Title: Ghosts and Mirrors
Author: Kat
Pairing: Tony/Michelle (with Jack/Michelle undertones... if you're into that sort of thing)
Spoilers: Season 3
Summery: Set in between Seasons 3 and 4. Tony's out of prison, but for my plot bunnies sake, Jack and Michelle arestill at CTU.
Goodclean Angst.Who needs more?
Rated: PG
Status: Complete
A/N: This is my first ever 24 fic, so please go easy!
Constructive criticism is welcome. Flames will be sent to hell (along with you).
Massive thanks to Natushka for the Beta and all the help!
Please R&R!
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He watches her.
She looks sad, dejected, like the weight of the world is sitting on her shoulders. She looks defeated, run to the end of her tether, without an ounce of energy left for anything, even the simple task of raising her head.
Her hands lay in her lap, her fingers intertwined, the bruising from her handcuffs leaving ugly marks across her otherwise perfect skin.
His eyes linger on her wrists for a moment, at the blood which has splattered against the cold steel. He had told them to leave the cuffs on.
It's over now. He realises it, even as desire for her swells in him. She wouldn't take him back, and he knows it. Not now. She couldn't possibly want him after all of this.
He glances to his left. Jack Bauer is watching her through the one-way glass as well. His brow is creased, his face a mask of tension, as if just now realising the scope of what has happened. But that isn't the truth. Jack Bauer knew exactly what would happen when they started on this path, from the moment her hesitant voice suggested it, to them standing in this very spot. He knew.
And he'd let it happen.
Inside the room, staring at the marks on her skin, Michelle concentrates on breathing. Out. In. Controlled. Don't let them see how hard it is.
Out.
Don't show them how much it hurts.
In.
Don't give in to the overwhelming desire to just stop, close your eyes and sleep. Blissful darkness that she welcomes. How much it would mean to give in.
Out.
But she won't. If only to prove to them all that she's cut out for it. That she can make it with the best of them.
She knows he's there. Even in another room, cut off by soundproof walls and a reflecting mirror...she knows he's watching her. A small part of her wants him to come to her, but mostly she wants him to stay away. She doesn't want to hear that they'll work it out. She doesn't want him next to her, whispering lies that it'll be okay. That nothing has changed. Because they have. She has.
She is no longer the same woman that he married. And she wonders if he still wants what she has become.
"She needs debriefing."
Jack's voice startles Tony, who brings uncomprehending eyes to face his friend. A long moment passes before he speaks.
"Do you really think doing it now is a good idea?"
"We don't have a lot of time." Jack's voice is hard, uncompassionate, but Tony has worked with him too long to care. The past 24 hours has been hard on all of them, and Tony himself has little energy to be sympathetic.
Tony nods, turning again to stare at the woman beyond the glass, but makes no move to enter the room. He closes his eyes, and listens as Jack moves. Hears his steps towards the door, feels the small swish of air as it opens. He senses the hesitation, even if it happens so quickly that Jack himself doesn't realise he'd done it.
Tony opens his eyes and watches as Jack approaches her, and even in his fatigue he's gentle. Soft feet. His weathered face relaxing. He knows what it's like for Michelle at the moment. He remembers.
Michelle looks up as Jack enters, her eyes round like saucers.
"Hey Jack."
"Hey Michelle." He takes a seat in front of her, his eyes kind, "How you feeling?"
She blinks, and gives him a tight smile, "I'm fine, Jack, really." But her smile stops at the curve of her lips. Her eyes are dark pools of inky void.
Jack nods, absently, then glances through the glass directly at Tony, even though it's his own reflection that looks back. His eyes rest back on Michelle, "Why did you stay?"
Michelle's body tenses, her fists balling tightly, her wrists pulling against the hard metal of the cuffs. Jack watches as her eyes flutter shut and her breath becomes heavy. Controlled.
In. Out.
Heartbeats pass, and Michelle's eyes open again, "You know why." Her voice is hard, clipped, each word bitten off.
"Tony came to get you out." Jack reminded her gently, "You could have left weeks ago."
There is a battle going on in Michelle's head. A war between her mind and the drugs coursing through her body. The drugs that screamed at her it was Tony's fault. That he made her do all of it.
Tony, who had once loved her like she was the only woman placed on this earth for him, who'd cherished her like she was made of gold. She had been his lifeline, he'd told her often enough.
------
"I couldn't imagine my life without you..."
Tony sat on the grass, gently stroking Michelle's hair. She lay against his chest, listening to his heart beating and enjoying the serenity of their first day off together in months.
"Promise me something, Michelle." His voice had been soft, but tinged with something she couldn't quite place. Emotion, maybe.
"Promise me what ever happens... you'll remember how much I love you."
She had nodded, smiled, kissed her lover passionately and promised under those stars that she would never doubt his love... that she trusted him with every part of her being.
-------
And now Michelle looks at Jack, and forgets the words her husband had whispered to her. Forgets his tender eyes, the soft smile he reserves only for her, his promises. Her promise.
She blames him. Blames him for her condition...
Michelle looks back through the glass as well. To where he watches her. She knows he's still there, his face inches from the cool surface, his eyes drinking up the site of her. Her eyes stare blankly with her reflection. Again she wants him to come... To beg for forgiveness.
Or to forgive her.
Jack's words echo in her head.
"Tony came to get you out...could have left weeks ago"
But she'd stayed. And day after day Tony had knelt by her side, whispered his love in her ear, and done things to her she'd never known anyone would be able to do, not even in her wildest nightmares. He'd stood by helplessly as she gave herself to the terrorists, pretended to be no better then the scum they were trying to bring down.
An undercover job gone so dramatically, horribly, tragically wrong.
It had worked though. They had gotten the information they'd needed, and the ring had been brought down to it's knee's.
Jack didn't know if it was worth it. To see so much life gone from Michelle, to see her broken. It was heart wrenching for him, he who counts so very little in this world as a friend.
"I stayed..." Michelle mumbles softly, her eyes once again at the cuffs encasing her wrists. Her husband had demanded they stay on.
"She isn't stable."
He doesn't trust her. But she knows she doesn't trust him.
"...because I needed the... " A single tear drops from her eye, splattering against her thumb, "I couldn't stop what they were doing to me...and I couldn't..." She pauses again, then her eyes flick up to Jack's, "You know why."
Tony watches her from behind his barrier. Looking in. His heart is a shattered mass of pieces, jabbing his chest and punishing him. His love, his life, and there she sits, her own broken mass, a shell of her former self.
But he still loves her. And maybe that's what hurts him the most. His belief that this woman who he condemned to suffering would never love him again. Could never love him.
Jack is patient with her. His voice soft, but commanding. "I don't know Michelle. Tell me."
She won't look at him. That past few months start to churn away in side of her, Jack's words reminding her of things she's desperately tried to bury. She can feel them, growing in side of her. Choking her. All those acts she was forced to do, the pain, the humiliation. The disgust.
Her whole body shudders and she squeezes her eyes tight, trying to block it all out.
She doesn't hear Jack urgently calling her name as the horrors start taking her over once again. Suddenly she's back there, surrounded by blood and moans, naked and cold, bruised. They're screaming at her.
A sharp pain, and she knows the drugs are back. The ones that make her like it and make her lust for more.
Revulsion makes her body convulse, but time disappears and she doesn't know where she is anymore. She cries, because she no longer knows herself.
Time passes, and she awakes on a soft bed. It smells clean and unused. She is disoriented, until she remembers that's she's back at CTU. That they've saved her. She sits up to find Jack by her bed, sitting in a chair with a folder on his lap.
There is a large bruise on his right cheek that wasn't there before.
"Jack?"
He looks up, studies her.
"Your face." She points, her hands free of her restraints, and he smiles ruefully.
"Don't worry about it. How are you feeling?"
"Fine." The response is automatic, and her eyes are searching the room. But there is no reflecting mirror for him to hide behind. Her eyes zero in on the security camera, and she pictures him behind a desk. His elbows on the table, hands clasped, and his worries his bottom lip with his thumb. His eyes will be glued to the screen, ignoring anyone around him. The security guard perhaps, or an equally worried co-worker.
"Michelle." He commands her attention, "I want to talk about Tony."
She swallows hard, her eyes darting across the room again. Back to the black box. Back to him.
"There's nothing to talk about." She insists, then looks up at him through her eyelashes, "Common Jack. You know what happened." Her voice drops lower, and she smiles.
It sickens him.
"How about we just forget about this? I'm out, they're all in prison..." she leans forwards, exposing her cleavage, as her eyes turn sultry.
"Michelle." His voice is hard, stopping her in her tracks. "This isn't you."
"You're wrong Jack. You're wrong!" she screams at him, pushing herself up on to her hunches like a caged animal. Her hand rests against the wall as her eyes fall shut and her body quivers, "You don't know what it was like." She mummers, suddenly calm.
"Michelle." Jack's voice is soft again, "I know what your feeling. I do. It makes you think things that you wouldn't ordinarily think." He's off his chair, on the bed now, kneeling next to her, and she's looking down into the blue of his eyes, "Tell me what it's making you think."
She's scared. He can see her body shaking. Her eyes squeeze shut again and he can see the battle raging in her mind. Logic tells him to step back. Last time in holding he caught her boot with his face, but he refuses to move.
"It's alright Michelle." He whispers to her... "Just tell me."
Her eyes snap open and she's calm again. He watches her relax. She sits back down and places her hand on Jack's arm, "I did my job." She states, matter of fact, "And then you brought a civilian into it and almost blew my cover."
"Tony wanted to help."
The only sign from her at the mention of Tony's name are her fingernails, which drive themselves into the soft flesh of Jack's arm. He doesn't move.
"It was a mistake."
"Why didn't you leave when he gave you the chance?"
"Because my job wasn't done yet."
"It was getting to dangerous for you Michelle. Tony could have..."
"Tony's a civilian!" she points an accusatory finger at Jack, "He shouldn't have been there! You shouldn't have let him."
"He has training Michelle. And he was given clearance... why didn't you want him there?"
She's quivering again. Her whole body a block of tension, "Go away Jack."
"Michelle... listen to me. I know it's hard, but this is important." Jack places his hand on her shoulder, turning her to face him, "Do you trust me?"
She looks at him, her eyes matching his, and slowly, imperceptibly, she nods her head, "I do Jack." Her voice is soft, almost like a little girl is staring back at him, "I trust you."
"Then I need you to answer my questions." He smiles reassuringly at her, but she doesn't respond, "Why didn't you leave?"
Jack's hand is still on her shoulder. She looks at the way his fingers are gently curled into the fabric of her shirt. Feels their warmth against her skin. She's seen those hands do many things. They've killed. They've pulled a thousand triggers and ended a thousand lives. She's watched those same hands wrap tightly around a throat and choke the life out of someone. She's seen them beat, torture, maim. And she's seen them tender. The way they gently hold Kim as his lips brush her forehead. The way they hold up his comrades when they've struggled. This man who can be so relentless...
A tear slips from her eyes, and she knows he's trying to help her. And she wants to tell him the truth.
Her eyes dart back up to the camera, less sure now that he's there. Would he still be watching her?
"It was him." She mummers, her eyes falling shut and her head leaning against the wall, "I went for him, and I stayed because...because I couldn't leave him there."
"You went undercover because of Tony?"
Michelle draws a deep breath, "When I left him...after he came back from prison...I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't bare it without him. Going undercover gave me something else to think about."
Another moment.
"But the things they did to me there... If you'd known Jack you wouldn't have let me go. If he knew..." A sad smile crosses her lips... then suddenly it disappears and her whole body tenses, "I don't want to talk about that."
"It's okay Michelle." Jack's voice is soothing, "Just...take your time."
"When he walked in, that first time... I was on my knees in front of Kabir," she names the terrorist's ring leader, "begging them for more drugs. Only..." her eyes open and they boar into Jack's, "Only by then I wasn't pretending anymore Jack. I needed them. And when I saw Tony there..." she hangs her head, another tear falls, but she continues, "I hated him. I knew he'd come to take me away, and I wanted to stay."
Jack hand is gripping her shoulder, his face a tight mask of control, "That's not your fault."
She raises her head, "That wasn't the only thing I wanted."
Jack isn't confused. He knows what she is talking about. The pain, the torture... having it to focus on, to take away from her inner turmoil.
He understands.
"He saved me from that place...when I wasn't worth saving. He saved me once before... at the expense of everything that meant anything to him... and how did I repay him? I left him Jack. He gave up his life for me and...and I became something that he'd never want to touch again." a sob chokes off her last word, and Jack gathers her in his arms. He holds her tight against him as she cries, as her body convulses with her self loathing.
Jack doesn't know how long he holds her for, but eventually her body relaxes and she just lays against him, drawing strength from his embrace.
"I still love him Jack." She whispers into his chest, the smell of Jack Bauer invading her senses. Her body shakes, when suddenly a sharp ringtone assaults the room. Jack, still tightly holding on to Michelle with one hand, reaches with the other and pulls out his cellphone from his pocket.
"Bauer."
"Jack, it's me." Chloe O'Brian's voice fills his ear, "There's something out here you need to look at."
Jack looks down at Michelle, "Can't it wait?"
"No Jack, it can't. I need you now."
"Fine, I'll be there in a second." He gently extracts himself from Michelle, holds her by the shoulders and looks directly into her eyes, "I'll be back in a minute, alright?"
She nods, numbly, curling into a ball on the edge of the bed as she watches Jack walk away from her. The door clicks shut, and a moment later it opens again.
It's him.
Tony stands on the threshold, looking down at her, his eyes roaming. She returns his gaze, her breath only slightly hitched.
He looks worse now then when she last saw him. Unshaven. Tired. Bruised and battered from their last confrontation with the terrorists still marring his features. But he's still beautiful.
"You heard all that." She doesn't put it as a question.
Tony nods, "Yeah."
He doesn't know what to say. Her last words to Jack are still ringing in his ears and it's all he knows.
"I still love him."
The whole world has stopped except for Tony, his wife, and those four words.
"Why did you stay?"
Michelle's eyes don't waver from his, her voice strong, even as a single tear trails down her cheek, "Because I couldn't leave you there alone. Because being there, in that place, with you, was better then being anywhere else alone." Her face crumples a moment before she regains control, "You were there because of me. And I wasn't going to make you face it alone."
In three quick strides he's in front of her, kneeling on the floor, looking up at her, "You were there because of me."
She smiles down at him through her tears, "And I left because of what I'd done t..."
He cuts her off, his soft fingers pushing against her lips, "Shh, Michelle. None of that matters anymore." He looks up at her earnestly, "We're together." He shakes his head emphatically, "And I don't care about anything else that's happened."
"You still want me?"
He stands, pulling her off the bed and holding her against him. Her body shakes in his arms, "I still want you Michelle."
He pulls her closer, and she feels his body respond to her pressing against him, "I never stopped."
He pulls away from her a fraction, cupping her face in his hands and staring into her eyes, "I love you Michelle. Always."
She's crying, but she smiles, her face twisted in joy and disbelief, and then Tony captures her lips with his, gently caressing them, draining away the past few months in the simple action. He wraps his arms around her and holds her again, his fingers tangled in her hair, fierce possession taking over him.
His eyes are closed as he delights in the very feel of her. His entire being starved for an eternity. This moment, away from life, away from decisions and repercussions, away from thought. This moment he savours, wishing with his being that it would last forever.
But already it is slipping. Michelle isn't so ready to forget. Isn't so able. Even now he can feel the dark memories in her mind stirring. Can feel her tensing. Can feel the moment disappearing into the void of their first kiss, the first moment he knew he loved her, the first time he held her naked body in his arms and knew that she trusted him. All those moments so powerful, those moments he would never feel again.
"Don't. Michelle." He pulls away from their embrace, resting his forehead against hers, "Don't go there. Not yet." He kisses her lips softly, teasingly, before he pulls away for a breath, "Stay here with me."
She smiles, wistfully, as if his words are a wonderful dream that she can only imagine having, "I have to tell you what happened."
He nods. He knows they both have to travel that path sooner or later.
"Promise me something Tony." She whispers to him, her fingers trailing across the bruises on his face. Her eyes searching his, questing. "Promise me whatever happens...whatever I tell you..." she pauses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, "You'll remember how much I love you."
And he nods, smiles softly, kisses his love passionately and promises her under the buzzing of CTU's florescent lights that he won't ever doubt her love.
That he trusts her. With every part of his being.