Chapter 11. Operation Get-That-Damn-Useless-Dumbass-of-an-Inspector-Back-By-Happy-Hour
Meanwhile, in ELF Main Headquarters in the underground city of Shaven, a serious party was going on to celebrate the departure of the most useless Inspector the organization had ever seen. Everyone was celebrating, especially Smoot, who had thrown the party in the first place, and had handed out his best cigars to everybody. Yes, everyone was happy. Except a certain pink-loving centaur.
Moley was sitting on his pink swivel chair in his pink office, looking glum. He had a pink martini in his hand, but unlike his usual self of gulping down over five glasses every ten seconds, he hadn't even finished one. He sat, looking glumly at the pink, frosted glass. He felt quite guilty about ignoring Brolly's distress signal, but more so that he had lost all his money at the casino. He wondered what he should do next. Should I try and save Brolly? She is my one and only friend, after all, he thought. But then, she does physically abuse me every day. Maybe she doesn't think of me as much of a friend as I do for her. He finally took a sip of his martini to help him relax. Then another. And another. Soon, he was too drunk to walk straight, but he could still think straight (to an extent) to decide that he would tell Smoot to save Brolly, with the reason being that… well… you need to hear it, I can't tell you it.
Moley stumbled out of his pink flower-shaped office and swaggered up to Smoot, who was at that moment playing strip poker with the other female officers. He was only wearing a pair of boxers, and the women were looking away with disgust at the tiny bulge that formed on the fabric. He tapped the Chief Inspector on the shoulder, who was also stoned. Smoot turned his head, and spat in the centaur's face. The women took the chance to run away as quickly as possible and soon got involved in another explicit game with much better-looking men than Smoot. Smoot got very upset at this and started crying on Moley's shoulder, while the centaur unsuccessfully tried to wipe his face, but ended up punching the weeping Smoot in the face multiple times. Smoot sat there weeping for a few minutes, and then promptly fell asleep, adding more drool to the centaur's fluorescent pink body-tight work suit. To make sure readers don't ruin their keyboards by vomiting, I won't continue.
Needless to say, when Smoot woke up, in the arms of the centaur, he was seriously hung over. And when he was hung over, he usually a) strangled, b) shouted at, or c) shot people around him. Since he was hung over, he couldn't lift his arms, so he had to settle with b). Which wasn't necessarily a good thing.
'MOLEY! GET THE BLOODY HELL OFF MY LAP!' screamed Smoot, in a loudness Smoot hadn't known had existed. On the surface, it was recorded as a minor earthquake in Japan, practically on the other side of the world. Luckily, the land directly above them was a disused apartment store, which just crumbled to pieces. No one cared about that shabby old thing anyway.
While we were talking about earthquakes above ground, below it, now that was another thing.
Brolly awoke to much screaming in the Manor. The whole thing seemed to be teetering on the edge of a cliff. The whole building was vibrating dangerously, making huge cracks everywhere. Brolly could hear loads of crashing and banging as expensive antiques, not-so-expensive antiques, and cheap 'antiques' made in Burma fell off walls, tables and toilet seats, smashing to bits. She immediately realized what had happened. Jeez, she thought to herself. Smoot needs a chill pill.
Suddenly Buttleg burst into the room.
'What have you done, you bloody elf?' he screamed at her, although the scariness was somewhat lost by the fact that he was wearing a pink bathrobe with 'I'M SEXY' written in big, gold letters written all over it, pink bunny slippers, a pink shower cap, and a pink and yellow polka-dot brush. Brolly sat there, speechless, then collapsed in laughter, just like she had done when Fartemit had kidnapped her by fluke. Buttleg went as pink as his bathrobe, and stormed out in a huff, smacking his head on the doorway as he went out. Brolly passed out.
Shaven was a ruin. Completely and utterly destroyed by Smoot's scream.
Smoot gazed upon the damage with pride.
'Not bad for an old bastard like me, eh?' he asked the elf beside him. Captain Troubled Welp was a pathetic thing of a captain. Sure, he was supposed to be one of the best captains in the whole organization, but that was bullsht, invented by himself to create some false dignity. Almost all of the missions he had 'completed' had been secretly done by other officers, usually by bribe. The only one he'd actually done himself concerned a rat in the bathroom. And that one hadn't even been official.
Moley appeared from under the rubble, his body-tight pink clothes absolutely ruined. He was still hung over, which had been helped immensely by having 10 tons of rubble being dumped on his head, and concrete dust being shoved into his windpipe.
'Smoot, you fcking idiot!' rasped Moley. 'Look at what you've cough done! You've cough, cough destroyed the one true cough, cough, cough safe place for beings like us cough, cough, cough, cough… ' He suddenly collapsed in fits of coughs. Smoot kicked the hyperventilating centaur off the rubble, causing the centaur to die of hyperventilation (that's a long word in a dumb story). And Smoot laughed. This was fun. Of course, in his deranged, hung-over mind, anything violent was fun. He turned to tell this to Captain Welp, but it turned out that he had fainted at the sight of such 'outright violence' (as he later put it). Smoot started hyperventilating too, and they all collapsed in a heap. What a lovely way to end a chapter.
Indeed. Now r&r to tell me what you thought of it!