for me to come over to him. I obeyed and walked up to him. "First, we hear a shatter and run to the bathroom only to find you covered with blood, standing with glass at your feet. Next, you take off at a dead run leaving bloody prints behind. Then, I see you morph into a cat and hide in that little corner. And now, you've got two new injuries, one on your arm and the other on your leg. Don't tell me everything's fine when I can clearly see pain in your eyes?" He responded as my head hung down. How was I going to explain myself now? I looked into his eyes and found only a look of pity reflect back at me. Something curled in my stomach that told me he knew. Somehow he knew my dark secret.
"Beast Boy, what are you doing to yourself? Why would you even think about doing this?" His voice sounded worried, and scared. I closed my eyes, hoping to find an answer to those questions myself. Nothing came to me. "You're only causing more pain and grief in your life. What you're doing proves just how idiotic you really are!" He screamed. My heart told me he was only worried about my well-being. My eyes started to well up and soon the hot tears flowed down. My ears drooping in regret for what I had done. I could feel his eyes glaring at me in disappointment. My stomach knotted as every emotion, save one, suddenly left my body. The raw anger that made me do this to myself remained and had me in a corner, trying to convince me to do it, to be done with it, to end it all. Cyborg's ranting began fading from my ears as I felt my body sinking further away from him. This demon inside me, this 'beast' of pure hatred, was winning. My eyes snapped open as I felt Cyborg shaking my shoulders furiously, a look of rage in his eyes as he glared at my tear stricken face. Seeing him like this caused me to panic again. Escaping his grasp, I ran again, hearing him call after me. Making my way upstairs, I finally saw my bedroom door up ahead. Lucky for me, the others were long gone.
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"Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
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It had been an hour since Cyborg and I had our little 'talk.' I lay down on my top bunk, my face buried in my pillow. My tears had finally stopped after some time and my eyes were now red. Lifting my head up, I rested my chin on the soft pillow. My mind wondered from the events of today. Mainly focused on what Cyborg had said. Why was I doing this? It started as an accident but turned into a regular routine. My head pounded as I continued to search for an answer. I should have stopped when I had the chance, but seeing that blood…my blood. I longed for more.
It felt good, didn't it? A voice asked. It sounded dark and sent a cold shiver down my spine.
"Who's there? Show yourself!" I demanded, calling out into the darkness of my room. I sat up in my bed, my eyes scanning for whoever made themselves welcomed. I saw no one.
You enjoy the pain you cause to yourself. I know you do.
"Who are you?" My voice softens, almost like I was scared of this person. I climbed down my bunk ladder, stepping lightly onto the hard floor.
I'm the cause of your torture. Everything you do to yourself is because of me. The voice chuckled, mocking my every move.
"But why? Why do you do this to me?"
You're in pain, dear child. You want it to end, don't you?
"More than anything."
I can help you rid yourself of the pain and suffering. I can save you.
"Please. Tell me who you are?"
I am the thing that you fear the most. I am your pure anger and hatred. I keep you awake at night. I'm the thing that makes you demand for the sight of your own blood. I'm the beast behind your smiles and laughter. I spun around in circles, looking for the source. My eyes stopped and fell upon my reflection in my mirror.
I am you. The beast inside the boy. My eyes widen as I watched my own reflection grinning evilly at me. Cuts were all over his body, blood pouring down. There was a huge open gash across his forehead that didn't seem to want to stop bleeding. His arms and legs looked as though someone had ripped the skin off, exposing only muscles and bones. A dagger was lodged into his torso, from the look of it just below his ribcage. A long slice was found on his neck. It looked as if his head would fall off it he made just one swift move. His uniform was torn to shreds and one of his elfin ears looked like someone had cut it off. The thing that scared me the most, however, was his eyes. His dull, emerald pools which seemed to hold pure rage and evil, but something else I longed for…I didn't see any pain in his eyes.
"You can't be me. You're…you're all…"
All what? Grotesque looking? Believe it or not, I am you. Your pain, your misery, and your savior.
"No, I know you're not. You're nothing more than a figment. Just something my mind made up to scare me. You're not me!"
Whatever you say. Live your life suffering. It just makes me feel better. His grinning smile bore its way into my head and latched on. I felt helpless.
"Tell me. What do I do?" My voice weakened under his gaze.
You know what to do. You've thought about it for quite some time now. He stopped and watched as I stood there, soaking it all in. Kill yourself. Rid your body and mind of the pain and suffering you've had to endure since becoming who you are.
"But…my friends. They-"
You don't really think they're your friends, do you? You're nothing more than a pest to them. A bother. A nuisance. You mean nothing to them, and you know it. I could feel my heart sinking as I realized how right my reflection was. I was nothing more than an annoyance to them. None of them really cared about me. Do it, and relieve yourself of the suffering. Kill yourself. I nodded to my double in the mirror.
"I'll do it." I closed my eyes, allowing only a few tears to fall down from my lids. I opened them and discovered the image of myself had vanished, only to be replaced with my own reflection this time. My mind raced on what to do next. I couldn't just leave the Titans without saying goodbye, but I couldn't face them. Not now. Especially Cyborg. I walked over to my desk and began writing a letter. My final words to the people who took me in, to Cyborg…my friends. When I finish it, I'll put it in Cyborg's room. I'm sure he won't discover until midnight. By then, I'll be long gone.
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"Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?"
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I stood on the fishing docks, overlooking Titan's Tower. The day was just about over with. I watched as the sun set, emitting an unhealthy orange glow. The breeze from this morning still lingered and brushed through my green hair. My forest green eyes sparkled as tears welled up. The salty sea air made my nose twitch. I bent down and reached inside my shoe, producing the dagger once more. I straightened my back and held it against the setting sun's light. The blade looked inviting, almost like it beckoned to me. My mind recapped on the events in my room. Seeing my demonic beast that dwelled inside me. He had cornered me, persuaded me to end my life, and I gave in. I glanced up at the clouds overhead.
"Mother, father… please, forgive me. I can't keep living in a world that rejects me. I can't live in a world that brings me only pain and suffering. I want to be with you two. With the people who love me, who care for me, who take away all my grieving. I'm sorry I'm such a disgrace and a disappointment to you. I love you. Please, please, forgive me." Tiny streams fell from my green orbs as I begged to the skies. My ears drooped and I lowered my eyes to the 'T' structure sitting on its island. The shape of the building stood with a sense of pride, proud to have such heroes and heroines residing inside it. I could see the waves lightly crashing against its surface but I could only hear the waves near me, drowning out every other sound to my sensitive ears. I secretly wished I could tell them goodbye in person. I knew I couldn't though. Cyborg surely told the others by now about my little secret. I couldn't face them knowing that they didn't truly respect me. Knowing that they didn't even like me, but instead found me as annoying. They couldn't understand my actions. I was merely a misunderstood youth taking all the wrong directions in life. I only wished there was at least one person who valued my existence. It seemed that everyone who ever really cared for me ended up dead. I didn't want that, not for anyone, be them good or evil. That's why I cut myself. The Titans were my only family now. If something happened to them, I don't think I could go on. Becoming 'Beast Boy' has been nothing but a curse. It caused my parents, the Doom Patrol, and everyone in between to get hurt in some way. I didn't want that for the Titans. They were my family, my friends, and my life. I'm a walking disease to anyone. A curse waiting to be unleashed upon the world. I need people in my life, but I don't want to be the cause of their downfall. I sighed as my thoughts ventured on each individual titan.
Starfire. My only alien friend. She wasn't the brightest in the group, but she always meant well. So full of joy and happiness. I enjoyed her company and loved her like a sister. Her heart was so kind and gentle. Though she would never admit it, being the modest type she is, she was indeed quite beautiful…for an alien.
Robin. Our fearless leader with a serious obsession problem over Slade. Despite him always breathing down the back of my neck and making me feel worthless, he was a good guy. He never mentioned anything about his past, then again, none of us did. But we, or rather I, eventually did and kept it from the others. I thought it would be best if no one knew. When I found out though, I respected him more and came to idolize him.
Raven. The dark beauty that owned my heart. I never told her I loved her, and by the look of things, I never will. We never really seemed to get along, but she always seemed like a good friend to me. I enjoyed annoying her. Seeing those flames in her eyes made her look kind of cute. Don't get me wrong, it freaked the hell out of me too. But something about her mysterious, spiritual nature attracted me to her.
Cyborg. My only best friend. He seemed to understand me the most. He knew what it felt like to have the world reject you based solely on your appearance. He knew me better than anyone else. He remembered everything I told him and paid attention to me when no one else would. He's a good friend, almost brother material to me. My ears drooped as I thought of him. I knew that when he would finally discover that letter he wouldn't rest until he found my body. Alive or dead. I looked down at my dagger, still in my hand. I could feel my heart sink until it found a place in my stomach. I grasped the handle tightly with both hands, pointing the tip of the blade straight at my stomach. If my heart was there, that's what I wanted to pierce. I looked at the sunset one last time, inhaled deeply, and closed my eyes. Time seemed to last forever as I felt the demonic beast inside me raise my arms and swiftly bring them down. The dagger stuck itself in my stomach and my eyes shot open in pain. I bit my bottom lip, praying that it would soon stop. I gasped for air as I looked down at the crime I had committed. My hands were now stained with my blood. Breathing became a difficult task for me as tears flowed freely down my face. My uniform was now covered in my blood and my vision started to blur. I was beginning to feel lightheaded and soon lost my balance. Being to close to the edge of the docks though, I fell into the ocean water. Inside my mind I could hear him laughing. The beast inside me, laughing at me. Laughing at what he had done. Laughing, because he knew he won and killed me. My body started weakening and my lids begged to be closed. I watched as air bubbles escaped my mouth and the blood…my blood…leave my body. The sun's light had reflected in the water and gave a serene, peaceful look. I was losing consciousness. I could feel my body giving in, delivering my peace I so longed for. My last air bubble left my mouth. Soon, I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Soon, I'll be long gone. The sound of a heavy 'splash' reached my ears and just before my lids closed, I saw a light. His light. His bright, blue light and one red eye.
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"And if I bleed
I'll be knowing you don't care
And if I sleep
Just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something…"
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I groaned as my eyes slowly opened. My vision was still blurred and my mind had blanked. My ears picked up the hums and beeps of a machine. I turned my head to look at the source but soon found extreme pain run throughout my entire body.
"Serves you right." A voice softly spoke. Turning my attention ahead, I saw a blurry figure. It was too fuzzy to make out, but the familiar 'hum' of his cybernetic body was enough for me to realize who my visitor was. My vision began to clear up and I saw his features more vividly now. The blue glow of his machine parts shone on me and accented nicely against his ebony human skin. His towering figure loomed over me and his eyes held more pain than my own. It was faint, but I could see that he had been crying. Tear streaks were found on his face and his human eye had a small red tint to it.
"Why did you do it, Beast Boy?" He asked, his voice cracking with grief. I guess the fact that someone he knew tried to commit suicide put a lot of pressure on him.
"Cyborg…" I started, finding myself short of breath. It was still a difficult task for me. "I'm sorry." Tears welled in my eyes as I could sense his heart falling. "I couldn't…deal with the pain, I was in. I jus-just wanted it to go away. I figured, if I was…such a nuis-nuisance to everyone, no one would miss me." I choked out. "I'm so sorry." The tears numbly fell as I closed my eyes. All I wanted was the pain to stop. I wanted my friends to be safe. I wanted to feel accepted and loved. All I wanted was someone to love me. Someone I could trust and tell all my problems to. I felt his hand wipe away my hot tears. I looked at him with hope.
"I don't think of you as a nuisance. Sure, you get on my nerves sometimes, but the truth of the matter remains, you're the best friend I ever had. You understand me, just like I understand you. Whatever problems you're going through, I'll be there to help you. I'd miss you if you suddenly left us, and I don't think I would ever get over it. You're my best friend, and the little brother I never had." He leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear. "I didn't tell the others. It'll just be our little secret. A secret between friends." He pulled his head back and looked into my eyes. "I'm here for you." His smile was contagious and warm. I had been blind this whole time. In front of me was someone willing to listen and help me, but instead I took a shorter route to solve problems and ended up causing more pain and suffering. I smiled at my friend and my tired eyes closed, leaving him standing there to watch me regain my strength. As I slept, I was sure he would go back to his room and re-read the letter I wrote. The words on the paper were still burned into my mind and I thought about them as I slept peacefully.
Dear Cyborg,
Please, please forgive me. I won't be coming home ever again. I figured that living when I was obviously not appreciated was a waste. Maybe someday our paths will meet again and you'll see me being a cheerful teenager, the way I always lied to you. I'm sorry about all this. I just wish you could understand why I'm doing this. I'm in pain, and I've convinced myself that there's only one way to end it all. To rid the suffering and rejection I've endured since becoming 'Beast Boy' to the world. There is a beast inside me, and he demands blood. My blood. I've given into him and tonight at sunset, I will deliver what he wants. I'm going to kill myself to satisfy the world, the beast, and myself. I'll no longer be in pain. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm finally long gone and the Titans can live in peace without "the nuisance" around to bother you.
Besides, it's not like I'll be missed.
Sincerely yours,
Garfield Logan
a.k.a. "Beast Boy"
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"Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"