GIVE ME MONEY!
By Ryu-Gi
Disclaimer: All copyrighted franchises and all items related to them that are mentioned within this Fan Fiction are all the intellectually property of their respected owners. Also I highly recommend that you never try any of these stunts either. So I don't get sued, you know?
Chapter 6- Violated Volunteers
Tira's eyes scanned the skies. It had been an hour since she'd let her watcher scour the town. From atop the roof of the high tower, she panned her vision downwards to try looking for him in the streets. She found the bird, with it's feathers as dark as a moonless night, perched upon an upturned cart that belonged to a street merchant. Various multicolored fruits and vegetables had been scattered about. The merchant himself was busy cleaning up the mess. The raven, however, was busy pulling something out of the side of the cart. It had gotten itself wedged in a crack.
Finally, a clue to her target at last. She giggled with anticipation as the dark bird stretched its vast wings and took to the skies, returning to her, it's unnatural red eyes glinting in the sunlight. Tira held out her arm, her pet landing on it gracefully like a piece of torn silk. It its beak it held the item which it had retrieved from the upturned peddler's cart. Tira held out her other hand, and the bird dropped it into her outstretched palm.
It was a single white feather. But unlike a normal feather it was unnaturally large. There was a faint hint of something in it that made Tira's body quiver. She held it to her face, closing her eyes and deeply inhaling whatever traces of the owner of the feather had left behind. She visualized the target in her mind.
"People are most beautiful…right before they die…" Tira whispered. Raising her head to the sky, she laughed maniacally.
"Aw, crap…" said Olcadan.
"What?" said Rock from the couch.
"Lizardman's got his head stuck in the toilet."
"Well, at least it's our toilet this time."
"Word up."
"Gurgleburdle-bleh!" said Lizardman.
Rock got off the sofa, grabbed Lizardman by the tail, and yanked him out of the toilet.
"Yow! Watch it man, you're gonna yank my tail off, dude!" said Lizardman. He took his tail in his hands and began rubbing it.
"So…" said Olcadan, sitting down. "Do we have a new plan yet?"
"Actually, I've got one this time," said Rock, pulling out a newspaper. He handed it to Olcadan and pointed to an ad in the classifieds that Rock had circled with a red marker.
"I'm desperate and am looking for a good man…read Olcadan. "What is this…?"
"What? Oh, sorry, wrong one…that's mine…" said Rock, grabbing the newspaper and circling a different ad. He then handed it back to Olcadan.
"Drug test volunteering?" questioned Olcadan.
"All we have to do is go in, get injected with whatever stuff they have, and then get paid! It'll be a piece of cake!" said Rock.
"You do realize that this stuff is all experimental, right? I mean, for all we know it'll make our heads grow the size of watermelons."
"Dude! That would be awesome!" said Lizardman.
"Exactly how does having an oversized head count as awesome?" asked Olcadan. "Oh, wait, I just remembered who I'm talking to. Never mind."
"Dude! Having a big head means that, like, you have a bigger brain! And that would make you, like, Einstein and stuff! Ooh! Ooh! Or, instead of making your head big, It could make you grow another arm! You'd be the best ping-pong player there ever was, man!"
Olcadan sighed and put his head in his hands.
"Ooh! Ooh! Or, maybe you would become a giant cyborg! Then we'd all be famous because everyone would come to see the giant robot! And then evil spies from a competing company would steal the formula and turn themselves into evil giant cyborgs! Then you could be, like, a superhero and blow them all up with your heat-ray vision! Then the aliens would come, and make clones of them, so they'd be giant mutant alien clone cyborgs from another dimension! Then…!"
Olcadan shoved a blue mushroom into Lizardman's mouth. Lizardman instantly shut up and began sucking on the mushroom.
"So we're all going to get shot up?" asked Olcadan.
"Looks like it." Said Rock.
"Perfect…" said Olcadan, his tone of voice betraying his words.
Of all the possible people, why'd it have to be him? Why not that other guy? Or that one over there? But wait a minute; they were both here, too, so that made them suffer the same way he was doing now.
Raphael was in jury duty.
Exactly how he, the evil French Vampire super villain, had been dragged into that bleak room filled with many strangers was a mystery. He wished Amy was there. She would know what to do. But she wasn't there. Which meant he was alone on this one. Which really sucked. A lot.
"Sorel, Raphael?" said a very nasal female voice though a loudspeaker.
Raphael fumbled with his paperwork. Had he signed everything? Bah, it didn't matter, he was a super villain! He didn't need to sign stupid paperwork anyway! He approached the front desk.
"Please hand in your paperwork, Mr. Sorel." Said the nasal lady. Which, for once, wasn't a character making a cameo, because the author wanted to add that cameo later in Olcadan's part of the story.
Raphael threw the crumpled mess of documents onto the desk.
"Sir, did you sign everything?" she asked.
"I…um…I think so…" he stuttered. Where had that come from? Why was he suddenly unable to radiate pure evil from his very being?
The lady handed back one of the documents.
"Sir, under 'name', you put 'Mount Rushmore'. Unless you're a mountain with giant president heads carved into it, I don't think that's you're real name. You need to write in your real one, sir."
"Um…okay…sorry, I…um…was nervous…" grimacing, he took the paper back over to his seat. He pulled out a pen and began crossing out "Mount Rushmore". He sighed. It was going to be a long day.
It was going to be a long day for the trio. According to the papers they had been handed upon arriving at the hospital, the drug that they would be testing was called "Miramase". It was supposed to be an instant cure for migraines. They would have to stay there for a few hours in order for the doctors to monitor any side effects the drug could have.
"This place scares me, man…" said Lizardman, his eyes darting around nervously.
"Fear of hospitals?" asked Rock.
"Dude. I get nightmares about hospitals for some reason. In it, I'm naked and stuff, and this giant guy grabs me by the legs and slaps me on the butt and I start crying…"
Rock became instantly fascinated by the amount of tiles there were on the ceiling.
"The Doctor will see you now." Said the nurse. Who was Xianghua.
"About time." Said Olcadan.
The trio entered into a very plain-looking room, which gave the appearance of being extremely sterile. Every surface of the room was a blinding white color. It reminded Rock of an old folk's home, only cleaner, and without scent of urine.
"HEEEEEEYYYYY KIDS!" screamed a voice.
"HEEEEYYYY, DUDE!" responded Lizardman.
The Doctor walked in. Who happened to be Kilik.
"HOW ARE WE ALL FEELING TODAY!" Screamed Kilik.
"Fine, but we'd be better if you would stop screaming in our faces," said Olcadan.
"Is there something wrong with your voice?" asked Rock.
"I HAVE A VERY RARE DISORDER! FOR SOME REASON I CAN ONLY SPEAK VERY LOUDLY!" Responded Doctor Kilik.
"So how's this work? You're gonna stick us with a needle or something?" asked Olcadan, holding out his arm.
"ONLY YOU WILL GET THE NEEDLE! THE OTHERS WILL GO TAKE ALTERNATVE MEANS OF INTRODUCING THE DRUG INTO THEIR BODIES!" Screamed Doctor Kilik, spit spraying out of his mouth like a very leaky fire hydrant. "YOUR FRIENDS CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN THE INHALANT VERSION, OR THE ANAL VERSION!"
"What do you mean, 'anal version'?" Asked Olcadan.
"I call the inhalant one!" said Lizardman.
"What the? Aw, son of a crap…" said Rock.
"ARE THE DRUGS READY FOR ADMINISTERING!"
"Yes, Doctor Kilik!" said Nurse Xianghua. She wheeled in a cart with several items on it. One was a huge three-foot long needle. The second, what looked like an ordinary inhalant device, and finally, a single sterile latex glove with what looked like a very large probe next to it.
"You first." Said Rock, nudging Olcadan. "Please."
"So what're your excuse?" asked a guy next to Raphael.
"What?"
"I said, what's your excuse for getting out of here? I'm saying that I had a heart attack. You?"
"I have no need to come up with an excuse! I am Raphael Sorel, the man who defeated the Azure Nightmare! I am the ruler of my own Valley in Romania! I EAT THE UNHAPPINESS OF MEN! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE! WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
Raphael let his words sink in.
"Oh, I see, you're going to say you're insane. Got it." Laughed the man.
"Jerk." Mumbled Raphael.
A few painful moments later, the trio was now seated in chairs. Doctor Kilik and Nurse Xianghua had retreated to a room behind mirrored glass to observe the effects of the drugs on them.
"Hey, you okay Rock?" asked Olcadan.
"I'm okay!" said Rock in a very high, squeaky voice.
"HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Yelled Lizardman.
"What the…? Lizardman, you feeling okay?" asked Olcadan.
"Dude! I gotta pee! Really bad! Right now!" said Lizardman, crossing his legs and hopping around.
"I feel…pretty!" said Rock.
"What…!"
"…oh so pretty!" sand Rock.
"Oh, good heavens above, please no…" said Olcadan, sighing heavily.
"I feel pretty! And witty!" sang Rock.
"AND GAYYYYYYY!" sang Lizardman.
"ARRGH! MAKE IT STOP!" screamed Olcadan, covering his ears.
"SEE THAT PRETTY GIRL IN THE MIRROR THERE!" sang Rock.
"WHAT MIRROR WHERE!" added Lizardman, continuing to hop around with his legs crossed.
Olcadan pounded on the mirrored glass.
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" he yelled.
It was too bad that the doctor and nurse weren't actually paying attention to the chaos that was occurring in the test room. They were too busy making out. Violently.
"SUCH A PRETTY SMILE SUCH A PRETTY FACE SUCH A PRETTY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" sang Rock, doing a back flip at the same time. Which wasn't pretty considering he was wearing a loincloth.
Lizardman was busy trying to sit on top of the water fountain in the corner to continue singing the next part of the song. As for Olcadan, he was pounding his head against the wall as his feathers started to turn blue…
About seven hours later, Raphael was still waiting to be called. So far all that had happened was that they'd been trying to select members of the jury panel, without much luck.
He was just about ready to fall asleep…in fact his eyes were steadily drooping…
"Raphael Sorel?"
"Wake me up in five more minutes, mommy…" muttered Raphael.
"RAPHEAL SOREL!" Said the lady firmly.
"I'm awake! I'm awake!" said Raphael.
"Mr. Sorel, please sit down in one of the juror seats, please?"
Raphael, still half-asleep, stumbled over to the chair, and tried to sit down but missed the chair entirely and landed flat on his bum. Blushing, him climbed into his chair. Only to fall over again.
"Mr. Sorel, do you need assistance in sitting down in the chair?" asked the judge.
"No, I'm good…" said Raphael, finally sitting down. Only to have the chair break under him.
"Mr. Sorel, do you have any problems mentally?" asked the Judge.
"No! How dare you insinuate that I am stuperd…I mean stupid!" said Raphael, speaking so fast that he mixed up his words.
"Guard, please remove Mr. Sorel. He is excused on account of his apparent mental disorder…"
"Right this way, sir." said the guard, helping Raphael off the floor and leading him to the doorways at the back of the courtroom.
"Let's see…apparently, the drug has many extreme side effects-hair, or in this case, feathers, will turn blue. The bladder will also lose control, and also causes some brain damage which leaves the user feeling very loony afterwards." Said nurse Xianghua, straightening her hair.
"YES, AND IT SEEMS OUR SUBJECTS HAVE ALL PASSED OUT AS WELL!" said Doctor Kilik, adjusting his tie.
"Shall I have security remove them?"
"BE SURE TO GIVE THEM THE MEMORY ERASING DRUG BEFORE YOU DO! IF THEY DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, WE WON'T HAVE TO PAY THEM!"
Olcadan woke up with a huge headache. He couldn't remember a thing. Where was he? And why was he holding a corn dog?
His only option was to blame Lizardman. Stupid Lizardman.
Review, and I'll do another chapter! The awesome Kirby demands you do it! (o)>