Author's Note: It is indeed the sequel many of you have asked for. I decided to post what I have now rather than to keep you waiting. Enjoy the madness and try to figure out where I'm going!
Dead Man's Obsession
The stars of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest sat dismally in the rain. No one had showed up for the premier, not even the Authoress. They heard footfalls on the boardwalk of Tom Sawyer Island, where the giant movie screen stood. They ran to see who it was. It was a number of Disney security guards holding the Authoress's brother.
Keira: What's going on? Why'd you arrest him? You can't arrest him.
Voice in the Darkness: Yes I can.
The Voice stepped out from behind the movie screen. It was a short man, maybe 5'5", wearing an expensive suit and holding an umbrella. He had a malicious smile on his face. The stars all glared at the intruder, they knew his face.
Geoffrey: Cutler Buckett? The head publicist for Superman Returns?
Buckett: It's Lord now. And I prefer Lord C. Buckett if you don't mind.
Keira: Whatever. You can't arrest him.
Buckett: Yes I can. Here's the warrant.
He hands her a warrant.
Keira: This is for us!
Buckett: Okay, arrest them too.
The security guards grab the stars.
Buckett: And I have another for a Mr. James Norrington, is he present?
Jack: You mean that police chief? He got fired weeks ago. And he doesn't work in Disney World.
Buckett: Doesn't answer my question, does it?
Orlando: What are the charges?
Keira (reading from the warrant): For making a crummy movie! You've got to be kidding, these probably aren't even real.
Jack: Remember, he's head publicist for that poor excuse for entertainment known as Superman Returns.
Orlando: Hey now, Kate's in that.
Johnny: No offense to Kate but it is pretty bad.
Orlando: Yeah I have to agree with that.
Buckett is fuming.
Buckett: Enough. You are also under arrest for your association with that crazed fangirl.
Stars and Brother: The Authoress!
Buckett: Yes. The Authoress.
MEANWHILE ON THE BLACK BUS (Parked outside the Disney prop house in Somewhere, USA.)
The Authoress's friend is dancing around inside the bus, which is decked out in POTC merchandise, listening to pirate music and drinking Nada Coladas. Suddenly she hears an alarm go off.
Friend: It's about time.
The Authoress runs into the bus dresses as a coffin with a crow on top of it.
Authoress: The best was to steal something from a prop house is to dress as a prop.
Friend: So'd you get what we came for?
Authoress: Aye.
She waves around a tattered scrap of cloth.
Friend: A key?
Authoress: In a manner of speaking.
She unrolls the cloth.
Friend: What the hell? It's a keyboard key.
Authoress: Better, it's a drawing of a keyboard key.
Friend: Sometimes I think your brother was right.
Authoress: Pssh. Anything else before I retire to my cabin.
Her friend rolls her eyes.
Friend: Do we have a heading?
The Authoress gives her a thumbs-up.
Authoress: Just drive in a general easterly direction. Stop if you reach the Atlantic of course.
Friend (under her breath): She's mad alright.
LORD C. BUCKETT'S OFFICE SOMEWHERE IN THE MAGIC KINGDOM
Guard: The prisoner milord.
Buckett: Those won't be necessary.
Guard takes the handcuffs of the Authoress's brother and leaves.
Brother: Wow, for being a Superman executive you sure know the lines of Dead Man's Chest. You'll have to meet my sister.
Buckett: I don't know what you're talking about. And that is in fact why you're here. You and the stars face the hangman's noose and if you get me what I want I might reconsider.
Brother: What do you want? She doesn't have a compass.
Buckett: No, I want her powers as the author. Whatever silly quest she's on at the moment is only for fun. She could write the ending the way she wants in a minute. I want you to bring her to me so that she can write my ending my way.
Brother: Why would she do that?
Buckett: To save the stars she loves so much. And I have here in this drawer the rights to the movie. If she writes my ending then she can own Pirates of the Caribbean. Tell her that.
Brother: How did you get those? Jerry Bruckheimer would never give them up.
Buckett: Jerry Bruckheimer has crossed over to the world of independent filmmaking. He no longer needed them.
Brother: Well if it'll save me and the stars then sure, I'll go get her.
Buckett: Have fun. And go see Superman while you're out.
ON THE BLACK BUS
The Authoress is looking at road maps and playing with compasses and dividers like she is a ship captain. She even has an eighteenth century globe. Her friend has learned not to take directions from her as her compass really is broken. Her Nada Colada is empty so she gets up, swaggers around and goes to make another one. At the back of the bus where they keep the cooler it is dark and scary and much damper than she remembered. Suddenly and face loomed out of the darkness.
Authoress: Bootstrap Bill Turner?
Person in the Darkness: No but I do come on behalf of a Bill.
It is a computer salesman.
Authoress: Marcus?
Marcus nods.
Authoress: Do you come on behalf Davy Jones to give me the Black Spot? I never sold him my soul; I got this bus fair and square.
Marcus: No I come on behalf of Bill Gates. Your five month no payment period is up and it's time to pay.
Authoress: Oh, my computer. Sorry mate I don't have any money, I'm a teenager writing fanfics, who do you think I am?
Marcus: Then it's prison for you.
Authoress: I'm underage, sorry.
Marcus: Gates's virus will find your computer then.
The Authoress looks terrified.
Authoress: How long until Jones unleashes said terrible beastie?
Marcus: There's no escaping this time. Thanks for the Nada Coladas
Marcus disappears. A Windows symbol appears on her hand.
Authoress: Agh! Start the bus scurvy dogs, I want movement.
Friend: Fine. Where are we headed now?
Authoress: Run. I need dial-up.
Her friend rolls her eyes and starts the bus, driving towards some unknown destination in the middle of no where.
THE JAIL CELLS ON THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN RIDE (Buckett is very ironic and a total closet POTC fan.)
A Disney executive leads the Authoress's brother to the part of the ride where the stars are being held. Security guards try to stop them but the executive flashes his ID and all is good.
Johnny: He wants the Authoress?
Keira: To write him an ending?
Jack: She'd never do that, she hates his character.
Brother: Well, either I get her to come here or we face the gallows.
Orlando: Are you serious!
Brother: Afraid so.
Geoffrey: Does anyone else find all this incredibly ironic?
Brother: Situations of great irony tend to find my sister whenever she writes. I don't know how, but they do.
Disney Executive: We have to find another way to get Buckett his ending.
Brother: Are you crazy? It's her fic there's nothing can be done but get her to change the ending.
Keira: Unless...no, she wouldn't do that.
Brother: Don't worry everyone, I'll find her and bring her here. No one's going to hang, I swear it.
He gallantly leaves the prison, the Disney Executive looks doubtful.
MANY SCENES IN WHICH THE BROTHER ASKES DIFFERENT PEOPLE IF THEY'VE SEEN THE AUTHORESS (Instead of an ocean backdrop with ships and stuff there is a farm field backdrop with tractors and stuff. You might not want to know where I get this from. It's a scary place in my brain.)
Old Farmer: The Authoress? I heard she stopped writing.
Another Old Farmer: The Authoress: I don't know where she is but she's bound to turn up in England.
Scarlett and Giselle Obsessive Reviewers: We haven't gotten an update from her in a month. If you find her give her this message.
They lay the smackdown on the Authoress's brother who walks off looking like he can't believe what is happening.
A Third Farmer: I've no idea where to find the Authoress but if you head down the road about 15 miles that way you'll find a small town and a bus. A bus with black sails.
Brother: Thanks, that'd be her alright. But why she'd go there I have no idea.
THE SMALL TOWN 15 MILES THAT WAY (Which shall be known as Monkeydovi, long story don't ask. Sorry if you're from a small town and find this offensive, but I have Issues with a certain small town.)
The Authoress's brother walks past the bus.
Brother: Are you crazy girls in there?
No one answers. He continues through an empty football field. He sees the Authoress's copy of Celebrity Stalking for Dummies lying on the ground near the stands. He picks it up, finds it attached to a string, follows the string and is ambushed by a redneck dressed in full Packers regalia. He swings the book but now there are too many of them and they club him with a foam cheese head.
WHEN HE WAKES UP
The Authoress's brother wakes up to find himself tied up in front of her, except she doesn't really look like herself. Any signs of her obsession with pirates are gone. She is wearing a combination of blaze orange and camouflage and Packer clothing, complete with a green and gold G on one check and camouflage on the other and a cheese head for a crown. She sits on a throne made out of beer cans. He looks around and sees he is at what seems to be part tailgate party, part church picnic, part county fair and part fishing-hunting extravaganza. His eyes widen in horror.
Brother: Is that you, crazed pirate obsessed sister? I can honestly say I'm glad to see you.
The Authoress does not appear to understand him.
Brother: It's me, your brother.
She gets up and walks around him, inspecting him.
Authoress: Beer battered fish corn corn county fair tractor pull.
The various cannibals redneck Packer fans around her look a bit confused.
Authoress: Erm...eunuchy snip snip?
She still gets blank looks.
Authoress: Drat. Ummm...oh, Country music deer deer beer guns blaze orange. Ma liki liki.
Redneck Packer fans: Ma liki liki!
They pick him up.
Brother: Wait, the stars are in danger, they face the gallows. It's Lord Buckett the Superman Returns publicist.
Some of this seems to register on her face. The rednecks start to take him away.
Authoress: Save me.
Her brother grumbles as he is carried away. He is thrown in a cage made of human bones hanging over a gorge occupied by the Authoress's best friend.
Friend: Hi, what happened to you?
Her brother explains what has happened with Buckett and the stars and their forthcoming hanging.
Friend: That sucks.
Brother: So uh what happened here?
Friend: I'm not really sure. She told me to go where there was dial up, which is suicide. And we ended up here. The Packer fans think she's a god, being as she has an IQ higher than all theirs put together and doesn't worry about hunting, fishing and football all day. But they believe the god is trapped in the body of a silly fangirl and have to free her from her...fleshy prison.
Brother: Don't you ever worry that we're living Dead Man's Chest?
Friend: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Brother: So how're they going to do that?
Friend: Well they're not going to eat her if that's what you're worried about.
Brother: Believe me, I'm not.
Friend: Well they're going to light a giant fire with her fanfiction and her pirate books and then they assume she'll jump up and dive into the fire to save them, thus burning her too and freeing the god from her body. They'll light the fire when the country music stops.
Brother: Then we have to get out of here and save her.
MEANWHILE AT THE TAILGATE PARTY OR WHATEVER
Authoress: No! More books, big fire. I am chief, want big fire.
The Packer fans don't understand.
Authoress: Why is this so difficult! Hunting season fish fish Brett Favre corn crop!
They understand and go to get more books. The Authoress takes this chance to make a run for it. She runs between the animal pens and trailers, looking for transportation out of the cursed place. She goes into a horse trailer but it is empty of horses. When she comes out a green and gold crowd is gathered, and they look angry. She picks up some hay.
Authoress: Look, this stuff burns great!
They take her back to the pile of books and fanfiction. They sit her on top of it and pile hay around her.
Authoress: Well done.
THE CAGE ABOVE THE GORGE
The brother and the friend swing the cage back and forth until they grab some vines and pull it up over the edge. They are spotted by a wayward farmer traveling to the festivities. He takes off running to spread the word. The brother and the friend cut the cage loose and start running through the jungle in the middle of the Midwest. Funny how that happens isn't it? The farmer reaches the festivities just as the bonfire and Authoress are going to be lit on fire.
Farmer: The prisoners have escaped.
The rednecks look bewildered, the Authoress looks hopeful.
Authoress: Go get them! Tractor pull gun gun!
That gets their attention. They take off running with the farmer in the lead. Now, the Authoress is not tied up on a spit like dear Captain Sparrow, her hands are just bound. She cuts the bonds on a hunting knife, takes all the precious books she can and takes off running towards the bus, also encountering the same jungle her brother and friend did. Several fruit, falling and flipping stunts later she arrives at the parking lot, now followed by the entire population of redneck Packer fans. She sees her brother and friend reach the bus ahead of her. They had their own adventure with the cage, jungle and rednecks ending in the cage falling into a rock pool and breaking open, that's how they escaped. They start the bus and the Authoress jumps in. She leans out the window and waves to the now weeping crowd, begging her to stay.
Authoress: Alas my children, you will always remember this as the day that you—
She gets hit in the face by a wave, yes an ocean wave.
Authoress: Captain Jack Sparrow.
She pulls her head back in the bus and proceeds to shoot an undead monkey to vent her frustration. Her brother comes up to her looking just as put out as she does.
Brother: We need to return to the Magic Kingdom immediately, the stars of POTC face the gallows. Buckett wants you to write his ending the way he wants it.
Authoress: Pssh. I'd never do that.
Brother: I know, that's what I told him. But we can't let the stars hang.
Authoress: What is it with this world and hanging people all of a sudden?
Her brother shrugs.
Authoress: Anyway, I have a better idea. You have to get me this if you want me to return to Port Royal with you.
Brother: I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that. What is it you want?
The Authoress pulls out the scrap of cloth.
Brother: A keyboard key is going to save the stars? You're mad.
Authoress: No, I'm brilliant, I already told you. How much to you know about Bill Gates?
Brother: Not much.
Authoress: Yeah, it's gonna save Elizabeth. Mr. Gibbs, we have a need to travel up river.
Friend: Do we really have to try that again? I told you last time that a bus can't go in the water.
Authoress: But this is a resolute and unyielding need.
Friend: Fine, we'll try to use those sails you had installed.
Authoress: Shiny, let's go!
THE PRISON CELLS OF THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN RIDE, MAGIC KINGDOM.
Elizabeth The stars are being heckled by Superman fans riding the ride, which is really a conflict of interests if you think about it. Suddenly the Disney executive from before opens the door and ushers them secretly out.
Geoffrey: Where are we going?
Disney Executive (who is dressed like an 18th century British colonial governor): I may still have some standing with the king, I've arranged passage to England, the captain is a friend.
The stars stop and stare at him.
Keira: Are you serious?
Gov. Disney Executive: No of course not. I just don't want you to hang. Buckett's insane.
Johnny: But the boy's gone to get the Authoress.
Gov. Disney Executive: You cannot count on William Turner.
Jack: Please tell us you have a plan and that someone is not going to get murdered by a man resembling Mr. Mercer.
The executive stops.
Gov. Disney Executive: We need a plan b then.
Orlando: Come on, let's go.
They leave the ride and the Disney executive ushers them into a carriage, which heads for the steamboat dock. There is a man standing there who does indeed fall over dead because a man resembling Mr. Mercer from did in fact kill him.
Mercer Look Alike: Evening, Governor. Shame that.
Gov. Disney Executive: Damn. I should have listened to them.
He gets hustled back to the carriage and finds that the stars are gone.
LORD C. BUCKETT'S OFFICE SOMEWHERE IN THE MAGIC KINGDOM
Buckett walks through his office carrying a lantern and reading something. He gets to his desk and finds the drawers have been disturbed. The Letters of Marque or something of that nature are missing.
Buckett: No doubt you've found out that loyalty is no longer the currency of the realm as your father had hoped.
The stars come out of the darkness.
Jack: No, we've found that you're insane.
Buckett: That may be but I'm the one with the influence here. Currency is the currency of the realm.
Keira: We can probably negotiate then, we've all got lots of money.
Keira pulls out an old fashioned pistol. She also happens to be wearing an 18th century wedding dress. The whole ordeal keeps getting stranger and stranger.
Buckett: What do you want?
Johnny: Sign these release forms. Let us go.
Buckett: You mean the Letters of Marque?
Orlando: It's pointless trying to argue isn't it?
Buckett: Yes it is.
Keira pulls back the hammer on the pistol and puts it under Buckett's chin.
Geoffrey: Remember that you ruined our premiere.
Buckett: Destiny interrupted or fate intervenes?
He signs the release forms.
Buckett: I still want that girl to write my ending, remember that.
The stars run out into the night.
SOMEWHERE UP RIVER
The bus has amazing managed to navigate up river, much to everyone's surprise. But instead of Tia Dalma's creepy hut and iguanas eating fireflies the crew of the Black Bus finds a tent with big bright letters scrawled across it reading JASMINE THE INCREDIBLEY AMAZING SUPER FANTASTIC-NESS. They park the bus (where, I don't know) and go inside. Inside there is a lady resembling Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter, except with dreads and crazy tattoos like Tia Dalma, deciphering inkblots at a rickety old table. All sorts of creepy things hand from the rafters in the tent. She looks up when they enter.