Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 18: Come With Me, We'll Take Tomorrow
Misted clouds swirled below as the sounds of stringed instruments gently swelled in their ears. The inviting symphony beckoned the fated couple forward, towards the unknowable future. The apartment door had slid shut behind them, briefly appearing as a silhouetted rectangle before quickly vanishing into the ether as they entered a world of colors and emotion.
Come follow me
I'll show you this side of the world
The places that you've never seen
Come follow me
The unknown siren's sweet voice filled their ears, calling, beckoning.
Come follow me
I'll show you the side of yourself
The person that you've always been
But never dreamed
"What is this place?" Asuka asked breathlessly. The fog danced around her ankles as she cautiously walked through a twilighted sky, faint glimmers of stars fading in as the sunlight dissipated.
The cool, calm air continued to settle below them, kicked up by their gentle steps as they explored the setting. The music continued to build, continuing its powerful pull on them. The predictable curiosity began to arise in her, as Shinji knew what questions were to come.
What could you be afraid of
If I'm right here with you?
You know everything will change
Show me what you are made of
'Cause I'm always with you
Come on, we could leave today
"Is that where we just came from?" she asked, looking at the ground below them, shrinking away. They were being whisked somewhere far away from here.
Come follow me, come follow me
"Yes," Shinji replied without looking down. "This is the sunset of that world: it's fading away, back to the nothingness it came from."
Come follow me, come follow me
"The nothingness?"
Come follow me, come follow me
Shinji wordlessly nodded before turning their attention to the sky above. Their velocity had increased and the couple watched upwards as clouds of stars rushed towards them. Neither could feel a thing, save for the brief tingling sensation of heading somewhere new; not even their clothes revealed the reality-bending interstellar travel they were undergoing.
The music continued to build and Asuka gently cautiously slipped her hand into Shinji's. He smiled down at her before looking back towards the sky again, taking a short breath as the skyline grew brighter.
"What's happening?" she asked.
"As long as you and I are together," he reassured her, "everything will be all right."
"'Everything'?" she repeated.
Look at this
World we're made for
Come with me
We'll take tomorrow
Everything you want
Is waiting for you
His hand squeezed hers reassuringly as they soared through the cosmos, "Everything."
Take it in
The light around us
Perfect love
Is all around us
Everything you need
Is waiting for you
And they were together. And it was all right.
Waiting for you
A heavy silence hung in the air as the musical swelled to its climax: they had arrived. As the sensory memory of the music faded in their minds, the fog thickened before slowly dissipating. The final test was about to be revealed.
Finally settled, Asuka spoke first, looking down again, hoping to again see the world that was once below her, "What about all those people? All of their hopes and aspirations? Their loves and-"
"They were only as real as a dream," Shinji had to cut off that line of thinking before it formed. There was no one else to assist here: neither Kaworu nor Rei were ever able to accompany him to this final stop.
"No," Asuka balked at the suggestion. "They were real. We had memories of them, I-"
Shinji shook his head, "False memories. The universe formed the moment your soul arrived in it: complete with memories and relationships. But they weren't real."
The hardest reality to face is that there was only one true world, everything else was merely smoke and mirrors conjured by a broken and terrified teenager with the assistance of a god. Yet another road Shinji had been down countless times before, another obstacle towards retrieving his beloved. He made this mess, and unmaking it would forever be his burden.
She shook her head in disbelief.
"It's the reason we struggled to remember specific things from before our arrival: they never happened, just remnants of a world that tried to be."
Asuka's head shook sporadically, the false thoughts and memories of that world sloughing off like shed skin. For a moment, the pangs of loss grabbed at her as she felt the only familial connections she'd ever had fade away. Her friends, her enemies, all turned to nothing. But this pain, too, faded; only the cold sensation of loneliness and emptiness remained.
"It felt so real."
Shinji lamented in agreement, also trying to shake off his own lost connections, "It always does."
Shinji watched the deeply conflicted woman: her careful movements stirred up the wisps of the sky as she thought herself in circles. He could see as the acceptance settled on her face and let out a brief sigh of relief.
The couple stood in silence as the last of the fog disappeared. With Asuka now having come to terms with the sudden loss of their last shared reality, he could take her forward, back home: but first they had to move from where they stood.
Asuka and Shinji stood alone upon a painfully familiar beach, red water lapping upon white sand, the stink of death and rebirth hanging heavily in the air. Shinji knew this was going to be the most difficult part to explain.
Asuka's eyes adjusted to the lighting as the sun finally set, finding herself standing on a horrifying sight upon the mysterious beach: before her lay an infinite stretch of bodies, all parallel to each other, feet towards the sea. None so much as blinked, all staring to the accursed heavens they were forced to rest beneath.
Even the beach itself revealed to be an infinite reproduction of the same stretch of sand: an unnaturally straight shoreline drew itself from left to right, with eerie slices of replicated waves ebbing and flowing. Everything here was a representation of somewhere, but not here.
Asuka slowly approached the bodies, recognizing each one as another version of herself in some form. Her mouth went dry as she stumbled backwards, unsure of how to process the sight. To her right, the infinite beach was dotted with hundreds of bodies along the shore; to her left were dozens more, but with sporadic gaps between them.
"What... what is this?" Asuka could barely get the words out of her throat.
"This is you," Shinji sighed, looking at the vast amount of work remaining ahead of him. "All of you."
"I don't understand," she replied, turning away. The already fragile woman could barely face the bodies, all hauntingly similar to herself.
"Every one of these bodies is a representation of your soul that I've yet to find. The gaps over there," he nodded to their left, "are those I have found and... brought back."
Asuka struggled to speak, unable to fully process what she was being told, "That's not possible."
He nodded simply, "It is."
Asuka gasped, forcing herself to turn and take in the sight, watching the expansive beach stretch into the horizon, "There's so many."
"Yeah," Shinji smiled weakly and responded the only way he knew how.
Every step nearer the end was interrupted by this reminder of how much was to come. Like a single grain of sand passing through the neck of an hourglass, it represented the successful operation of the laws of time, but a humble reminder of how much remained, and how insignificant each grain was in comparison. This, too, was but one piece of an infinitely broken girl, however all but insignificant in his eyes.
She approached the line of bodies, standing in the space directly before them, likely where she came from, and crouched down looking at the Asuka that would've been to her left. Her hand nervously reached out towards the body's face, but hovered just short.
That Asuka's hair was cut short, but otherwise looked the same as she always did, including the plugsuit. "It's just... me, with a haircut?"
Shinji nodded again, "Sometimes only the slightest things are different. Other times it's more drastic."
"How drastic?"
"Would you believe you were a pop star once?"
Asuka shook her head, unable to keep up with all the information being thrown her way at once. Again her attention turned towards the body before her and she looked herself in the eyes. "Why can't we just wake them all up now?"
Shinji had caught up to her and pulled her back upright, shaking his head again, "I've tried. They don't respond. I don't think there's actually anything in there, it's just a visual representation of what's happening."
"So, this place..."
"Doesn't exist," he finished. "I don't know exactly where we are, in my mind, or yours, or some space just before reality. But this is always the last stop."
"'The last stop'," she echoed, rooted to the spot. Her heart was heavy, weighed by an invisible anchor between each and every body on that beach.
Shinji gave a slight nod and tried to nudge her in the right direction, "The last stop before home."
Asuka still struggled to pull herself away from what appeared to be the rest of her heart. While most of the bodies had some distinction between them, the vibrant red hair and piercing blue eyes left little doubt they were all Asuka. The thing that stood out the most to the girl, however, were the expressions: almost completely empty and sullen, as if they experienced very few moments of true happiness. Even in an unconscious state, there was no light behind those eyes.
"They all seem so..."
"Sad?" Shinji stared down at the body before him, familiar with the curiosity this scene always inspired.
Asuka nodded.
"I'm trying to help that," he admitted. "One at a time."
The couple stood in silence for a moment, grieving in their own ways at the strange visual graveyard before them. Neither was sure how to broach the topic again and instead opted to walk away in silence.
Another doorway hung beyond the beach, glowing edges becoming the only guiding light in the strange representation of their original fate. There was no Tokyo-3 in the distance, no remains of buildings or streets; only a hazy mirage of colors existed past the portal.
"This is it," Shinji smiled. "We made it."
Asuka glanced at the luminescent rectangle floating in mid-air, "What's beyond here?"
"Home."
The young woman shivered slightly at the word, a strange reaction to what should be a comforting word.
"I, I can't remember what our home is like," she admitted.
"It's not much," he replied, "but it's ours. We moved quite a way inland, to get away from, you know, everything."
Glancing again back at the shoreline, she tried to gather her courage. Asuka would have to again step into the unknown, this time leaving behind an unknowable amount of her selves. While they weren't her, deep down she knew they were her.
"Is there anyone else?" she struggled to remember any details of their reality.
Shinji hung his head in defeat. The desolation was a difficult topic: no one else had ever returned from Third Impact. He and Asuka were the sole inhabitants of the tattered remains of Earth, as far as he knew.
They had explored most of central Honshu in the first year, searching and scavenging the few former population centers they came upon. Shinji had found his venerable guitar in Ayase, much to Asuka's annoyance. Thankfully, they discovered a functioning truck the next day, making transporting their scavengings and the instrument easier.
Despite their lengthy expedition, as well as their constant monitoring of the radio waves, no one else existed in Japan, let alone on Earth. They were truly alone. Other than the mysterious beings Rei and Kaworu. The enigmatic pair reappeared exactly one year after the events of Third Impact.
Shinji wept when he first laid eyes on the two, having already resigned to not seeing anyone but a broken, empty Asuka for the rest of time. He quickly noticed that while they had indeed returned, they were no longer human.
While human in appearance, neither being ate or slept, and both had the annoying ability to travel across time and space instantly. While amusing at first, the first time Kaworu unassumingly appeared in Shinji's bedroom while he was changing caused quite a scene.
Initially distrusting of the two that aided him in ending the world, Shinji eventually learned to accept their role as equal pawns in corrupted adults' schemes. And it was then that they both explained that while anyone had the ability to return from Instrumentality, no one likely would.
So Shinji stood silently, answering Asuka's question without ever answering it.
"Oh..." she replied.
Truthfully, his trips to a different world provided the only social interaction he'd had in the last half-decade. The chance to spend time not only with others but some version of Asuka provided a relief he never knew he needed until several visits. The Asuka that had returned from Third Impact was hollow and joyless, symptoms Shinji later discovered of her soul's fracture.
There were glimpses of hope, of happiness somewhere deep within, and that was often enough to keep Shinji going. After a few successful rescue attempts, she even began to smile a little more, which was confirmation enough that he was on the right path.
"There's plenty to do around the farm," Shinji explained, hoping to ease the awkward tension. "And, Rei and Kaworu are there sometimes."
"They are?"
"Yeah," he replied with a half smile. "It's hard to explain, but they come around often. We even started a string quartet together."
A quartet composed of the last four people on Earth. Formed in the remains of a high school gymnasium in Tokyo-2, the ensemble meets weekly, performing scavenged pieces of music on scavenged instruments, an attempt to feign normalcy again. These are the times when Asuka most resembles herself: short and snippy with not only the First and Third, but also the chronically tardy Fifth Child.
"That sounds nice..." Asuka trailed off, unenthusiastically.
Another uneasy silence formed between them, as eyes drifted back and forth between the mysterious doorway, the body-lined beach, and each other. Neither knew what to say, nor where to begin; instead they awkwardly stood, both afraid of whatever would come next.
Eventually Asuka's attention was dragged back towards the beach, her eyes beginning to well up at not only the sheer number of bodies that remained, but the unbelievable amount of spaces representing those already saved.
"I can't- I can't believe you did all this," she squeaked out.
"Yeah," was all Shinji could reply.
Asuka looked away from the scene, avoiding his gaze, "I don't deserve it."
"You do."
"No, I don't," she asserted. "I caused all this and you have to clean it up."
"No, no," Shinji refuted. "You didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"Asuka-"
"And I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anything."
Her demons were returning, just before their escape to reality. Shinji feared this last-minute problem more than anything: he'd failed this late before.
"Asuka, I think you need to know why I'm doing this."
"Shinji-"
"I'm doing this-"
"Please-"
"-because-"
Asuka turned towards him, her eyes shimmering with tears.
"I love you."
"Shinji, I-"
"You don't have to say anything," he interrupted her again. "Ever since I hurt you, I've dedicated my life to fixing my mistake. I cared for you and didn't know how to reach out, to tell you how I felt.
"In my weakness I let you get hurt, and then left you to feel abandoned, and then I hurt you myself. And I said 'No more!'. Never again would I let you feel as if the weight of the world rested on your shoulders. I would be there to help carry it with you.
"And now I'm doing this because you deserve better. You deserve to be happy and whole again. To be one with yourself and decide for yourself how you..." he gulped, "feel... about things."
"Shinji, please-"
"I know there's a lot, and it's not fair to ask you to help every time. I can do- no, I will do this."
He fell silent, having spilled his guts.
"And what about you...?" her voice was nearly a whisper.
"Who cares about me," Shinji replied quickly. "I can figure that out later."
Asuka sniffled and asked gently, "Who are you doing this for?"
"I'm doing this for you."
She sighed again, "You still haven't learned, have you...?"
"Learned what?"
"To love yourself "
"I hate myself for what I did!" his voice rose. "I'll never forgive myself. Ever. I can't ever take it back, but I can make it right!"
Shinji's outburst caught both of them off-guard and he took deep breaths to calm himself. He watched in fear for any sign that he'd gone too far, but saw nothing but resolution on her face.
Silently, she made the only gesture she could and placed her hand gently upon his chest. Taking a step forward, she looked up into his deep blue eyes and faked a smile as best as she could.
Shinji was silent, awaiting a response. She'd never said those three words back to him, but maybe this was it: here, in this moment, in this place.
Instead, she said something far worse.
"How can you expect me to love you if you don't even like yourself?"
The familiar words shattered his heart as he froze to the spot. Concrete coursed through his veins and Shinji's body refused to react, to move
"I need some time..."
"Asuka-"
In an instant, sapphire met cobalt as she gazed into his eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry."
She leaned forward and quickly kissed his lips, the lightest graze of angel's touch he could ever imagine, before pushing him backwards through the door. Time slowed as he tumbled, down, watching as the doorway disappeared in the sky above, her painful words echoing in his heart.
I'm sorry.
Song: "Always Been But Never Dreamed" by Hydelic, from Tetris Effect