The Diary of R J Lupin
DID THINE HEART NOT LOVE TIL NOW?
I don't quite know where the above statement cropped up from I was just lacking inspiration and looking around for a prop when I stumbled across an old book of statements and voila! One title a la carte.
Also piques the mystery as to why I seem to be talking a lot of French today and it seems to be subconscious, either that or my mother failed to inform me of some vital information earlier on in life…
But in all siriu-seriousness – sorry, couldn't resist – the reason as to my sudden high is this: I, Remus John Lupin, the biggest Noggin the school has ever known and serial maniac, have managed to impress my lust object. That's right, and I owe it all to a lowly Boggart which I stumbled across on patrol last night. Not literally stumbled of course, that could have lead to loss of limb or even death but we won't venture into that daunting subject…
She looked so beautiful as she hurried back to the Ravenclaw wing: white hair flowing, black hot-pants and matching vest top crinkling over her contoured outline…tanned legs and arms and tummy glowing healthily…
So I just saw it my duty to stutter at her as best I could. Ah yes, you can always count on me to make a prat out of myself at the best of times.
When she was walking away, she placed her hands on my shoulder to prop herself up to whisper in my ear how impressed she was about the Boggart-banishing banter. My heart skipped five beats I swear, her cherry lips millimetres from my ear, and her sweet, cool breath against my neck…
Ooooh…I really, really, and thrice really want her! Mine. Miney. All mine…my precious…
Then she was gone, swishing away and taking my sunlight with her. In fact, that is quite true as the only light where we were stood was sparking from her wand, leaving me to stand like a wet suit in the darkness. Alone. All aloney, on my owney…
I don't know why, but I am also very metaphorical too. And I feel…I don't know…spontaneous? Confident? Happy?
Yet I have a gut feeling that my luck is about to change…I have double Potions next two with Slughorn. Oh hells pants and McGonagall's moustache…wait a minute…on closer inspection in the Prefects bathroom mirror…I have a moustache!
AH! Oh hell, oh Merlin on high…what am I going to do? I suppose it's only a bit of bum-fluff but I look like flipping Santa! Why is it white? I wouldn't mind if it were mousey like my hair or even darker but white! I look like there has been a blizzard on my face! Oh hells teeth. Whatever next, wet dreams?
…I haven't had a wet dream…have I? Must write home and ask mum…no, wait…how would she know? She's not the bedroom police! Neither does she study my genitals! Oh God I want to be a woman!
Need to shave…unworthy…pant, pant. Rush, rush. Must…get…to…Potions…before…class…starts…
The Diary of C J Fawcett
I AM NO ANGEL
Sitting on the loo of life contemplating my navel.
My navel sticks out a bit in the middle…is that normal?
Oh God I really hope it's not unravelling, that really would be the last straw.
…Can intestines really unravel?
That would be quite interesting…
Yet gruesome. Interestingly gruesome.
I get off the loo and go over to the sinks to wash my hands when I suddenly get a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
God, I'm hideous.
Same old oval face, pointed chin, blue eyes – actually, they're kind of Teal – dark blonde eyebrows, weird shape lips: pouty and hopelessly thick, I swear if they grow anymore, I will start dribbling uncontrollably like those OAP's in the old folks home next door to us in London. But above all, I look drained. I have big black bags beneath both eyes and i'm quite peaky, my cheekbones are high but never normally this visible. I am a female Mick Jagger…or is that sexy? No, looking like a skull on a pogo-stick is not sexy…not sexy at all.
Maybe I should change my hair? But what to? Pink with blonde streaks instead of the other way around?
No, I'll leave the hair as it is. It's my favourite so far.
Have I lost weight?
…Not as far as I can tell…same figure…nope. No weight lost.
Hmmm… I wonder what it is then… My infatuation with Lily perhaps?
Or Loopy's infatuation with me?
Or is it the drugs?
No, it can't be the drugs.
I blame Loopy – when all else fails, blame the stalker. Heh-heh-heh.
I pick up my books and make my steady way to the Potions dungeons and who do I walk into – or rather, who runs into me –?
But Loony bin Lupin.
Great, just when I thought I'd escaped the bantering- what the fuck is on his face!
'H-hi C-C-C-Caiti!' he practically yelled at me.
Since when did I go deaf with no one telling me about it?
I still can't take my eyes off his face.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! He might start to think I fancy him, and I don't want him to get too excited – God knows what could happen.
'Hey Loony. Erm…What's happened to your face?' I ask him and he spazzes, I mean really spazzes. It's actually quite scary how spazoid he's gone…
Oh hell. She's noticed my bum fluff. What do I do, what do I do!
Okay Lupin, act cool, act casual. She'll like that, won't she?
Oh dear. She's looking at me funny. Why is she looking at me funny? Oh! Right! I haven't answered her in ages!
'Er…I slept funny-'
That was the best I could come out with? I write practically everyone's essays for them word for word and all I managed was to inform her that I'd slept funny? Merlin…
'-on my pillow! I slept funny on my pillow! It burst y'see. Feathers, they get everywhere ah-ha-ha!'
Now I'm beginning to scare myself.
No wonder she calls me Loopy, I can hardly construct a sentence around her!
'Right…' she says, unconvinced and I hope to God she hasn't twigged what is actually on my face because it certainly ain't pillow residue…
Then I remember that I'm late for class and stammer at her some more.
'Er, well, I, er, need, to, um, oh, get to, er, Po's- I mean, Potions, I, er, what, um, class do you…y'know…have?'
God I'm hopeless.
She smiles and for a moment I think she's going to snap at me with some smart, quick witted comments but thankfully, she doesn't.
Instead she just…smiles.
What is it? What have I done? Why is she smiling at me? How is she smiling at me? This is not normal!
'So have I. Maybe we could go together.'
I say. What did I say that for? I'm teasing him. That's it. I'm teasing him. Of course I'm only teasing him. What else would I be-?
Now i'm beginning to sound like him! In my head, anyway…
If I sounded like him vocally I'd shoot myself in the foot, then I'd be a walking cliché!
Seriously though, I have not crossed the borders on insomnia just yet but, when I do, I will inform men in white jackets…
Anyway, back to de la point:
He stares at me, I stare at him. Please don't let him take it seriously, please don't let him take it seriously-
'Are you serious? Of course I'll go with you- to lessons with you, I'll go…yeah…'
Damn it!
'Cool.' I say. I want to think of some witty remark to put him off the idea but I can't so I don't say anything and we walk in silence.
Alone; for about an hour –three minutes actually but if you're going to get technical–
God I will never, ever live this down if Lily sees me. I think I'm getting hives just thinking of her reaction. She'll do the raised eyebrow thing and smirk at me in that way she does.
But what do I care?
She is dead to me after last night. Deader than a severed finger at a dead party.
Euuuugh! Now I feel sick and I am going to have to talk as my vocal chords are shrinking from lack of use – I don't do long silences.
'This is a nice corridor.' I remark.
What am I, an architect now?
She's so bored she has taken to commenting on the state of the cold, eerie grey stone corridors and thinks they are "nice".
If there's one thing they aren't, it's nice.
Well, I suppose I'm biased really. I guess I don't appreciate them much, being a prefect and all. They are just boring old rocks to me.
'Yeah, I s'pose they are.' I find myself agreeing automatically. And that is the extent of our conversation, before we walk into the classroom – I hold the door open for her, being a gent and contrary to Sirius' teaching.
Heads turn and mouths whisper but I don't care.
I have just walked down a corridor with Caiti Fawcett!
'What's happened here then?' Lily asks –Slughorn isn't in yet – so we can talk amongst ourselves quite freely.
'Nothing has happened here then.' I retort in reply, setting my things out on the desk in front of me and not meeting her gaze.
Damn, I completely forgot I was being glacious towards her. And now she thinks she's won. Buggeration…
'Oh yeah, is that why you walked in with him then?' she spits mockingly. I turn to her now, furious.
'Lilian, just because I walk in with a guy doesn't imply that I am practically married to them, okay? He just…stumbled up to me in the corridors and followed me to class, end of.' I explain very slowly and at a rate her stoned, stupid red head can understand.
'Alright, no need to get narky, I was just-'
'Stating the obvious? Yeah, well I think you need to brush up on your facts Lils because here's looking at you.' I turn away from here and try to cool down.
Oh no. It's happening again. What I fear the most is happening again!
My fingertips begin to throb and before I know it, a long crimson talon has grown on my middle finger and another's threatening to show its ugly head to my peers.
But I'm already launching myself down the room and into the corridor, racing past Slughorn who shouts after me:
'Remember what I said!' and is gone.
I can't quite get my head around what's just happened.
She just…ran out of the classroom.
Consulting Sirius – God help me.
'Did you see that?' I ask him, diverting his attention away from the latest craze: Farah Jameson (the blonde with the HUGE, er, chest – not that I look of course but one just can't help noticing these things…).
'What Moon- dude! What's happened to your face?' he exclaims, eyes wide and staring, lips curved in a small mocking smile.
'Er, nothing…' I blush :mental note: must stop blushing around friends:scratch that: must stop blushing in public…actually, must stop blushing all together:
'It's nothing; I'm just getting whiskers but I don't want to talk to you about my facial hair! Did you see Caiti just take flight out of the room?'
Sirius looks at me sideways and raises an eyebrow.
'She…flew?'
'No you twit! She just…ran out of the room. What's with that?'
'Look Choccie Devil, I know you're trying your very hardest to impress Fawcett but just…don't try to be cool, okay? It's not a good look on you.' He says wisely – so he thinks anyway – I just scowl at him and pretend not to hear what he says (though I do spare him a warning glare).
'Do not under any circumstances call me that in public…ever. Scratch that; never call me that anywhere! Alright?'
Sirius turned a rather unattractive shade of white and was obviously quite shocked as to the sheer volume of my voice by croaked out a reply.
'Leave her. She's probably just gone to the bathroom.'
'She was coming out of the bathroom when I met up with her.' I told him, appreciating his input all the same.
'Oh,' he said in a tiny voice, 'She'll be fine…do you mind if I–'
'Oh sure, go ahead.' I promised him and he turned back to Farah apologetically.
So I let it pass; just this once.
The Diary of C J Fawcett
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
I'm sat in the Gryffindor common room waiting for Lily.
God this place is red.
I've never seen so much red in one room.
It's like a freaking red fest.
I'm glad we don't have any bullocks at our school – that really would be tragic.
Bullocks, geddit?
I crack me up.
Sadly, I don't crack anyone else up at the moment as I have non copains.
That's why I'm waiting for Lily, to "let bygones be bygones" or whatever the fuck mum's always sprouting on about friendship for.
There, a flash of a short red bob and a fleck of white skin and she's striding past me with her head down so I don't recognise her.
Oh yeah, smooth Lils, as if anyone else in the world would die their hair cherry-bomb...red!
'Y'know I wouldn't look at the carpet too much,' I shout after her and she turns, giving me her worst look and I grin as I finish my sentence, 'clashes with your hair.'
She too smiles and begins to walk towards me in the way she just came.
'Yeah, well, in this light you look like a strawberry with a platinum blonde wig on.' She retorts though she's giving me a crafty, cheeky sneer.
'Alright Red?' I ask but instead of a reply, she gives me a hug.
'Wanna get stoned?' she whispers in my ear before pulling away and I mouth 'D'uh?' to her which she takes – thankfully – as a "You bet" and we're off, arm in arm, to her dorm.
Just like old times.
Sorted. Just like that.
The Diary of R J Lupin
HELLO HEARTBREAK
I need to get into shape, seriously.
I can't just stay this weedy and plain forever – in my teens, I should at least have a few signs of muscular development, right?
Wrong; my arms look the same as they did when I was eleven, save they are longer and hairier.
I mean, hurling a dog and a stag around for twelve hours once a month has to have some sort of effect.
Too bad it doesn't.
I have suddenly had a mass outbreak of hair appear…ahem…down there…and I don't think I had a huge zit in the middle of my forehead this morning did I?
Anyway, I do now.
It is everywhere!
The hair i mean.
I hope I'm not turning into a werewolf for the whole of the month that would just be IT.
Oh Merlin, what is the Motley Crew doing now?
Ah, that explains it: Sirius has just stepped aside to reveal a rather ridiculous looking Peter, scantically clad in a thin leather all-in-one (just about) which makes him look remarkably like a large podgy bat.
'What on Earth?' I ask in an un-amused tone – in fact, my tone has no tone to it at all, it is just emotionless and tired.
Bat boy blushes and stabs at the dormitory floor with a stubby leather toe.
'It's to do with a forfeit.' He grumbles miserably, obviously feeling as ridiculed as he looks.
'Yeah,' Sirius puts his hand on his hips looking like a gay designer. 'He lost The Bet.'
My ears prick up – I mean, they would prick up if they weren't securely fastened to either side of my head.
'What Bet?' I ask, genuinely curious as Sirius, James and Peter exchange secretive glances.
Sirius volunteers James to tell me and pushes him forward into the limelight to explain.
James clears his throat awkwardly before beginning to explain that Peter had tried to ask Caiti out to Hogsmede for me and they were betting that he wouldn't do it.
'What!' I roar, so all three of my "friends" back away and cower in fear and shock and Sirius squeaks.
'Now calm down mate- don't throw that shoe- AH!'
And I hurtle my school shoe at them both, hitting James squarely in the face. There is a quiet chink and his glasses fall from his nose: in half.
In temper, he picks up a History of Magic textbook – which just so happens to be lying on his bed and which just so happens to be twelve inches thick and equally as heavy…
It is lobbed across the room at me, but I duck just in time before it goes soaring past me and out of the window I was in front of, tumbling fifty floors downwards ad lands in the brambles below.
'NO!' James makes a lunge for my throat but is quickly restrained by Sirius and the Batinator and held back from any violence he could inflict on me.
But I'm already sprinting out of the door and down the stairs into the common room before-
BANG!
I plough straight into someone who falls backwards onto the floor.
Caiti.
'I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-'
'Oh, go away Loopy!' Lily retorts impatiently, trying to revive the girl on the ground by slapping her cheeks to bring her round.
'She must have hit her head.' I remark – fount of useless knowledge me.
'Thanks, but I think I worked that out for myself Wind-bag.' She spits nastily, not looking up at all.
'I'll get…Pomfrey…wait…' and I'm off again, breaking into a run so ferocious, when I get to the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey sits me down in a chair to catch my breath back but I wheeze at her still.
'Caiti…Caiti Faw- Fawcett…Gryff…common room…out cold…help.' And she eventually gets the picture.
'Stay here Lupin,' she orders, 'and pour yourself a goblet of water.' Before she is waddling away to where the love of my life is lying, unconscious on the common room stairs.
And I put her there.
Oh hell, hell, hell, hell, HELL!
The Diary of C J Fawcett
BLEEDING ON THE BALLROOM FLOOR
I can't believe Loony knocked me out today! How humiliating! Urgh! He is so being assassinated tomorrow at breakfast…
Maybe I could slip him something. I mean, I do have about twelve pots left of aphrodisiac and I could easily spare a few…
Hmm…that could be interesting…
Anyway, when I came around Lily was practically beating me to a pulp and Madame PomPom was standing over me like some sort of floral clad tree trunk.
She stared down at me and I could see right up her nose I swear.
I'm scarred for life.
Seriously, it was like looking up the arse of something black and furry – not pretty.
So ugly in fact, that I sprang to my feet, forgetting that I was temporarily out of order and was good as new once more.
PomPom was furious.
'Miss Fawcett,' she barked sourly, 'were you pretending to pass out or were you really unconscious.'
She doesn't like me does PomPom. Ever since she had to close down the entire hospital wing when I had the whooping wheezes after Lily sprayed me with dry ice.
Horribly contagious that.
Heh heh.
I nodded then looked up at her blankly as a shape hunched into vision behind her.
Loony.
Like a mad woman I sprang at him, tearing at his flesh with my nails, slashing his already scarred face.
'What, w-what are you doing?' he cried in desperation, after a series of pained yelps.
'You bloody bastard! That really fucking hurt!' I screamed at him, vaguely aware of several people's arms dragging me off him whilst I flailed in their grasps.
'I'm sorry!' he wailed sincerely, clutching his bleeding cheeks in both palms.
'You want to be you Ponce!' I snapped back, panting hard.
Oh God.
It was happening again.
Oh my God I needed to get out of there.
So I fled.
Down, down, down the corridors I ran, nails pulsating on my fingers as my form took hold of me like a cold, chilling hand and I shook violently.
I must get to the room of Requirement! I thought in desperation, veering left to avoid a group of firsties who screamed when they saw me.
Oh God, what did I look like? How much of the transformation had taken place?
If at all.
The Diary of R J Lupin
RAZOR BLADE SHINE
Sat in the hospital wing nursing a bandaged face.
I mean all of it.
She's bloody mental!
She just…attacked me…
And now I look like a mummy.
Flipping fabulous.
I still love her though. Nothing in the world could stop that I don't think.
Oh flop, what now?
EEEEEEEEEEEK!
It's her.
She is visiting me in the hospital wing.
And all that is visible of my face are my eyes!
She's silently sitting on my bed.
I take of the tea cosy bandages from my head and place it on the table and with one look at me she begins to cry.
She sobs.
And sobs.
And sobs.
And all I can do is watch her.
I mean, what can I say: It's not you who should be crying; try looking like something out of Beetlejuice?
No, that's not the best comforter in the world.
So instead, I gingerly place my hand on her shoulder – well, actually, it hovers over her shoulder unable to be placed like there's some sort of magnetic field repelling it or something.
'I'm sorry.' She tells me, wiping her eyes but the tears do not stop pouring down her beautiful face. 'I'm just so horrible. I really hate myself for doing this to you. I just…can't…blame myself at all…'
This shocks me into a stupor and I stare blankly.
'Its fine-' I start but she cuts in.
'No it's not! It's not fine! I shouldn't be such a…a…a cow to you.'
I am really at a loss to what to say now and she sniffs hard.
Why is she crying over me?
'Um…um…I'm…um…fine.' I lie, though I do feel fine now she's here.
I feel somewhat…lighter?
'Really?' she asks, seeming to brighten a little as she sits up and looks straight at me. My insides turn to mush.
'Yeah!' I say, a little too high pitched for my liking.
She giggles.
'Great! Um…well…get better…okay?' she tells me, placing a hand gently on my right cheek where there are very little scratches as opposed to the rest of my face.
'I will.' I promise her, 'I will now anyway.'
I feel a lot more confident and she stands, KISSES MY FOREHEAD (!) and leaves, turning in the doorway and calls to me:
'See you at dinner Remus.' And goes.
She called me Remus. SHE CALLED ME REMUS!
Oh happy day! My life finally has a purpose!
The Diary of C J Fawcett
SWEET, SWEET COMEUPPANCE
I seem to be going all giggly every time Loony is mentioned suddenly.
Why is that?
I don't…fancy him I suppose.
I just…like him now that now that he has got a little more confident.
It was mean of me to destroy his facial features with my nails. That was unfair, but now, two weeks later…we're like…closer than ever?
He's loving it bless him.
Every time we see each other we exchange glances and I can't help but giggle at his geeky little smile.
The one I mentioned a few months ago that made him look like a scary child.
I've even grown to accept his stutter, he still does it but I think now that it's subconscious.
He really is lovely: so sweet and caring.
I think I may even start to drop subtle hints that we could…be…more than just…friends…
The Diary of R J Lupin
THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER
And couldn't they just.
I, Remus John Lupin, am finally being accepted into the community of the very, very cool and highly rated.
She and I are the best of friends after the incident in the hospital wing and isn't life just a ball?
We've started to exchange glances. I don't mean just acknowledging glances like – or even unlike – before, these are proper knowing grins.
I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her.
I even feel confident enough to ask her out to Hogsmede on Saturday.
And this time, I think she may say yes.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her.
I hate Caiti Fawcett.
She always has to degrade me doesn't she?
Just when I think that I'm in a blooming, growing relationship with her, she goes and stabs me in the back!
Great! Fantastic!
Bloody brilliant!
And what's more, I let her!
Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell to her!
Who needs a tarty, loud-mouthed slut like her?
There, I said it.
She is going out with Chris whatsisface…the one who sits behind us in Defence – she moved to sit by me for some reason or another.
He is in Slytherin and for all I know she has been with him for the last, oh I don't know, year?
In Defence today he tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around to face him – he sits behind us, sadly. In fact, that could be why she moved. I know something has been going on between them since we joined up. Just a knowing thing I guess.
And now I know what it is.
She was just about to turn back from their hushed conversation when he pulled her hair and she GIGGLED.
I just know there is something and I going to consult her about it.
Back from the consultation.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Sporting a bloody nose the size of an egg – I was cursed with a large nose at birth but this is just ridiculous.
He-who-shall-not-be-named got me. No, I don't mean Voldemort, I mean, him: my opposition: my arch enemy: my love snatcher.
Oh Merlin, what shall I do?
I have made a first class fool of myself and now, when my feelings are completely restored for her – she will never forgive me.
When I got downstairs, face like thunder – at least, that was the look I was going for, the reality was little more than a grimace, i'm sure.
I saw them talking together, bent over the table in the Great hall, their tones hushed.
Caiti, who was sat in the direction facing me, whispered something to Him, obviously about me, and He turned around and sprang from his seat, wrapped his palm around my neck and reared me back into the wall.
'What do you want Loopy?' he demanded, spittle flecking his lips.
I gargled something that even I couldn't understand before being rammed hard into the wall again.
He repeated his question in a tone which you would only use towards someone who was very, very deaf.
'I…d-don't want anything…I was just-'
'Well what was that determined grin for then?'
'I…wasn't grinning…honest!' I squirmed but this seemed to anger him more.
My eyes rolled sadly onto Caiti who was staring at her lover doing this to me.
At once, she met my gaze and piped up:
'Chris, please? Leave him alone,' and then she WINKED AT ME and finished, 'he's not worth it.'
'She's right…I'm not worth the hassle…Sirius is much more-'
'Shut up!' he bellowed as if I were thick, before punching me squarely in the face. 'Now, tell me what you want with my sister!'
All at once, the world ground to a halt and I felt as if my life was falling apart (and my nose was on fire).
Sister!
'Sister!' I said aloud which I later discovered was a bad idea.
Slowly, he set me down and nodded, expression brazen and seemingly softer.
'Yes…you know my second name's Fawcett, right?'
Then, the penny clicked into place for him and he began to laugh and that's when I saw her in him.
His dark blond hair, the same as hers (naturally), identical eyes – green/blue, aqua – and almost the same features; they were a match in every way – except for the obvious.
'Yes…yes I do.' I replied and looked to Caiti who blushed.
'My sister was just talking about you –'
'Chris! Shut up!' she kicked him hard in the hamstring and he swivelled around to playfully box her chin.
'My little sissy's in l –' and she smothered his mouth with her hand.
'Get lost Loon-bag.' she told me playfully, but sternly all the same, and I scooted, as ordered, out of the hall.
And here I am in the dormitory, with nothing to do but…well…with nothing to do but try to make my nose look less puffed up. It looks like a growth between my eyes and speaking of my eyes: they look like mice eyes my face has swollen so!
Really, they are all swollen and look like I've been crying-
'What the fuck happened to you?'
My thoughts are interrupted by none other than the presence of the great Gomper himself, standing on the threshold of the dorm and looking at me mockingly.
'Get bent Sirius.' I grumble bitterly but he simply replies: 'I have done, just in the broom closet with Farah-'
'And on that bombshell we'll leave it at that, shall we?' I interrupt quickly.
'Going to have a wank?' he remarks, eyeing the bed I'm lying on with an ice pack on my eye.
Actually, once I've got rid of him, that's not such a bad idea.
I couldn't do it.
The thought of the whole clean up process afterwards just turns my stomach.
How can that be pleasurable?
It just looks…like a mess.
I got down to my boxers and then decided against it.
Now, I really need to get-
Shit! The door! Someone's at the door!
I ram my shoulder against it as it begins to open so it gives under my weight and slams shut again.
'Don't come in!' I call in a shamefully feminine voice but the reply comes seconds later.
'It's me.'
Shit in hell! It's her! Oh bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger.
'Just a sec'!'
I swing the door open, forgetting my current position and reveal Cait Fawcett standing on my threshold.
She says: 'Hi.'
I say, 'Nyuuuuuuhrrrr!'