"I…" Rodney looked at Carson, trying to see if he was really interested. After all he'd done, he couldn't imagine why he'd ask, otherwise. "When we came back from that planet, when Sheppard was shot, I was frustrated. No one talked to me. I just wanted to know. Then you came to my lab and I was anxious to try the new system and dragged you to the Chair Room and the rest is… well, you know." Rodney bowed his head, expecting accusations from Carson.

"And after that?"

"After… At first, I was afraid it was my fault. Then I did some research and realized the overload wasn't something I caused."

"I tried to tell you."

"I know, I should have listened, but I didn't."

"Why didn't you come and tell me?"

"I… was afraid I'd mess things up." Rodney admitted.

"How?"

"You know how I am…"

"Rodney, I would have expected for you to know how I feel about your social skills."

"My what?"

"Exactly. What happened

"My mother wrote me a letter."

"I thought you didn't keep in touch." Carson said, a bit puzzled by Rodney's statement. He didn't know what that had to do with him.

"We don't. Didn't." He stopped for a few moments, gathering his words. It was a simple thing, his mother explained it so well… like she always did. "She was sick. Terminal. She didn't know that much about me, just where to send letters. She sent me one letter. She died two days after writing it." He was sobbing, ashamed of his tears, trying to wipe them away. Carson grabbed his hands and held them in his. "It's okay, Rodney, it's normal to feel this way. Many times, we don't realize what we have until it's too late."

Rodney looked at him and said with regret "You don't understand Carson, she didn't say she loved me, she said that I was a loser, that no matter how smart I was, I always fucked up and I always will. That that's how I'm made and nothing will change it. She was sorry I… she just wanted Jeannie, not some dumb boy who…" Rodney couldn't speak anymore. He was shaking and Carson put his arm around his shoulders, bringing him closer to him. His mother was one of the most caring souls in the world and he couldn't begin to imagine how it must have felt to read such words from your mother.

"She was right, Carson. I fucked up."

"Don't ever say that again, Rodney."

"Your career and -"

"Don't Rodney, please." Carson felt ashamed. All his feelings, all the blame he had placed on Rodney's shoulders. What was done was done. Rodney reacted the way he always did. But part of what made Carson his friend was his ability to understand him. That's where he had failed.

"Rodney, it's okay. You know we don't feel that way."

"Nobody trusts me anymore."

"We're just a little slow at showing it, Rodney. If we didn't trust you, we wouldn't be here with you."

Rodney tried to believe what Carson was telling him. The same man that a few minutes before was questioning their friendship was offering support. Wiping away the tears from his eyes, he apologized "Sorry, I didn't mean to get all emotional on you, it's just that -"

"It's okay, Rodney. We all have our demons. All that matters is that we fight them. And win."

Rodney looked at Carson. "Do you really want to leave?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"I think you do. Even if we don't find a way to cure this, which I think we will, you belong here."

"I couldn't practice surgery -"

"Carson, you're not just the hand holding the knife."