Chapter 8: Nothing to Gain, Everything to Lose

Brooke's POV

As the funeral comes to an end and Keith is being lowered into the ground, I can't even begin to fathom what it's like for Lucas and Karen. I've never lost anyone close to me before. Actually I've never had anyone to lose. I always had Peyton, but that was different. I never really let my guard down because growing up she needed me to be strong. She had lost someone and I couldn't put any troubles on her. It makes me wonder whether I am better off because of that. Not having anyone around growing up kept me from being vulerable. That way I never had to get used to being loved and then have it ripped away. But as Lucas has taught me, being vulerable is how you know that you are alive. They say it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved before. Now I know that is true because I wouldn't take away a second of the time I have spent with Lucas, even through all the bad times. With every moment of pain and heartache I got ten times that amount of tender love and care. Lucas made me feel something I had never experienced before.

I never thought I was truely worth anything and everyone in my life up until now had proved that theory right. But with him I'm special and different, not the cookie cutter cheerleader image I taught myself to portray. I'm not juse another pretty girl, but his pretty girl. Everytime he says those words to me, I feel an flutter in my heart. That is the best feeling anyone could ask for. For the first time in my life, I am scared of losing that feeling. At any moment love can be taken from you and you don't expect it. You don't have time to prepare yourself. I must keep Lucas by my side at all costs and show him how much he means to me. He has to know that I am here for him and it would kill me to lose him again. The first time we were together my feelings were strong, but completly one sided. Now that the love is reciprocated, I have even more at stake. There is nothing to gain and everything to lose.

Looking at Karen, I see how broken she has become. She lost her lover and best friend and with him her soul. I don't want to ever be that way. If something happened to Lucas, I would want to crawl in that coffin and die with him. Luckily he's young and healthy and that's all I can ask for. Although, the past couple days I have been really worried about him. He has become so guarded and closed off and I feel like there is nothing I can do. Of course he has told me how much I mean to him and that he loves me, but there is something deep inside of him that he is burying and I can see it is eating him up inside. I wish there was more I could do...

Flashback

After we ate dinner, Lucas and I were cleaning up the kitchen. I was washing the dishes and he was drying. He looked over at me and smiled.

"What?"

"I never in a million years thought I would see Brooke Davis with her arms deep in dishwater. In an apron and rubber gloves I might add."

"Oh you don't remember the slave labor your mother put on me last year when I was grounded?"

"I would hardly call that slave labor. I had to teach you how to mop."

"You always have to remind me of that don't you?"

"Well you were so cute trying to use that sponge. My little Cinderella."

"And of course you were Prince Lucas to the rescue."

"Like I said then and like I'm saying now, anything for you."

"And the same goes for you. Especially now Lucas. I want you to know that."

"I know Brooke. And you are amazing for it. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you just being around. You have helped so much and I can't even begin to imagine what condition I would be in without you."

I reached out my hand and touched his face. "Well you never have to worry about that."

"I don't know whether I am touched or grossed out that you are touching me with the dirty rubber gloves."

I slapped him on the arm and laughed. "Way to ruin the moment Romeo."

"No, that moment can never be ruined. It will always stay with me."

"Good. Well, now that the house is all spick and span and you and your mom are fed, I think my work here is done."

"You're leaving?" He had the most adorable puppy dog face I had ever seen.

"I just thought I would give you a little time to rest. You must be sick of me."

"Not possible."

"Well don't you want to be alone with your thoughts?"

"That's the last thing I want."

"So you don't want me to go?"

"Please don't."

"Okay but I don't want to leave too late. Last thing we need is for me to be sleepy and get in a car accident." As soon as those words came out of my mouth I felt like the biggest idiot alive.

"That's not a funny thing to joke about Brooke."

"Hey I'm sorry. You know how I say the stupidest things without thinking."

He smiled. "I know and that's what I love about you."

"Well gee thanks."

"So anyway, about leaving?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay the night."

"I don't think your mother would like that very much Lucas."

"I don't think she would like anything very much right now Brooke. Plus she is passed out and I am sure will sleep through the night. Plus I don't want to be alone. I can't be alone."

"You are never alone. Of course I'll stay."

"Thank you Brooke. That means the world to me. You mean the world to me."

"Ditto. Plus the moon and the stars."

He gave me a strange look and laughed. "What?"

"Where did you get that line?"

"I don't know. Probably from Nathan and Haley. Sounds like something I would have heard them say. Why you don't like it?"

"No it's not that. I just never thought of you as a hopeless romantic."

I reached up and placed my arms around his neck. "I never thought so either, but you just have that effect on me Mr. Scott."

"Good cause the same goes for me Miss. Davis. So you want to watch a movie or something?"

"I'm kinda tired."

"Yeah it's been a long day."

"I'd say so."

"So you ready for bed?"

"I don't have anything to change into?"

"When has no pajamas stopped you before?"

"Funny."

"I'll give you something of mine."

I raised my eyebrow and said in the sexiest way possible, "I hope so."

"I meant to wear."

"Of course you did."

"But the other option can be arranged as well."

"Of course it can." I giggled. It felt good to still be able to joke around with Lucas and have a good time. But then something felt not right about it. I realized, as much as trying to make things feel normal for Lucas was what he needed, it wasn't the right time to be acting this way either. "Actually now that I think about it we should just be frinds tonight."

"Friends?"

"Yeah, no sex."

"That's a first coming from you. I thought I was the one in this relationship that was supposed to withold sex."

"Well the tables just turned buddy."

"Well I'll take whatever I can get. I just want you next to me and to hold you in my arms."

"Wish granted. Let's go."

We walked into Lucas's bedroom and he opened up his dresser while I sat on the bed. He pulled out something and just stared at it. A minute went by without him moving. "Lucas?" He didn't respond so I got up and went over to him. He was holding the Keith Scott Body Shop sweatshirt. I looked at his face and saw the tears running down. It was the first time I had ever seen Lucas Scott cry. Of course I had seen him upset, but never like this. I reached up, ran my hands through his hair, and kissed away the tears. "It's okay. Let's find something else."

"No."

"No?"

"I want you to wear this Brooke."

"Are you sure Lucas?"

"Yeah. By you wearing this I can be close to you and Keith at the same time. It can be like he is there as well."

"That is really sweet and creepy all at once." He laughed and I saw the tears were gone.

"Of course you have to think of it that way."

"Well I am me of course."

"Thank God for that."

"No really I would be honored." He tossed me the sweatshirt and a pair of basketball shorts.

"Keith would be honored. He was always very fond of you Brooke."

"The feeling was mutual."

I started getting changed while he slipped out of his clothes, into a pair of pajama bottoms and got into bed. I finished and turned to make my way to the bed when I noticed him looking at me. "What?"

"You're so beautiful."

"I'm wearing big baggy men sweats, my hair is a mess, and all my makeup is gone."

"And I repeat, you're beautiful. That's how I like you best."

I crawled into the bed and got under the covers, placing myself right up against his chest. "You always know the right thing to say."

"You make it easy. And I know as long as I have you here everything will be okay."

"It will." I felt myself starting to drift off to sleep and I felt more at peace than ever before.

Lucas's POV

In this moment, I knew I couldn't hide the truth from her any longer. She deserved to know. So did my mom. I couldn't leave the two woman I love in the dark. I finally realized that I had to do that right thing and start taking care of myself. Not just for my sake, but for theirs. They wouldn't just lose me, but I would lose them in return. And I couldn't. I needed them more than ever. Especially Brooke. I know my mom will always be there for me no matter what, but what Brooke will feel is what scares me most. I know how much I have hurt her already and I don't want to put her through any more upset. I don't want her to leave me. And I know her. Whenever she gets scared she runs. That's the biggest reason I am keeping my HCM a secret now. It's not about the basketball so much anymore. Basketball was and always will be a big part of my life, but it's not what matters anymore. Brooke is. My mom is. My family is. And I will do anything to protect that.

"Brooke?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you still awake?"

"No I'm answering you in my sleep."

"I realize what a stupid question that was now."

"It's okay. What's up?" She looked up at me and moved her head to my shoulder.

"I have something important to tell you."

"Alright. Shoot."

She had so much love and trust in her eyes. And I could see the hope she had for us. How was I going to tell her this without crushing that. I can't do this to her. Especially now. This had to be the worst time. I don't want her going into Keith's funeral tommorrow worried about me dying. And it was Keith's day. We should be honoring and remembering him. I would never take that way from him. My secret would have to wait yet another day.

"I love you."

"Is that it?"

"Why is that not enough?"

"I thought you said it was important."

"That's the most important thing."

"I love you too." I gave her a tender kiss and looked her in the eyes.

"Goodnight Brooke."

"Night Lucas."

A few minutes later I could tell she was asleep by her slow and even breaths. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep with all this on my mind. I just sat there and watched her. She had this look of pure bliss and contentment which made me feel better and worse all at the same time. If only she knew what we were about to go through next. I had nothing to gain and everything to lose.

TBC