Well way to fuckin' go Sara, way to act like a total and utter bitch. How could I? I know how much what I've just done hurts. I've had it done to me before. To abuse someone's trust like I just did is despicable.

Whatever has happened between us in the past, she deserved a hell of a lot better than that, would it have killed me to leave a note? So I didn't know how to handle it, I could have made something up; anything at all would have been preferable to what I actually did.

I walked home from Catherine's, I needed time to think, try to clear my head. I got less than half a mile before realizing I'd made one hell of a mistake.

I contemplated going back; stopping on the way to get food so I could pretend that's why I left. But I couldn't, I've never been good at lying, she'd have seen right through me in a second, then not only would I be a bitch, I'd be a lying bitch.

When I got home I headed right for the shower, standing under the almost scalding water. Just letting it wash over me, wishing it could wash away my problems and my guilty conscience; so I don't have to deal with either of them.

I checked my machine when I walked back into the living room, hoping she'd have phoned, even if it was just to yell at me.

I make a quick call to Grissom, tell him I feel sick and won't be in tonight. There's no way I can go into work as if nothing has happened. He seems shocked, tells me to call him if I need anything. I almost laugh at that, I'd love to see how he'd handle this one.

I make myself a coffee and sit on the sofa, I'd put the television on but I'm too lost in thought to take any notice of it.

I pick up my cell phone, just in case I've somehow missed a call, or a text message. Placing it back on the sofa next to me I stare at it for a minute or two, as if I can make it ring by will-power alone. Although, it should be me doing the calling.

How the hell did I let this happen? We don't even get on. I don't even like her.

Oh for Christ's sake Sara, why not just for once be honest with yourself?

What's not to like about her? She's intelligent, amazing at her job and gorgeous to boot. Besides, I seemed to have no problems with her when I was writhing under her touch a few hours ago.

So why did I leave?

Let's stick with the honesty for a while okay? Admit it Sidle, you were scared, scared senseless. Scared she might actually want you.

Why would I be scared of that?

Because she'll challenge me, call me on my shit and expect me to do the same for her. She has no trouble expressing her emotions, showing me how she feels and I wouldn't be able to shut her out or push her away, she wouldn't let me. In other words, I'd have to change, let someone in and trust them, because she wouldn't accept anything less.

The thought of that petrifies me more than I care to admit.

I've never had someone be like that with me before, people usually just leave me to my own devices, see my half assed attempts at relationships and take it or leave it, usually because they're only half interested themselves.

Face it Sara, that's why you've always pushed her away, kept her at arms length; because I know she wouldn't be happy with the teeny tiny bits of myself I give people.

Take Grissom for instance, I convinced myself I was in love with him; I didn't let him get close though. But then I knew deep down that he wouldn't try so he was a safe bet. I could convince myself it was all his fault it didn't work out, because he was so unavailable and detached emotionally.

That way I could ignore that fact that I am too. Ignore the fact that I never invest in relationships. And let's face it, if I wanted any type of relationship with Catherine, I'd have to invest; because there's no way in hell she'd let me get away with not doing so.

Plus I know I couldn't help it, she gets under my skin, always has done and I can't help the way I react to her. Somehow she always manages to make me react; bring out emotions I try so hard to control. So I'm scared.

Isn't it about time I grew up and got the hell over it?

I don't think I like this honesty thing any more.

So what do I do about it now? How the hell do I make this right?

I grab my cell phone and dial Catherine's number, my stomach starts doing star jumps and I can feel my heart rate speed up with every unanswered ring. After half a dozen or so rings I'm put through to voice mail.

Okay so maybe she isn't by her phone. Just because she didn't answer doesn't mean she's ignoring me.

I could phone the lab, they'd tell me if she was in. And then what?

Oh who the hell am I kidding, of course she's ignoring me and with good reason. I've royally screwed this one up.

Why am I even bothered? Aren't I the one who said I wasn't looking for a relationship, that it was just physical for me?

Of course she could feel that way herself; I was too cowardly to stick around long enough to find out.

What's the worst that could have happened? We'd have talked, I'd have told her how I felt, she'd have told me how she felt. We'd have agreed it was a one-time thing or maybe we'd have tried seeing where it went. Yep, plenty of reason to run away there Sara. God I'm a total ass.

I try her phone again, to no avail. I have to get her to talk to me. Not that I have any idea what to say, I just need her to know I'm sorry.

I just wish I could turn the clock back. Do this morning all over again, only this time I wouldn't give in to the panic I felt when I woke up. I'd wait till she woke up, maybe even make her breakfast and then talk to her.

There's a million things running through my head, I feel like I'm going slightly crazy.

I'm dragged from my thoughts by a knock on my door, I check to see who it is and I think my heart stops for a second when I see Catherine on the other side.