WoM- Wow! I'm glad you guys liked Black Dove! Here's the next installment, enjoy!
"A wish changes nothing. A decision changes everything."
-Unknown
Pride
Don't try to understand me
Don't take me as any other face
Cause here I'm comin,' my head high
Charging at my own fast pace
Liar.
Freak.
Wanna-be.
Has-been.
I know how other people see me.
It's really not that hard to miss, since most people don't even try to hide it, and those that do don't do a good job. But I don't care. Why should I? None of them know me, after all, they just know my story, what I've been through. Why should their opinions carry any weight if that is all they know me by?
Actually, It almost makes me fight harder. Not for them but for me. I want to show them that even if I'm all those things now, I'm still more then they could ever be. While they run, I fight. When they're busy screaming, I've got eight different battle plans forming in my head. They need me, even if they don't realize it. Even if they don't acknowledge it.
I don't need that, though. I'm not relying on their words, their praise, and their lies anymore. I've got something better then that now. I've got the results none of them could ever achieve. I've got knowledge they'd never dream of. I've lived through things that would give them nightmares, fought creatures that would scare them to death, and I'm still here asking for more.
Don't knock me to the ground
Don't expect me to ever hide
I'm a fighter, heart and soul
With a warrior's undying pride
It does hurt, though, I can't lie to myself about that, even if I can to others. Because it's so lonely. It's lonely walking through the halls without an ally. Seeing people together, laughing talking without a care in the world when all I have are my own thoughts, and the deafening silence I'm still getting used to. The cold truth that none of them would care if I dropped off the face of the earth, even when I considered them my friends.
That's one thing about myself that makes me feel stupid. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too trusting of others, too confident that I know how they feel about me. Then when it turns out I'm wrong, I always end up hurt. That's why I was a little hesitant at first to fall into a real friendship with Danny.
I almost consider that an irony now. Back when I started off, I tried to befriend and use him like I did his friend. But he saw through me, I think, and closed himself off. Then, after I'd finally completely realized how stupid and petty I used to be, he started a hesitant friendship. At first, I was a little wary, but now I realize how lucky I am for trusting him. Not for the reason I originally wanted to be friends with him, either, but just because he's a really great guy.
I've been socially abused, abandoned and left for dead. In that situation, I know most people who had it all and lost it would just curly up and disappear but not me. I've never been that kind of girl. It's just always seemed too weak to me. Too cowardly.
I know I'm a lot of bad things, God knows Ms. Spectra pointed them out, but one thing I'm not is a coward. That's something I'd never, ever let myself become, no matter how hard things got. That was how I lost my mom, actually, because she was a coward. She was too afraid to take a chance to save herself from danger, and put me in danger because of it. That's why I swore to never be like that.
Don't tell me that I'm wrong
Don't try to make me see
Because all I know is what I have
And that is all I'll ever need
At first, it was all about revenge. Now, that barely the reason anymore. It's become something different. My life may be a little harder now, but in a lot of ways it is better. Because now I have a reason to get up. Now I have a reason to listen, to fight, and to take a stand.
I know I've probably taken it a little too far. Even Dad sometimes says I'm obsessed. Every picture ever taken of you, every newspaper article that mentions you name, even every TV broadcast that shows you fighting, I can't turn in any direction in my own room without seeing your face. But my obsession is all that keeping me here and happy, because it's given me something I can work for, something I'm good at.
Jazz said once during one of her drawn out speeches that High School is all about finding who you are, where you life will take you, what's in store for you. When I first entered high school I honestly didn't care. As long as everyone loved me, and all I had to worry about was when the next fall fashion line up was coming out, I was a happy girl.
Now I've got a plan, I've got motivation, I've got a way to make everything I want happen by myself instead of falling back on someone else to do it for me. I'm independent now thanks to you. I'm more aware of everything around me, and I've got something I really believe in.
In a way, my loss has given me freedom. I guess I'm almost sort of grateful for that, but I can't ever let it show.
Don't ask any more of me
Don't help me when I fall
I want things to stay simple
But you're not helping that at all
The one thing that makes me wanna tear my hair out, though, is how you refuse to fall into the role you're supposed to have. I want things to stay black and white, crystal clear. You bad, me good all that sort of stuff. But you keep messing that up!
First you saved me, then you helped me, then after that you help me some more before selling me out! It's enough to give a girl a migraine. That's why I refuse to voice my doubts, even when other people bring them up. Because doubting who you are means doubting who I am, and doubting who I am will tear away everything I've worked so hard for. I can't let that happen, the thought alone terrifies me.
Guess that means I'm not as fearless as I want to be, huh? Since I'm so scared of all my work being pointless, of all the things I've shed tears and blood for being a lie. That's why I turn a blind eye when I see you saving someone, or reason it off as something else. That's why I argue myself blue in the face against those who claim you're a hero.
Because if you're the hero, what am I? If you're the one who was right, that would make me the wrong one, the petty girl who only saw herself when you were out there working your butt off helping other people.
Don't act like you care what happens
Don't complicate things any more
I don't need to change things all around
Especially with what you've done before
Maybe it's selfish of me to think that way, but I can't help it. I have to believe in myself, since no one else does. They all look at me, and they see a fourteen year old girl who's always tired, whose grades have been slipping lately, and who's started skipping class more and more.
My boss at work thinks I'm a slacker because I come in late and sometimes take breaks for no rhyme or reason, my own dad doesn't trust me anymore since he found out I was keeping things from him! I only really have one friend to speak of, and I have to keep things from him, too.
Like how you've saved my life even though I've tried to kill you. How you apologize up and down for your mistake, which I don't even really care about any more. This is about more then a social life or money now. MUCH more.
The thing is, though, you don't see that. It kind of makes me feel guilty, like I'm using you as a scapegoat for all my troubles. Especially when you give me that concerned look, or you protect me from stray attacks. Hell, even the fact that you'll hold back to keep from hurting me when we fight!
That's part of the reason I have to fight you, though. Because I want there to be a day when you aren't holding back anymore. I want to know that I can take on the world and then some because I can fight you and stand a chance of winning. That's more then the Fentons can say, more then any ghost hunter, actually.
Don't tell me that you're sorry
Don't give me those sad eyes
Even if you don't want to fight
It's all that keeping me alive
I've seen that look in your eyes when you're on TV, fighting another ghost. Sometimes you get that charge, that moment of pure instinctive bliss that comes when your facing someone and you know you can win, but only if you give it your all and then some. That's the look I want to see one day when you face me, don't that grim 'I don't want to fight you but you leave me no choice,' look.
I want you to respect me, look to me as an equal power. I want to fight you knowing that you're giving it all. Then I want to destroy you to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm more then what they think I am. What you think I am.
It's almost ironic. Up until you came along, I never thought of myself as ordinary or boring. I was pretty, I was rich, I was popular, and I was everything other girls envied. Now, though, even being a social outcast, I look back and I see myself as just that.
Because even though I'm in danger now, even if I'm too young to be doing stuff like this, it's something I love to do. It's something I'm good at, something that helps people and gives me a chance to take all my hatred, all my pain, all my distrust and channel it somewhere that I won't hurt someone I really do care about, like my dad or Danny or even just a random teacher who catches me on a bad day.
So don't expect a second chance
And don't quell my growing fire
Because all I've got is here and now
And that's all I'll ever desire
I guess this makes me a twisted girl. I mean, I'm both sure of myself and unsure. I want to help, but I don't. Sometimes, I can't figure myself out at all. I'm working myself to death so I don't have to think about all these things, because it's so hard to look at yourself and admit your flaws, even when they're glaring you in the face.
That's why I put them all on you. That's why I can't trust you, and keep telling you as much. Because trusting you may lead to liking you, and liking you may lead to even more confusion, and I just can't handle that. Two faces, two lives, two different paths, and I'm just one person being told to choose.
Mr. Masters says I'm great. Dad tells me I'm too young. My teachers think I'm slacking. You think that try too hard. My old friends tell me I'm a loser. My new one makes me feel like nothing matters except having fun while I can. Showing loyalties when they're needed. Standing by my ideas.
So maybe I am all those things, and maybe I do have problems. I don't care what they think, though. I don't care what you think. Because Valerie Grey isn't someone who is gonna let other people hurt her anymore.
The only thing I'll ever be truly grateful to you for is showing me that I have something in me that no one else does. For showing me that I'm more special then I'll ever believe. You didn't give me strength, I worked for it. You didn't teach me to fight, but you did show me that I needed to. And for that and the pride I have in my work, I will always owe you some debt of gratitude, I suppose.
…Just don't expect any special treatment, ghost-boy.
WoM- There! I tried to portray a side of Valerie we only get glimpses of in the show. Like I said before, she's one of my favorite characters because there's so many different angles to her personality. You can tell these probably clash a lot, so I think that confusion is what makes Valerie so agressive. Or maybe I'm just over analyzing things again. Ah well. Review please!
Thanks to;
TayloWolf
Saramis Kismet
Myst
Questions;
Saramis Kismet (Not really a question, but I had to respond. I just had to say Iwas very, very touched by your review. Poetry's always been very important to me, and It was really something to have someone else credit me with inspriation. I hope to see some of your works soon, I've read some of your stories before and already know your an exellent writer!)
Next update- December 9th
See you then!