AN: many thanks to Marie for the wonderful beta
Carson was staring at the ocean. He was thinking about Ford. The young man had gone through so much, in such a short time. He wondered if he still had that happy, boyish smile. If there was anything in Aiden's world that could make him smile.
He thought back to the his twenty-fifth year. Working, learning, hoping that one day things would clear enough for him to have a happy, peaceful life… wife, kids. Nothing was left of those dreams. In Atlantis, he'd been too busy with the threat of death to care about dreams. All that he hoped for was that he'd find a way to stay in Atlantis.
"Psst… Doc!" John's voice was barely a whisper.
"Yes?" Carson turned around and looked at the Colonel, who had a big grin on his face. Carson thought of all the things he had been through and admired him for his strength to go on.
"I wrote that letter… umm… adjusted it a bit, here and there."
"You did?" Carson responded, amused. He took the piece of paper and started reading. "There's nothing changed!"
"Really?" John frowned and took the paper back, skimming it. "Well! I wanted to write something…"
"What?" Carson asked, curiosity obvious in his voice.
"Something like… No need to worry about me, my friends are gonna take care of me."
Carson stared at him, not knowing what to make of it.
"Don't worry, I didn't plan to write it, just wanted to make you loosen up a little, you know…"
"Aye, thanks, lad. I'll be okay. Thank you for this."
"No problem! I'll be on my way now."
"Goodbye."
"Carson…" John turned back and added: "Rodney is… difficult these days. Have no idea what's gotten into him, but he is. Be easy on him, okay? And don't take his words to heart. He's just blowing some steam."
Carson bowed his head and looked sideways, "He's upset with me."
"Now, you can't know for sure."
"He was before the accident and he didn't…" Carson stopped mid sentence and turned away. He didn't want to talk to John about this. He didn't want to talk to anybody about this.
"He didn't what?" John asked, pretending not to notice Carson's movements.
"He would've acted differently a few weeks ago. Things have changed."
John understood that Carson didn't want to talk anymore. In his military career, he'd sustained all sorts of injuries, and he knew that they shouldn't be judged. He knew that sometimes those that seemed small hurt the most. Everybody knew how apprehensive Carson was when it came to the chair. Getting injured while sitting in it must have been his worst fear come true. Rodney's attitude only worsened things. He didn't know if anybody told Carson about Rodney blaming him for the accident, but he knew Rodney visited him only once. The whole team felt like Rodney was Carson's closest friend and that he should be the first to visit him. Except that Rodney never did, and they realized they'd waited for him for too long. Carson was out of the infirmary now and probably felt betrayed. Abandoned.
"Carson? We wanted to visit in the infirmary, it's just that we didn't know when or how to -"
"It's okay, lad." Carson didn't turn around, but John knew that there were tears in his eyes. No matter how hard he tried to conceal it, he heard it.
"I'm sorry I -"
"Please." Carson couldn't ask him to leave, but he didn't want to talk about it.
"I… Schwartz asked me to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer about the last mission, but I feel that I can't. I was wondering if –"
"I can't override his advice. You probably should talk to her."
"I was wondering if I could talk to you about it."
Carson didn't know what to say. Why would John want to talk to him? He tried to compose his features and turned around: "What do you want to talk about?"
John sat down on the stairs: "I was… those people did nothing. I was used to action, to responsibilities, and they just sat there and meditated."
"Did you take part in those meditations?"
"Tried to. No good… fell asleep."
Carson chuckled.
"Really… I figure they realized it, but thought I should be left alone."
"Did that monster appear often?"
"A few times. But they did nothing! They just ran away! I was thinking about Rodney… how he'd hold his gun in shaking hands. But he would have fired, he would have fought. Not to mention Ronon and Teyla."
"So you wished you had them by your side?"
"I didn't understand why they weren't there. We worked well as a team. I didn't understand why they would abandon me. It was frustrating to see how… dependant I have become of them, and they were away. I thought they left me there… I didn't want to at first, but after three months, I lost any hope."
"Not any. You came looking for us."
"Well, I didn't lose all hope, but all rational hope. When you came back…"
"We shot you."
They both knew they had to talk about it.
"Yes. It was all pretty fuzzy. I remember you shouting at everybody. Then I remember waking up in the infirmary. I was ashamed."
"Ashamed? Why would you be ashamed?"
"For not trusting you. For thinking you wouldn't come for me."
"There's no need t' worry. It's understandable, really. I dunno what I would've done had I been in that situation."
"Then I saw you in the bed next to me. It was so… wrong seeing you there. I was afraid I wouldn't get to tell you."
John paused, searching for his words and was grateful for Carson's ability to listen without interrupting.
"I wanted to tell you that I trust you. Now, more than ever. You showed me that I was right, that we are a team."
Carson was looking down, thinking about John's words. He wanted to tell him about the accident, but was afraid that John wasn't ready to hear that yet.
"I'm sorry if I upset you, Carson, I didn't mean to -"
"You didn't upset me, John. It's… it's hard to explain."
"There's something I'm missing here. Is this about Rodney?"
"No, " Carson whispered. "My hand… it's not getting better. It never will."
"You mean it's -"
"Yes." Carson cringed, realizing he couldn't hear the words again.
"I'm sorry." John remembered all the discussions about Carson's injury, how people would joke about it, saying that the doctor finally got a taste of his own medicine.
"What are you going to do?" John's voice showed genuine concern.
"Hope."