GIVE ME MONEY!
By Ryu-Gi
Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?
Author's Note: Valeria, if you don't recall, is the girl at the Item Shop in SC3. And by the way, that thing she says here about money? It's true.
Chapter 5-Laundry Loopholes
Rock had nowhere to go after the fiasco in the jail, so he decided to tag along with Olcadan and Lizardman for a while, despite his better judgment. The three of them left the town behind and went as far as they could away from it. Needless to say, Taki was relieved of Duty for a while. She seriously needed time off…
The trio was back at the Silk Road Ruins plotting their next scheme.
"Dude! We should, like, rob a bank!" said Lizardman.
"We already did that, numskull." Said Olcadan.
Lizardman went into another mushroom-induced trance.
"Duuuuuude…pancakes are awwwwwwwesoooooooooome…."
"Is he always like this?" asked Rock.
"You have no idea." Said Olcadan.
A few Red Bulls later Lizardman was back in reality, and by that time Rock and Olcadan had come up with the new plan.
"If we can't get any money we'll make our own!" said Rock. "We'll counterfeit!"
Rock explained the process to Olcadan, who immediately set to work on making a printing press for their counterfeit operation. Rock set about getting some paper for them to print the money on. As for Lizardman, he drooled on himself and then called it a day.
Over at Raphael's evil fortress, the evil French vampire was beginning to wonder about the two half-animal guys that still owed him money. It was taking them an awful long time to pay him back.
"Amy? Where are you?" he commanded.
"I'm standing right next to you, Daddy." Replied Amy.
"Ah, yes, there you are. How long ago was it that those two freaks stumbled into our café that we planted in the middle of the desert?"
"About a week, I think."
"And this is no use to me at all!" said Raphael, pointing to the Ancient. The dusty old box that he had stolen from Olcadan was currently being used as a paperweight, as Raphael hadn't been able to get it to open for some reason.
"Still not working, huh?" asked Amy.
"No! I've tried everything! I yanked it as hard as I could and I even used my evil crushing mallet! Nothing works!"
"Did you try running it under the sink with warm water?"
"Yes!"
"Here, let me look at this thing," said Amy, taking the Ancient off the stack of papers. She turned it around several times in her hands. And opened it.
"How'd you do that!" yelled Raphael.
"There was a latch on the side. All you had to do was unhook the thing."
"I knew that…"
"Riiiiiight…" said Amy.
"Anyways, put that aside for now, I'll deal with it later. In the meantime, we must make sure those freaks get me my money! I spent a fortune on that Café, and those drinks were the only profit it ever made! I am entitled to that money and I will have it!"
"So why don't you just hire someone to find 'em?"
"Huh?"
"Just hire someone to go after them and get the money from them. You know, like a loan shark."
"Oooh!" squealed Raphael. "It'll be just like in the movies! Amy! Call in someone who can do the job!"
"On it, Daddy," said Amy.
The printing press was complete. Olcadan looked at his handiwork.
"Well, it looks like these hands aren't just for fighting!" said Olcadan proudly.
"Dude! Other dude!" said Lizardman, strolling in.
"What is it now, Lizardman?" sighed Rock.
"There's like, a problem, man. I like, took the paper that Other Dude brought in? And then, I like, put them in the washer…"
"Washer? What the…!" said Olcadan. All three of them ran over to the Washing Machine in the basement. There were bubbles and wet papers everywhere.
"What did you do this time!" yelled Olcadan.
"I was laundering money."
"What?"
"Yeah, Other dude, like, told me we were gonna launder money and stuff? So he brought in the papers, and I thought, 'dude, wouldn't it be nice if I laundered the papers for him?' so that way I could really do something for the team, you know, man? Really contribute!"
"Yeah, Lizardman. This helps us out a lot. Way to go." Grumbled Olcadan sarcastically.
"Well, failing at that, at least we know have a working bathhouse down here." Said Rock.
A wet pair of underwear floated by Olcadan's leg. He then proceeded to leave the basement right away to clean his leg off with the garden hose.
"Well, this was a complete disaster! Not only did Lizardman manage to flood the entire basement and get all his old laundry all over us, but now we're out of paper, too!" said Olcadan.
"Dude! We could totally, like, go back to that Wal-Mart and get some more paper!" said Lizardman.
"Well, let's see now. Last time we went there, we tried to rob the place. By now they would recognize us next time we go in and would throw us back in jail, where some creepy prison weirdo would make Rock their girlfriend."
"Why me?" asked Rock.
"Think about it, Rock. Take your time." Said Olcadan.
"Dude, since, like, paper comes from trees, we could, like, get a tree and make paper out of it!" said Lizardman.
Olcadan stared at Lizardman. For once, Lizardman had come up with a plausible solution. Which was scary. Mainly because it was coming from Lizardman.
"Okay, new plan then. I build a machine to make wood into paper, Rock, you go cut us down a tree with that giant Mace thingy of yours." Said Olcadan.
"But we're in the middle of the desert. The nearest forest is hundreds of miles away!"
"So look for an oasis or something. There'll be palm trees or something." Said Olcadan.
"Okay…" Rock left to look for an oasis, while Olcadan began making a Paper-making machine. And Lizardman helped himself to another blue mushroom.
The door of the castle opened. The silhouette of a girl was framed in the entryway.
"You're late." Said Amy, "The boss will not be happy for this."
"Bring me to your boss." Said the girl in the doorway.
Amy led the girl to Raphael's office. Upon opening the door, a huge wall of smoke cascaded out and filled the corridor.
"What the…!" coughed Amy.
"Come on in…" said Raphael.
"What the…Daddy? Where are you? And where did all this smoke come from!" coughed Amy, squinting to see through the smoke.
"Lead her in, dang it! I don't pay you for nothing!"
"You don't pay me at all!" said Amy.
"Okay, fair enough, we'll talk later, just bring her in." grumbled Raphael.
Amy fanned the air in front of her, finding a chair and letting the girl sit down in it. After groping around for a few moments, Amy finally found Raphael's side of the table.
"You come to my humble abode. You don't bring no presents, you don't bring me no cup of coffee…" said Raphael in a very fake sounding Italian accent.
"What is this? Are you doing Godfather imitations again?" asked Amy.
"Shut up." Said Raphael, dropping the voice. "Anyways, straight to the point. I have a few people who owe me money and I need you to find them so I can get that money. Got it?"
"At what price?" asked the girl.
"I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse…" said Raphael, continuing his blatant Godfather charade, "…how you say…a lifetime supply of bird food for all those birds that are always following you?"
"Sounds fair." Said the girl.
"Amy, lead our good friend Tira out. She's got us a few unpaid debts to take care of." said Raphael.
Amy Lead Tira out. The moment the two were out of sight, Raphael began coughing violently. He had been holding it in the whole time.
The top of a palm tree suddenly rammed Olcadan in the rear.
"Whaaaaa! Watch where you're sticking that thing! And what in blazes took you so long!" said Olcadan.
"NEED WATER NOW." Said Rock, dropping the palm tree and running for the bathroom.
"Lizardman, while Rock's busy rehydrating himself, can you please contribute and put the tree into the paper making machine!"
Lizardman snapped out of his latest trance to pick up the tree and feed it into the machine, but not before he snatched the coconuts off it, saving them for an art project later.
A little later, after much work, the paper produced by the paper machine was fed into the money printer, which then expelled fresh new paper money.
"YES! FINALLY! WE HAVE MONEY!" Exclaimed Olcadan, "Now, all we have to do is trade it in for real money and pay off Raphael!"
A few hours later found the trio at a local supermarket. Olcadan was buying milk, Rock was buying an issue of the New Yorker and Lizardman bought a pancake mix. The conveyor belt was awfully slow.
"Paper of plastic?" asked the employee at the cash register. Who just happened to be Valeria.
"We'll be paying with paper, not a credit card." Said Olcadan. Rock then elbowed him in the side.
"He means paper bags."
"Ow! What was that for?" said Olcadan.
Lizardman was too busy staring at Valeria to notice what was going on.
Valeria put the items in the paper bags and then did nothing for several seconds.
"Well?" she eventually said.
"What?" asked Olcadan.
"Aren't you gonna pay me?"
"I'd love to pay you…" mumbled Lizardman. Rock then elbowed him in the side as well, only harder.
"Here you go…" said Olcadan, beginning to sweat. He pulled out a few bills of their homemade counterfeit money and handed it to Valeria.
"Thank you." She said, taking the money. Then she suddenly stopped.
"What is it?" asked Rock.
"Excuse me one moment." Said Valeria. "Are you guys counterfeiters?"
"What! Pfft. No, of course not!" said Olcadan, laughing nervously.
"They're so…enormous…" mumbled Lizardman.
"You're a pig." Said Valeria to Lizardman. She then turned to Olcadan. "This is counterfeit money. And very badly counterfeited, I might add."
"What! No! Those are one-hundred percent genuine bills!" said Rock.
"A little hint? Next time, don't print your money on paper. Real money is actually printed on pressed cotton threads, idiot."
"Aw, crap…" muttered Olcadan.
"SECURITY!" screamed Valeria.
"RAIN OF BLOOD SHALL RAIN DOWN TODAY!" screamed the security guard. Who, obviously, was Astaroth.
"Can I have your number? Cause I can't remember mine." Said Lizardman.
Valeria slapped Lizardman.
"RUNNING TIME!" Yelled Olcadan.
Rock grabbed Lizardman and the three of them bolted.
A bonus character this time appearing as a guest star! How about that?
Press that purple button and review!