A/N This is my first ever, i know it is...well practically non-existent but these where the random drabbles going through my head.
Disclaimer: didint you hear? they where auctioning them off and I won! waiit...1 billion dollars! I cant afford that! okay never mind then :(
I sit here and try, every day I try, to picture my fathers face. I don't know why, but it has become like a game to me. Someone once called me vain, because I spent so much time looking in a mirror, but they never knew the real reason.
When I was younger I would spend hours trying to extract the exact features of my face that belonged to him. I guess that I thought that if I could hide his parts with makeup, my mother wouldn't look at me and see him. I suppose that then it was a desperate stab at my mothers love, and now it is like a comfort blanket. I don't know the logic in how trying to see a killer in me is comforting, but I suppose it is because I never really do separate his features from my mother's. I think it is in those times that I can sometimes pretend that I was born into a normal family, and that my father left like so many fathers do today.
After my mother died I had no one to compare my halves to. Suddenly I was completely and utterly alone. For the first time in my life, I was myself. I wasn't half my mother and half a rapist, I was just simply me. I gave up looking for my father long ago. Maybe it was the cold hard realization that I would never know who I was that sent me spiraling into depression. Now I sit here alone, sipping the sin of my mother while plagued by the thoughts of my father.
I survive like this, one day at a time. One bloody day at a time.