Written: 3-20-2006

A/n: This a collection of oneshots that contain too much crack to be taken seriously. These first two oneshots were written for my friend Numisma's Livejournal spampost, in which we spam that post as much as we can. I did with this, posting the story one comment at a time. If you think it's choppy, that's why. They also contains such errors of judgement as characters aware that they are in fics, mockery of certain fanfic conventions, and mockery of the author herself, with things that might even be taken as self-insert. Crime!

Ah yes, and if you have a problem with boy-boy pairings, whether serious or not, hit the back button.

I'll most likely post more crack-spam-oneshots as I write them. They aren't continuous, each will be a standalone. Although by chance, the first and second parts are loosely related.

Disclaimer: Inuyasha wears pink underwear like a real man should.

Misled I: Miroku and Sesshoumaru

Miroku scratched his head in bewilderment.

"So," he began slowly. "So apparently he was being literal when he said 'I'll make your sword bigger'."

Pausing, Miroku considered. "No wonder I saw you here," he remarked. "I didn't think you had to worry about things like that."

Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow, and Miroku resisted the urge to step back. "Worry about what things?" he asked.

Miroku opened his mouth, but he decided that he cherished his organs more than the satisfaction a snide comment would bring to him. "Nothing," he replied. Clearing his throat, Miroku speedily and grandly Changed The Subject.

"So why are you coming to this swords expert instead of Toutousai?" he asked.

A clang of metal zinged through the space between them before Sesshoumaru could answer. A moan echoed from the cave they stood before, which the Writer had forgotten to mention. Silly her.

They both glanced briefly at the shadowy cave opening.

"Toutousai claimed to have 'scheduling problems,' which was most unusual of him to declare," Sesshoumaru remarked. "He didn't even change his mind when I pointed my sword at him."

"Pointed your sword at him..." Miroku echoed, allowing the Writer to reuse the verb "echo."

Sesshoumaru nodded gravely. "So I was forced to answer this ridiculous ad, for my sword really does need repair," he continued. He held up the ad, where a sloppily painted girl of modest attire grinned out, leaning on an unsheathed sword and, according to the messy word bubble beside her head, proclaiming, "I'll take any sword you've got, any size..."

Admiring the artwork, Miroku wondered, "Which sword are you bringing in?"

"That is not important to the plot of this equally ridiculous spamfic," Sesshoumaru snapped.

"Okay, I understand," Miroku said, lying through his teeth.

Another clash of metal, accompanied with another moan. Perhaps Miroku was just imagining it, but that moan seemed pretty feminine to him. Then the sound of a heaving chest, as though its owner could not believe his eyes.

Sesshoumaru and Miroku looked at the cave opening, the latter with more eagerness than the prior.

A man stumbled out of the cave.

Miroku scrambled out of the way of his wild steps.

Sesshoumaru stayed put.

As a result, the stumbling man bumped into Sesshoumaru, unintentionally getting cold sweat on the silk of his clothes in the process.

Sesshoumaru looked down at him and Glared.

Giggling nervously, the man held up his hands, which clutched the hilt of a rather long, gleaming sword. In fact, the sword went as high as the man's shoulders. It was a wonder that he didn't slice Sesshoumaru's robes. Dazed, the man swayed in his feet and shakingly held up the sword before the two. "It's... so... long!" he cried. "Perfection!" he howled.

Laughing with tears in his eyes, the man falled forward, caught himself, and then ran away. The readers promptly forget about him.

Sesshoumaru stared at the sweat stains ruefully.

"My, my," Miroku commented, watching after the man's track. "That is a mighty big sword."

"Indeed," Sesshoumaru replied.

Miroku sighed. "And I was hoping he'd improve my... um, nevermind."

"Improve your libido?" Sesshoumaru suggested.

Gasping at the sudden turn of explicity, Miroku said, "Wah?"

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes and peered into the cave. Another maybe-feminine-maybe-not moan echoed. "I am more familiar with sexual innuendo than you secondary characters assume," he sniffed.

Miroku was offended. "Hey, I'm not-"

"Yet I, clearly the less sex-starved character of us two," Sesshoumaru continued.

"-a secondary character and I know I get more-"

"Saw this ad for what it really is, a swords blacksmith," Sesshoumaru concluded. "Not," he added," some sort of libido reenergizer."

Miroku gawked.

"Why, I'm insulted!" he yelled. His staff jangled. "How dare you suggest that my libido needs reenergizing," he shouted. "I am very youthful you know! Hell of a lot more youthful than you. And I think I can get along quite nicely without outside help!" Miroku finished.

Fingering the hilt of his unspecified sword, Sesshoumaru set his mouth and stared.

Miroku set his staff into the ground and stared back.

Sesshoumaru just got a little blanker.

After a few minutes of Constant Staring, Miroku coughed. "Well, hey," he remarked. "You're not killing me. Yay."

Sesshoumaru shrugged.

"I am here to improve my sword," Sesshoumaru said.

"It would be no good to get blood on it beforehand, while I'm waiting my turn."

"Oh," Miroku said.

"What."

"I think you meant to end your sentence with a question mark," Miroku said helpfully.

"No."

"But you said 'what?' in reply to my 'oh'," Miroku wheedled.

"This Sesshoumaru only speaks in statements, hence the period," Sesshoumaru replied.

"And apparently you've decided to stop using pronouns too," Miroku commented. "Well, anyway, why'd you say 'what'?"

"To find out what your lowly human self said 'oh' for."

"Oh." Miroku deflated.

"This Sesshoumaru commands you cease your redundant repetition."

"Wow, you really have stopped with the first person pronouns," Miroku sighed.

"Just explain yourself, houshi," Sesshoumaru commanded, deciding to slip into Japanese despite the English writing.

"Well..." Miroku began. "It's just that... I wondered why you kept standing here, next to me, talking with me, like you actually tolerate my lowly, human presence. For a moment, I thought you stayed because you actually... liked me."

Miroku blushed to an uncanonly degree.

"But," he continued, "You're just here to wait your turn to get your sword fixed, not to talk to me, or... anything like that."

Miroku sniffed pathetically.

Sesshoumaru commenced Staring.

"Well, I'm not surprised," he replied. "Everyone's always expecting something from good ol' Sesshoumaru-sama. First Inuyasha, then Jaken, then Rin, then Kagura, then that random peasant Tenseiga told me to revive, then that random chick who wanted to do me that one night, then you..."

"Well," Miroku sobbed. "At least one of us is trying to maintain an alternate pairing!"

"Oh, this is an alternate pairing fic?" Sesshoumaru said, looking around.

"You didn't even notice!" Miroku cried. "But at least you're using question marks again!"

Sesshoumaru shrugged. "Oh well. The Writer did a terrible job at indicating it." The Writer curled into a ball and sobbed with Miroku.

Miroku blinked through Big, Shining Eyes.

"Does... does this mean...?" he gasped.

"Kinky interspecies boy sex? Eh, the wait is taking too long. Why not."

Miroku opened his arms.

"Just as long as you stop acting out of character," Sesshoumaru added, unbuckling his sword.

"Want me to feel up your ass?" Miroku suggested.

"Yeah yeah, whatever gets you off and keeps you in character at the same time," Sesshoumaru complied.

And they had much kinky sex on the forest floor outside the cave.

Eventually the swordsmith walked out and tripped over them. He eventually sued the Writer.

The Writer decided to stop typing and promptly ended the spamfic before the lawsuit could finish.

THE END