Author's Notes: Again, I don't own 'Rent' or Harry Potter. They are property of Jonathan Larson and J.K. Rowling, respectedly. And with this particular chapter, I'd totally like to apologize to them. I'd like to apologize to Mr. Larson for destroying his beautiful songs, and to Mrs. Rowling for destroying her beautiful characters. This is what happens when you let me play around with Rent and Harry Potter together, okay?
I'd also truly, deeply, like to apologize to Sirius. I'm sorry! I hate to do this to you. And I should apologize to Angel for stealing some of her clothes. We know they only look good on her. ;)
Oh, something else I don't own is "eegoos". It's some word that my brother made up, so I borrowed it because I thought it'd make a nice name for a weird magical creature.
A bit of a longer chapter this time, because I can't just post this like a script which means I have to be literary and write stuff! Also, as you'll see, there was something that really needed explaining. But I really don't like having to write in stuff that's not part of the songs.
And speaking of songs, in this update we have "Owl #2" ("Voicemail #2), "And Now 4 U" ("Today 4 U"), "You Suck" ("You'll See"), and "Textbook: Hermy"("Tango:Maureen")
Enjoy and don't kill me.
Even with the help of Wolfsbane, full moons often passed by with Lupin only remembering the slightest flashes of what had gone on, and so hours later he found himself lying somewhere warm, and on something comfortable and squashy. Though awake, he kept his eyes closed, because it was now that all the muscle aching and stings from cuts really started to set in, and hurt.
He'd had quite an odd dream last night. He'd dreamt that he'd been on the street and had come across a shaggy black dog that really looked an awful lot like Sirius's Animagus form. How strange.
To be honest, Lupin really didn't know where he was right now. Maybe in some new apartment. Or at Harry and Ron's. At the moment, he was trying to savor the last few moments he had of just lying there before having to get up and return to business. He gave a groan.
It was then that Lupin heard the soft sound of footsteps on a wood floor, and then another second, a voice was saying, "Er… Remus? Are you awake?"
Great. The dog. Padfoot, he'd called himself, right? Yes, another uncanny aspect that made Lupin think of Sirius. Lately he'd learned to get over it, since everything had been reminding him of Sirius since his death. Well, whatever that dog wanted, he really didn't understand now. Because as far as Lupin knew, at the moment he was back to being a human. Though hadn't the dog said something about that last night? Let's see… human… something about being human… on the outside? Hmm…
"Yeah…" Lupin mumbled. "I don't know what you want, though…"
"Okay… Remus," Padfoot said, and he spoke slowly, tentatively. "Before you open your eyes, I need you to just… to just not scream or make any sudden movements, okay? For the most part you're a reserved man. So, don't be rash."
"Okay," Lupin mumbled, still not seeing the point of this, or how Padfoot could even guess that he was reserved. God, his eyelids were heavy. Okay. And… open.
And when Lupin opened his eyes, he was looking at not the shaggy black dog, but a man. Another familiarity crept up too: he looked exactly like Sirius Black. The sort of way Sirius might look if he hadn't died…
Lupin's first reaction, he realized, was a large gape in his mouth, and his eyes wide, shortly followed by a blurt of, "What the hell?" His eyes darted. "Okay. This is ridiculous now. It's not even possible. But if you're that dog, then so far you've been making me think exactly of an old friend of mine, and I have no idea what joke is going on, but—"
"Shhh," Padfoot said, pressing a finger to his lips. "Look, Remus. Moony. You're not going to believe this, and I'm still having trouble believing it myself, but… it's me. Sirius. Padfoot. Sirius Black. One of your best friends. Marauders. Me."
"Sirius?" Lupin practically screamed automatically.
"Shhhh!" Sirius snapped, throwing his hand over Lupin's mouth. "Not so loud!"
Well, if he was Sirius, this was new. Actually caring about how loud people were. And yet, it still didn't make sense. Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Sure. Let's say you're Sirius. And why should I believe you?"
"Because I am!" Sirius said, looking as though he really hoped Lupin would believe him. "My old house was the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix. And at school, me and James called Snape by the name of 'Snivellus'. And I still do, as a matter of fact. And that little rat Peter surprised us all in fourth year when he got a date with some blonde chick. And James finally started dating Lily in seventh year, after all the times we had to set them up. And you didn't even go out with anyone until the end of sixth year. Whereas I dated a very long list of girls while at Hogwarts, many of whom I've realized how stupid the relationship was, but the list went like this: Emmeline and Anna and Saffron and Lita and Hestia and Phinona—"
"Oh my God, I think it is you," Lupin interrupted, remembering the long list of girlfriends Sirius had often recited. Whether it had been to show off or just so that he could keep track of them, he really didn't know.
Lupin was still struggling with the concept of Sirius returning. "All right. So we've established that it's really you. Next question: how and why are you back? Where did you go?"
Sirius cocked his head. "I don't really know. It was kind of like a… I don't know how to describe it. Maybe a bit like a hotel for dead people. But it was a blast; it was like a party every day. And the thing was, it turned out that everyone who was there, had actually died, if you know what I mean. When they found out that I was there because I fell through a piece of drapery, everyone just laughed, and then they voted me out. So now I'm back. But you can't tell anyone. I mean, I'm glad to be back, but I really can't have anyone knowing, or else I'll just be caught by the Ministry and off my head will go, and back to the dead people place I'll be."
Lupin was just staring at him, still processing this information. However, there was one piece at the end he knew he could address. "Um… Sirius?"
"Yeah, Remus?"
"You do know that the Ministry realized you were innocent, don't you?"
Sirius was quiet for a few seconds, before his face slowly became furious, and he exploded, "What?" It appeared that he had forgotten all thought of keeping silent, because he was yelling, "When did this happen?"
"Oh, it happened not many weeks after you… went behind the curtain," Lupin answered. "I'm not really sure how they figured out, but Dumbledore just mentioned it to the Order one night. Fudge didn't announce it publicly or anything, he didn't want the wizarding world to realize how he'd blundered once again."
"Damn!" raged Sirius. "If I'd known that I wouldn't have to be… though maybe I still would…" His face was falling.
Lupin studied his friend. "What's wrong?"
It took Sirius a few seconds before answering. "Oh, nothing, nothing. Look. We've got to clean you up. I'm no Madam Pomfrey, of course, but I think I'm still pretty good. And then you've got to eat. And tell me what I've missed."
"You'll have to come with me to see Harry and Ron later," Lupin told him, smiling. "I bet they can't wait to see you. It'll be shocking, and I guess we'll have to keep it secret somehow, but I'm sure after we explain this whole thing, it'll be fine." He noticed Sirius still looking worried, and added, "You know, Wolfsbane has really improved in the last few years. I'll be fine enough to get up and get outside the house." But Sirius was still looking upset. "Sirius, what's the matter?"
Sirius walked over toward the kitchen area and started pulling out some food. He conjured up a small table in front of the couch, and set it up in front of Lupin. "You eat," he said. "And then… there's something I should tell you."
---
Over at the Leaky Cauldron, Mr. Lovegood was having a morning coffee before he left to go on another safari trip to scout out some exotic and unseen animals. He'd run into Augusta Longbottom and her grandson, Neville. They were both very nice people, but Mr. Lovegood was now beginning to get annoyed with Augusta. She wouldn't go away, and he really needed to call Luna and say he was going. And once he'd brought that up, Augusta had begun forcefully suggesting that his Luna might date Neville. At this time, Neville had turned a pink color and muttered something about needing to be excused to use the restroom.
The Leaky Cauldron had adapted to some Muggle technology: the telephone. Mr. Lovegood knew that Luna was now dating Hermione, a Muggleborn, and so he knew that they'd have a telephone at their home, which Mr. Lovegood found very convenient because he didn't have an owl on him.
He dialed the number to Luna and Hermione's apartment, but no one picked up. Instead, he got their answering machine message.
"Hi. You've reached Hermione and Luna!" greeted Hermione on the answering machine. "Leave a message, and don't forget 'Cleaning the House'— My performance, protesting the unjust and entirely iniquitous conditions house-elves are forced to suffer through in their lives as subjugated slaves to the cruel masters they compulsorily made to obey! Tomorrow at ten p.m. in the empty square at Hogsmeade. Gathering in the Three Broomsticks to follow."
Interesting, Mr. Lovegood thought. Sounds like that spew thing Neville mentioned…
BEEP!, the answering machine then sounded. Mr. Lovegood began to record his message.
"Well, Luna, I'm off
I asked that nice boy, Neville
And he said that you've been spewing or something."
"Remind her that my grandson Neville Longbottom
Makes a fine companion too!" interrupted Grandmother Longbottom. Mr. Lovegood just gave a vague smile and scooted away some, wondering if she even realized how rude it was to interrupt people's calls. He went on.
"Check the house for my itinerary
Or owl me back, dear
Or you can try this telephone thing in a pinch
I'm taking pictures of Eegoos
Unless it turns out they don't exist."
"My grandson!" Grandmother Longbottom rudely interrupted again.
Mr. Lovegood gave a sigh, and then said,
"Oh, fine—Luna
Neville's grandma wants you to date her grandson
I told her you can't, but she's deaf"
Augusta Longbottom gasped loudly and looked at him fiercely. "Mister!"
"You hear that?" Mr. Lovegood asked Luna in the phone, although he wasn't speaking with her right now.
"This is not her call
And she's here bothering me!"
"I am not!" Augusta Longbottom protested.
"For daddy's sake, Luna
Maybe tell Neville 'hi'
I don't know why
Oh, and Luna
Save the Snorkacks!"
"Date Neville!" Grandmother Longbottom managed to yell into the phone before Mr. Lovegood hung up.
"Do you mind?" he asked her.
"What?" she asked. "I thought they'd be a cute couple."
---
Food was delicious. And chocolate chip pancakes were ingenious. Sirius had provided a very nice variety of food for Lupin, and so far Lupin had eaten chocolate chip pancakes, buttered toast, some sausage, and some bacon. As he ate, he realized how starved he'd been, and for the first few minutes of the meal, he wolfed it down hungrily.
Since he'd begun eating, Sirius had not been around. Half an hour had passed now, and Lupin began to get worried. "Sirius? Where are you? Are you all right?"
"Fine, Remus!" he heard Sirius's voice answer him, somewhere else in the apartment. "I'm just…er… you keep eating, okay?"
"I'm just about done, Sirius," he called. "It's delicious. Thanks for the pancakes. But I don't understand why you don't come and have some too."
"Oh, you're welcome!" Sirius said, though sounding preoccupied. "What's that, you're done eating? Well… maybe that's good. Because it'd kind of stink if you barfed. Yeah. Maybe that's good. Hold on, I'm coming. Just… sit there. Sit there, and don't move, all right?"
"Fine," Lupin answered. He took a small bite out of the small section of toast left, and though he heard the sound of some very odd shoes tripping in the hall. "Sirius, are you okay?" he called.
"Great, Moony, great!" yelled Sirius. "Don't go anywhere!"
"I'm not!" Lupin told him. "But come out, please. The fact that you're actually back is so surprising, but now that you've been gone for half an hour I've started to miss you again."
"Well, you'll probably still be missing me, now that I've… well… you'll see."
Lupin heard another noisy stumble, and then the loud sound of shoes walking. He furrowed his brow, but shrugged it off and took a sip of his water.
The footsteps drew closer now, and now Sirius was back in the room, walking over to Lupin. Sirius took a deep breath, and then walked in front of him. "I swear to you, Moony, it's still me."
Lupin looked up and spat out his water. "What on earth have you done with Sirius?" he cried, looking at the sight in front of him.
Sirius looked nothing at all like the way he did half an hour ago. The black hair that had messily been tied behind his head was now revealed to be of shoulder length, shiny, and full of volume. The baggy shirt and jeans were replaced by a form-fitting light blue sweater and a white skirt with different colored flowers on it. There were zebra patterned tights on his legs, covering up his bare feet that were now slipped into shoes. And not just any shoes. Black platform high heels, with the heel probably being about four inches.
Lupin just gaped at him. "If you still are Sirius, then what are you wearing? Sirius, you're dressed like a… a... a woman!" He let out a nervous little laugh.
Sirius's cheeks turned red (Lupin noticed that his cheeks were already pink now, thanks to some blush), and he sat down next to Lupin on the couch. Lupin, with curiosity stitched onto his face, stared at Sirius's face. He had noticed that Sirius had been very clean-shaven before, but hadn't thought anything of it then. He noticed that Sirius now had on red lipstick, some eye shadow, and— oh, Merlin— had plucked eyebrows.
"I know, Remus," said Sirius quietly, not quite meeting his eyes. "I know that I look ridiculous. But I had to do it. See, I realized when I came back that I was still considered a mass murderer. Because it appears that no one thought to spread the news of my innocence. And so, the dog thing was all very well, but if I was going to go out and about and try to live again, I couldn't just be a dog the entire time. I'm not lucky enough to be a Metamorphagus like dear old Tonks—"
Lupin felt rather glad that Sirius wasn't looking at him now.
"—so I figured I'd just have to disguise myself some other way. And so the only way I could come with this was by… well, being a damn woman! I mean, look at me! I'm a cross dresser! It's like that lesson you told me about where you put Snivelly in some old lady clothes! I look ridiculous!"
Lupin, still wide-eyed, was looking Sirius up and down. "You don't look… that bad," he offered. "But you know, since you're cleared, you could just put this away and go back to dressing like a man."
Sirius groaned. "I can't do that. I've already gotten all these girl clothes and makeup and studied how I'm supposed to act. And plus, being Sirius again would just lead to some awkward questions. No, I made myself a new life now. I'm a girl named Padfoot."
"Okay… Padfoot," Lupin said, with a little laugh. "But also…er… Padfoot's not exactly the most feminine name."
"Oh, shut up," Sirius said, giving his friend a tiny shove with his finger, the nail of which was polished in blue nail polish. "For your information, Mr. Moony, I believe we're heroes now. Just the other day I heard some girl talking about how she wanted to be called Prongs, and how she wanted to call this other girl that she hated by 'Wormtail'."
Lupin blinked. "Seriously? We're that well known?"
"You better believe it, honey," said Sirius, who had now changed the tone of his voice to be higher and more feminine. He stood up with a slight bounce, and walked over to the counter where he grabbed his wand, and then walked back over to Lupin.
"Darn," Lupin said. "You really did study that female thing, didn't you?"
Sirius gave a very feminine giggle. "Well, you didn't think I dated all those girls and didn't pick up anything, did you?"
Lupin nodded. "Yes. I mean, half the time you couldn't even remember their names."
Sirius poked him in the chest with the tip of his wand, but winced as Lupin gave a slight groan. "Aw, sorry, Moony. Here. Let me fix you up a bit…"
Ten minutes later, Lupin had cleaned up. With Sirius's help, the pain was reduced from the minor injuries, and anything longer sustaining had been bandaged up. They walked out of the loft and headed over to Harry and Ron's apartment, only stopping briefly at a store to pick up some treats for them (which had been Sirius's idea, being that Sirius had a ton of money and Lupin didn't).
As they climbed the stairs, Lupin mentioned something to Sirius. "Hey Sir—"
"Padfoot!" Sirius interjected.
"Right," Lupin corrected himself. "Padfoot. You know how at Hogwarts all the girls would stare at you? Well, now I find it funny that now that you're a girl, all the boys are staring at you."
"Hmm, what can I say, Moony?" asked Sirius. "I'm just that gorgeous." He noticed that Lupin had stopped in front of a door, and eyed it.
"Uh," said Sirius. "Maybe I ought to just stand out here and let you greet them for a few minutes. I'm probably going to scare them to death if you just walk in with me. So go talk, and then you just announce that I can come in, and I will, okay?"
Lupin looked confused for the slightest second, but nodded. Sirius scooted away to hide down the hall some, and Lupin knocked on the door.
There was the sound of feet shuffling, but then the door opened, and Lupin saw Ron there in the doorway.
"Well, look who it is!" Ron announced, looking over his shoulder to someone else in the room, who Lupin realized was Harry once he'd walked further in. "Remus Lupin! Werewolf, teacher, Ministry dissent, who ran naked through the Potions dungeon in his seventh year at Hogwarts."
Lupin froze. "Excuse me, but how did you know about that?"
Ron smirked and tapped his hand with a finger, as if there was something there. "The Marauder's Map never lies, Lupin. Me and Harry were asking it embarrassing questions about the founders, and it gave us answers. Even though no one else knows who the real founders are, you realize that they've become very popular, don't you?"
Lupin rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I've heard that."
"So what took you so long? Are you okay?" asked Ron.
"I'm fine, fine, just had a conflicting schedule with the lunar calendar," Lupin answered.
"Oh," said Ron, eyes widening in remembrance. "Sorry! We should have known that."
"It's fine," said Lupin again. "Look, I've brought you guys some stuff." He walked over to the table in the room and set the bag down. He began to pull some things out, and Ron eagerly helped him.
"There's candies and pastries
And Butterbeer of dreams
This box of Bertie's beans will taste so odd."
"And chocolate frogs!" Lupin announced, with a grin.
Ron ignored this and just dug further in the bag. "Look, it's some more food!"
Lupin snorted at Ron's manners. "And 'thank you', too."
"Oh, hi," said a very sullen looking Harry from his usual chair.
" 'Oh hi' after one whole year?" Lupin asked him, in complete disbelief.
Harry shrugged apologetically. "Sorry."
"This boy could use some chocolate!" Lupin announced, tossing a new chocolate bar over at Harry. Harry actually cracked a smile.
"Oh magic night," the three men mused.
"How'd you get so much money?" Harry asked.
Lupin answered, "Well, they took me back at Hogwarts
To teach Defense Against Dark Arts
But until then I've got time to visit you
Until the new Hogwarts year starts.
Still brooding in the chair?"
Ron let out a loud chuckle through a cauldron cake, and Harry scowled before standing up.
"I got up just for you, don't you know?"
Lupin smiled.
"Very good, you should
Come to the Three Broomsticks after Hermy's show"
"Why go?" asked Harry.
Lupin gave it a thought, and then figured it was now or never. Hopefully it would cheer the boy up some.
"Gentlemen, on this occasion I have brought a guest
Who cannot wait to see you and feels that she's truly blessed
It's astounding, for whoever thought that he could come back?
Sirius 'Padfoot' Black!"
Lupin headed over to the door and opened it again, and Sirius— well, Padfoot, though Lupin was still having a very hard time with thinking of Sirius as a girl— walked in a little tentatively, but with a smile, and said,
"And now for you, it's magical me."
Harry and Ron looked thoroughly confused, and were gaping. Sirius took another deep breath, then gave a wide grin and again said, but with more confidence,
"And now for you, it's magical me!"
"And you should watch him go!" added Lupin, closing the door before anyone else might see or hear something.
Harry stared over at Lupin. "You're sure this girl we know?"
Lupin just gave another smile, and Sirius helped himself to walking about the room, releasing his energy and trying to get Harry and Ron to loosen up.
"It was another magic day
And what could I say?
Never thought I'd ever get to live life this way
When I went down to the street
What on earth did I meet?
It was a bloody ruddy house-elf who then tailed at my feet!
This old creature, like Kreacher
Would not butt out
He was talking all day, I had to shout
If he would help me out now somehow
I'm certain that I won't kill that elf right now
And now for you it's magical me
And now for you it's magical me
Like a snitch 'round the pitch
That house-elf helped me with my sitch
Get rich?
Well, if only I was master's bitch
I thought who'd employ then figured out the boy
And sure as I am here that boy was named Draco Malfoy!
After an hour of me there with Malfoy's house-elf
It drove me so mad and I couldn't help myself
Like all those Death Eaters did when they got real pissed
I tortured Malfoy's house-elf 'til he don't exist
And now for you it's magical me
And now for you it's magical me."
Harry and Ron still looked in deep shock, but at least now they were smiling. Sirius took a brief moment to pull out his wand, steal Lupin's, and then bang them on the table to make some rhythm to go along with his excitement. This was successful, and made Harry and Ron clap some, until Lupin snatched the wands back muttering about how Sirius was being irresponsible and destroying them. Sirius just gave a smirk, batted his eyelashes, and dragged a mention of Lupin into the song.
"Then the full moonI heard my wolf croon
Yes, he was howlin' and growlin'
To a painful tune
The dog helped him see
To some recovery
Then I dressed his wounds
And he was feelin' good soon
Sing it!
And now for you it's magical me
And now for you it's magical me
I said
And now for you it's magical me
And now for you, it's magic…
It's me!"
Harry and Ron clapped, but were still looking curiously at Sirius.
"Sirius is that…" began Harry. "Is that really…?" He was having a harder time at figuring at words than Lupin had, and it was understandable. Especially since his godfather had just come back dressed as a woman.
"Yeah, Harry, dear, it's me. Sirius. Except I'd rather that you call me Padfoot. Especially, and absolutely always, in public. Otherwise I'm going to have to curse you and make you spend an hour hanging upside down by one leg, okay?"
"What are you talking about?" Ron asked. "Sirius isn't a girl! He was a boy!" His brow furrowed a bit, and then he blurted out, "Oh my God, this is like that boggart thing. I thought Snape was scary, but this is freakier!"
"Are you insinuating that I look terrible?" inquired Sirius.
"Um…" said Ron.
"No, it's fine," said Lupin. "Padfoot, you look great. Really good."
Just as a woman would perk up from a compliment, Sirius did the same. "Why thank you, Lupin."
"Is anyone else really freaked out here?" asked Ron, looking at Harry.
Harry blinked some and then said, "Yeah. Can you please just explain this?"
"Well," said Sirius. "I died when I went through that veil, but I guess I didn't qualify as dead, because I got kicked out. Which was a shame, because I was having a great time up there with James, getting into all sorts of trouble and partying it up with all the dead girls. Except I'm not sure one of them was actually a girl, because she took off her hair at one point and didn't really look like a girl anymore. Anyway. I guess I got this idea from her. Or him. Whatever. Since my name's not cleared, I can't be Sirius. So now I'm hiding out as a girl named Padfoot."
"But you're innocent!" protested Harry.
"And 'Padfoot' doesn't sound like a girl name!" added Ron.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, Lupin already pointed that out to me," said Sirius, looking rather annoyed.
Lupin shrugged at him. "It's true."
Harry, though not totally comfortable looking, still looked a great deal better than he had been when Lupin and Sirius had first arrived. "Well… this is weird. But I guess it's okay. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. And how was… how were my parents."
"They're probably laughing their asses off at me right now," said Sirius sarcastically. He gave a laugh, then softened up and said, "No. They really miss you, Harry, and I'm sure they're watching you right now. They told me to tell you to stop being so moody. Oh. And Dumbledore suggested that you eat some lemon drops."
"Oh," said Harry. "That's uh… great."
Lupin took a chocolate bar from the bag before joining Sirius in sitting on the couch.
"By the way," Ron said to Sirius. "Did you really kill one of Malfoy's house-elves?"
"Er… yes," answered Sirius.
Ron looked torn between a smile and an upset look. "Hermione's really going to kill you for that," he said. "She's taken S.P.E.W. to a whole new level. You should call up her fellytone sometime and hear the message that goes on if she doesn't answer it."
"Then we just won't tell her, now will we?" Sirius said with a wink. Lupin looked concerned about this, but Sirius just pretended to take a swipe at the chocolate bar and immediately Lupin stopped looking so concerned about that.
An impatient knock sounded at the door.
"Did you invite anyone else?" Harry asked. Both Lupin and Sirius shook their heads. Ron looked pointedly at Harry.
"All right, all right, all right!" said Harry, and he heaved himself up and over to the door. He opened it up, and saw someone he least wanted to see at the moment. Draco Malfoy, clutching an expensive broomstick that he must have been riding on, and with a house-elf in tow.
"Well, well, well, Potter," he said. "Don't just stand there in my way. Do the right thing and invite me in."
"How about not?" suggested Harry.
"Look, Potter. The longer you stand there, the longer I have to be here. I'm going to do something to change you and Weasley's lives, so hurry." Without waiting for a response, Draco pushed Harry aside and walked in. As his eyes flickered over to the three other residents in the room, he gave a laugh and handed the broom to his elf to hold.
"What do you know, it's Lupin too. Lupin and… bloody hell, Lupin is that your new girlfriend?"
Obviously Draco hadn't figured out that Sirius wasn't a girl. Which worked nicely for both Lupin and Sirius, though they were both not at all what to say in response to the question Draco had asked.
"Er… Yes," said Sirius, the female voice he'd been speaking in going into an absurd falsetto. Lupin elbowed him.
"What?" Sirius muttered through his teeth at Lupin.
"I'll talk to you later," Lupin muttered back.
Thankfully, Draco hadn't noticed anything, because his house-elf was trying to sneak a sit on Draco's broomstick, but had been caught by his master.
"Hey, you elf-- yeah, you doofus
Get your arse off my new Nimbus!"
Ron looked exasperated.
"That attitude toward the house-elves is exactly what
Hermy is protesting about."
Draco shook his head, snatching the broomstick away from the elf and hitting it over the head with it.
"Granger is protesting how house-elves are still enslaved.
Not my attitude."
Harry had to laugh at how untrue this was, being that Hermione had given a loud rant to him one day about how the Malfoys were at the root of all this house-elf injustice. And while Harry was still a little uneasy about Hermione's determination to liberate all the house-elves, any excuse to blame something on Malfoy was fine by him. Still, he wondered why Malfoy was bothering himself was this, and wasn't out with the remaining Death Eaters creating some huge sinister plan.
"What happened to Malfoy?
What happened to his brain?
And the evil he once pursued?"
Draco shrugged. "Being pure evil just didn't work
So now I'm back to being a snobby jerk."
"Happy birthday, Merlin," Lupin muttered in sarcasm.
"Now hear—" Draco went on, but was interrupted by Ron, who said,
"Just leave us alone."
Harry put it more bluntly. "Get out."
"'Cause we always fight—this isn't right," added Ron.
"There is one way
For me not to stay," Draco told them. Everyone gave a loud groan. Since when would Malfoy ever go away?
"And what's that?" Harry asked.
Draco explained more.
"My home has been kind of disorderly
But if you can help get it right
Then these words you will never hear from me:
'You suck, boys
You suck, boys'."
The other four men (or maybe that was three men and one woman) let themselves laugh at this. There was no way that Malfoy could ever swear off telling them how he hated them. Draco ignored this.
"The Malfoy estate, beautiful, humongous, and it's better than this place
When the house-elves work
I'll stay there and be happy
And from then I'll let you be
If you do me one small favor."
"What?" asked Ron.
Draco waited a second, and then confidently replied with, "Convince Granger to cancel her protest."
And this was absurd. Hermione would never cancel something that was her greatest passion. She was already thrilled that a majority of Malfoy's elves had gone on strike and refused to work.
"Why not just buy her a library?
Or clean your own house?" Ron suggested.
"Yeah, I did, and that was not fun," Draco answered in response to the cleaning question. As for buying Granger a library, that would never happen. He had better things to do with his money. Besides, she practically was a library anyway.
"And plus my father would rather I handle this properly."
Then force us to achieve all of your ends!" Harry rebutted angrily.
Draco was insulted that his offer, an offer he considered very generous, was being rejected.
"You wanna play Quidditch and play chess?
You don't know what you're doing
So if you'd like to see me less
Then help before she goes spewing
You suck, boys
You suck, boys
You suck, and this is how it's gonna be
But all of this can change now today
We'll all be fine, you bet
So go or else you'll regret
Just get my elves back, what else can I say?"
And then Draco seemed to find an answer to his own question.
"You suck! Bloody foes!"
He snapped at his elf, and the elf scurried to follow Draco as he exited the room in a huff.
"That boy should see St. Mungo's," mused Sirius.
"Or whine and cry," Harry added.
"Or just die," Ron suggested hopefully.
"Which reminds me," said Lupin.
"We have a detour to make tonight
Anyone who wants to can come there too."
" 'Life Just Sucks' is where people come to complain about life," Sirius explained.
"I'm sure it'd be good for you."
Ron vaguely thought about visiting, but remembered he had other obligations. "First I must help a pogrebon."
Sirius nodded, and looked at his godson. "Harry?"
Harry was slumped back in his chair. "I think I won't and say I did."
"Come on!" Ron snapped at him, because this was a perfect way for Harry to get out of the house. Instead of complaining about life in a chair, he could go complain about it with other people.
Sirius threw a dark look over at his godson, but didn't try and press him any further. He stood up and motioned for Lupin to stand up with him, while explaining to Ron,
"He'll catch up later
Right now he's being an emo kid."
"Hey!" Harry said angrily.
Sirius ignored this and just walked over toward the door. "You suck, boy."
"You suck, boy," Ron and Lupin nodded in agreement.
"You all suck, boys!" Harry retorted at them.
"I'd suck boys," Lupin found himself saying as he stared at Sirius. Realizing this, he blushed and mentally kicked himself, heading for the door faster, but Sirius just raised his plucked eyebrows at him in a very flirtatious way and added, "How lucky."
Lupin just glared at him, opened the door, and started walking.
"We'll see," the four men (or three men and one woman) mumbled.
---
Right after that, Ron had headed over to Hermione and Luna's place, where he'd been asked by Hermione if he'd help save the protest work that Luna's pet thing had eaten. Ron didn't even know much about pogrebons, and didn't even see why he should be the one who had to help. It was Luna's own fault that she had some stupid pet that no one had ever heard of.
Though as much as Ron didn't want to go, he knew he'd do it for Hermione anyway. He'd been crushing on that girl since first year, and even though she'd broken up with him, something in him knew that he wasn't yet over it.
He reached the loft door and knocked on it. He waited for some time, before it was finally opened by a girl with blonde hair and wide blue eyes.
"Ron?" she asked, looking surprised to see him. Though she normally looked surprised at everything.
"Hi," he said.
"I told her not to get you," Luna said.
"That's Hermy," Ron said knowingly. He peered in the apartment.
"But can I help? You're alone."
"I'll do it all on my own," she told him.
Well, if that was the case. Good. Because he didn't want to help some nasty old pet.
"Great.
Well, nice to have—"
"Wait!" Luna called, changing her mind.
"Some help would be great."
Luna opened the door further to allow Ron to come in, and motioned at a disgusting little creature on the floor.
"My pogrebon looks fine
And he's saying—"
"Okay, nevermind," Ron said, not wanting to hear about how Luna talked to her pets.
"Try something. Anything."
And what did Luna do? She went over there, and she poked that creature.
"Poke- one, two, three."
Ron looked at her oddly before adding, "Anything but that."
Luna stood up slowly, her eyes looking at Ron in a furtive way. "This is weird."
"It's weird," Ron agreed.
"You're so weird."
"I'm so weird?" Ron asked. He was pretty sure that he knew who the weird one was between the two of them. And it definitely wasn't him.
"You're so strange and I don't know what to do!" Luna continued.
"My pogrebon's abused
I'm so clearly confused
And to help me with this— I get you!"
"Feel a pain in your head?" he asked.
"Got a feeling you're brain dead?
And you're so stuck you think no luck could be?"
"You might call me a jerk—"
Ron shook his head.
"Listen, I know this work.
It's called the 'Textbook: Hermy.'
The Textbook Hermy!
It's a long, heavy, hard book to read
You think you can get it—"
"I do!" Luna protested, nodding her head at him.
"But then you regret it!" he finished, trying to catch her up.
Luna was still firm. "That just isn't true!"
So Ron went on.
"As you turn ev'ry page
It just makes you enraged
Yet you hail to this female you need."
Luna paused. It appeared Ron had got her. "I think I know this story."
"The Textbook Hermy," both of them nodded.
"Has she ever had a big fight
And called you 'dummy'?" Ron asked, with much previous experience.
"Never," Luna answered.
Ron tried again. "Have you ever watched her study all night?"
Once again, Ron had got her. "This is… funny," she tried.
Then Luna asked her own question.
"Did she use big words that you don't know?"
Ron groaned. "All the time. So make a list."
"Did you lose to her in quiz shows?" Luna asked.
"More than lose," Ron replied.
"That makes me so pissed!" Luna told him.
Ron suddenly remembered again why he was here. Not to talk about Hermione, but to save her protest by getting her information out of that little… thing. He looked at the ugly creature on the ground. His immediate thought was a charm to make the pogrebon just throw up, but it didn't seem to be working. So he tried it again, but in the reverse way. Hey. What came in had to come out, right?
"It's hard to do this backwards," Ron noted as his wand pointed at the pogrebon.
Luna just laughed and said, "You should try it with Nargles."
She didn't seem to be that interested in her creature anymore, instead she began talking about Hermione once more.
"She's clever."
"She's clever," Ron said, rolling his eyes. As if that needed to be established.
"Hermy's clever."
"Way too clever."
"And I'll never be able to compete!" Luna whined.
Ron had a suggestion for this. "Gotta grab all your wit even if it's all shit."
"Yet with her it'd turn obsolete," she mentioned.
And both of them knew this feeling.
"When immersed in her book
You're suddenly hooked
The knowledge she took makes you fall."
"So you think 'why not try-'" Ron began.
"Though my brain may well die," Luna finished up.
"At least I'll have read 'Know-It-All'!" they agreed.
"The Textbook Hermy
Gotta read 'til this book is all through
You say you understand it
Though you can't grasp a hand on it
Still you love when she's smart
Though she may break your heart
'Til you fret so upset you turn blue."
"Why do we love that big brain?" Ron inquired.
"Because she drives us insane," Luna added.
There was a sudden squeal, and the pogrebon was down there, and so were some papers.
"That the stuff?" Ron asked her.
"My Hermy," Luna sighed, picking up the papers.
Ron pulled a face. "Fixed."
"Thanks," Luna added, smiling.
"You know, I feel great now," Ron said, feeling himself grin as well. Maybe it was because he'd found someone else who understood how hard it was to date a know-it-all. Or maybe it just because he could get away from this disgusting creature.
"I feel loony," Luna responded.
Ron caught sight of a picture of Hermione on the wall, and stared at it. Luna looked over at where his eyes were looking, and followed it to the picture. Together, they sighed.
"The Textbook Hermy."
A/N: Yay, another chapter! Anyway, just a few things to clear up. One, I'll probably just be calling Sirius by the name Sirius, and he'll only be called 'Padfoot'in public. Thus, I'm probably not going to refer to Sirius/Padfoot as a 'she' like Angel is typically referred to, because Sirius didn't actually choose to be a dragqueen, he did it to stay in hiding. Although, yeah, technically, he could stop. But then my story wouldn't be as interesting. ;)
And please, please, please, forgive Lupin's little line at the end of 'You Suck'. I got to the end of that song and realized that I'd walked myself right into that one.
And don't ask exactly how Luna's pogrebon was cured. I wouldn't have to bother with knowing if I could just put this up in a less confusing script style.
Anyway, next update to come after I finish up a few more songs. I like to stay a chapter ahead.