Disclaimer: i do not own any of the character's, and sadly I never will... besides maybe McKay's father... and that doesn't make me happy T-T
AN: Gomen nasai! Watashi wa isogashikatta desu. (my japanese teacher would be soo proud!) I can not apologize enough for how late this chapter is! All I can say is that school and finals are over and done with! And finally work has given me a 'normal' schedule to work with, so things should be looking up! (i hope!) I also wanted to thank everyone who offered to help with the story (beta, etc.). Your support means the world to me, i don't think i can thank you enough! This chapter is dedicated to all of you!
So read and review everyone! tell me what you think, do you like how the story is turning out? i'm open to all types of comments and critisims!
I also wanted to give a BIG THANKS to AKAazosah, my new beta! I wouldn't have been able to get this out without your help! Thanks You!
"So, how have ya been feeling?" Carson asked as he took the thermometer out of Rodney's mouth.
"Fine," he replied quickly, shifting slightly on the gurney.
"No aches or pains? Splinters?" Carson added the last part to get a rise out of the boy, butit didn't work.
"I'm fine." Rodney responded again pausing before he continued, this time a little annoyed. "I don't know why we have to do these daily check ups. I was fine yesterday and I'll be fine tomorrow. It's pointless." Carson was the one that didn't comment this time, but looked sternly at him. The doctor knew that something was wrong with his friend. Ever since the incident last week with Cadman, Rodney had become more difficult to talk with. 'I'm fine' had become a sort of mantra for him.
"We just want to make sure that the age reversal doesn't have any delayed effects." Carson watched as the boy shifted uncomfortably again, under his gaze.
"Nothing's wrong with me, Dr. Beckett. I'm fine." Rodney paused a moment and looked across the room. "Can I go say hi to Cadman now?"
Carson heaved a sigh before telling the boy to run along. He watched as Rodney made his way over to the bed across the infirmary. He saw that the boy's face brightened slightly when Cadman greeted him, but his body language remained that same: tense. He knew that Rodney was struggling with memories of a life that he hadn't lived yet. The Wraith alone were enough to give the boy nightmares. As the doctor walked back to his office, he saw that the Colonel was already there, waiting for him.
"Cadman's still here?" Sheppard inquired as Carson walked up his desk. "It's been a week."
"Aye, I'll be releasing her soon enough, Colonel, but as you already know, she had us all worried for the first couple of days." Carson made his way to his chair and eyed Sheppard for a moment. "Somehow I don't think that you came in here to ask about Laura."
Sheppard smiled at the doctor as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. He was about to answer when a knock on the door interrupted him. Both men looked up to see Zelenka in the doorway. "Excuse me. I came to pick up Rodney. We are almost finished with device. I know Rodney will throw fit if I didn't let him participate in some way."
"I'm sure Rodney would like that," Sheppard replied. Since the accident, he had become Rodney's guardian of sorts. Which he didn't mind at first, but sometimes it felt a little weird. "He's over with Cadman."
"Thank you, Colonel." Zelenka gave a quick nod to the two men before leaving. "Things will be normal soon, I promise." They shared a smile before Zelenka went to get Rodney.
Sheppard turned back to see the doctor still waiting for his response. Seeing how quickly the smile had faded from Carson's face, he knew that the doctor didn't quite share the Czech's optimism as well. "I'm worried about McKay." He stated directly to the point.
"I understand your concern. I guess I'm correct in assuming that you're talking about how he has become more withdrawn." The Colonel nodded. "Has he said anything to you?" Carson secretly hoped that Rodney was talking to someone.
"You know how he can be Doc. He's bottled up so tight, I'm afraid that he's just going to snap any day now. I'm sure you've noticed that he doesn't sleep in the infirmary anymore."
"Aye, I have," Carson commented a little sullenly. Ever since the off-world incident the week before, Rodney refused to stay the night in the infirmary. From what he had heard, Rodney would stay in John's room. Although he had heard that the lad would occasionally sleep in his own quarters under the watchful eye of the Colonel and sometimes Dex.
"He can't sleep without Ronon or me in the room to watch over him, like something's going to happen to him. He's been sleeping on my couch for Christ's sake. And don't even get me started on the nightmares. Just last night, he woke up thinking I was his father or God knows who, it took me an hour to calm him down" Sheppard rubbed his faced as he remembered the terrified look on Rodney's face when he woke up from whatever nightmare he had been having. Rodney started babbling about running and someone coming after him. He could hardly make out the words let alone understand what he talking about.
"He's remembering things, Carson." He continued. "He gets these far off looks sometimes, and I don't think he's remembering the good old times. Yesterday, on the way to the labs he asked why Gaul hadn't been around to see him yet and then clammed up… like he remembered what happened. Since then I haven't been able to get more then a few words out of him. Are you sure that there isn't anything we can do for him?"
"I wish there was something I could do, John. Honestly I really do. But like I told ya before, unless he starts talking to us, I'm afraid we can only be there for him. I explained to ya that the strain of these memories on the mind of a nine year old can could be quite traumatizing." Both men sat in silence after that. Carson had read through most of McKay's file and could only imagine what his friend was going though. Almost everyday, they had a similar conversation where John would ask a question that neither of them could answer.
Sheppard suddenly remembered something that he knew the doctor could answer. "What happened with his sister?"
John startled him with the urgency of the question. "Excuse me?"
"I guessing that large looking file is McKay's right?" Sheppard pointed to the only file on the desk that wasn't in a stack. Carson nodded. "The only thing that Rodney has told me about his memories is that he thinks he hurt Jeanie somehow. Is there any mention of an incident with his sister in there?"
Carson looked that the large file to his left on the desk. He hesitated before answering. "Aye, it does mention something." Carson sighed before continuing, "Everything in this file is confidential, Colonel, and ya bloody well know that." He gave the Colonel a stern look before continuing. "However, given the circumstances that we find ourselves in, I'm willing to make this one exception."
"I understand, Carson, than-"
"I'm only going to tell ya about what happen with Jeanie mind you. The rest ya can find out from McKay when he gets better." Carson nodded to the door;Sheppard took the hint andclosed it. "When Rodney was eleven, his sister called the police on their father and they were taken into the foster care system. From what I gathered in the file, Rodney had greater difficulties then his sister adjusting to their new environment. He fast tracked through school and didn't cause any problems besides the science project that I'm sure you're well aware of." Sheppard allowed himself a small smile as he rememberedwhen Rodney told him about the time he made a 'nonworking' model of a nuclear bomb.
"After that, things started to go downhill it seems," Beckett continued. "His file reported that he became more difficult to handle. When he was sixteen, there was an altercation reported with his sister."
"An altercation," Sheppard repeated, "What the hell does that mean?"
"I'm not sure, Colonel, there wasn't anything specific.The report mentioned that no parties involved wanted to investigate the incident or press charges. After that Rodney started college, leaving the foster system. Besides academically, he didn't make any waves. I don't believe he's really talked to his sister after the incident, from what I remember him telling me. A letter here and there maybe, but nothing of real substance."
Sheppard listened to every word that Carson told him, but his eyes were glued on the file in-between them. "Well, whatever happened, he's tearing himself up for it now."
A knock on the door halted the conversation. The door opened to reveal Nurse Hawkins, Carson smiled at her warmly. "Can I help ya, luv?" Sheppard didn't pay any attention to her beside a quick hello.
"Dr. Beckett I need your help. Cadman seems to think that she can check herself out."
"Bloody hell, I swear that woman is worse than you and Rodney." Carson looked at Sheppard with a mock glare. "Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Rodney was the one who gave her the idea."
"You know that Rodney, always thinking." Sheppard offered weakly not moving from his seat as Carson got up. "I can wait." Carson paused a second, like he wanted to say something, before following the nurse out of his office.
Sheppard waited a good thirty seconds before thinking the door shut and opening Rodney's file. He quickly skimmed through the pages looking for any mention of Jeanie, or anything he could use to help his friend. He stopped however when he came to a picture that made his stomach turn. It was a picture of Rodney, a little older than he was at the moment. What made him sick was the state that Rodney was in. He had a black eye and a spilt lip. His eyes were downcast; Sheppard could see that he was broken. The writing on the bottom of the picture said 'Rodney McKay Age 11'. Attached to the picture, was a medical report, and a letter that was written by Rodney's social worker. He realized that this was why Jeanie had called the police. Better late than never, he thought cynically. Against his better judgment, he read the letter.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner,
I wanted to thank you again for taking in Rodney and Jeanie at such short notice. I was hard pressed finding a couple that would take the two of them together, but I'm almost positive that you've seen the reason for it by now.
I only ask that you be patient with Rodney. From what I've been able to find out, after the unfortunate circumstances of his mother's death, he developed a deep attachment with his sister and a fear to get close with others. This may cause some troubles in the future, but I'm sure that with time he will grow up to do great things.
I'll be coming by to visit next month and look forward to seeing the children.
Ms. Fenton
'Well that's more questions than answers,' Sheppard thought bitterly to himself. He was beginning tonotice that the death ofRodney's mother was a major factor in what has wrong with Rodney; and that Rodney was the only one who could shed any light on this situation. Flipping though the file again, he looked for the dates of any reports on September 27, 1977; the day that his mother died. Not finding anything, he was about to close the file when he found a medical report that was dated two days after her death. The report stated that Rodney was admitted for overnight observation due to head trauma he'd received in a fight. The thing that got him the most was the note at the bottom written by the attending physician. It simply stated that the patient's father requested that Rodney stay for an extra day.
Sheppard realized that he really needed to talk with Rodney. As he stepped out of Carson's office, he saw that the doctor was still talking with Cadman. Sheppard was sure that he wouldn't mind if he left without saying bye.
"Came to look over my shoulder again Colonel?" Zelenka asked good-humoredly as he saw Sheppard walk into the labs. Sheppard smiled as he made a beeline towards the scientist's station.
"Why should I? I'm sure little Rodney is all the motivation you need." Sheppard replied as he walked up to desk. "Where is the little guy?" He asked when he noticed that Rodney wasn't with the Czech. He couldn't help the feeling of panic that started to stir inside his gut.
Zelenka looked around the labs briefly, "Miko was showing him what everyone was working on. He should be around." He stopped looking when he noticed the tense stance of the Colonel and added, "Rodney is fine. What's the worst that could happen?"
Sheppard stared dumbfounded at the scientist. "You do remember how this whole thing started, right?"
"And we are fixing problem!" The Czech retorted. "Two days and Rodney is good as new. Tomorrow morning we start testing. This is good."
Sheppard relaxed a bit, "not so good for Carson's mice though." The two men shared a small laugh, both knowing just how serious the situation really was. Their banter was interrupted however, by a startled cry from across the room.
Everyone in the labs turned to see Rodney fall backwards and knock into the desk behind him. Kavanaugh was half turned towards Rodney; his elbow extended out behind him. No one moved at first. Sheppard and Zelenka were stunned, wondering if what they just saw really happened. Kavanaugh looked as startled as everyone else at first, but he quickly recovered. "I told you not to stand so close!" He shouted causing Rodney to flinch back and Sheppard to spring into action.
Sheppard was at Rodney's side in seconds. "You okay Rodney?" He asked quickly before turning his anger towards the source of his fury. "What the hell is your problem Kavanaugh!"
"It was an accident. He was hovering and I brushed him with my elbow." He responded. Sheppard wasn't listening though. He had turned to get a good look at his friend and he had to stop himself from jumping the scientist.
Blood was flowing freely from Rodney's nose as he sat on the floor, watching the two men interact with panic filled eyes. "I got in the way, it's my fault really. I should have known better."
Kavanaugh was about to say something in agreeance when Sheppard shot him a death glare. "If you keep talking, Kavanaugh, I swear you won't be walking out of this room." Kavanaugh huffed for a moment, but kept quiet. The Colonel quickly took control of the situation telling Zelenka to inform Beckett of what had happened and to take care of Kavanaugh.
"Let's go Rodney." Sheppard stood up and reached down to help Rodney up, but the boy didn't move. "Hey Rodney," he repeated. Rodney just looked up at him blankly. Sheppard grabbed under his forearm and tugged him into a standing position.
Zelenka was standing next to them holding a handful of tissues. "For the blood," he said to the boy, but Rodney continued to stare with his darkened eyes. He seemed unaware of what has happening
"Jesus Rodney," Sheppard whispered taking the tissue and wiping the blood slightly before grabbing Rodney's hand. "Hold this and tilt your head back." Rodney complied with little resistance. Taking one last hard look at Kavanaugh, Sheppard guided Rodney out of the lab.
It was a longest trip Sheppard had every taken to the infirmary. Halfway there, Sheppard had removed his hand to radio Carson. It took him a moment to realize that Rodney had stopped moving. He looked back to see him standing in the middle of the hallway, halfheartedly holding a bloody tissue to his nose. His eyes were dark, staring out blankly. Sheppard doubted that the boy really knew what was going on around him at the moment. He quickly told Carson that it might take a while to get to the infirmary before he turned back to his friend. "Come on Rodney, we need to get you to Carson." Sheppard said as he walked up to the boy. Once again he put a hand on his friend's shoulder, but this time Rodney recoiled slightly. The boy's whole body was tense and on edge. "Hey, buddy. I'm not going to hurt you." He said softly. He'd realized that Rodney wouldn't move without someone pulling him forward, so he gave him a gentle pull tofollow.
Rodney looked up at Sheppard, but didn't say anything. John was slowly beginning to understand what was happening. Rodney was shutting down; protecting himself for the next blow that he thought was coming. He knew that he had to do something. He took on quick look around and then quickly steered Rodney into an almost empty supply room. Sheppard pick Rodney up, ignoring the way the boy tensed, and placed him on one of the crates. "Talk to me, Rodney," he said and he knelt in front of the boy. Rodney just continued to stare blankly at him over the tissue. He had to stop himself from sighing in frustration as he checked the boy's nose. It had stopped bleeding so he figured that Beckett could wait a few minutes. "I know that you're scared, but you don't have to be. No one is going to hurt you, not like your father." Sheppard noticed that Rodney stiffened at mention of his father; it was a start. "You're shutting everybody out, and I know that you're smart enough to see that this strategy isn't working. So please talk to me; yell, kick, scream, anything! Just don't shut me out Rodney."
Rodney still didn't answer but he was looking him like he actually saw him. Sheppard was about to give up, when he heard Rodney mutter something that sounded like 'this sucks." He waited for him to continue, but nothing followed.
"If you're not going to talk to me Rodney, then I'm going to ask questions and you're going to answer, alright?"
Rodney nodded feebly.
"Rodney, I wanted to ask you something about you mother?" The boy's face paled and he quickly looked away from the Colonel. "I saw a little of your file, and realized that, for you, your mother died… a couple of weeks ago and…."
"So, what was your question?" Sheppard was startled by the harsh edge of Rodney's quiet voice.
"Are you ok? I mean, your mother just died." He didn't respond or even look up at Sheppard, but it seemed like something had changed in Rodney. His body language was almost defensive. "I remember I cried for almost a week when my mother died. I don't even think I really left the house for a month."
"I don't deserve to cry," he whispered so softly that Sheppard almost didn't hear it.
At first, he didn't respond because Sheppard honestly didn't know what to say. "That's not true, Rodney. No matter what anyone says…" He watched as Rodney's expression changed to one that looked like guilt, his eyes full of unshed tears. Something was off about this entire situation. "What's wrong Rodney?"
"What do you want me to say?" He looked at Sheppard with tear-filled eyes. "That I think about my mother all the time. How about the fact that I never got to say goodbye! Or even better, that my father blames me for her being dead and that he might be right!" Rodney yelled at John, tears falling silently down his face. John was about to say something when he continued. "I didn't even get to go to mom's funeral! He got so mad that when he stopped hitting me, he had to take me to the hospital. He told them that I felt so guilty about what happened that I got into a fight with some kids. She died because of me and I couldn't even say goodbye. He didn't want me to go, so he left me at the hospital." John reached out to him but was pushed back. "DON'T TOUCH ME!"
"God Rodney, it wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was! I ran out of the house. She was looking for me. She went out looking for me and she got hit…" Rodney couldn't complete the sentence. His shoulders shook as he sobbed silently.
"Rodney, you can't hold yourself responsible for what happens to other people. You have no control over that. What happened to your mother was an accident." It was those words that seemed to break Rodney. Sheppard reached out to Rodney again. This time he didn't resist. He let out a cry and collapsed forward sobbing into Sheppard's vest. Slowly the Colonel wrapped his arms around the crying boy.
Sheppard let Rodney cry, until the tears stopped and he was holding a silent shaking mass. "I miss her," he whimpered. Sheppard didn't respond. He just tightened his grip and lifted Rodney into his arms.
"Let's get you to Carson before they send out a search party, alright?" Sheppard barely heard the muffled response coming from his shoulder. Without another word, he carried Rodney out of the storage room and to the infirmary. The rest of the trip would have been completely uneventful, if it wasn't for the fact that Rodney tightened his grip on Sheppard's vest every time someone passed them. By the time they finally reached the infirmary, Sheppard was hoping that Rodney's father was dead; because if the man wasn't, he was going to kill him.
Carson was waiting for them when they reached the infirmary. The doctor waited until the Colonel placed the boy on the bed and sat down next to him, before he said anything. He didn't fail to notice the way Rodney kept one hand attached to Sheppard at all times. "So Zelenka tells me that you had an accident in the labs. Can ya tell me what happened lad?" Carson gave Sheppard a brief look when he didn't get a response. He carefully examined Rodney's nose and face for any serious damage; wiping away the blood that remained on his face. He didn't like the way Rodney shied away from his touch, or his eerie silence. "Well, the bleeding has stopped. The good news is that I don't think it's broken. From what I was told, you hit your head as well?"
"He knocked into a desk when he fell," Sheppard responded when Rodney didn't.
"Well, I'll get you something for that in a moment, Rodney." Carson said as he straightened up. He turned to the Colonel next, "but first Sheppard, Weir wanted you to report to her as soon as you came in. Also, I wanted to talk to you about a certain file that I found left open on my desk." Sheppard silently cursed at getting caught, but knew that there was nothing he could do about it at the moment.
"I'll talk to Weir after you get the aspirin, and I'm sure that the other discussion can wait." Carson was about to tell him that Weir wanted his report ASAP, when someone else interrupted.
"I'll watch him." Both men almost jumped when they heard Ronon's low voice.
"Jesus, Ronon, what did I tell you about sneaking up on people." Sheppard exclaimed. He was surprised that Rodney didn't react, but realized he must have seen him coming when they were talking. Ronon just shrugged. Knowing that Rodney would be fine in Ronon's hands and the fact that Weir didn't like being in the dark for long, Sheppard slowly got up from the gurney. "I'll be back in a second, Rodney." Sheppard waited until he nodded weakly before turning back to Ronon. "Stay here and watch him." He ordered
Ronon responded by sitting down on the gurney across from Rodney. After a moment, Beckett and Sheppard left with a swift goodbye.
They sat in silence for a good three minutes; Ronon looking at Rodney and Rodney looking at the wall. "You want to talk about it?" Ronon asked as he shifted to get a better look at the boy's developing black eye.
Rodney turned to glare at him. "No," he snapped back, before looking anywhere except at the runner.
"Then what are you are going to do?" He asked simply, bringing the boy's attention back to Ronon.
He paused a moment before responding softly, "I hate Kavanaugh. Even as an adult, I know that I hate him. I also know that they're going to fix me soon, so if I ever wanted to get back at him for all the crap he's pulled, without any major repercussion…" He didn't finish his thought however, since Rodney knew that he'd never be allowed the opportunity. He sat quietly looking down at the floor.
"Unless…"
He let out a sigh. "Let me leave," he asked without looking up. No one could say that he didn't try.
Ronon grinned widely. "The Colonel told me to stay here and watch you, McKay." And as if to prove a point, he moved to sit down in the chair next to the bed.
Rodney was about to protest, when he realized what the Satedan meant. He was about to thank Ronon, when the man stopped him, telling him that he shouldn't thank him yet. Rodney looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to them. Ronon watched the boy pick up a couple of things from the table by the bed, before stealing out the room. He made himself comfortably in the chair next to the bed. It took him about another five minutes to come to the realization that Sheppard was going to be pissed.
Almost as if on cue, Sheppard walked out from Beckett's office to find Ronon sitting by an empty bed. "Where the hell is Rodney?" He almost screamed. "I told you to watch him."
Ronon stood up, masking his smile. "I did," was his only response.
"Then where is he?" The Colonel stressed each word carefully.
"I watched him take a right out the door." Ronon answered plainly. "Rodney mentioned something about getting back at Kavanaugh." He added, when he realized that a pissed Sheppard wasn't as funny as he thought it would be.
Sheppard was shocked for a moment, but quickly recovered. "I'll deal with you later, Ronon." He was out the door before the man could respond; and he was halfway to the labs, when he got the call from Elizabeth.