Thinking of You

By

Alyson Grant

It's weird how events both big and small have the ability to change a person, completely change the course of who they are and what they'll do…how they'll react, and how in the span of a few short months you can go from being one thing to being something else entirely.

I should know.

During the summer of 2001 Tommy was working on a record that hasn't seen the light of day since Darius locked it away. Things with the band weren't going too well and they only seemed to be getting worse.

By February of the following year he was out.

Little Tommy Q who?

He was an excellent producer but he'd started out as a singer.

Did he have any regrets?

Did he ever feel like a failure?

I wanted everything for him. I wanted anything.

What was it like for him to work in music studios nearly every day and not be a singer?

To be behind the scenes and not be the scene, or part of the scene?

Part of the main action?

The integral sing your heart out just because you can part of the action?

I don't know how I'd feel.

I don't even know if I could handle it.

How did it feel to be on the wrong side of the glass? Could it even be called that?

Maybe not.

For him.

And if he felt that he truly was on the right side of it…well, how did he get there?

I wanted to ask.

I wanted to ask him this but in the moment couldn't figure out a delicate way to phrase it.

One wrong word or seemingly judging infliction of tone and wouldn't he get offended?

I think I would have been if the situation had been flipped, switched, and reversed and it was Tommy asking me.

Wouldn't I sound accusatory?

Or worse like an inquisitive reporter who was trying to get information that didn't even concern them?

It might just come off sounding a bit like:

Hey loser. You screwed up. LOSER.

You are a screw up. LOSER.

How do you get by everyday when you're reminded of your failure? LOSER.

Or maybe that's just me.

Sensitive.

Feelings easily bruised.

Over…

Analyzer.

Oh what harm can an inquisitive mind do?

That is a question for the ages.

I guess I just can't imagine something happening to me that would change me so much that I'd be so different because I love my studio time and the whole recording process.

It's all so new to me, perhaps that's a huge part of it and maybe sooner or later the novelty will wear off but for now, I've won Instant Star and I have this whole opportunity as a recording artist and I just can't imagine my life without it.

Or some of the people I've met since my journey began.

I wouldn't even want to try.

I guess I won't really understand until I've been through a similar situation myself but from Tommy's stories I really don't want to.

I haven't had the chance to become jaded on this industry yet.

I don't want to become jaded, wary or cynical, always looking over my shoulder…searching for the hidden catch.

I want to be smart but I don't want to be so overzealous that the fun is sucked right out of it.

I guess I'm sort of innocent that way.

I want. I want. I want.

Everyone wants something, but do they always get it?

Even some warped and distorted version of it?

No.

Not always.

Maybe I'm not so naive after all…