ME and MYSELF
Disclaimer: I wished I can own Riku and Sora for me only TxT
Author: I wanted to write KH fanfic which Sora has many of personalities but... I only can made this one so far. More like Sora's having internal conflict with himself:3 Well, hope you like it and enjoy! Thank you for reading this fic.
ps: I added some parts that was none in the previous on this update. Just a little bit of details on last part, nothing much :)
(Otsukare, RIN, Shin X& Shinka-san!)
I adore him so much. His aqua marine eyes that like an ocean , his silver hair that like the pale moonlight and his name, Riku. Ever since the first day I saw him, I already fell in love with him. Riku is the most famous guy in our school and rumors said he has a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends. But the truth is, he never had a real relationship with any girl, nor boy in that matter. He never wanted to start a relationship with his admirers. I know that I only have a slim chance but it does worth a try right? My best friend Kairi always giving me her supports and then I gathered all of my courageous to confess to him. I ask him to meet me at the school backyard when school's over.
"I-I love you. W-would you b-be my boyfriend?" I smiled sheepishly, my hands which holding a love letter for him were shaking badly
Yeah, it looked girly, but it couldn't be helped. Riku reached the love letter on my hands, open it, and start reading. My heart's pounding very fast. My greatest fear is that he tear my love letter apart which containing all my feelings for him then turn away.
"You're so cute." he smirked, folding my love letter and safely put it on his pocket. "I couldn't resist. Such adorable…" he cupped my chin and looked in to my eyes
Oh God, I'm drowning…! Help me to breath!
"S-so?" at last, I managed to say something, wanted to know he rejected me or not
"So be it." Riku leaned down and then… kissed me!
I can hear the triumphant celebrate fireworks in my head and spring flowers were bloomed around us. I thought it was a new start of my joyful and happy school live. But I was wrong…
If he didn't love me, why did he accepted me? Why did he do this to me? Just used me then throw me away…
Since the day you decided to confess to him, you must have known that this day would come. You'll end up like those fools!
No… I don't wanna die… I… don't… can't breath…
Yeah, you have to live. Revenge! Make him suffer and begging for death! That's how you pay him for what he had done to you!
Half year later since that day, I found myself in hospital. I was committed a suicide, jumped from the top of a bridge. Hoping that I'm drowning then die, in the bottom of dark and cold lake. But my mind keep telling me to survive. It was not just me who had try to committed suicide because of him. I was just one of them, the fools. Am I lucky just being alive? No… and yes.
"Sora!" a beautiful and warm voice called my name
"Kai…ri?" I opened my eyes slowly and saw her smile at me in relief
"Thank Goodness you're awake!" she wiped her tears and gave me a hug. "Why are you so stupid? Throw your live recklessly like this!" she's mad
Stupid… yes, I was! But now I'm different. I have another reason to live now.
"I'll go grab Riku." she let go of her hug. "He's probably in the cafeteria. He haven't sleep for three days ever since."
"He's here?" I asked with weak and shaky voice, maybe I drank too much water back there
"You had no idea how worried he was, Sora." she put one of her hand on her hip and shook her finger in front of me. "I will go get him okay?" then she left
Ha ha, that's funny! He was worried about me? He was the reason I jumped off that bridge. Feeling guilty eh? I don't think so. I heard that there're many fools like me who committed suicide because of him but he didn't give them a damn!
A moment later, Riku came with Kairi. Those eyes I adored so much, now I hate them! I feel that I want to take them out of their place.
"I'll go get some food." Kairi winked at me as she left again, wanted to give us comfortable space to talk
We both quiet for a while. My heart is burning with anger and hatred but I tried my best to keep calm.
"What do you want?" I asked him in sarcastic tone
"I'm so sorry…" he hold my hand and his head sank into my chest
"BACK OFF!" I managed to shout out, shook his hand away roughly
He stepped back, frowned and looked furious.
"You never care for me, so stop pretending that you are!" I throw my pillow on his face
He didn't say anything, instead staring at me in shock. Perhaps right now, he worried about my sanity. I never out of control like this. I always been a good boy. The kind and innocent Sora.
"You know what? I came back from hell to deal with you." I grinned with satisfaction. That was what I wanted to tell him
Suddenly my chest is hurt as hell and I began to cough. It's probably due to waters that interjected on my lungs when I was drowning.
"Are you okay?" he's stroking my back gently, his voice seemed worry.
Nah, it must be a trick. He has many sweet words that could sway everyone.
"Don't – Touch – Me!" I pushed him away as I warned and shot a deadly glare at him.
He sighed and shook his head.
"Fine then!" he shouted as he leave and slam the door
Finally, I came back to school where I met Riku, that devil in disguise. I have plenty of plans on how to take my revenge, and this is my first step.
"Howdy, bro!" Axel clutched his hand on my shoulder. "I'm glad to see you again. You're the first one who survived 'Riku's suicidal victims case' y'know! Congrats anyway!"
"Thanks, Axel." I cupped his face and staring into his beautiful emerald eyes
I can see him blushed and melted with my touch.
"Imagining that I was him right?" I teased him as I leaned closer and feel his breath in my face. "They said me and him look alike a lot. What do you think, Axel?"
"I…" Axel was about to kiss me
"Sora!"
Here comes the trouble! Riku yelled my name when I was about to kiss Axel at the school yard.
"What the fuck are you doing!" he grab my shoulders and shaking me roughly
"None of your business!" I slapped his hands off of me. "We'll continue later, Axel." I gave him a meaningful smile
Axel nodded as he went to the class, whistling joyfully.
"You've changed, Sora." his eyes looked sad
Sad? This professional heartbreaker could feel sad towards his victim? Impossible! But I do hope he feels sad, because that was what I want.
"Guess who caused it?" I smiled wickedly and walked away
I saw Roxas not so far from us, his gaze met with mine and I smile widely in return. Roxas is Axel's best buddy and Axel loved him deeply. But he didn't seem feel the same way. I still remember the day before I decided to suicide. It was rained badly and I got kicked out from my apartment because I late to pay the rent. Riku promised that I could share one room on his apartment until Kairi's house renovation is done. Thanks to Kairi's parents kindness, I could stay in their house for a while. Riku gave me his apartment's key, and said that I was the only one who had the duplicate. I was so happy back then, until… I found out with my own eyes that he and Roxas are making out senselessly in the room he promised to give me. Too long that I hold myself back and be patient. Too long I linger on his betrayal. My jealousy hurts so bad, I couldn't stand it anymore. And so, that day I decided to end my life.
Back to the present. Right now my first target is Roxas. I wanted to show him what it's like when your boyfriend is stolen away from you.
"Hey, you came!" I was waiting for Axel in gym's changing room after school. "I thought you would never show up."
"How could I reject you? You know Im weak against the type like you." Axel pulled me closer and gave me plenty of kisses
I knew he still have feelings for Roxas and have no doubt that he took me as substitute. But I don't mind a bit. When our kisses deepened, I heard footsteps walking toward us and the door opened. Just as I expected, it was Roxas. He stared us in shock and disbelief.
"Hi, Roxie." I smiled sheepishly (fake) at him as I pull away from Axel
"Could you give us some privacy?" Axel pleaded as he hug me tighter and kiss me even more passionately
Oh yeah, I can see anger burning in his cerulean blue eyes and saw him gritted his teeth to hold himself. Then he left without a word, letting us to continue what was interrupted. Had I become a whore? Nope. I think this was better than to be Riku's pet or slave. The best part will come in any minute now… BANG! Someone has kicked open the door forcefully. I know it was him. Everything is going through as I planned.
"Don't mind him, Axel." I told Axel who was surprised by Riku's sudden appearance and kissed his jaw
Axel moaned my name and both of us were already half naked.
"Get off my Sora!" Riku grabbed Axel's arm and landed a fist on his right cheek
Axel goes down and hit the floor, his lips is bleeding.
"Shit!" Axel swore under his breath
"I'm not yours anymore, Riku. I freely to make out with anybody I wanted to!" I help Axel to stand, lick his bleeding lips with my tongue
"Have you lost your mind, Sora?" Riku's eyes looked dangerous
"I think I am the most sane among three of us here." I replied calmly. "Now get the hell out of my sight!"
"Hmph, who do you think you're talking to, Sora? He's the famous Riku who got all what he want, remember?" Axel smirked, mocking him
I smiled widely, agreed with Axel. In a quick glance, Riku had knocked Axel down to the floor once again.
"What did you say huh? Speak louder!" Riku grabbed Axel's red hair, he was seriously looked dangerous now
I took the broomstick next to me and strike Riku directly in his head. I knocked him down, bleeding.
"Good job, Sora." Axel hardly stood on his feet and then he put his foot on Riku's face
"I want to enjoy killing him slowly, Axel." I told him, want to spend private time with Riku only. "Thanks to him my mood is ruined."
Axel grinned as he picked up his cloth on the floor then left us both. Riku was half unconscious on the floor, his head still bleeding.
"It never crossed my mind that I could knock you down this easily." I chuckled, feel satisfied
"So... sorry…" He murmured
Geez, why did he apologize for? It makes me sick! I kicked him hard on his chest till I could hear him cried in pain. Shit! What're these feelings! I feel my chest tight and tears in my eyes?
"W-what have I done? Ri-Riku, are you okay?" I hurried help him, put his head on my lap
Dammit! Why am I so panicked? No, this is what I want! I want him to suffer! But my action was different. I grabbed my clothes and torn them then used it to wrap his wound I have caused.
"Is that hurt?" I don't even believe my own voice, did I just ask him this question?
He smiled at me, softly.
"NO!" I stood suddenly, dropped his head from my lap. "You suppose to be suffer! Dammit!" I cursed my pitiful self and wiped away my tears
"You're crying… for me?" he smirked
I don't know what have gotten into me. The next thing I know, I already pinned him on the floor with my feet and both of my hands were strangling him on his pale skinned neck. He didn't struggle at all, but his face is reddened due to lack of oxygen.
"Shut the hell up!" my hand is shaking, my tears is falling on his face
I cant do this… I couldn't kill him…
Yes, you can! Go ahead. Finish it! He does deserve to die. Tell me, what was your motive to live again?
Hell NO!
You fool! There's no turning back now.
After I screamed and tried my best to ignore my mind, I ran away as fast as I could, leaving him half-unconscious and bleeding on the cold floor. On second thought, maybe it was better if I died on that lake. I'm really such a coward and pathetic…
I have nowhere else to go but to Kairi's house. Her parents are so kind that let me stay there until I graduate. They treated me like their own son. Kairi's so lucky to have parents like them.
"Kairi, what should I do?" I was sitting in the corner of my room when Kairi came in to check my condition
"I'm really confused about you, Sora. You've changed too much." Kairi sat next to me. "I barely know you now."
I don't even sure about myself too. I thought my reason to live was to make Riku suffer and begging for death. But I betrayed my mind, which kept me survived back there on that lake. I never really wanted to see him suffer or hurt.
"I wished I was dead…" I buried my face on my knees
"Sora…" Kairi patted my back softly. "I feel responsible when things turned out like this. I'm the one that kinda forced you to confess your feelings to him."
I shook my head, it's not her fault.
"He told me everything…" she took a breath and exhaled
I lift my head and look at her curiously.
"Riku told me everything when you were in hospital." she corrected her sentence
I wanted to ask what had he told her but my mind yelled at me to stay away from everything that connect to Riku. And I bet what had he told her was load of bullshits.
"You know, he really loves you, Sora." Kairi started her story telling
Love? Did he ever love me a bit? He never cared or loved me.
"I bet he loves to screw my life!" I cut her off sarcastically
Kairi sighed.
"I know you think that he's a liar but you don't have any idea what was he looks like when he'd telling me the whole stories!"
I was not in mood to argue with her any further. Besides, I wont believe anything she says about him. She told me that for a half year of my relationship with Riku, he was struggling against his past. He has ended all of his affairs with his so called fuck buddies just for my sake. For me… I remember, during that time I was often bullied by his former fuck buddies and he came to rescue me. Always. But come on, what's so great about it?
"What about Roxas?" this is the prove that Riku was lying all the time
"Like what I did told you, Sora. Riku loves you, from the very beginning, from the first time he met you."
"Bullshit!"
"Don't you even get it? Roxas was your substitute!" Kairi almost screamed. "You guys are look alike, except for the hairs colour."
Huh? My what?
"You must be kidding me…"
"That day, Roxas was asking to make out with him for one last time. You see, Riku couldn't refuse because he knew it'll make things even worse. I think, it was a painful decision when he got to end their relationship." Kairi is feel pity for Roxas.
This is getting ridiculous! I don't believe them!
"I'm telling you what exactly he had told me. It's up to you to believe it or not." she looked in to my eyes with her warm violet eyes. "He had crush on you but he had no courage to tell you. He was afraid of being rejected."
"Oh yeah? Now I can see the reason he had so many girlfriends and boyfriends around him. It was because of he preferred to reject than to be rejected, right?"
"You probably right but… he did that because he wanted to catch your attention, Sora. He wanted you to look at him, his presence."
"Oh, what a show off type…" I commented. "My eyes never leave him or his shadow from the day I met him. How come he had been that stupid not to realize it?"
"Well, I guess he thought that you only admiring him like the others do. He was aware for this, you seemed don't see him the way he is. Besides, he didn't have enough courage to talk to you"
"Crap." I feel that I want to vomit
That get all he wanted and famous Riku didn't have courage to talk to me? Nonsense! But wait… I didn't have any courage to talk to him either. I was only his secret admirer. Hey, no excuses for that bastard!
"Sora…" Kairi sighed, she looked at me with pitiful eyes. "I promised Riku not to tell you but I don't want you continue to hate him because of these misunderstandings."
"What misunderstandings?" I asked dumbly
Kairi took a deep breath and exhaled.
"Now tell me, how did you survive from your suicide?" she looked serious
"My mind kept telling me to live, to seek revenge…" those words slipped out from my mouth without notice
"That's not what I mean."
"Huh?"
What is she talking about?
"Do you know who has jumped after you, dragged you out from water and called an ambulance? Do you know who's your savior is? You didn't just end up in hospital alive, if you threw yourself from a bridge in a stormy night."
"What do you mean?" I still don't get what she's saying
"You still don't get it, Sora? I wonder how dummie you are…" she shook her head. "It's Riku who has saved you."
What! Liar! He couldn't… He wouldn't… Would he?
"You're lying…"
My chest suddenly felt tight as if an invisible hand grasped on it and I can hardly breathe.
"Like I told you, it's your choice to believe it or not. I'm just telling you what he had told me."
Kairi told me after I left his apartment that night when I found out he's making out with Roxas, Riku was chasing after me. He was looking for me everywhere through that stormy night. Until, he saw me standing in the edge of top of the bridge, so ready to jump. Without thinking anything else, he ran as fast as he could to reach me but it was a little late. And then, without hesitation, he jumped after me. Dive into the cold lake to find me and pulled me out. If not, I wouldn't be here right now.
"Where're you going?" Kairi asked when I suddenly stood up and reach the doorknob
"I have to find Riku." that's all I said as I left in hurry
Oh Gosh, what had I done! I knocked him down and left him dying out of blood. I should have known, from the day I confess my feeling for him, I have to be ready with any consequences it'll cost. The truth is, I don't deserve him a bit.
"Riku!" I slammed the gym's changing room open, almost lost of breaths
I thought I would see him lying in there but I was wrong, only pool of bloodstains left. Where did he go? Did he already go home? Please, don't panic. He'll be alright! But I couldn't stay calm, I need to see him that he's alright. He mustn't be too far from here. With that, I went searching for him in the entire school. Checking every spot and corners where he usually hang out.
"Riku…" I found myself on school's roof, calling his name desperately with shaking voice
I've made a big mistake, there's no chance for me to start over. I've hurt Roxas, even though he didn't deserve it. I'm such a bastard! The feeling of guilt and regret fill my heart even more. My tears kept falling like rain. I walk to the fence and look down to the schoolyard. Ah, so inviting… If I can choose, I don't wanna end my life this way, jumping from the top of school building. I'll end up… nasty.
"Riku…" I'm calling his name while climbing the fence.
Will I meet my Mom and Dad on the other side? Perhaps not. People who committed suicide will go to hell and rot there. My parents would be so disappointed, never to reunite again with their son. I was so ready to jump then.
"Stop right there!" somebody shouted at me
This voice… It's Riku! He's panting hardly. His beautiful silver hairs were stained red with his blood from the wound I have caused.
"Goodbye, Riku…" I said my last words with tears in my eyes
"I said STOP!" he screamed at me
I don't know why but I didn't move a muscle. Why the hell did I oblige to him?
"Please…" he pleaded to me. The famous Riku pleaded? "Don't do this to me, Sora."
Huh? What the hell is he talking about?
"I can't see you die… twice." now Riku is begging as he walking towards me
I don't know what should I do. I just… can't go back.
"No, Riku… I have to go back to hell." yeah, the one who committed suicide must rot in hell. "I don't belong here with you…"
"Then take me with you!" he shouted in desperation, about one meter away from me. His mind is settled.
"Stay away…"
At first, I do want him to die together with me. But now, after I know what was happened, I want to die alone. I deserve that.
"If you want to go back to hell that bad, then I'm coming with you. We both could rot there together. Please Sora, I don't wanna be apart with you again. Ever!"
We're so close now. I can see him cry. Is this all true? I'm not dreaming, am I?
"Sora..." he offered his hand. "Please?"
What should I do?
"If you really want to die, then so be it. We could die together. But please, Sora. We still have a chance to start everything all over again."
"Riku, I…" I don't know what to do. Damn it!
"We, you and me are deserve to be happy, Sora." he's still offering me his hand. "Don't choose this painful way."
And by that sentence, he ruin my determination.
And so, you'll fell again into his trap!
Go away! I love him! Truly, madly and deeply!
"Good." he smiled in relief as I reaching his hand, with one hand still grasping on the fence.
"Promise me that you'll never lie to me again."
"I promise, Sora. I promise!" he took my hand and kiss it gracefully
Did he really love me like this?
"I love you, Sora. Only you."
At last, he told me the sentence I always dreaming to hear.
"I love you too." my tears rolling down to my cheek, tears of happiness
And then, my feet slipped. I lost balance and start to fall…
"Hang on!" luckily Riku is still holding my hand, prevent me from freefalling to the ground
He looked in so much pain. I don't think he can hold me any longer in his current state.
"Just let me go…"
"No… Never!" he gritted his teeth, pulling me with his hands
It would be fine if I die alone.
"Don't you let go!" looks like he can read my mind. "Don't, Sora!" I can feel his tears dropping on my face
"Let me go!" he seems to be in pain, I can't stand see him like that. "Good bye, Riku…" I tried to loosen his grip on my hand
"SORA...!"
Four years later…
Riku is still sleeping on this beautiful morning. All he wants was to sleep all day and undisturbed by anything, but…
"Wake up you sleepy head! You have to go to work!"
"One more minute…" Riku snuggling into bedcover
"Oh, what a good husband you are! You have to work for our living!"
Riku pull his pouting wife closer and gave him lots of kisses.
"I've been a good husband last night." he teased
"Do you want me to drag you all the way to bathroom, honey?"
"Oh, come on, Sora…" Riku wake up completely because of Sora's threat, he's getting used to Sora's sudden change of personalities now
They started a new life after that incident four years ago. They landed on a tree after they jumped from the roof. Lucky for them it strong enough to hold their weight or, they wouldn't have survived.
"I made a delicious breakfast for you." Sora said cheerfully.
"What it is?" Riku asked curiously from bathroom.
"Uhm, miso soup and grilled salmon." Sora answered proudly.
"Oh…" that's all Riku's reaction
Sora frowned and pouted.
"I'll kill you if you said it tastes bad." he gripped his hand furiously
"Hey, I haven't said anything nor eat it yet, baby!" Riku yelled from the bathroom.
Sora smiled happily. Nothing can compare with his happiness now. He got a handsome, responsible and hard working husband. And the most important, loves him more than anything. Riku showed how he loved Sora so much four years ago when he fell from the school's roof. He decided to let go Riku's hand which holding him with all the strength he had and thought that it would be better if only him fell. But what happened next was beyond his imagination. Riku jumped after him, if Sora dies then Riku will follow him. Sora still remember the warmth of Riku's hand that hold him so tight at that time.
In the bathroom, Riku sighed. He's wondering if married with Sora was the right choice. Due to the incident four years ago, Sora has a little problem with his personalities. His personality could change quickly based on his mood. But that's not a big problem for Riku, he just loved all of them. Cause no matter what kind of personalities Sora's in, he is still his cute and lovely Sora.
"I guess I knew why my weight is increasing now…" Riku talked to himself when he saw his reflection on the mirror
He's not fat, yet... but that could change in one or two years. Well, maybe he is enjoying his happy life now. Marrying and spend the time with the one he loves which happens to be a good cooker. It was a graceful he could start all over again with Sora…