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2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
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Time heals all wounds, right? Whoever said that should be shot. Time, it just rips those wounds open further, and drowns them in salt and whiskey. You see, I should know a thing or two about wounds, seeing as how I am a surgeon and all. The thing is, there are different kinds. There are the superficial ones, they might hurt for a few days, and then they go away, no harm done besides a simple inconvenience. There are also the ones that aren't that deep, but they hurt more than you could imagine, and after a few weeks, and a few antibiotics, they are forgotten. Finally, there are the deep ones. The ones that stay with you long after they are healed, they sting, they fester, and bleed anew, they leave the deep protruding scars that you can almost relive the pain every time you see them. Those, they suck. I could probably rival some of the worst scars ever. I just returned from seeing my father after 20 some odd years, I learned that my mother, who has Alzheimer's was a dirty cheating ho, and oh yeah, I am still completely head over heals for my ex, who is married. Not to mention I have become the president and founder of the dirty mistress's club, members including me and Mark Sloan, they guy who cheated with my ex's wife, isn't my life peachy. I have the right to stand alone in my room and look out at the rain. Now George is in my room. He tells me what I know, that he likes me, a lot.
"George, you are probably a great guy, but you don't want me, no matter how much you convince yourself that you do. I believe that you can't be in love with two people at the same time. And I don't know if I will ever get over Derek."
"You really love him don't you."
"Yeah, but, I don't want to lose any friends, so lets not freak out…lets just be friends."
He hugs me.
"I'd like that…I officially am allowed to say that I have gotten the 'just friends' talk."
He smiles and walks out the door.
"Hey Mer."
"Yeah."
"When things look down, look up."
I look up at my ceiling.
"It works a lot better when your outside and the sun is out. Night Mer."
"Night George."
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'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
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"Hello my fellow dirty mistress."
"Dr. Sloan."
"Huh, Dr. Sloan eh, I could have sworn I hear someone say McSteamy when I walked by."
Oh joy.
"Hey, you're lucky not everyone gets a nickname."
"You had to make us rhyme though, didn't you."
"McDreamy. McSteamy, ha! Never noticed. I have to ask you, are you a real asshole or did you love her."
"I am just like you…except I have a penis."
"So, you still love her."
"Yeah. He still loves you."
"Is it sad that we want the same couple to break up? And exactly how long do you plan on staying here in Seattle. You're from New York, you are genetically engineered to hate everywhere except Manhattan." Just like McDreamy.
"You know me well, scarily. You will find out what I am still doing here soon enough, for now, I better go before I get knocked out again."
"What?"
"McDreamy." I look up and see Derek looking at me from across the hall, then you see Bailey walking toward you with the rest of the interns and her baby.
"Grey, come on. Okay interns, this is the week where we find out what you all should do. This is specialty week. Even though I am technically still on maternity leave, MY interns scared all of the other residents away. So, I'm back. And I got your assignments. Each one of you will get a resident, and you will spend the week with them. So, here we go. Stevens, you're with Dr. Montgomery-Shepard. Karev, you're with the visiting Dr. Sloan, George, you're with Burke, Grey and Yang, you're with Shepard. Have fun, don't break anything, or anyone, I am going home, and if I get paged even once, you will be cleaning bedpans and doing rectal exams for a week. Understand? Then go."
"So, you and I, neurosurgery." Cristina, she is smiling.
"We can't even get our minds straight, much less other peoples."
"Just think of it as a way of learning, more."
"We are gonna have soooo much fun." She puts her arm over my shoulder and laughs. Shepard comes over.
"Grey, Yang, we have a surgery in about fifteen minutes, aneurysm, we need to get in there as soon as possible, OR 3."
About two minutes later, I am in surgery prep standing next to Shepard, washing my hands.
"Mer, you okay?"
"What? Oh yeah."
"You sure, you look a little tense."
"This is the room, four days ago I was standing right there with my hand on a bomb. You never know what it is like, to think you are about to die until it happens. It just, you see things, you notice things, that you never think about until then. The other day, I was with a patient. He actually made hate tapes to all of the people who ever hurt him. That's why I went to see my dad last night. Now, I only have one tape left to make... Sorry, I just—"
"It's okay. Lets go be heroes."
"Yeah." He looked at me and I walked into the OR before it would happen again.
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May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it
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After about two hours standing over the operating table, we fixed the guy all up, and he went to recover with his wife. I am laying on the top bunk of the bed in the break room. McDreamy walks in, looking beat. He lies down on the bottom bunk.
"Hey."
"Hey. Long surgery."
"I've been in longer ones." I roll on my side and feel something funny on my arm…kinda sticky…oh god. I jump up off the mattress.
"OH GOD! EWWW AHHHH EWWW!" I jumped off the bed and McDreamy is looking at me funny.
"Are you okay?" He is laughing a little.
"Please tell me that isn't what I think it is." I show him the back of my arm, that I cant see. He is laughing even harder.
"You…you've got cu—"
"Don't say it!" I run to the bathroom. I get to the sink and start scrubbing my arm. Mc Dreamy is standing next to me.
"You think its funny, don't you."
"Here, let me." He walks over and wipes the rag on my arm.
"Someone was having a little too much fun at work."
"Okay, Derek, not helping me get my mind off of that!"
"By the way you have some on your back." I take my scrub shirt off, making sure I don't take the black camisole I am wearing under it with it. I look on the back, it is covered in you know what.
"My god! What in the world!" I run to the shower and turn it on burning hot, I step under, still with my cami and pants on.
"You're over-reacting a little."
"I…am covered in ----"
"Someone didn't wear a rubber."
"Seriously, I mean seriously! Are you just trying to make me feel yuckier."
"What can I say, it's fun." I step out from underneath the shower and grab my scrub shirt and rub it on him.
"That was un-called for."
"There is a difference between un-called for and necessary." He takes his shirt off and looks at it.
"You know, for you it would just look like you got lucky, for me, it just looks wrong." Holy crap, we're flirting. I go over to my locker and grab a new pair of scrubs. So does he. I dry my hair and we both walk out, laughing, another permanent scar. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, Alex and Izzy went into the break room.
"Let's never speak of that again."
"Agreed." We smiled at each other.
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Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
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This afternoon, was like crap. The scars were ripped open again. I tasted what I was missing. So me, being depressing decides to go and sit outside while it's raining. Now I am soaked.
"Having fun?" Derek is standing next to me and sits down. He folds up his umbrella and lets the rain engulf him.
"Its been a hard life."
"I know what you mean."
"Actually, no offense, you don't."
"Wha--"
"Did you love me." I start crying.
"I think you know the answer to that."
"I don't, I really really don't."
"Yes." It is quiet for a bit.
"Okay, here is my last tape. It is hard as hell to sit here, plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend everything is fine, when it isn't. I still love you. I don't know if that will ever change, and I wish…I wish it would. I wish I could just forget and move on but I CANT. I wish I could hate you, I wish that I never knew you. That I NEVER knew how it felt to be with you. I wish that I could ACCEPT…that you and I are done, but I don't know how. I love you so much and it wont stop. Make me hate you please, please, make it go away…" By now I am sitting in the mud bawling.
"Mer." He leans down, and kneels in the mud and brings me into his embrace. And he just sits there as I cry.
"Shhh…just let it out."
(Okay think of this as camera like) picture zooms out and goes toward the building. You see Addison standing there, Mark is behind her a little, she doesn't know he is there…they heard the whole thing.
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
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TBC… "I like walking in the rain because no one knows I'm crying."