Thinking of You

By

Alyson Grant

I know that the people around me would just think that it's a crush.

And maybe it is that. But some small part of me knows that it's a whole lot more.

And that maybe just maybe…it isn't a one sided attraction.

I see the way he looks at me.

Intensely, when we are working on a song.

Intently, when I'm telling him my problems.

With those fathomless clear blue eyes…

Cerulean actually. A very light shade of cerulean blue…

Okay I'll stop.

But I bet it's just my imagination working overtime playing tricks and sending signals of what I want to be rather then what really is.

And then I have to wonder. Is he thinking of me as some silly teenage girl who once impulsively kissed him? As the girl who has a tendency to wear her emotions on her sleeve?

Sometimes everything I feel comes a bit too close to the surface.

Far too close for comfort.

I can't hold back and I'm pretty honest and blunt when it comes to certain things.

Or is he thinking of me as…more then a friend and more like a girl? Perhaps more like someone that he would willingly get to know even better and in a different way if I wasn't only fifteen?

…

And I get weak when he does and wonder if the small smile that begins to play on the very corner of his lips at those times means that he knows it.

I wonder about all of the thoughts that run through his head at moments like those… When he looks at me, when I'm too close to him, when I hug him hello and feel like I could willingly stay in his arms forever but know that I have to let go and get to work or he'd think that I'd turned into some kind of deranged freak overnight, that is when I feel so alive, so charged up and nearly insane from an overload of pleasant emotions.

I get these ungraceful little butterflies in the pit of my stomach sometimes and it's all I can do to keep on talking, keep on speaking, and keep on having coherent thoughts translated into sentences that can actually be understood once they are out of my mouth.

We talk about so much.

I talk about my family.

How my mother is the one who lays down the road called Law and how my sister and I go to my father continually to find the tunnel that goes right though it.

I guess he can be a bit of a pushover. Sometimes.

This is a fact Sadie feels no shame in exploiting when she feels it's necessary.

I on the other hand don't have nearly as much going on behind the scenes so I don't really have a use for all the secrecy and lies. And to be fair neither does she, nine times out of ten. My parents trust her. Ha! If only they knew!

I didn't even realize how I really felt about my sister aside from the obvious 'She does so much. I do so little. How can I compete?' kind thing that I had going on.

Still might have going on. I guess. I'm not sure. I'm working on it.

Was I competing?

'If I am', I said bitterly one night, 'I'm losing'.

That came out before I could think about it.

It came out before I could censor myself.

We talked about that.

Why would I have to censor myself anyway? Or feel the need to? This was Tommy.

I looked at him that night and tried to listen. I really tried to get that it wasn't about competing. I tried to get that this wasn't a win or lose situation.

I tried to understand that no one was better.

But that seemed preposterous.

Look at the facts.

Sadie.

She's done volleyball, basketball, dressage, debating, karate, cheerleading and more.
Everything she's ever done she's always done well.
Great grades…everything.

And then there's me.

I play guitar.

All my grades aren't that great.

Not in math.

And lately not in Science.

Wow.

Yeah.

No one in this scenario is better right?

Right.

Everyone loves her because she seems so perfect and can be nice when she wants to be. That's why she always has a trail of girls and guys who wish they could be more then just friends following her around like little lapdogs as if she were Queen Sadie instead of just the girl who blatantly let the guy I obviously had a crush on aware of just how stupid I can be when it comes to math.

'What kind of moron gets six percent in math? As a final grade? '

Thank.

You.

Sexy.

Sadie.

I finally looked away and contemplated the way the stars twinkled outside yet another café window. I looked at the way the Sky Dome jutted out into the dark night's sky as I slowly sipped my coffee. Closing my eyes to the instantaneous rush of caffeine I got another kind entirely as I listened to the passionate sound of Tommy's voice.

When it was quiet I opened them.

And exhaled.

When I said he couldn't possibly get it because he wasn't Sadie's sister he didn't get angry or even the slightest bit upset at the sudden edge in my tone.

At least not visibly and I know Tommy at least when it comes to me. If it's not on his face, it's not there at all. No pretending. No lies. Just truth.

At the time I hadn't even been fully aware was there…

It just happened.

It just was.

He just listened.

And tried to help.

He tried to help me with a problem I didn't even realize seriously needed fixing...

AG Author's Note-

Reviews not views are what makes me feel like updating.