"Last time on Survivor!" Randy teaches a class of very confused Ravenclaw second years.
"The houses finally merged, and two factions of original tribes started to form." Shots of Draco, Snape, and Lavender being stank with a quick flash of Cho, Parvati, and Hermione clittling.
"At our third annual survivor auction, Ron took Draco on a transphobic Airbnb date." Shots of them having disgusting sex.
Montage of Parvati getting a massage and Dumbledore and Lavender chilling in a cauldron. "Hermione and Big Snape won big," Hermione holds up her time turner, and Snape rocks the immunity necklace.
"In Draco's absence, the girls thought he would be an easy target." Parvati smiles as she schemes with Cho.
"The Slytherin three wanted Hermione's head because she is a big stank witch, but strategy took over, and the linchpin player, Parvati, was blindsided in a razor-thin margin." The Ravenclaw second years started booing. "Eight are left; who will be voted out tonight?"
Magic Tribe
Night 12
The magic tribe returns to camp in a somber mood.
"This game is gasplay, gaswit, gaslast. Watch this." Lavender walks over to Cho in a secluded cave.
"What happened? I voted for Draco?" Lavender whispers fervently to Cho as they walk away from camp.
"So Ginny flipped? We are so fucked."
"Do I believe Lav?" Cho makes a disgruntled face, "not really, but if playing along gets her back on my side, I'm doing it."
As Ginny walks over to the two girls, she asks, "What the fuck was that?".
Cho snarled, "that fucking scoundrel," referring to a howling Hermione with Ron.
"Ginny, why did you vote for Parvati?" Lavender pushes her big lie.
"I fucking didn't! I liked Parvati! It must have been Hermione, that annoying whore." Ginny concludes.
"There's no way the Ravenclaws backstabbed each other. Even though Hermione is transphobic, I know she would rather have Draco out, especially over Parvati. If I got blindsided, that would've made more sense." Ginny explains in a cracked-out matter.
Hermione walks over fatly.
Lavender levels with Cho, "you can trust me," Hermione makes an incredulous face.
"They're both lesbians," Hermione lifts her head back haughtily, "Lavender is the lipstick lesbian, and Cho is obviously the MAN."
"You need to turn on Snape, girl. You think they're taking you to the end?" Cho guilts her.
Lavender says, "I know, I know, we can do it."
Ginny is all like, "I agree."
"It might be too soon." Blinking coquettishly, Lavender fixes her skirt.
A strong wind blows through camp.
"I was taking an angry sleep over our last tribal council, and then I woke up because of the damn owls, and suddenly," Hermione removes her skirt. "Somebody put cement in my vagina! Who would do that?"
Draco and Ron hide their wands and scamper off. "Cemento vaginosis was a great spell Malfoy." Ron chortles.
"Playing that prank on that muggle bitch with Weasel made my heart and penis grow four sizes." Draco laughs. "I decided to do something drastic and radical."
Near the ocean waves away from camp, Draco drags Ron by his cock, "I have something to give you. I want to make this serious." Draco's voice becomes gruff as he drops onto a knee.
Ron is just like, "Wut? Are you havin' a laugh?"
Popping his barely visible lips, "I want you to be a Malfoy; I've never felt loved. Will you make me the happiest man in this room of requirement and secretly marry me?" Presenting a ring that's in the shape of a snake.
"My mum would disapprove of me marrying a man, especially a Malfoy," Ron explains, "but I couldn't turn down his puppy dog eyes."
"I will." Intense close-up of Ron's sausage finger as he slips on the ring.
A pixie chills in a tree as an owl swoops by and eats her in one gulp.
Albus and Snape sneak off to the well, and Snape kisses him on the mouth with vigor. "We can keep picking off the girls," Snape says in between intense lip-smacking.
"Snape can be pretty forceful," Albus turns his wrinkly turkey neck to reveal a healing bruise. "Sometimes, you must step back in this game and let someone tell you what to do. All the blood can't be on your hands."
A crab scuttled through the sand as most of the tribe huddled in the shelter.
"Only a few more votes, young death eater prince," Snape drones and plants a kiss on Draco's neck.
"I like to keep my options open." Snape explains away his nasty behavior, "Dumbledore is a passenger in this game, and I need a pilot to crash into that Ravenclaw tower." A shot of Cho and Hermione both standing erectly next to each other.
The sun with a wizard hat rises, melting the ice caps.
Immunity Challenge
Day 13
The magic tribe walks into a large room with an oversized tessellated floor. Talking and moving chess pieces are fucking on the board.
"Welcome everyone to your next challenge, and before I explain the rules," Randy wiggles his wand about, "Drop those buffs for me, see?"
Gasps spill out.
"You can't be serious?" Snape asks.
"What!" Lavender drops her purp buff at her feet.
"This was unexpected. Two teams of four?" Cho purses her lips, "easier to win this challenge, I suppose."
"Let's go down the line."
Cho shoves her hand into the magical sack that automatically appears in Randy's hand. She pulls a yellow buff which earns an eye roll. "New Hufflepuff? Okay."
A fun montage begins with Ron, Draco, and Hermione pulling yellow buffs while Snape, Albus, Ginny, and Lavender pull green.
"Now that you're all in your new tribes, I can announce that today's challenge is wizard chess! Wizard's Chess is the magical version of the classic board game Chess. When a piece is taken, it is removed by the attacking piece, often in a barbaric manner where the losing piece is smashed violently by the winning piece. If you get knocked off your chess piece, you're out of the challenge. The last tribe standing wins, but BOTH tribes will attend and vote at tribal council." Randy explains.
"Okay, for Hufflepuff, we have king Cho, queen Draco, rook Ron, and bishop Hermione."
"On Slytherin, king Snape, queen Albus, Lavender, and Ginny on pawns."
"I don't know how to play chess. That's a game for nerds." Lavender says haughtily.
"We flipped a coin, and Hufflepuff will move first." Cho nods, "Pawn number eight, move one." The pawn piece sprouts legs and moves one place on the board.
"It's my turn now!" Ginny says, moving her pawn forward.
Draco takes the chance to move a bishop forward, blocking Ginny from moving forward.
Ron takes this opportunity to move his rook forward.
"Good job Ronald," Draco says, jumping off the queen and onto the knight.
"What are you doing!?" Cho yells at him.
"I am trying to stop Weasley from making a stupid move."
"Ugh, fine!" Cho sighs.
"I'm not making a stupid move, you faggot!"
Hermione sits on her bishop and looks over at Ginny angrily.
Albus moves his queen.
Lavender moves her pawn forward; she looks perplexed.
"Ginny, you're up. You may move a piece," Randy says.
Ginny moves her pawn forward.
"Draco, you can move one of your pieces," Randy says. Draco moves his knight forward and blocks Lavender's pawn from advancing.
A dramatic time-lapse as many white and black chess pieces explode into each other.
"I don't know how long I can keep doing this," Snape says.
"Are you sure?" Albus asks, looking over at him.
"Yes," Snape says firmly, "I'm sure. But good luck, anyway."
"Thank you, sir," Albus replies before attacking a knight.
Draco watches him move his queen and then looks at Ron and Hermione.
Draco trembles, looks unsure, glances at Ron, and mouths, "I can't." in a British accent.
"You have to win this challenge. Not me, not Hermione, YOU!" Ron says as he falls from his knight and is eliminated from the challenge.
"Wow," Hermione says, impressed.
"This is the most boring thing ever," Ron complains as he lies on the ground, defeated.
"Shut up, Ron," Draco says. "We must win this immunity, or you're going home."
Albus smirks and whispers his strategy to Snape.
Cho notices their lapse in judgment and sends a rook flying into Dumbledore.
The next move is Lavender's. She fucks up, and she gets caught in a rook's way the very next turn. "Ahh! I'm falling!"
Ginny looks nervous as the game slips away.
Draco slides his queen sexily, cornering Snape. "Checkmate!" Cho exclaims, and the chess pieces scream in excitement.
"Hufflepuffle wins immunity!" Randy throws up his hands.
Ginny frowns as she carefully departs her pawn.
"New Slytherin, you all have a twenty-five percent chance of going home. Head back to your camps; see you tonight."
"I may not be the smartest or prettiest girl, but I am definitely the most mentally ill." Ginny stomps away from the challenge, "I think I know what to do."
Draco holds the immunity port key boot close to his chest, "It might have been better to lose to get rid of that annoying cunt mud blood, but I'm safe, and that's good enough for me."
Hufflepuff Tribe
Day 13
The four return to the barren Hufflepuff camp. "Shit, your sister is not a good housekeeper," Draco notes and throws his shit on the ground.
Ron sits erectly, "That challenge was hard. It showed that those Ravenclaw bitches are still too smart, so I think I am going full Slytherin once we re-merge." Dramatic tribal shouts are overlaid as Ron corners Draco into a tree.
"We need to vote for one of the professors." Ron decides.
"We can use Snape." Draco says, "Dumbledore isn't as useful."
"Yeah, he shoulda been out a long fucking time ago," Ron says and places a tender hand on Draco's neck.
Cho walks along the beach in her lonesome, her long straight black blowing gallantry in the wind.
"It feels like I've had my sights set on Snape this entire game. I just worry that I am two days late and a pussoir short." Cho says in a voiceover as she walks up to Hermione brushing her curly ass head.
"Herm, I know you hate Ginny and Lav-" Hermione cuts her off.
"I know we have to be strategic here. I want the final two to be you and me. I know I'm not winning this game."
"My strategy is to be a dead fish that they drag too far. Ms. Chang is a way bigger threat for the win."
"So you're good on Snape? If we do lose Ginny, it would just lock Ron in with us. Actually, let me go talk to him."
"I'll taunt Draco. He needs a good smack."
The two girls separate.
Hermione stomps up to Draco, lying in the shelter as their fire burns out.
"Malfoy, what the fuck are you doing? Nothing? At least be useful and vote out someone who's a threat. You do nothing around camp." Hermione kicks over a dirty pot.
"What are you suggesting?"
"Vote for Dumbledore, duh. He's in Snape's pocket."
"No shit, dumb bitch, I know those old fags are up to no good," Draco says.
"Well, that's great!" She concludes.
"Tonight's vote doesn't matter to me as long as it isn't me, and it can't be." Draco is shirtless and shrugs.
Ron is fishing and failing as Cho delicately walks up to him.
"Ron? I think your younger sister is in big trouble. We need to mobilize and take down Snape." Cho blatantly campaigns.
Returning his bobber to his hand, Ron says, "heard,"
"If Ginny goes home tonight, oh well." Ron stands with his arms crossed. "Never underestimate a man with the heart of a Gryffindor and a husband with an enormous cock." Ron grins like a dumb slut. "And YES. I do hold the Survivor record for sucking the biggest penis."
Slytherin Tribe
Day 13
Ginny sprints for the machete and cuts her wrists. "Professor Dumbledore, I am so sorry, but I must let it all come out. I can't take another tribal council."
"That girl looks very weak, and once we redrew buffs, Severus would want her head on a platter. I imagine Lavender is thinking the same thing." Albus explains as he sits outside the first aid tent as Nurse Gollum wraps Ginny's wrists.
Snape and Lavender are eating rice. "Ginny? Right?" Lavender asks, and Snape simply nods at her.
"Now, is Ginny the one I want to go home tonight? Hell no! I could make a big decision tonight and blindside Snape, throw a vote on Albus, or seal Ginny's fate. I feel like I'm choosing between people I can beat immunities later down the line, which sucks." Lavender sighs and buries her feet in the sand.
Ginny returns to camp looking sickly, and Snape leaves the girls alone to be gay.
"Girl, I am not voting you out tonight," Lavender says as Ginny scarfs down some Zoloft.
Weakly coughing, "Same. It's going to be Snape or me tonight."
"Yeah, and I don't want either of those outcomes."
"Is she gonna vote herself? Like yes, the geriatric is so dangerous and needs to go." Ginny rolls her eyes.
After taking a piss, Albus wraps his luscious purple robe back on as Snape sneaks up. "Let the girl go, Albus. It will guarantee our victory."
"Our? What about cutting Lavender tonight? Ms. Granger would love to hear that." Acting prissy, Dumbledore strokes his beard.
"That would be foolish, and you know it. The optimal move is to cut Ginny. She's confused and fat. I wouldn't trust her to open the bag of rice." Snape says.
Albus grunts as the room of requirement quickly shifts into the night.
"We need to stomp on that cockroach Ginny Weasley once and for all." Snape steadies his torch across his breast.
"Good luck, I guess. I can't believe I lasted two weeks in this game," Ginny says somberly. "If I'm out, I hope Ronald takes it all the way."
"Each vote gets harder every time. I always feel like I have so many options and never know what to do." Looking pretty blazed and thot-like, Lavender trails the Slytherin tribe to the tribal council. "I am so impulsive." She giggles as a bell jingles.
Tribal Council
Night 13
"Let's bring in the jury," Harry comes in on a leash, wearing a dog mask. Hagrid walks Harry in. Parvati follows behind in her beautiful pink saree, looking very I-word.
"Oi, New tribes again?" Hagrid says.
Parvati nods, "too many twists."
"Yes, half of the final eight are immune. How much does that affect tonight?" Randy asks everyone.
"A lot Randy. I am in a rough spot tonight," Lavender reveals.
Hermione laughs, "This is the easiest decision I will make."
Ginny ignores Randy's question, "Ron, I need you." Ron runs over to Ginny, who whispers in his ear. "Please, I'm going home." Ron nods, and the captions do not pick up his whispers.
"Interesting development. It seems like all eyes are on Ginny tonight."
Scoffing, Draco says, "since half of us are safe, I think you're going to see a blindside tonight. There's no risk."
"That's very juvenile, Malfoy," Snape glares at him.
"I think you should vote with your heart, whatever makes you feel good." Ron states as he returns to his seat, and Cho laughs at him.
"It's a numbers game. Which three people can you trust is the million-dollar question," Cho says as tribal shouting intensifies in the soundtrack.
"Professor Dumbledore, you have been awfully quiet. What's your take on tonight?"
"It'll be nailbiter for sure. I'll cut the bullshit. I implore you to write down Lavender Brown's name tonight." Mouths agape from Ron, Harry, and Hermione. The main hall grows eerily quiet.
On the verge of a panic attack, Ginny closes her eyes.
"Albus, you can't be serious," Snape says.
Lavender sputters. "Maybe I should vote for you, Dumble! Eye for an eye bitch!"
"Oh wow," Randy nods, "With those outward threats and idols still potentially in play, let's see what happens. Hermione, You're up first."
She votes as Crookshanks jumps onto her shoulders.
"I'm sick of you. You don't think for yourself." Cho holds up [Snape]
Draco snottily is all like, "kill yourself, bitch"
Ginny blinks awkwardly as she uncaps the marker. "I'm pretty sure I'm getting four votes, and I'm done for."
"I wasn't expecting to do this tonight, but you shot yourself right in the foot." Lavender writes down [Prof. D].
"This is for George!" Ron nasally says and votes for [Dumbledore].
Coughing, Albus says, "you should have flipped earlier, silly girl," [Lavender]
Walking to the voting goblet gaily, Snape sways his hips going up to vote, and when he returns to his seat, he crushes his testicles when he crosses his legs.
"I'll go tally the votes."
Dramatic music plays as Harry looks bored as fuck on the jury.
Randy retrieves the votes, "If any of you have an idol and want to play it, now is the time to do so."
All eyes are on Albus, Severus, Ginny, and Lavender, and they all sit there awkwardly. Albus clears his throat and coughs a bit.
"I'll tally the votes." Randy continues as Harry barks from the jury.
High-pitched violins begin playing.
"First vote is for," Randy digs his meaty hand into the goblet of fire.
[Ginny]
She hangs her head low. Ron's eyes widen.
"Next vote,"
[Prof. D]
Albus cracks his knuckles.
Lavender smiles until,
[Lavender] pops up in Randy's hand.
"Fourth vote,"
[Snape]
"We are tied with one vote for all the eligible options. Four votes remain." Snape frowns. Cho places her hands together, heavily focusing on Randy as he stalls.
[Ginny]
She grabs her bag by her feet in anticipation.
"The next vote,"
[Dumbledore]
Albus rolls his eyes, "Silly children."
Randy laughs as he pulls out the seventh vote.
[Snape]
"We have two votes for Ginny, two votes for Dumbledore, and two votes for Snape, and if the final vote is for Lavender, we have a four-way tie."
Intense tribal screaming crescendos as Ginny bites her hand, and Dumbledore opens his robe to make it easier to get up while Snape looks very constipated.
Ron and Draco hold hands, and Cho smiles evilly. Hermione brushes her hair, not giving a fuck.
On the jury, Parvati's mouth is on the floor. Hagrid is busy fucking Harry on the bench.
"The twelfth person voted out and the fourth jury member."
Randy holds the vote closed and grins.
[Snape!]
"Professor Snape, I need your torch." Albus produces a handkerchief and wipes his eyes. Snape stands up and quickly heads over to Randy.
"Snape, the tribes have spoken."
"Indubitably." He walks out stankly.
Cho and Hermione giggle together as Randy addresses the group before they leave. "Everyone, drop your buffs again. We are remerged back into the Magic tribe." He throws a sack of buffs to Ginny.
"We are approaching the end game. You could say the jury is half empty or half full. Who do you want to sit next to in the final two? If you aren't thinking about it now, you should be. Head on out, guys; see you tomorrow."
Lavender clutches her breasts while Parv smiles really big at Cho as the final seven dip.
"Unbelievable," Snape smokes a cigarette as the train whistle blows, "I don't know what the hell Albus was thinking by throwing his vote again. He's too erratic, and so is that dumb slut Lavender Brown. I'm glad I can head to ponderosa to whatever freaky shit Hagrid is doing to Potter." He stomps out his cig butt and departs.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR
After Snape's blindside, everyone is at each other's throats. Lavender, Hermione, and Dumbledore all threateningly point their wands at each other in a triangle formation.
"Trying to get everyone to agree is like herding cats." Cho grimaces as she talks to Hermione.
"I didn't vote for you," Draco says to Albus, who wipes his face in shame.
"I've been poisoned I need some antidote!" Hermione's face turns green.
Votes
Snape- Cho, Hermione, & Ginny
Albus- Lavender & Ron
Ginny- Draco & Snape
Lavender- Albus