"He's not a pervert, Lettie," Sophie said loudly, her voice trembling with the effort.
And humbly, she turned away her face, blushing as all eyes turned to her.
Howl's eyes were perhaps the most difficult from which to turn away. Even in the brief moment she stared into them, she was overrun with his emotions; the surprise in his widened blue orbs, the stillness that meant his uncertainty, and most striking of all, their intense regret.
"Sophie," he said softly under his breath. Lettie only stared, perhaps shocked into silence by the sight of her sister standing there so awkwardly in her nightgown, the customers now holding their hands to their mouths as they stared.
Howl took a step forward, hesitating for a moment, and then another, and another, until all at once she was wrapped in his warmth, his scent. For a moment she lost herself in it, didn't resist at all the gentle hand on the back of her neck that guided her head to the curve of his shoulder. She breathed slowly, heavily, unable to speak.
"I'm sorry, Sophie," he was whispering to her, his breath moist against her cheek. "I'm so very, very sorry."
"But you have nothing to be sorry for," she found herself saying, almost in a tone of wonder. She felt dazed, drawn into the moment as if it were a black hole of loveliness. To forgive and forget – it was so simple! Wasn't this all she had ever wanted?
"No," Howl continued firmly, and then, nearly breaking the moment, he gently pushed back her shoulders so as to look brazenly into her eyes. "I should have sensed the spell, shaken it off. I'm stronger than that, and I let it catch me off guard."
"But it wasn't your fault!" she protested, forgetting the eyes that darted intently between them as they spoke. "You could never have guessed it would happen. You had every right to be unsuspecting!"
"In a way, you're right," the raven-haired boy nodded, his eyes narrowing slightly with an anger he kept reserved. "I trusted him. But still, Sophie. Next time, it could be someone truly out to hurt you, and I can't be tricked that easily again. It's my duty to protect you."
"You trusted … him?" she asked, her insistent voice falling into a whisper.
"We both did," he said, his eyes again darkening with thoughts only Sophie could sense. "He told me everything. Cast it in a jealous rage, he said. He couldn't stand not having your attention, he said. He told me he never meant to hurt you, only drive you away from me."
Sophie blinked slowly, her eyes widening in unspoken horror. She could see easily in his face that it was true, that he really believed this. His eyes, normally bright and carefree, were overcast and withdrawn, hung over with a sense of dark brooding. His beautiful smile was constricted into a thin, strained line. He looked so pale – betrayal was etched over every inch of him.
And unable to resist it, she thought, is this how he'll look at me when he finds out who really ordered the spell?
She wanted to reach out, to touch his face and comfort him, say anything that might make it all right – but she couldn't. Her mind was swimming with every possibility of what to do, what to say. She could accept this and go back with him – and yet she couldn't punish Calcifer for what she'd willingly done herself. She could tell the truth of what she'd done, and watch his love for her shatter in doubt and disbelief.
Her lips quivered, and before she could even consider what was right or wrong, she was speaking.
"I forgive you," she said suddenly, letting the words tumble out of her in a gasp of breath.
Howl blinked slowly, and then, as if in a dream, he smiled softly. It was a heartbreakingly beautiful smile, subtle, but perfectly revealing the quiet joy, the relief, he felt. It was a smile that would haunt Sophie relentlessly in the days to come.
"Thank you," he said in the same perfect way, softly, his gratitude expressed with such genuine affection she thought she might break down right there. Why did he have to make it so painful to have wronged him?
He took a tiny step forward, his hands on her shoulders gently pulling her toward him. She let herself go to him, let her eyes half close, and for one aching, terrible moment, she realized that if she only kissed him, only lied, it could all just go on.
She pressed her lips together, and then, with a broken cry, she shook herself free, stepping backward.
"What am I saying?" she cried out, speaking more to herself than to him, her eyes pressed closed in her passion. Tears burned behind them, seeping down onto her cheeks. "You've done nothing! You've done nothing!"
"Sophie!" she heard him say, and his hands were on her again, soothing, gentle, calm, but again she twisted out of them. Lettie was calling to her as well, her voice anxious, but she hardly recognized it – her mind was too lost in her own frantic thoughts.
She was breathing wildly, panting, and when she opened her eyes, they mirrored her turmoil – wide, bloodshot, tears staining her pale cheeks.
"It's me who needs forgiveness," she said, her voice weak, hoarse. "You see – I cast the spell."
"Sophie, you couldn't have – "
"I asked Calcifer to do it for me. I didn't mean for what happened to happen, but it did. And it was my doing."
For a long moment, she couldn't breathe. Her eyes were locked with his, and in an instant she saw what she had feared most. His eyes were wide, stunned, and filled with a kind of horror Sophie had never seen in them. Maybe for the first time in his life he was looking at a thing worse than war or curses or death – maybe her goodness had been the one thing he had counted on.
He was shaking his head in disbelief, but she could see that he knew now the truth of what had happened.
"That spell," he said slowly, clearly trying to summon again her innocence out of this, "If not to make me – then what?"
Sophie stared at him, trembling. Her lips could form no words. Her mind was blank, a vast ocean of white. Then what? What had made her do this to their perfect love? Was it simply pure selfishness? Or was it really just for sex? For sex!
She couldn't say it, and so she didn't.
"I can't tell you," she whispered, shaking her head slowly, wanting horribly to reach out and hold him while knowing how incredibly inappropriate that would be.
"What do you mean, you can't tell me?" Howl was saying, rising a little out of his shock. She could hear just the slightest tremor of anger in his voice, an anger that felt completely unnatural when brought against her.
It was a horrible, horrible thing to say. It was possibly the worst thing she could say, and yet, it was the only thing. She wasn't ready to admit what felt suddenly like an even worse secret.
She shook her head again, wishing she could just go.
"I just can't," she said softly, forcing herself to breath. "I just can't."
"Sophie," he said, his voice firm, but desperately so; she could again sense the rising anger, the frustration he was fighting so desperately against in the name of loving her. "You have to tell me. If you can't tell me, we can't …"
His voice trailed off, but Sophie's mind eagerly filled in the blanks. We can't go home together? We can't be husband and wife? I can't love you for all your trickery and lies?
"I know," she said, fighting the urge to end this and run, run away forever. "I know that. Just give me … give me three days. Give me three days, and then I'll tell you everything. I just need some time to think. Some time to … breathe."
She hung her head, feeling her hands begin to shake.
"Three days?" he repeated. The anger again – oh, why couldn't he just scream at her?
"Yes," she said weakly. "Please – just give me time."
There was a pause, an excruciatingly long pause. She couldn't bear to look at him, but felt instinctively his cold, tense eyes on her, frightened inside more than anything of what she wasn't saying.
"I don't really have a choice in it, do I?" he said at last. His voice was frigid, and it shocked her so much that she lifted her head. He was staring at her with his beautiful wide eyes, and all she could see, suddenly, in that moment, was that they were broken. Broken, broken – he didn't believe in her any longer.
She blinked away fresh, hot tears, and was about to call out to him, wildly, desperately, when she felt gentle hands on her arms. Lettie had come behind her, and she was holding her firmly in place, her blue eyes piercing the man before her.
"I think you should go now," she said lowly. Sophie felt herself fall back onto her sister's weight, exhausted, the world a terrible haze.
She watched Howl nod briefly. He looked at her again, his eyes alive with a darkness that consumed her like cold fire, before gathering himself up.
"Three days, Sophie," he said, pressing his lips firmly together as if he meant to say more. She opened her lips to call out to him, to say in one word the pain that she felt, but in an instant, it seemed, he was gone.
Lettie was ushering her back up the stairway, muttering soothing words to her as she cried. Within minutes she found herself arranged at the kitchen table, a blanket over her shoulders and warm tea in front of her, tears still burning her eyes.
Her sister leaned toward her from the other side of the table, and Sophie looked up, letting out a whimper of pained helplessness as she placed her warm hand over her own. Somehow, no words needed to be said.
And Sophie, exhausted, bowed her head to explain the truth.
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Lettie frowned, taking a long sip of the tea that had long grown cold in front of her. Across from her at the table, her silver-haired sister sat listlessly, her eyes staring out blankly in front of her except for the sadness that still misted over the warm, chocolate brown orbs. Too fatigued to speak, she waited only for her sister's response.
"Well," the blonde girl said at last with a short sigh of her own, "I suppose I was a bit harsh on the man."
Sophie nodded weakly, swallowing in her throat.
"My fault, that," she said in a whisper.
Lettie shrugged, leaning forward again to try and catch her sister's eye.
"You mustn't be so hard on yourself with this, Sophie," she said, her voice calm and reassuring, though it seemed to have almost no effect on the exhausted girl before her. "It turned out badly, but you had good intentions for the spell. What you wanted – it's perfectly natural. There isn't anyone who can say they never wanted that – especially from a husband you've been living with for a year."
"I lied to him," she answered listlessly. "I tricked him. I bewitched him. I practically poisoned him at breakfast."
"But you were confused," Lettie protested, squeezing her hand a little desperately. "You must have been stunned when nothing – well – happened. It isn't something you can really come out and ask for, is it? What could you do, other than wait and do nothing? You only wanted to make things right."
"Yes," Sophie sighed bitterly. "But for what? For a night of … carnal pleasure?"
"It means more than that," her sister answered solemnly. "You know that it does."
"Do I?" the silver-haired girl spat. "Does it? What I'd love to know is where love stops and lust begins. Why did I need it so badly when I was already so happy? I don't, really. I married him because I was already happy …"
"As I said," Lettie continued carefully, "It's perfectly natural. You did nothing wrong in wanting it."
"Only in trying to draw it out of him against his will by some black magic spell I couldn't understand!" Sophie cried out, her breath hitching in the shadow of bitter laughter.
"That may have been a bit behind his back, yes," the blonde girl admitted, "But again. Your heart was in the right place."
"My body, not my heart," she corrected cynically.
"Both," Lettie softly answered.
For a long moment, her sister only stared down blankly into her cold tea, her thin body still as a statue. Whatever thoughts ran through her mind, she didn't speak; and as the seconds stretched into minutes, she at last took in a long, deep breath.
"So what should I do, then?" she whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat.
"You take the three days," her sister answered gently, "And prepare to be honest."
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Oh, but three days leaves plenty of time for things to get worse!
The next chapter may actually be from Howl's point of view. Quite the change, yes? I'm not sure what more to say other than to thank everyone for reviewing. The long ones, especially, are heartwarming and certainly inspiring.
Please review!