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I open the door and just stand there looking at her, I don't say a word, just stand there. My brain doesn't seem to be working right now.
"Can I come in?" She asks.
"Oh yeah, sorry." I stand back and open the door for her. I get the feeling I'll be saying sorry a lot more before today is over.
She walks in and stands in the middle of my living room, she looks so tiny right now and I feel the overwhelming urge to wrap her in my arms and try to make everything better. I don't though; I don't think she'd appreciate that right now.
Standing here, looking at her it strikes me how much braver than me she is. She had the courage to go after what she wanted, to make a move on me. I was the one that walked out and yet here she is, this cannot be easy for her and no doubt she's looking for an explanation. I just hope I have one she wants to listen to.
I study her face looking for any hint of emotion she might be feeling, maybe give myself a second or two to prepare for whatever is coming, but she's giving nothing away in her expression.
"Can I get you a drink or anything?" Avoidance? That's a new one Sara.
"No thank you."
We stand there looking at each other, an awkward silence filling the air. I desperately want to say sorry and try to explain myself, but I'm too nervous, why can't she just yell at me or something, because I sure as hell deserve it.
"You're just going to stand there aren't you? Not saying anything. Just totally ignore the issue. Wait for me to deal with it?" Now she looks pissed, seriously pissed "That is just so typical of you." She shakes her head in obvious disbelief.
"I don't know what to say." That's not exactly true, I want to say a million things, and I'm just too scared.
"You could make up some excuse, tell me you left a note and I mustn't have seen it, tell me there was an emergency, tell me anything at all, just don't stand there saying nothing as if it's all okay. Of course you could always just say sorry, but then you'd actually have to be sorry first."
"I am sorry." I say quickly, stepping a little closer to her. "I'm so sorry; I regretted it ten minutes after I left."
"But you didn't come back did you; no you just let me wake up thinking everything was fine."
"I know, but I couldn't come back. I thought about it, I was going to make out like I'd gone to get us breakfast, but I didn't want to lie to you."
She laughs at me when I say this, unable to hide the incredulity she feels at my comment. Although now I've said it I realise it does sound ridiculously stupid.
"Oh yeah, because that would have been so much worse than walking out like that. Would have been so much more hurtful to have you there when I woke." She says, her voice full of sarcasm. "Okay, so you obviously think this morning was a mistake, you were drunk and I pretty much threw myself at you, I just don't understand why you couldn't have just explained."
"I know, it's just that I..." I have no clue what I'm doing here. I need to explain to her why I left and try to make her see I'm sorry and that I don't think it was a mistake, not now I've had time to think.
She looks seriously upset and it's all because of me. I have to make this up to her somehow.
I gesture towards the sofa; she follows me over and sits at the opposite end to me.
"Do you have any idea how much it hurt when I realised you'd gone? Left without as much as a note. I thought you'd gone for a shower, or to get coffee or something. I feel like a fool." The hurt clearly visible in her eyes is killing me; I can't believe I put it there. "Do you know how hard it was for me to show you how I felt? How long it took me to work up the nerve to do something about it. Then you do something like that. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting anything, didn't want to assume anything until we'd talked, but it seems that was too much for you. I don't even know why I'm surprised; it's not as if I haven't had my share of people who weren't interested beyond sex." She sighs and shakes her head a little "I just thought..." She stops mid sentence.
I wait a few seconds thinking she'll continue but impatience gets the better of me. "You thought what?"
"I guess I just thought it would be different with a woman." She looks away from me as she finishes talking, so thankfully she doesn't see my shocked expression.
"You've never been with a woman before?" Holy shit. I feel a million times worse hearing that. First times like that should have happy memories attached. Not a one-night stand with someone who didn't even care enough to stick around for coffee afterwards.
"Never." She shakes her head and looks away again. I don't believe this.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I had no idea; I just assumed...I mean, I thought...I...shit." Very eloquent Sara.
"Oh come off it Sara, the fact that you're the first woman I've been with doesn't mean shit. It sure as hell doesn't change anything." Okay, she has a total right to be angry here.
I'm an ass, a grade A, first-class ass. How could I be so thoughtless and selfish? I will make this right, I have to.
"Why did you leave? Was it me? I know I've never been with a woman before...I mean...was it the sex?"
How can she think that? I shake my head at her before replying. "Good god no, it was amazing, you were amazing, you made me feel amazing." I tell her truthfully.
"Then why?" She asks.
I bury my head in my hands for a minute taking a deep breath and then looking at her. Okay, time to be honest with her and with myself too.
"I was scared, that's why I left, hell, I'm scared now. I don't know what to do here. I don't know how to handle this. I panicked when I woke up; I had no idea how to deal with what happened between us, so I did what I always do, I left." I say quickly, before losing my nerve and doing the usual 'defensive' routine.
"Scared?" She's the one looking shocked now.
"Absolutely petrified."
"Of what?"
God, how do I get all that in one conversation? "You, me, the possibility there could be an 'us', that you might want there to be an us and most of all because I might."
A look of confusion crosses her face as my words sink in. "You're scared of a relationship with me?"
"Yes." That about sums it up.
"But why? I don't understand."
"You've known me for almost five years now right?"
"About that, why?"
"In all of that time how many people have you seen me get close to, really close?"
She thinks for a second "I can't think of anyone."
"Exactly, it's not something I do; it's not something I let myself do. But I know if anything happened between us I'd have to let you in because you wouldn't accept anything less."
"You got that right."
"So it scared me, still scares me now. The thought of you wanting that from me is terrifying." I pray to god she doesn't ask why I have issues about this. My childhood is not something I want to get into right now.
Thankfully for me she doesn't. She just regards me for a second or two before speaking. "I should apologize as well, we were drunk this morning and I practically jumped you." Oh no she doesn't.
"Don't you dare apologize, you may remember I didn't once complain or try to stop what was happening. I'm the ass here, this is all my fault."
"I won't argue there." She says smiling. "You said before that you might want there to be an us?" I don't reply, I think I'm to scared to vocalise it, to make it real like that; so I just nod.
"I thought it had just been about the sex for you, that's why you left."
"I thought that too, but now I've had time to think, I realise it's more than that."
She smiles at my words and I'm thankful I've said something right, something she obviously wanted to hear. "It definitely wasn't just physical for me. I admit I probably wouldn't have made a move if I hadn't of been drinking. I've had feelings for you for a while now. Then when you said you thought I was beautiful I couldn't help but think there might be a chance. But instead of talking to you about it, I decided to show you." She shrugs, making me wonder if she's happy or regretful about the decision she made, although after this morning I have no doubt that she wishes she'd have spoken to me first.
I move to sit a little closer to her and tentatively bring my hand up to her face, running my fingertips across her cheek. I feel her relax into my touch and a huge wave of relief washes over me, I thought she would have backed away.
"You are beautiful, I meant that." She smiles at my words. "Do you regret it?"
"How could I? It was amazing being with you like that, better than I ever imagined." She moves my hand from her face and holds it in hers. "Even after what happened, if I had it to do again, I'd make sure we talked first, but I can't regret it."
"Do you think we could try again? Do things the right way around this time?" I ask hopefully. I think I'd really like to try.
"I don't know. I'm not sure I could take you shutting me out like that again. No, I take that back. I won't have you do that to me again. I won't leave myself open to that. I refuse to try this again if you can't open yourself up to me, let me know you."
"I'm not going to make promises I'm not sure I can keep and I won't lie, it's hard for me to open up and let people in. But for the first time in a very long time I want to, I want to try this with you; I want to let you in." I feel a sense of relief as I say that, both at the fact I managed to be honest with her and the fact I do want to let someone in, finally.
"Are you sure? You're not going to change your mind in a week?"
"I'm sure." And I am, I don't know when that happened but I am sure. Sure of her, sure she won't hurt me intentionally; sure she won't abuse my trust.
"We take this slow." She states
"I think that's best." I think I'd take just about anything she's willing to give me right now.
"Okay." She said okay, just like that my world is about to change. Who knew it would feel this good.
"So now what."
She grins at me before continuing. "You could ask me out."
The thought of a date with her thrills me beyond belief and I smile involuntarily at her words.
"Catherine, would you like to go on a date with me?" Even though she suggested I do this, I still hold my breath waiting for her answer.
"Yes, I'd love to."
"Excellent." I just sit looking at her after she answers. Amazed that I just asked her out, amazed that she said yes.
"Right, I'm tired." She says, breaking the silence.
"Oh right. You going to head home then?" I don't want her to leave. But this is all her pace now.
She regards me for a second before speaking. "Erm, if it's okay with you. I'd like to stay here." She says. She sounds nervous, as if I actually want her to leave. "I'd like to wake up with you. Start tomorrow like I should have started today."
"That's more than okay." I smile.
I take her hand and lead her to my bedroom then head to the bathroom to change, giving her some privacy so she can change.
As I change I ponder how exactly is it I went from leaving her this morning, convinced I didn't even like her, to practically begging her to try a relationship with me tonight?
A few minutes later and I'm in bed with Catherine curled up at my side, her head tucked under my chin, her arms holding me and it feels fantastic.
"Sara?" She asks.
"Yeah."
"Promise you'll be here when I wake up." I hate myself for making her feel the need to ask that.
I kiss the top of her head and wrap my arms around her. "I promise." I say, hoping she heard the honesty.
I feel her relax against me and her breathing evens out. I know right here and now that I'm falling for her. I just hope I don't mess it up.
If this is what happens when I'm honest with myself, I think I'll try it more often.