Day 23! Today's chapter summary: Neal and Peter having a discussion on clothing and self image.
It had been a pleasant walk. The weather was decent-which was strange on its own for how pitiful of an April it had been-and Neal and Peter decided to walk to and from lunch. It was the walk back. Neal seemed to be glowing from pure innocent joy and Peter couldn't bring himself to pop that bubble. He did anyway.
"You know, Neal," he started. "I've always wanted to ask you."
"Ask me what?" Neal asked in return. He was very confused. There were definitely many things that Peter had 'always wanted to ask' Neal. There were significantly less that Neal actually wanted to answer.
"Why do you dress the way you do?"
Neal paused. He was somehow more confused than he was. That wasn't one of the questions he'd figured that Peter would ask. Ask about alleged crimes, sure. Whatever stupid, mindless, probably crime he'd committed in the past week, definitely. But his clothes? That was somewhere near the bottom of the list.
Neal laughed before answering. "You know the phrase 'the clothes make the man?'"
"Yeah," Peter answered with a nod. Where is he going with this?
"There's your answer."
That was so simple that Peter had to take a minute before he fully processed what Neal had said. He supposed it made sense. But, that led to another obvious question. "So, what man does that make you?"
"Sophisticated," Neal started.
"Doubtful," Peter negated.
"Well-educated."
"Blatantly false."
"Respected."
"What?" That was unexpected. Peter was taken aback.
"Someone people should be nice to, pay attention to," Neal explained. "Someone who can take care of himself."
And if that answer didn't bring up so many questions. What about Neal's life led him to need to feel like someone people should be nice to? People paid so much attention to him all the time. And Peter was concerned about the fact that Neal needed to pretend to be someone who could take care of himself. What happened to him that needed him to put up this front to feel whole? Was it even his place to ask? Peter thought Neal was worthy of enough respect to let his answer stand at that.
"Okay, that explains the suit," Peter said slowly. "Why does it have to be so expensive?"
Neal shrugged. "I always wanted to be a rich man. And this makes me feel better."
Peter was somehow more confused than he was. "Why did you want to be rich?"
It was Neal's turn to be confused about an answer. "Why don't you?"
"I'm happy with the life I have," Peter explained. Why doesn't he get that? "It isn't perfect, but I have a wife who loves me, a house I own, and a career I find fulfilling. I like my life the way it is and I don't need anything else."
Neal stared at Peter for several seconds, almost a minute. "Oh," he answered simply.
"Do you...do you not feel that way?"
"No." Neal took a deep breath and braced himself. "I always lived as someone else. Never had anyone respect me under my real name. Most people never knew the entire me. I never had someone to love me the entire way. Never owned anything legitimately." A sardonic laugh bubbled from his lips. "Never even felt fulfilled in my life."
That was a shock. Peter was always certain that Neal must have loved the criminal life. Why else would he have kept it up so long, if he didn't enjoy it? "No?"
Neal shook his head before repeating "No." He elaborated. "I won't lie to you. I liked stealing. I liked forging. I liked racketeering, lying, cheating people. I liked the thrill. I liked the feeling, the excitement running through my body. It felt good-feels good. But...I didn't like doing those things."
"I don't follow."
Neal sighed. "No," he said for a third time, although a bit more absently this time. "But listen to me. It was fun, committing all those crimes. But I didn't like all the events in my life that led me to that point. And, in all honestly, I did feel bad doing those things."
Peter raised an eyebrow. "You felt bad?" That sounded more disrespectful coming out of his mouth than he intended, but it was too late to take it back now. Neal didn't seem to notice the tone.
"Yeah. Every time. I knew I was doing something wrong." Neal's tone was resigned, almost defeated. "But it was what I had to do."
Peter nodded slowly. He'd give Neal a choice this time. "Do you want to tell me any more?"
Neal shook his head. "Not really."
"Okay. Listen to me," Peter commanded, echoing Neal's earlier words.
"Listening."
"I am hoping beyond hope that you are getting better-" Neal winced. "That's a bad way to word it. Getting rehabilitated." That's better, right? "Going away from a life of crime. And I trust you. You're doing a good job."
Neal gave an almost shy smile. "Thank you." His voice was meek, something very rare to hear from Neal Caffrey.
"I wasn't finished," Peter snapped, without any venom and a smile of his own. "I know you'll never stop feeling that thrill. That's why you do so many...questionable things. I know you feel the thrill and will find a way no matter what you're doing with your life. But I hope you're getting closer to living the life you wanted."
"Thank you," Neal repeated, with more sincerity than Peter had ever heard in his voice. It was an astounding level of conviction and integrity for Neal Caffrey to give. And it was good to hear.
Peter smiled back before quickly steering the conversation far away from emotions. "Okay, now, important question." Neal perked up. "Is the hat necessary to your self image?"
"Yes." Neal nodded once, definitively. "Hundred percent."
"What does the hat do?"
"Goes with the rest of the outfit."
"Nothing else?"
Neal smirked. "Well...it also helps me feel like I stand out a little bit from the crowd." A look of confusion flicked across Peter's face. Neal knew that look was his fault. He explained himself. "As much as I want to be able to blend in and become an average person...I still want to stand out a little bit."
Peter laughed. Neal was so impulsive. He wanted to blend in, be someone just like everyone else. And wanted to stand out. The man was truly a child in an adult's body.
"I should have known," Peter joked.
"Well, look at you," Neal joked back. "Six year old suit. You look like a family man."
"I am a family man."
Neal shrugged, dismissing that clearly ridiculous notion. "Could still do with a new suit."
"Not everyone wears designer clothes all the time."
"No?" Neal asked, innocent as can be.
Peter only rolled his eyes. "Dammit, Caffrey."
I hope you enjoyed today; if you particularly enjoyed, feel free to review. American readers, I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving tomorrow. NaNoWriMo writers, keep on writing!