Thinking of You
By
Alyson Grant
When I'm with him I feel like I can do anything.
Be anyone.
Be a better version of myself.
What he sees, I don't see. I can't see.
Not all of it.
But I want to believe that, that person is really me.
When I look at the glossy girl on the cover of Solid Magazine I look at her defiant attitude and her rock star stance and think, 'That's not me.'
That's some tarted up, British Invasion, 'I'm a rock influenced pop star wannabe with the short, short, Catholic schoolgirl skirt.'
Some manufactured idea of rock and someone else's brilliant idea of what I'm supposed to be.
That is not me.
But the words in that article are. Or are they? They seemed to gloss over things.
Make me seem happier then I really am. Cooler then I really feel.
It's like an exaggerated version of who I truly am on the best of days.
I look at the girl on the cover and I want to be her. Sometimes I feel like some lame version of her and that I'll never measure up.
It's late at night when I think I'm in this competition with myself.
Good Jude vs. Bad Jude.
Smart Jude vs. Stupid Jude.
Jude Harrison against the world. Against everything. And everyone.
Who am I really?
I wish I knew.
Everyone has these opinions about me. Good. Bad. Whatever. It's all there.
My parents, my sister, Tommy, fans, people who aren't so fond of me, the press...
Even EJ and Georgia.
And it's so hard to take all that into account and be this person…be Jude Harrison.
Yes, I won a singing contest.
Yes, I'm semi-famous.
Yes, I once failed a Math test with six percent.
And yes, there are more plenty bad grades where that came from.
All of those things are a part of me.
It's hard to see the really good sometimes.
I just can't see what they see.