I bet everybody was wondering what happened to Fartemit while we were underground. Here it is now...
To my reviewers:
Elysium: Thank you. Just one thing: I'm not American. English isn't even my first language!
TheSpaminator: If you find it annoying, please read something else.
neutralgal: Hey, thanks!
Chapter 6. Back to the Criminal Mastermind
While Brolly was being rocketed to the surface, about to face a rogue mole, Fartemit had finally arrived at a port in Dublin, and had walked home with Buttleg. After a change of clothes, Buttleg returned to tending to the house, while Fartemit decided to check up on his mother.
Pinchalingum Owl was probably the most insane woman on Earth with the most insane first name. I mean, what sort of name is 'Pinchalingum'? Of course, if you've studied the Khmer Empire in Ancient History, you'll probably get the idea. Anyway, Fartemit walked straight into the elevator's glass wall, and for the fifteen-minute journey to his mother's holding cell, he swore about the bloody wall. Literally. His nose had spurted blood, and the glass wall was slick with his blood.
By the time he arrived at the holding cells of the Owl Family, his bleeding had stopped. Another few kilometers of corridor to go, thought Fartemit. He got into the waiting golf cart, and drove the cart down the perfectly straight corridor, with absolutely no obstacles whatsoever. But Fartemit managed to smash it into the concrete walls at least twenty times.
Finally, he arrived at holding cell Number 9/14/19/1/14/5. He got out of the scrap of metal that had been a cart, just before it collapsed. He walked over to the ID wall. He had to show his eye, press his thumb to a scanner, and state clearly the owner's favourite phrase. There was also a hidden camera measuring the dimensions of the person's body, to make sure that the person wasn't a freaky floating fairy from underground. They'd caught twenty-four intruders so far (who would want to break into the holding cell of a mad woman?).
Fartemit stepped onto the base, pressed his thumb to the eye scanner and his eye to the thumb scanner. He spoke clearly: Ore wa eroy bakatare da. (People who understand Japanese, try saying that aloud.) Fartemit had no idea what it meant, but he liked the sound of it. It's not hard to understand that he was, at heart, a flippin' retard.
At an agonizingly slow speed, the metre thick doors opened up, to reveal a huge glass cube, the size of a living room, where his mother resided inside, along with a bed, a desk, a computer (whose screensaver read, "You don't have to be insane to use this /?#!$&'! computer, but it helps". It has a picture of Hannibal Lecter in a restraining suit behind it), and a television. Pinchalingum was presently watching Popeye on the television, drinking from a mug of gin. She was wearing a bright yellow frock with holes where there had been flowers (Pinchalingum had cut them out), sunglasses, and a cowboy hat that said: Hey, baby. You wanna sass? If you've read The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, you'll find the meaning of the word 'sass'. It's the last one.
The walls of the cube were actually a two-way mirror. All day, Pinchaligum Owl would sleep, watch television, surf the Internet, write and draw a few things, look at herself in the mirrors, or everything at once. To a casual passer-by, all they would have said about her would have been, 'a little eccentric'. But if you heard what she said, and what she did in the bathroom, the whole idea would change immediately.
Fartemit opened a porthole, enabling Pinchalingum to hear what her slightly more sane son had to say.
"Mother?" called Fartemit into the little circle. The woman's head spun faster than it was supposed to, and made her whole body spin after it, and smashed the television with her arms. Amazingly, she was unhurt.
"Oh, stupid f-----g old b---h of a computer! Why do you always have to f-----g disintegrate every f-----g time I smash my f-----g head into your f-----g screen?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" screamed the woman. She kicked the broken, useless television. Fartemit slapped his forehead, and quietly cleared his throat. Pinchalingum slowly turned around dramatically, and suddenly burst into laughter. She had recognized her son. She ran towards him, arms outstretched, as if there wasn't a wall between them. Unfortunately, there was.
Pinchalingum rebounded from the wall with a sickening thud. Fartemit flinched, slapped his forehead, and sighed deeply.
He took the waiting clipboard from its hook, and took out the pencil from its groove. The sheet upon it looked like this:
Tuesday, March 23rd 2004
Please circle the correct answer on the right-hand side:
Recognition: Yes / No / Unsure
Detection of Wall: Yes / No / Unsure
Consuming of Food & Drink: Yes / No / Unsure
Usage of Time for Leisure: Yes / No / Unsure
Usage of Time for Sleep: Yes / No / Unsure
Overall Insanity Level (1Sane, 10Insane): 1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10
Fartemit circled 'yes' for Recognition, 'no' for Detection of Wall, 'unsure' for the rest, and '8' for Insanity Level. He was being very reasonable that day.
He walked out of the vault, and, after thirty minutes of searching for transport, he shrugged, and decided to walk down the corridor. As he passed, he was aware of the labels above the doors: 'Cryogenics Pods', 'Alchemy Dept.', 'Emergency Sandwiches', and even 'Nuclear Warfare and Other Home Protection Experiments'. There were also a lot of craters on the walls, which Fartemit saw with disgust. My, my, he thought. What sort of idiot would smash their transport to bits by smashing it into walls when it's perfectly straight with no obstacles?
After another while, he reached the end of the corridor, got into the waiting elevator, and pressed the appropriate button. He also pressed other buttons to see where he ended up. This trip took another thirty minutes more than it should have.
Fartemit walked out of the elevator into the deserted lobby. He walked across it, and opened the door to his father's office. He found Buttleg, wearing a pair of Spiderman 2 underpants and his feet on the table, reading a copy of the Beano.
After shoving Buttleg through the window, Fartemit sat down, and found what he was looking for: the Brá. Boy, getting this cost me a lot of pain, thought Fartemit fondly. But it was sure worth it.
He opened it to unravel the secrets inside…
You know, for some strange reason, I've already done the last chapter and the prologue for the next Fartemit Owl story. Let me just tell you: both are extremely weird.