A/N
My beliefs about my school obligations slowing down we're... unfounded.
Although I am rather bogged down, I'm doing my best to be diligent with the time that I have. Most is devoted to school or work, but I'll keep finding the time to upload here.
However, come 2023... in particular the months of January, February, and March, I will be writing three different thirty-page papers... concurrently...
Needless to say, I will be a miserable husk... a shell of a person...
The future is grim, my friends... and academia is cruel...
Well, anyways...
Chapter 77…
"Y'know, you should really consider yourself lucky, 'Kara."
Still resisting the urge to rub her temples, Ashley turned her sore eyes away from the hallway around her and towards the windows of the MCS Dorado. Out in the void of space, the distant bright lights of stars lazily drifted by.
"Hey?"
"What?" Ashley replied, with a little more scorn than she really intended. "Sorry…?"
"What, is your brain still scrambled from that simulation pod?" Barker scoffed. "You didn't hear me?"
"No, I didn't."
"I said that you should really consider yourself lucky," Barker repeated himself. The man stretched out one finger and wagged it in Ashley's direction, as if she was a small child in need of a scolding. "And, you should be very grateful."
"Why am I… either… of those things…?" Ashley sighed. She regretted asking the question the moment the words left her lips. Speaking with Barker was like opening a floodgate. Once you got it open, there was no stopping it…
"You're lucky to have an employer who treats you so well," Barker gestured to himself before wrestling his metal flask out from his breast pocket. "And you should be grateful for all of the help, guidance, and charity that I've given you this past little while."
Ashley loudly scoffed at Barker.
"Hey, I found you on that nowhere-planet when you were at the end of your rope and I gave you a job!"
"I had a job," Ashley sneered. "I was working in lumber; and it wasn't all that bad. At least I wasn't getting shot at."
"I bought your friends in that little town the loading titan you requested…" Barker frowned.
"Only because I agreed to take a large pay cut."
"Okay, fair," Barker conceded with a long sigh. "But…"
The man stopped and turned on his heel to face Ashley. Barker held up one hand to steady the dark haired woman before leaning in uncomfortably close.
"I've kept your secret, haven't I?" Barker spoke in a whisper and cocked his head.
"My secret…?"
"About who you used to work for."
Ashley felt something unpleasant coiling around in her chest. Nervous butterflies fluttered about in the dark haired woman's gut, churning and turning as the quiet implications of Barker's statement sunk in.
"Are you…?" Ashley hesitated. "Blackmailing me?"
"Huh?" Barker blinked. "Oh, did it come across that way?"
"How else was it supposed to come across!?" Ashley sneered and batted away Barker's hand.
"I assure you, I'm not," Barker awkwardly cleared his throat and took a step back. "I misspoke. All I'm saying is I would appreciate a few more kind words out of you, that's all…"
"I thought you said that you enjoyed my… 'acerbic wit'..." Ashley cocked her head.
"Oh, I do… just not when it's always directed towards me," Barker gestured to himself. The man peeked around the hallway for eavesdroppers before lowering his voice. "Forget what I said before about your past employment history. If you worked for him, then you're worth every credit… and so far you've done nothing but impress, time and time again."
"You're welcome…?"
"All I'm saying is, I've really tried to help you out," Barker sighed. "I mean, just a few minutes ago. I offered to help you find a new titan, which aren't exactly cheap if you can believe it, and you tried to blow me off. What gives? You really should try to be more appreciative of the people around you."
"I-" Ashley began, but stopped herself just as quickly. The nervous feeling in her gut had subsided somewhat. Although she was loath to admit it, even if it was just to herself, Barker did have a bit of a point. "You're… right. Sorry, I'm just not used to being around helpful people."
A few years ago, back when she was with her old squad in the IMC, she had been around helpful people. But there was little kindness to be found in the dingy shanties of Erebus II. There was even less kindness to be found amongst the ranks of the Apex Predators…
So far, the Angel City Elites had been… alright. But a little more open than Ashley was used to…
And although Barker was a constant unwelcome annoyance, there was no debate over who Ashley personally preferred as her employer. Blisk always kept his word and always paid well, but money and power had always been his principle motivators. Barker had at least some semblance of a moral code… or rules of engagement…
"You're sorry about what?" Barker gave Ashley a knowing, expectant look.
"I'm sorry that I don't thank you enough…" Ashley grumbled. "And this is starting to feel humiliating. Can we just get this over with?"
"Of course, I know that you have a very busy schedule of isolating yourself in your room and drinking yourself into a stupor, I won't take up much more of your time…" Barker gestured to the hallway before them. "After you..."
Thankfully, Ashley wouldn't be subjected to isolation with Barker for much longer. Her employer had led her the majority of the way to the Dorado's titan hanger. After passing through a special hermetically sealed door, Ashley stepped into the loud, vast expanse.
Once you saw one titan bay, you saw them all. But the rush and colour and noise was always overwhelming.
The massive war machines which were in active service had been carefully positioned on large, designated pedestals; their massive bulks partially suspended by massive chains and winches. Those titans which had yet to be assigned a pilot or a computer core had been stored on massive racks which protruded from the walls of the hangar.
Technicians and titan mechanics rushed about as they completed their tasks. The ambiance of the room was deafening - a combination of the whir of torque wrenches, the crackle of welding torches, and the pounding of metal against metal.
"Nice to see my tax dollars hard at work!" Barker half-yelled into Ashley's ears, his sole voice fighting to be heard over the deafening cacophony which filled the room. "How's your head?"
"It still hurts…" Ashley grumbled. "But what else is new…?"
"Hah!" Barker clapped Ashley good-naturedly on the shoulder. "C'mon, let's go take a gander. There's plenty going begging."
Ashley's employer led her through the chaos. Barker navigated with practiced ease, spinning around technicians and ducking out of the way of carts. Ashley, her eyes still burning from her time in the pod, had notably more difficulty. Passerby gave her strange looks. Ashley could only assume that it was the dark sunglasses still perched on her nose…
"Alright, crane your neck and take a look," Barker swept his hand towards the racks hanging above Ashley's head. "See anything that catches your eye?"
Pushing the sunglasses a little bit down the length of her nose, Ashley craned her neck and did as her employer requested. There was something strange about looking up at the many titan models; Barker spoke about them as if they were just any ordinary product, like different types of candy in a shop.
Much like candy, the titans were varied in both size and color. Ashley immediately turned her attention away from the Ogre-class titans. They were heavy and unwieldy - useful in some situations but utterly lacking when it came to mobility. Those of the Atlas class were also ignored. Middleweights weren't anything special. Sure, it was nice to have a "jack of all trades" option… but what was the point if they didn't excel at anything…?
Naturally, Ashley's dark eyes settled on the lithe Stryder classes. In the mess of servos and limbs… Ashley could spot the recognizable form of a massive metal broadsword, strapped to the back of one of the titans…
Ashley felt a small pang of pain in her chest… so she tore her eyes away from the long blade…
If there was one thing that all of the titans had in common though…
"Scrap…" Ashley half-muttered.
"Huh?" Barker yelled over the noise of the hanger. "Did you say something?"
"Yeah, they're all scrap!" Ashley yelled back and narrowed her eyes. "Look at all of them! Torn plating, singe marks… that one right there is missing an arm. I was under the impression that these would be new!"
"Waste not, want not!" Barker offered Ashley a smirk. "The Militia re-purposes whatever it can. Most of these were scavenged! Don't let the looks fool you, a bit of t-l-c and they'll be ready for battle!"
"Ugh…" Ashley rubbed her face. "I regret thanking you for anything…"
"Hey, you can still walk out of here with a shiny new friend…" Barker scoffed. "What do you say?"
Ashley bit her lower lip. She slowly switched her gaze between the hanging racks of titans and the expectant face of her boss.
What could Ashley say?
'No thank you…?'
The words echoed around in Ashley's head. But try as she might, the dark haired woman couldn't refute one of Barker's arguments…
… a pilot needed a titan… and Ashley was a pilot, pure and simple.
'...not having a proper titan puts you in even more danger… and you can't repay your debt to a titan that's long gone, 'Kara…'
Cain was long gone. Dead… if that was even an appropriate term for a titan.
Cain had commented on that once… on the concept of life and death. Ashley wondered if there was an equivalency for a date-core like him. But much like understanding what came after death, assuming death was even the end at all, it was a futile affair…
"I-" Ashley hesitated. "I don't know if I can do this…"
Barker looked frustrated before his face softened.
Ashley knew that she had just shown weakness. But what else could she have said? There was no logical argument against taking a new titan, only an emotional one…
The dark haired woman felt pathetic.
"Yeah, I get it…" Barker cleared his throat and looked away from Ashley awkwardly. "It doesn't have to be today… but it needs to happen before this next mission. How about we take small steps…?"
"Such as…?" Ashley frowned.
"Small steps, baby steps…" Barker muttered inconclusively. "Like making sure your head is ready to handle the shock of the linking process again."
Ashley hesitated for a moment and took a few deep breaths.
"Fine."
Having taken Barker's suggestion, Ashley allowed her employer to lead her to their next destination. Thankfully they didn't have to walk far - only to a room adjacent to the rest of the titan hanger.
Compared to the raucous expanse Ashley had just been standing in, this next room was a welcome change of scenery. The dimensions of the room were perhaps twenty feet by twenty feet, with low hanging lights and featureless grey walls.
The room itself wasn't important - only what it contained. Lining the walls were a series of padded chairs, six in total. Each was reclined backwards. Each also boasted a complicated looking set of clamps and restraints. The most defining feature of the chairs, however, were the large halo-esque rings which rose above the backrests.
'What is this place…?'
Barker wasn't providing Ashley with any answers. For the short duration of the walk to this room the older man had been preoccupied with his personal communication device. Barker had kept the device next to his ear, muttering something Ashley couldn't hear, before he finally switched it off and tucked it away inside his pocket.
"Alright," Barker cleared his throat and dusted off his pants. "Grab a seat, 'Kara. Any one will do."
"What… are they…?" Ashley muttered in confusion, her dark eyes fixed on the six chairs lining the walls of the room.
"Yes, these are… how do I put it…?" Barker hummed. "Mental mops."
"What?" Ashley scoffed in confusion.
"It's just a nickname," Barker waved his hand dismissively. "I don't remember what the actual name for them is… and even if I did I doubt that I could pronounce it - too many syllables. They're designed to clean up the inside of your head."
"Why and how…?"
"How? No clue," Barker shook his head. "Why? Well, why else? The human brain undergoes quite a bit of shock when undergoing the titan linking process. If you don't want your brain fried, you need a clean slate. These devices will ensure that."
"What do you mean by a 'clean slate'...?"
"How did you lose your last titan?"
"Huh?" Ashley blinked.
"Give me an answer… be vague if you want to…"
"I… lost him in battle, he saved my life…" Ashley frowned. "While I fled."
"And…" Barker trailed off for a moment, not meeting Ashley's eyes. "You spent the next few months in that little town… where you were never given the opportunity to terminate the old link."
"Terminate the link…?"
"When you link with a titan, you become one," Barker tapped the tips of his two fingers together. "But even if one half is taken away, like when your titan died… traces still linger around in your grey matter. If you tried to link to a new titan before cleaning up inside your head, there could be some very negative side effects…"
"I-"
"Like brain death," Barker offered Ashley an uncharacteristically serious look. "Everything I just said to you is the layman's definition… but relevant."
"So these machines…?" Ashley trailed off, her gaze once again transfixed on the chairs.
"Baby steps…" Barker spoke in a low tone. "Small, necessary steps…"
The door to the room opened with a hiss, capturing Ashley's attention. Standing in the open door frame was a familiar woman, a small diagnostic kit dangling from her right hand.
"Val," Barker cleared his throat. "Thanks for coming."
"Real short notice of you though…" The grey-eyed woman muttered, her short hair tied back with a faded cloth. The pockets of her jumpsuit bulged with tools. Dark oil stains soiled the fabric of her sleeves. "I was in the middle of some diagnostic work."
Ashley struggled to meet the curious gaze of the other woman.
"What's going on?" Valentina's eyes flicked between Barker and Ashley.
"I need your help operating one of these," Barker cocked his head in the direction of the chairs. "You see, 'Kara here needs to terminate an old link."
The implications of Barker's statements were starting to settle in… and Ashley could once again feel anxiety twisting around inside her gut…
"Ah, I see," Valentina frowned as she set down her diagnostic kit. "First time, Ishikara…?"
"Something like that…"
"Don't be nervous, I know that they look like torture devices… and the process is a bit uncomfortable… but pretty fast, all things considered."
"Well?" Barker cocked his head and turned his gaze towards Ashley. "Grab a seat. Any will do."
"I-" Ashley hesitated for a moment, nearly wilting under the stares of the two other people in the room with her. "Alright…"
Stepping tentatively towards the nearest of the six identical seats, Ashley bent down and tried to settle herself. The seat itself was incredibly uncomfortable, with a ramrod-straight back that made Ashley's shoulder blades ache.
The dark haired woman's world shifted back as the seat reclined, leaving Ashley at a harsh angle with her eyes pointed towards the ceiling. Her head settled against a rest, her neck squeezing between two stiff pillows - immobilizing her.
"The process is incredibly fast… and I've done this quite a few times…" Valentina's pale face hovered over Ashley from above. "Here…"
Ashley's team leader reached down to pick the dark sunglasses off of her face, which she tucked away into her pocket.
"I'll give you those back later…" Valentina spoke softly. "Take a few deep breaths and close your eyes…"
Ashley silently did as requested.
'Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…'
With her closed eyes leaving her in darkness, Ashley relied on her hearing and sense of touch to ascertain what was going on around her. She could feel the halo-esque ring which sat atop the headrest being lowered and secured around her temples. Ashley could hear the soft whine of diagnostic machinery being booted-up…
"Small steps, 'Kara…" Barker's voice sounded from… somewhere…
"The machine is still booting up, we have to give it at least a minute," Valentina's voice also sounded from… somewhere…
In an instant… the world fell away from beneath Ashley…
Ashley kept her eyes closed as instructed. But she felt strange. She knew where she was… and what was about to happen to her… but Ashley felt as if she was one-thousand miles away from it all. Trapped in the dark world behind her eyelids, Ashley floated in the void…
In this limbo, Ashley was reminded of her time after the botched attack on Antheia. That little window of time before she stumbled into the small town of Okraina - that little window of time where the hallucinogenic effects of the mountain flowers had her consciousness seized by living nightmares…
Ashley had always been a bad person. But that violent trip had forced her to truly understand just how bad she was… understand the pain and misery she had showered down on others her entire life…
Something had changed inside of her after Demeter. Watching the planet, the teammates she had abandoned, and everyone else unlucky enough to be on it… burn to ashes… it had stirred a guilt inside that Ashley didn't know she was even capable of at the time…
That creeping guilt motivated Ashley to make a split-second choice during the attack on Antheia. Her actions there, just something as small as throwing off the aim of the massive cannon, had spared hundreds of innocent lives.
But no good deed went unpunished…
Ashley hadn't been the one to suffer for her choice… Cain had. Cain the titan, bound to his rigid programming, who in one last act of selflessness discovered a loophole and saved Ashley's life… while also ensuring his own destruction…
'What did he refer to his programming as…?' Ashley thought hard, struggling to remember the contents of their little conversations…
'Strings."
Ashley took in a sharp breath at the sound of the voice.
It hadn't been hers.
"Ashley…?" Asked the same familiar voice. "Can you hear me?"
But Ashley could now barely hear the voice over the whirring of the machine she was strapped into. Was the voice pleading with her? Ashley couldn't tell. The noise of the machine silenced Ashley's thoughts much like how water extinguished flames…
Totally and completely.
Ashley needed to get out of here - needed to leave. There was nothing she was more sure of than that.
"Stop…" Ashley coughed and sputtered. She fought and clawed her way out of the dark void, out of the limbo, opening her eyes and flinging out her hands to grab anything within reach.
"Hey, what are you doing!? Calm down!"
"Dammit, 'Kara, what the hell!?"
The voices yelling at Ashley's fell on deaf ears. Her eyes burning from the light of the room, Ashley tore herself out from the confines of the dark chair. Two pairs of hands fought to push her back down but Ashley battled them away as she surged upwards into a standing position.
"Hey, 'Kara… what the hell is wrong with you!?" Barker's face suddenly occupied Ashley's vision. His voice sounded far-away… even though he was right next to her. "Answer me!"
"I-" Ashley gasped, but the words failed to escape her lips. The dark haired woman's head was pounding. She could hear her heart thumping in her chest, the rush of blood in her ears…
"Hey, are you alright…?" Valentina asked more gently - pushing Barker aside so that she could occupy Ashley's vision. "The process hadn't even started yet."
"What is the matter with you, 'Kara!?" Barker snapped.
"Hold on, her pupils are dilated…" Valentina held back her employer with one hand. "I think that she's in shock-"
"Stay away from me!" Ashley finally managed to gasp out. The words came out slurred and heavy, as if Ashley's lungs were full of water. "Both of you! Not- not again!"
Storming past her teammate and her employer, Ashley stumbled to the door and made her desperate escape…
Cain had spoken to her… spoken to her as if he was in her head still…
…maybe he had never left.