A crack in forever by Roo

Part 3

Jack sat in his truck in the parking lot at the SGC. He'd been let out for good behaviour. To tell the truth he always enjoyed the sparring with Doctor Fraiser. The old 'I'm fine' 'no you're not' routine. Push and shove. She always told him what his injuries were, and what she was doing. And he tried to be honest with her. She'd gotten wise to his method of blocking out pain, knowing his reasons for avoiding overuse of pain meds. She knew how to read him, and how much he could get away with. They'd both taken a leap of faith and trust from the beginning when SG1 had become infected with the Broca virus.

For her, he'd played the good patient this time round. It didn't seem right to take his physical and emotional pain out on the staff. Her staff….

So here he was, sat in his truck. He had his wish, he could go home. But just for once he'd give almost anything to be back in the infirmary, to hear her bantering voice. She'd probably have visited later on some pretext or other, 'just checking' she called it. Mother henning more like, but he was still in a lot of discomfort and she would have been right, as usual.

Today's service and ceremony had been every bit as rough as he expected. Numbing reminders that they'd done all this for Daniel twice and he'd still made it back like some cosmic elastic band. Janet wasn't coming back. Ever. Like Charlie. Like Frank. Like Kowalski. Shit. So many names.

They'd all coped with Cassie, who was trying so hard to be adult, when all Jack could see was a small child who'd lost her mother again. But Janet would have been so proud of her today. Janet had done a fantastic job in bringing her up, given her work schedule and commitment to the SGC. He knew from experience how hard that was, not always being there for school events or parties.

It had been rough dealing with team mates who hurt for their friend and co- worker and had momentarily thought he'd been killed too. Carter had taken it all pretty hard; Janet was her best friend, and she was Aunt-older sister, body and soul to Cassie. The hug he'd given Carter was as much for him as to comfort her.

A tap on his window made him jump, pain flared up his torso and back.

"Jack you ok?" mouthed Daniel, standing outside the truck.

"Fine." said Jack winding the window down.

"It's just that you signed out ten minutes ago, and you're still here and I can't get my car to start… so could you drop me off…?" rambled Daniel.

Jack blinked; his hands were clenched on the steering wheel. He hadn't even turned the key.

"Sure." and he awkwardly leant over to open the other door. God, what was he thinking, Daniel must be pretty shaken up too. He'd been right there after all. Daniel had gone to ground, while Jack had been in the Infirmary. They'd pulled themselves together to get through this day.

Jack was tired emotionally and physically. They'd had the flag ceremony today at the SGC. He hurt so much, but he shoved it in the usual box. It was right to honour fallen comrades. And it was right that they should honour all the lives that she had saved. But like a small child he wanted to wail 'it's not fair!' The SGC still needed her, Cassie still needed her.

It could have been Daniel … dead again, and probably no glowy 'get out of death free' card this time.

"Jack? I'd kind of like to go home." prompted Daniel. Jack hadn't heard him get in and shut the door. He was still sitting there with his hands on the wheel.

"Oh, right." and he started the truck and drove slowly out of the complex and down the twisting road to home.

Daniel was talking about his finds, and some new computer analysis. Why was he doing that? Trying to act normal wasn't going to work for long. Keeping it all in and non-stop work was a sure fire way for Daniel to keel over with exhaustion in the very near future.

It suddenly struck Jack that Daniel usually vented his feelings openly, while he tended to carry on as normal, dealing with the side effects later in some dark private corner with a punch bag or drink or two. Somewhere along the line they had changed places. Daniel wasn't saying much about anything to anyone. And Jack, well he was walking and talking, but there was this enormous, heavy weight pressing down on him. It led to moments of inertia and paralysis - such as sitting in his car for ten minutes staring at nothing. The shock of death and close calls will do that to you.

Jack made a decision to hijack his friend for his own good. Maybe they could help each other.

Suddenly Jack was home, parked in his driveway. He'd 'forgotten' to go Daniel's way, and he couldn't face the trek to the other side of town now anyway. He had no recollection of getting here, or if Daniel had spoken. A potentially dangerous auto pilot routine, Jack suddenly realised, as he turned the engine off. He'd lost time again.

"Jack why we are here?" asked Daniel.

'You're with me. I'm not letting you go home alone. "

"Jack I'm fine. I just…"

"'Stop it." ordered Jack.

"Wha?"

"Just get out of the damn car Daniel. I'm too tired to argue." Jack stiffly got out and locked the truck. Silently they walked to the front door.

Once inside Jack gingerly shed his jacket, putting it on the back of the sofa. Daniel trailed in behind him all pretence gone. It crossed Jack's mind that perhaps Daniel was making sure that he was alright by cadging the lift. He must have noticed that Jack hadn't gone his route home, and hadn't said a word.

"I'm not having beer if that's what you're thinking." began Daniel.

"Nope, I've got something better than that. Works every time. Trust me." Jack should know, he'd climbed inside a bottle or two in the past.

"You don't have to do this. I'm ok, it's ok…" said Daniel like a broken record.

"It's not ok Daniel! It never will be. Don't push it away. It's my job to do this. If not me then who? McKenzie? Huh?" said Jack fiercely, pinning Daniel with a glare.

"But I feel so bad about the camera…"

"You did nothing wrong in taping it. Stuff happens. You did good Daniel."

"No! I couldn't save her!" shouted Daniel.

"Nobody could have Daniel." stated Jack calmly, as he got a bottle of Jack Daniels from a cupboard. He knew that for a fact. He'd got Dr Warner to explain the autopsy findings in English. Just so he knew for sure. Janet hadn't suffered and there was nothing Daniel could have done. He could deal with that. The problem was getting Daniel to deal with it.

Daniel went ahead to the kitchen.

"But you did try, and for that I'm proud of you. She wanted to be there, she had every right to be there. It was her job, just like it's our job." said Jack plainly.

"It could have been you Jack." insisted Daniel.

"But it wasn't! It could have been you- again. And that would have been really hard to deal with you know? Third time's the charm? I don't think so." said Jack bitterly.

Daniel absorbed the words, knowing that it would be the closest thing Jack would ever say about his dying after the Kelownian radiation and asking Jack to let him go so that he could ascend.

"If only Oma….That's what I can't understand Jack! I mean why me, and not her? Why Skarra and not Janet? It goes round and round and round in my head, I don't know how to deal with it like this!" cried Daniel still thinking about Oma and ascending.

"People die Daniel! I don't know why 'not' Janet, I don't have all the answers! We can't expect Oma to do whatever it is she does, all the time. We don't even know why she does it in the first place. You offered it to me once, and I didn't want to do that. She didn't step in then, or when I got fried the other day." replied Jack.

"Well, we all thought we'd lost you the other day! Sam and Teal'c thought so for a while." said Daniel angrily. He stood at the counter staring at the sink.

"Get some glasses while you're over there will ya." said Jack from the lounge. After a moment Jack joined Daniel in the kitchen. Eating was not an option, he decided. He certainly didn't feel like it. Having a drink or many drinks was another matter entirely.

"Have some of this." he said as he filled the two glasses Daniel put on the counter top.

"No."

"Drink it!" ordered Jack.

"You should eat something; you need to take some medication," urged Daniel.

"Forget the bloody pills Daniel! I don't want to eat." said Jack angrily, his tiredness making him lash out.

"You know what Janet's rules are…." began Daniel and then he stopped still. He turned around to face Jack. He grabbed at the whisky and gulped some.

"Oh god I'm so sorry." said Daniel,

"For what?"

"Everything! This is such a mess. We should all be with Cassie tonight. But I can't face her. I don't know how I made it through today. She said she was glad I was there ….when ….Janet…" He gulped more drink, choked slightly and sliding down the cabinet door, sank slowly to the floor. He put the glass down and hugged his knees.

Jack understood what Daniel was going through. Cassie would have been glad it was anyone from SG1 or a team she knew. Just so long as someone had been there with Janet. It didn't make it any easier to be that someone. Daniel was wrong about one thing though, tonight Cassie needed Carter. The guys could do their bit another time, another day, and each and every day if that's what it took.

He remembered waking up in the Infirmary, some hours after the General had gone, and found Cassie sitting next to his bed. When she saw that he was awake, she loosened her grip on his non IV'd hand to carefully hug him. He could see that she'd been crying.

"Hey, Boss man." she said softly.

"Cassie,"

"I thought you were dead too!" she said brokenly into his ear, as he carefully wrapped an arm round her.

"Not dead yet, too mean to die! I'm fine, Cass really. I'm okay."

"I had to see you for myself. Do you understand? I had to!" she said urgently.

"I do. Shhh, it'll be okay. We're all here. We won't let you go." he soothed, knowing it wouldn't be okay for a long time to come, but she still needed to hear the words.

Jack sighed; he could see no alternative than to sit next to Daniel on the kitchen floor. The physical pain was transitory, the other worldly mental pain would take a lifetime to ebb away. He should know he'd been there before. And so had Daniel with Sha're. Ain't life a bitch?

"Don't!" said Daniel suddenly.

"Don't what?"

"Sit, here on the floor- your back, ribs…"

"Screw it Daniel. I'm not leaving you. Why should I? We're a team. Besides this is my house, I can sit where I like. "

There was a long silence, Jack waited for Daniel to say something in his own good time. He could be patient. Daniel drank some more and then cleared his throat.

"Airman Wells thought he was going to die. Janet told him he'd be okay. His wife… the baby…he wanted…. I knew Janet could fix him. We tried so hard to tell him, he didn't believe us! That's why I had the damn camera on! For his last message to his wife and unborn baby! I didn't see where it came from. One minute we were fixing bandages and getting a line, and then there was this... whoomph… and then she was….and I called for the medics…." babbled Daniel desperately.

"Let it out Daniel." soothed Jack.

"I don't think they heard, but I shouted, really shouted." said Daniel his voice rough.

"I heard. I saw Daniel. You did everything you could." said Jack as he placed a hand on Daniel's shoulder.

"She's dead Jack."

"I know."

"She's dead Jack!"

"I know buddy."